Looking for Honest Friendship Advice

[Erica_B 46]

On 2/22/2020 at 8:07 PM, WinterFish said:

I’ll try and keep this as brief as possible. Sorry if I rant on and on.

As I went from 240 lbs to 390 lbs between 2009-2019 I slowly hid myself away from friends and family. The truth is I was in denial about how bad things were getting and I was embarrassed. I was ashamed of how I couldn’t keep up with my friends just walking around the city or fitting into booths at restaurants for family milestones. I was out of breath walking into work from the parking lot. I felt like if I could avoid these things in front of other people, if other people couldn’t confirm how limited I had become, it somehow made it less true.

I have missed SO many adventures and huge important events in my loved ones lives simply because I was physically unable. This hurts my heart.

In 2018 I ditched a good friend’s bachelorette weekend out of town because I was so anxious about how I wouldn’t be able to keep up with everyone. Like literally I could not walk around and I felt ridiculous going to clubs with girls wearing their best outfits and me in an oversized T-shirt. By that point I couldn’t stand for 5 mins without my lower back screaming. Our friendship has not been the same since. I have always thought that was the turning point in our friendship.

Now fast forward to late 2019. I happened to be invited to another good friend’s bachelorette weekend. This is a friend I met in college and we were so close we lived together for a couple of years. This is also when my depression/weight gain really got bad. I did my best to hide it, but I’m sure it was obvious. Over the last 7 years I have make excuses to avoid meeting up with her because she is so active. I even prayed she wouldn’t ask me to be a bridesmaid. How sad is that? I really didn’t think I could make it through the dress shopping bit. Pre-surgery I was 390 lbs and a size 26. This friend has run the NYC marathon and I was at least 220 lbs heavier than any other girl in her friend circle. When I was invited on the bachelorette weekend I immediately thought of ways to get out of it. I told one of the maids of honor that I didn’t think it would be a good idea since it was still early after surgery and I wasn’t sure how I’d feel. Well it’s been almost 5 months and I’ve been so lucky to have zero complications. My mobility is much better too. I am also sober by choice. I was never a big drinker anyways. I partied pretty hard as a teen so by the time I got to college I was somewhat past that phase. It doesn’t make me feel good and now with a sleeve I feel like alcohol serves me no purpose.

Anyways what I am looking for is real honest advice. I feel immense guilt over declining this invite. I have thought about how I would feel if I was my friend. I could see how she would be upset or disappointed. Am I wrong to not go? I don’t drink and I’m trying so hard to stick to my diet. I know if I really wanted to I could make it work.

I don’t want people to tell me what I want to hear. I guess I just want someone to say they understand what I’m saying and feeling. I don’t have anyone in my family or friends that are even overweight. I feel like no one can relate. Has anyone else been through this? Did things get better as you lost weight?

This might seem a bit simplistic, but believe me it is thoughtful...

Those of us who are and/or have been morbidly obese suffer from a chronic disease. Our quality of life, including communing with friends and family can be greatly affected b/c of our disease.

My advice? Have a heart to heart talk with her and explain that you were unable to support her both emotionally and physically b/c you were dealing with the potentially deadly side effects of your disease. You are currently being treated for said disease and regardless of what others may think, this is YOUR journey, and you have to do what is best for you physically and mentally. IMHO a true friend will understand this.