PreOp telling the fam

[SM16 10]

So I decided not to tell any family about my surgery until I had a date (hopefully scheduling for the first week in May as soon as my 90 days are up!) Well tonight my husband let it slip to his side of the fam over the phone. Apparently they think it’s too dangerous and not worth it. Tomorrow I have to mentally prepare myself to defend my decision in person at a family event and I am just not ready for that. He honestly didn’t think he was doing any harm so I’m not blaming it on him by any means. I just am so frazzled and worried. I could just use a little support and any advice on how others handled these types of situations.

[Sammi_Katt 303]

It's hard when family isn't supportive.

I kept told a select few family members of mine to see how they would react, and I got the same results: "It's too dangerous," "that's the easy way," "why don't you just try diet and exercise?" It's frustrating and hard, but in the end, it's up to you, not them. You're the one who's health is at stake. You're the one putting in the hard work.

Try not to beat yourself up, and just keep trucking forward. You're on your way to making an extremely good decision for your health and that is what matters.

I hope things go well for you, and good luck on your May date! ❤️

[VIN_IN_AL 55]

13 minutes ago, SM16 said:

Apparently they think it’s too dangerous and not worth it.

Curious on what information your husband’s family used to formulate their group “assumption” of WLS being dangerous and a waste of time/money; are members of his family in the medical profession?

Print this and hand it out to his family at the event your attending tomorrow:

https://asmbs.org/resources/studies-weigh-in-on-safety-and-effectiveness-of-newer-bariatric-and-metabolic-surgery-procedure

[lisafrommassachusetts 319]

I have been pretty lucky, in that I got very few unsolicited opinions. I would practice saying something along the lines of "thank you so much for your concern! I have made this decision after consulting with my doctors, and doing my own research. I am looking forward to being healthier." If they persist, you are going to have to bear down and say "I understand what you are saying, but I do not want to discuss my healthcare decisions." Then change the subject. Repeat as many times as necessary.

[catwoman7 11,212]

they're going on very old information. Back in the 60s and 70s, weight loss surgery WAS dangerous. But it's come a L-O-N-G way since then - techniques have vastly improved - and it's just not risky anymore. It's now considered one of the safest surgeries out there.

I agree with the other posters about refusing to discuss this with them and providing them with current, actual medical links if they keep pushing. Stand your ground!

[GreenTealael 25,335]

10 hours ago, SM16 said:

So I decided not to tell any family about my surgery until I had a date (hopefully scheduling for the first week in May as soon as my 90 days are up!) Well tonight my husband let it slip to his side of the fam over the phone. Apparently they think it’s too dangerous and not worth it. Tomorrow I have to mentally prepare myself to defend my decision in person at a family event and I am just not ready for that. He honestly didn’t think he was doing any harm so I’m not blaming it on him by any means. I just am so frazzled and worried. I could just use a little support and any advice on how others handled these types of situations.

Dealing with unsupportive family is really hard. 😢

The New Yorker in me always wants to use sarcasm but defensive tactics don't always work especially with people you love (sometimes it just alienates you further)

You may have to win them over with patience & kindness. Perhaps let them express what they want to you (1 on 1 so you don't feel attacked and overwhelmed), present them with the research you've gathered, answer questions & even invite them to seminars or doctors appts. Or maybe don't address anything until after surgery when you are more confident in you decision. The choice is entirely yours.

But please *try* to not let their opinions sway you in either direction. This life & body belongs to you alone and you have to make the right decisions for yourself.

Good Luck and try to enjoy the (inquisition) event as much as possible❤

[JessLess 1,163]

Tell them it's your body and your choice and you don't feel comfortable discussing it with them. Or don't go and let them know they put you in a really uncomfortable position by second-guessing a decision you made with your doctor. The last thing I would do is let someone try to debate me about it.

I told my mom a year AFTER the surgery because I didn't want her opinions.

[KCgirl061 1,532]

I seriously doubt they have done the research and have a good grasp on both the risks AND the benefits of the procedure. If they have the gall to express their opinion about it, patiently and calmly say "I hear what your saying, but I did a lot of research about the procedure. Do you mind telling me what you know about bariatrics? I want to make sure we're on the same page if we are going to have a serious conversation about it."

Bottom line -make sure they know this is your health, and your decision. Their approval is not required. If they needed or wanted a hip replacement or back surgery (both have higher risks of something going wrong and both irreversible procedures) you'd respect that and keep your nose out of their health care decisions.

[KayBee1972 13]

I'm a month out and none of my family knows outside of my husband and son. Only a few friends and co-workers know. I regard it as none of anyone's business and my mother will just take it personally as failed parenting (I'm 48) and I refuse to coddle my mother's neuroses anymore. She's great, but she takes any failure of mine as a reflection of her failure to be a better parent.

[Arabesque 7,240]

Lots of good advice above. There are more than 300 000 people who are active/inactive members of this forum, from all over the world, who’ve had no complications. Sure some people do have complications but that happens with any surgery but very few considering the number who’ve had the surgery. Sometimes the complication arises as a result of a pre existing or undiagnosed issue.

I’d also remind them that continuing to be obese is more dangerous than the surgery. It’s your health, your life. And I’m sure you made this decision after a lot of thinking, research & considered all the options available to you.

Good luck with your surgery & with speaking with your family.