All those years ago..... Sad and depressed

[BayougirlMrsS 3,934]

So I went back to find this post I made YEARSSSSSSS AGO and a reply i made a couple of years later. This is when i still had my Lapband (didn't come out till March 2017). Since then I got divorced and remarried.... Band removal and Sleeve revision (aug. 28, 2019).

Posted April 25, 2013

I have not always needed you.... and one time in my life.. i was a "normal" person. Size 0-3... weigh a whopping 100lbs. Back in my single day... then one day you meet a wonderful guy and you fall in love... ahhh things are great. You get married and have a beautiful son. and life is good.... but then you notice that you’re not happy as you use to be. some days are worse than others... you find the strength to get up every day and go to work and live a "normal" life. Things are good at home... but something is missing... that spark, that feeling you use to get when you and your spouse were together intimately .. and you notice that those time has gotten further and further apart. and you think, what is going on? and one day the reason is staring you right in the face... the mirror... but in that mirror is someone else... surely, it's not me... I don't look like that... that's a ugly fat girl... i'm not ugly and i for damn sure am not fat. Can't be... i told my self-years ago i would NEVER like myself look like... those people... but then you look closer... and closer and there. i know those eyes.... those are my eyes... but why do they look so sad. I have happy eyes. and i see, i see the real me. the one others have been seeing for years.... how did i not see this... how did i let myself get like this ... how did i become that girl that now had to shop at the plus-size store... when just yesterday i was a size 3... How did i become the girl the skinny girls are not looking at and saying... i'll never let myself look like HER... and i'm the HER. this feeling takes the very last shred of self-confidence and stomps it into the dirt and spits on it. and you think...i am ugly i am fat i am unworthy of love.... unworthy of feeling good. and you start to eat... more and more and everything keeps getting worse. you stop taking care of yourself, stop dressing up stop wearing make-up and fixing your hair.... stop putting forth the effort at all... You are now sitting in a deep dark cave, alone and no one or nothing can show you the light....

But one day... you open your eyes expecting to see nothing... complete darkness and there it is... a speck of light.... it's tiny, but just right there in front of you. and you squint to see it.... making sure it's really there. that speck was my friend Paula... she had lb surgery and every day we talked and every day my light grow brighter.... I went to the doctor and did all the tests... did it all and the news that i was approved... OH ... JOy. I looked in the mirror and saw a glimmer of hope. But as the days grew closer... I started to think... WHAT IF... what if i die on the table, what if i fail at this too, what if i stayed fat forever... Then i saw this site...trolled for a long while. I didn't want to sign because, well what if someone knew me... the horror... Then i saw all the successive people... the beautiful woman and handsome men that in their before pictures looked so sad... sad like me. Then i saw the after pictures. and all the happy smiling faces... people who were bigger than me... now wearing size 6 jeans (lellow)... and i thought, i can do this i can get my life back.... I will be happy again. so on November 10, 2009... i awoke... was re-born. and i did do it... i lost 80lbs... it took me longer than most, but i don't care. I have donated all the 12-14-16 & 18 and moved into my own size 6... On Feb 15, 2012.... after a long hard fight.... i won and awarded myself a tummy tuck... i deserved it. I earned it....

so to my band... thank you... for sticking with me and always keeping me on track.

and too all you out there thinking about doing this.....search within yourself and be happy again... whichever way you choose.....

blessings.....

Posted March 31, 2015

Ak.... congrats on deciding to make a change in your life.

I re-read my post and im terrible in grammar... lol.... but it made me cry a little... to think back at how sad i really was. And to admit, i have started feeling that way again.... Not that i am "fat" by normal standards, im still a size 8. But i have put back 20 and feel defeated somewhat. Scared... too. Scared of the unknown, of the what if's.... What if i can't get my ass back in gear and do what i know i can. Depressed because i have no support at home with my husband. Who just yesterday said that my LB was a "hobby"... can you believe that... A Hobby... He hates that im no longer "fat"... he said.... your not fat, you're thick.... where other men will tell me im Hot, beautiful, sexy... not him... im thick. We went through a time where sex was great... 2-3 times a week... which was a vast improvement from 1-2 a YEAR... We are now back at 1-2 a month.... if im lucky.

February 14, 2020

Well, I did lose that 20 i put back and in fact did lose another 10... I soon after i decided that there was a lot more to the reason i was so unhappy. My ex was still very verbally abusive and very unsupportive. He still hated my weight loss. Still was not being intimate with me... and it got back down to 1-2 a year. Found out that he was in fact sleeping with another woman (he never admitted it). I talked with him and begged him to do counseling... he said no, that there was nothing wrong with him. So I sat down on the couch and said, if things don't change, i'm filing for divorce. Of course, he didn't believe me... but i pulled up my big girl "thongs" (hehe) and filed.... After he realized i was standing my ground, now he wanted counseling.... NOPE.. too late i was done and completly checked out. The marriage ended after 26 years. The day i said i was filing... it was like a thousand tons had been lifted. I started dating and found that men (and women) wanted me. I felt so good about myself. I even posted a profile on Match... and yes that is where i found Tim. I sware he is the last of a dying breed..... perfect gentleman, so kind and loving and giving.... has excepted me for me... He loves me thin, thick (gained 30lbs after band removal) and loves me now.... Thin again. He tells and shows me every day how much he appreciates me.... and it's such a wonderful feeling. So as of today, i'm 51 years old, still 5'2", CW 133.4, Current size 4.... Sleeve done Aug 28, 2019. So im 25 weeks PO. Got married on September 26, 2019..... I am the happiest i have ever been..... Loving me

[ms.sss 15,651]

I've said it before and I'll say it again: I heart you @BayougirlMrsS ❤️

I totally cried reading this post, it was very moving. It was sobering to read your first post and the vast difference in tone compared to you latest one.

I'm so so so so so so so happy for you that you are loving and living life with confidence, gratitude, AND a kick-ass attitude.

You rock.

Happy Valentine's Day!

❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

[JRT Mom 919]

What a nice Valentine's day story! Glad you found that Mr Right.

[november11 970]

5 hours ago, BayougirlMrsS said:

So I went back to find this post I made YEARSSSSSSS AGO and a reply i made a couple of years later. This is when i still had my Lapband (didn't come out till March 2017). Since then I got divorced and remarried.... Band removal and Sleeve revision (aug. 28, 2019).

Posted April 25, 2013

I have not always needed you.... and one time in my life.. i was a "normal" person. Size 0-3... weigh a whopping 100lbs. Back in my single day... then one day you meet a wonderful guy and you fall in love... ahhh things are great. You get married and have a beautiful son. and life is good.... but then you notice that you’re not happy as you use to be. some days are worse than others... you find the strength to get up every day and go to work and live a "normal" life. Things are good at home... but something is missing... that spark, that feeling you use to get when you and your spouse were together intimately .. and you notice that those time has gotten further and further apart. and you think, what is going on? and one day the reason is staring you right in the face... the mirror... but in that mirror is someone else... surely, it's not me... I don't look like that... that's a ugly fat girl... i'm not ugly and i for damn sure am not fat. Can't be... i told my self-years ago i would NEVER like myself look like... those people... but then you look closer... and closer and there. i know those eyes.... those are my eyes... but why do they look so sad. I have happy eyes. and i see, i see the real me. the one others have been seeing for years.... how did i not see this... how did i let myself get like this ... how did i become that girl that now had to shop at the plus-size store... when just yesterday i was a size 3... How did i become the girl the skinny girls are not looking at and saying... i'll never let myself look like HER... and i'm the HER. this feeling takes the very last shred of self-confidence and stomps it into the dirt and spits on it. and you think...i am ugly i am fat i am unworthy of love.... unworthy of feeling good. and you start to eat... more and more and everything keeps getting worse. you stop taking care of yourself, stop dressing up stop wearing make-up and fixing your hair.... stop putting forth the effort at all... You are now sitting in a deep dark cave, alone and no one or nothing can show you the light....

But one day... you open your eyes expecting to see nothing... complete darkness and there it is... a speck of light.... it's tiny, but just right there in front of you. and you squint to see it.... making sure it's really there. that speck was my friend Paula... she had lb surgery and every day we talked and every day my light grow brighter.... I went to the doctor and did all the tests... did it all and the news that i was approved... OH ... JOy. I looked in the mirror and saw a glimmer of hope. But as the days grew closer... I started to think... WHAT IF... what if i die on the table, what if i fail at this too, what if i stayed fat forever... Then i saw this site...trolled for a long while. I didn't want to sign because, well what if someone knew me... the horror... Then i saw all the successive people... the beautiful woman and handsome men that in their before pictures looked so sad... sad like me. Then i saw the after pictures. and all the happy smiling faces... people who were bigger than me... now wearing size 6 jeans (lellow)... and i thought, i can do this i can get my life back.... I will be happy again. so on November 10, 2009... i awoke... was re-born. and i did do it... i lost 80lbs... it took me longer than most, but i don't care. I have donated all the 12-14-16 & 18 and moved into my own size 6... On Feb 15, 2012.... after a long hard fight.... i won and awarded myself a tummy tuck... i deserved it. I earned it....

so to my band... thank you... for sticking with me and always keeping me on track.

and too all you out there thinking about doing this.....search within yourself and be happy again... whichever way you choose.....

blessings.....

Posted March 31, 2015

Ak.... congrats on deciding to make a change in your life.

I re-read my post and im terrible in grammar... lol.... but it made me cry a little... to think back at how sad i really was. And to admit, i have started feeling that way again.... Not that i am "fat" by normal standards, im still a size 8. But i have put back 20 and feel defeated somewhat. Scared... too. Scared of the unknown, of the what if's.... What if i can't get my ass back in gear and do what i know i can. Depressed because i have no support at home with my husband. Who just yesterday said that my LB was a "hobby"... can you believe that... A Hobby... He hates that im no longer "fat"... he said.... your not fat, you're thick.... where other men will tell me im Hot, beautiful, sexy... not him... im thick. We went through a time where sex was great... 2-3 times a week... which was a vast improvement from 1-2 a YEAR... We are now back at 1-2 a month.... if im lucky.

February 14, 2020

Well, I did lose that 20 i put back and in fact did lose another 10... I soon after i decided that there was a lot more to the reason i was so unhappy. My ex was still very verbally abusive and very unsupportive. He still hated my weight loss. Still was not being intimate with me... and it got back down to 1-2 a year. Found out that he was in fact sleeping with another woman (he never admitted it). I talked with him and begged him to do counseling... he said no, that there was nothing wrong with him. So I sat down on the couch and said, if things don't change, i'm filing for divorce. Of course, he didn't believe me... but i pulled up my big girl "thongs" (hehe) and filed.... After he realized i was standing my ground, now he wanted counseling.... NOPE.. too late i was done and completly checked out. The marriage ended after 26 years. The day i said i was filing... it was like a thousand tons had been lifted. I started dating and found that men (and women) wanted me. I felt so good about myself. I even posted a profile on Match... and yes that is where i found Tim. I sware he is the last of a dying breed..... perfect gentleman, so kind and loving and giving.... has excepted me for me... He loves me thin, thick (gained 30lbs after band removal) and loves me now.... Thin again. He tells and shows me every day how much he appreciates me.... and it's such a wonderful feeling. So as of today, i'm 51 years old, still 5'2", CW 133.4, Current size 4.... Sleeve done Aug 28, 2019. So im 25 weeks PO. Got married on September 26, 2019..... I am the happiest i have ever been..... Loving me

Wow this was like a novel that you cant put down... You should be a writer in your spare time if you're not already.. This was so incredible to read" even though you making me late for leaving for the day". I enjoyed your post and congratulations on your everything!!!!!! bye

[50Startingover 6]

9 hours ago, BayougirlMrsS said:

So I went back to find this post I made YEARSSSSSSS AGO and a reply i made a couple of years later. This is when i still had my Lapband (didn't come out till March 2017). Since then I got divorced and remarried.... Band removal and Sleeve revision (aug. 28, 2019).

Posted April 25, 2013

I have not always needed you.... and one time in my life.. i was a "normal" person. Size 0-3... weigh a whopping 100lbs. Back in my single day... then one day you meet a wonderful guy and you fall in love... ahhh things are great. You get married and have a beautiful son. and life is good.... but then you notice that you’re not happy as you use to be. some days are worse than others... you find the strength to get up every day and go to work and live a "normal" life. Things are good at home... but something is missing... that spark, that feeling you use to get when you and your spouse were together intimately .. and you notice that those time has gotten further and further apart. and you think, what is going on? and one day the reason is staring you right in the face... the mirror... but in that mirror is someone else... surely, it's not me... I don't look like that... that's a ugly fat girl... i'm not ugly and i for damn sure am not fat. Can't be... i told my self-years ago i would NEVER like myself look like... those people... but then you look closer... and closer and there. i know those eyes.... those are my eyes... but why do they look so sad. I have happy eyes. and i see, i see the real me. the one others have been seeing for years.... how did i not see this... how did i let myself get like this ... how did i become that girl that now had to shop at the plus-size store... when just yesterday i was a size 3... How did i become the girl the skinny girls are not looking at and saying... i'll never let myself look like HER... and i'm the HER. this feeling takes the very last shred of self-confidence and stomps it into the dirt and spits on it. and you think...i am ugly i am fat i am unworthy of love.... unworthy of feeling good. and you start to eat... more and more and everything keeps getting worse. you stop taking care of yourself, stop dressing up stop wearing make-up and fixing your hair.... stop putting forth the effort at all... You are now sitting in a deep dark cave, alone and no one or nothing can show you the light....

But one day... you open your eyes expecting to see nothing... complete darkness and there it is... a speck of light.... it's tiny, but just right there in front of you. and you squint to see it.... making sure it's really there. that speck was my friend Paula... she had lb surgery and every day we talked and every day my light grow brighter.... I went to the doctor and did all the tests... did it all and the news that i was approved... OH ... JOy. I looked in the mirror and saw a glimmer of hope. But as the days grew closer... I started to think... WHAT IF... what if i die on the table, what if i fail at this too, what if i stayed fat forever... Then i saw this site...trolled for a long while. I didn't want to sign because, well what if someone knew me... the horror... Then i saw all the successive people... the beautiful woman and handsome men that in their before pictures looked so sad... sad like me. Then i saw the after pictures. and all the happy smiling faces... people who were bigger than me... now wearing size 6 jeans (lellow)... and i thought, i can do this i can get my life back.... I will be happy again. so on November 10, 2009... i awoke... was re-born. and i did do it... i lost 80lbs... it took me longer than most, but i don't care. I have donated all the 12-14-16 & 18 and moved into my own size 6... On Feb 15, 2012.... after a long hard fight.... i won and awarded myself a tummy tuck... i deserved it. I earned it....

so to my band... thank you... for sticking with me and always keeping me on track.

and too all you out there thinking about doing this.....search within yourself and be happy again... whichever way you choose.....

blessings.....

Posted March 31, 2015

Ak.... congrats on deciding to make a change in your life.

I re-read my post and im terrible in grammar... lol.... but it made me cry a little... to think back at how sad i really was. And to admit, i have started feeling that way again.... Not that i am "fat" by normal standards, im still a size 8. But i have put back 20 and feel defeated somewhat. Scared... too. Scared of the unknown, of the what if's.... What if i can't get my ass back in gear and do what i know i can. Depressed because i have no support at home with my husband. Who just yesterday said that my LB was a "hobby"... can you believe that... A Hobby... He hates that im no longer "fat"... he said.... your not fat, you're thick.... where other men will tell me im Hot, beautiful, sexy... not him... im thick. We went through a time where sex was great... 2-3 times a week... which was a vast improvement from 1-2 a YEAR... We are now back at 1-2 a month.... if im lucky.

February 14, 2020

Well, I did lose that 20 i put back and in fact did lose another 10... I soon after i decided that there was a lot more to the reason i was so unhappy. My ex was still very verbally abusive and very unsupportive. He still hated my weight loss. Still was not being intimate with me... and it got back down to 1-2 a year. Found out that he was in fact sleeping with another woman (he never admitted it). I talked with him and begged him to do counseling... he said no, that there was nothing wrong with him. So I sat down on the couch and said, if things don't change, i'm filing for divorce. Of course, he didn't believe me... but i pulled up my big girl "thongs" (hehe) and filed.... After he realized i was standing my ground, now he wanted counseling.... NOPE.. too late i was done and completly checked out. The marriage ended after 26 years. The day i said i was filing... it was like a thousand tons had been lifted. I started dating and found that men (and women) wanted me. I felt so good about myself. I even posted a profile on Match... and yes that is where i found Tim. I sware he is the last of a dying breed..... perfect gentleman, so kind and loving and giving.... has excepted me for me... He loves me thin, thick (gained 30lbs after band removal) and loves me now.... Thin again. He tells and shows me every day how much he appreciates me.... and it's such a wonderful feeling. So as of today, i'm 51 years old, still 5'2", CW 133.4, Current size 4.... Sleeve done Aug 28, 2019. So im 25 weeks PO. Got married on September 26, 2019..... I am the happiest i have ever been..... Loving me

You write how I feel

Still im that dark cave...Dec 19th was my surgery. My ex left Thanksgiving. Haven't had 1 call asking how everything is. Bills pilling up. Depression and anxiety at my all time worst. I have to find a way to get out my own head.

Huggs Love and Light to you and everyone feeling down💖

[rs 1,473]

Wow what a story! So glad it had a happy ending! Thanks for sharing. I wish you many more happy days to come!

[BayougirlMrsS 3,934]

On 2/14/2020 at 7:08 PM, 50Startingover said:

You write how I feel

Still im that dark cave...Dec 19th was my surgery. My ex left Thanksgiving. Haven't had 1 call asking how everything is. Bills pilling up. Depression and anxiety at my all time worst. I have to find a way to get out my own head.

Huggs Love and Light to you and everyone feeling down💖

Trust in the fact that you will awaken and emerge from the darkness.... You have to start believing in yourself. Know that better days will come. There will be bad days and good days.... You have to keep reminding your self that you are great, you are beautiful, you are getting healthy and YOU DESERVE BETTER.....

I too have a hard time getting out of my own head...so i completely understand.
I found out this weekend that my "mentor" Paula and her wife are getting divorced. This comes as a complete shock....Not sure all the details. She had the LB a year or so before me and just a few years ago had the sleeve done. She has lost no weight with the sleeve. Her wife had her LB placed a the same day as me. She has put back a lot of weight.