Surgery this month, wife threatening divorce

[momof3_angels 465]

16 hours ago, Xx1jpt5xx said:

I dont think shes afraid of me dying. I asked her why she was against it and the only thing she could say was she doesnt want to have to deal with me eating weird food? Honestly if that's really her reason then I'll divorce her myself

Like I said, find out what she is afraid of... she is afraid of something. It might be that you will get skinny and leave her. She might be afraid because she is ill-informed. Weird food? Well, that is a "cover-up the real fear" excuse if I ever heard one.

[Sandra Nuelken 419]

The nurse two doors away had the surgery so she would be healthy for her grandkids, my son and DIL both nurses supported me, I had the surgery done 6 months ago and would never go back. It seems like you two may need some counseling to see what the real issues are, support from those around you is important. Good luck on your journey.

[AJ Tylo 1,399]

20 hours ago, Xx1jpt5xx said:

she doesnt want to have to deal with me eating weird food? H

That is totally a bully poop reason, We all eat normal food, Like tripe and lamb fries - (Inside forum joke) So she is way off there.

I say just procede ahead and try and educate her on the real story. Kinda Hard to argue this one

Honey i just want to be healthy and fit so i can live longer, When i said death due us part i did not plan on speeding up the death time due to being obese! FYI i will eat normal food but smaller portions

[JessLess 1,163]

Does she make your meals now? Maybe she doesn’t want to have to do a lot of extra work and doesn’t know how? I do think the larger fear is that you will get more attractive and leave her. Or that you won’t eat your favorite foods together anymore.

This is pretty easy to resolve. You prepare your own food at first. Then later you can still go out to nice dinners, you’ll just eat less.

But I don’t think threatening divorce is ever fighting fair. Each person has to do what’s right for them. If you could bring her to a support meeting, a meeting with your dietician, or something, I think that would curtail her fears about the actual procedure.

[AnewAngela 22]

Your health is more important. Especially if you want to be around for your baby at least 18 years.

[lisafrommassachusetts 319]

It must be very hard to have made this decision and be facing this life change without the support of your partner. I would imagine that is very lonely. I am an old married lady (been married since 1985). This kind of significant lifestyle change is disruptive to our family, even when they stand 100% behind the decision. Perhaps your wife is a control freak, but perhaps she is simply unable to put her concerns into words.

You do use language that suggest there are control issues, e.g. that you did not tell her until you had a surgery date because she would not have allowed you to get that far in the process, or afraid to say 'my body, my choice' because it would not go over well. At the risk of stating the obvious, you don't seem to have a whole lot of emotional intimacy in the marriage, and you surely don't seem to be able to communicate with each other. The years with small kids, big bills, exhaustion, and work/life balance issues are hard on EVERY marriage, now you are throwing in surgery and lifestyle change issues. Yikes!

I know you have a lot going on, major surgery, new baby on the way, small child at home, but I hope that you and she can find time to go to a good marriage therapist. Along with getting physically healthy, it is my hope that you are able to be emotionally healthier, and that you and your wife find the joy and love that brought you together in the first place.

Good luck!

[froufrou 678]

Does your wife have weight issues? Is this her first pregnancy - is she afraid of getting big while you get smaller? Is she worried about your motives for getting surgery? Is your marriage in trouble without the surgery issues? I’m just wondering what is going on behind this to make you guys even bring up divorce.

[Starwarsandcupcakes 2,046]

All I have to say is-

your body, your choice. She can either support you or leave you. The having to make you choose between her and surgery is a manipulative behavior and it’s not healthy. If you feel that surgery is the tool you need to be healthier then you have to do what’s right for you.

ETA- if your wife’s biggest concern is the weird food assure her that it’s not weird aside from some Protein Shakes and the pre-op diet they have you do. Although you probably won’t be eating a bunch of rice, Pasta, or bread anymore. I eat what I make my kids for dinner all the time- chicken stirfry, veggie lasagna, baked chicken and mashed potatoes, and even oatmeal. Sure it’s not the same amount as them or like before but I don’t have to cook a bunch of extra meals separate which is awesome.

Edited February 8, 2020 by Starwarsandcupcakes

[Boldilocks 312]

It's all about her and not about you and your health.

My husband is extremely unsupportive. I didn't even tell him about the surgery as he had previous from for trying to cancel my much needed breast reduction behind my back 5 years ago.

I texted him after the surgery and had left a whole folder of useful info and a letter explaining why I hadn't told him waiting on the kitchen countertop. I leaned on my very supportive friends who helped me with all travel especially.

He now says it was the best decision I could have made, and that I was smart not to tell him as he wouldn't have understood and would have tried to stop it.

You do you - it's your health and no one else's. She wouldn't like you telling her what to do with her body.

[VIN_IN_AL 55]

Open and equal channels of communication with your Spouse is the foundation of a successful relationship. If you did not keep her “in the loop” during your decision process, then I can’t blame her for being upset. I would think that with the pregnancy in the picture she may be upset and/or worried that there may be complications and she is worried about what would happen if a worst-case scenario comes into play.

My Spouse has been involved in all decisions I make concerning my health and I am involved in all her health related decisions. In 2016 I had full right hip replacement surgery, a week before my schedule hospital stay I sat down with her and outlined exactly what she needs to do “IF” a worst-case scenario came into play. This pre-surgery discussion included location of financial paperwork, insurance documentation and a checklist of what she needs to do if something unexpected happens.

The mortality rate for bariatric surgery is VERY low yet I plan on having the same conversation with the wife whenever I have a confirmed surgery date.

[looly 361]

On 2/5/2020 at 9:51 PM, Xx1jpt5xx said:

I dont think shes afraid of me dying. I asked her why she was against it and the only thing she could say was she doesnt want to have to deal with me eating weird food? Honestly if that's really her reason then I'll divorce her myself

Why would you be eating weird food? I'm not. I'm eating a normal balanced diet in small portions.

Go ahead with the op and look after yourself. She'll either be pleased for you when she sees how much healthier you are, or she won't. The onus is on her to sort her head out while you sort your body out.

[Ostflicka 37]

On 2/4/2020 at 12:20 PM, Xx1jpt5xx said:

Hi all. Josh is the name. First post. I have surgery scheduled on Feb 26th. I'm excited.

My wife has been against it for months when I first brought it up. Claims WLS is a money making scam and thinks that being a nurse makes her an expert. I let her know my plans as soon as i got a surgery date. About 5 weeks beforehand. I did kind of drop the news on her but I knew she would never let me get as far into the process as I have. Shes very unsupportive and is even threatening divorce if i go thru with it. I'd like to mention that i just found out shes pregnant so i think she may try stabbing me in my sleep.

I can't even imagine going through this alone. I guess I would explained to her and ask her to come to your preop appointment. Give her the pamphlets you've gotten from the surgeon. You're pretty close to surgery date so I imagine you've already started the "weird" food because liquid diet.

You're definitely going to need the support from someone after the surgery, hopefully it's your wife. Wow being in the medical field I would think she would know it's not a scam, but a tool to help with weight loss especially when you're a loss of what else to do.

Good Luck 🍀

[Xx1jpt5xx 93]

7 minutes ago, Ostflicka said:

I can't even imagine going through this alone. I guess I would explained to her and ask her to come to your preop appointment. Give her the pamphlets you've gotten from the surgeon. You're pretty close to surgery date so I imagine you've already started the "weird" food because liquid diet.

You're definitely going to need the support from someone after the surgery, hopefully it's your wife. Wow being in the medical field I would think she would know it's not a scam, but a tool to help with weight loss especially when you're a loss of what else to do.

Good Luck 🍀

I actually dont have to do a liquid diet before surgery

[Ostflicka 37]

1 minute ago, Xx1jpt5xx said:

I actually dont have to do a liquid diet before surgery

Wow that's great?! I can't believe how different everyone's surgeons are throughout the country. So weird - well then I don't know about this weird food she is talking about, have you been able to work anything out or resolve her to be onboard?

[Xx1jpt5xx 93]

5 minutes ago, Ostflicka said:

Wow that's great?! I can't believe how different everyone's surgeons are throughout the country. So weird - well then I don't know about this weird food she is talking about, have you been able to work anything out or resolve her to be onboard?

Nope shes still not onboard. Had to have my mother take the surgery day off so she could bring me.