biggest insult ever-sex related-from dh

[losingjusme 12]

i am so sorry that DH (and i dont mean 'dear') did that. he sounds incredibly selfish to 'expect' you to perform for him since he looks good. oh puhleeze.

No offense meant, but it was clearly warned in the title that the thread was sex related. If you couldn't handle the very real possibility of some details that you think are TMI, you shouldn't have come in.

you took the words out of my mouth.

[2008er 0]

I'm right here with you, sista. I have had similar convos w/my dh over the past several years. It blew my mind that he could be so unbelievably superficial and hurtful. He also said he was les interested in me because my self esteem had eroded and that made me less attractive...really? I wonder why my self esteem was low? Maybe because he was constantly chipping away at it and I was self conscious about everything I ate and how the light reflected off my fat rolls? Geeeeeez.

Anyway, suffice it to say I hear you and sympathize. My DH and I had a big ass (pun intended) blow out last week - he was treating me disrespectfully on vacation, and I had enough. I, too, wrote him a letter in response (I get too distracted trying to make my point verbally when I'm that pissed off). I made it clear that he does not get to be with me and be that disrespectful. I expect to be treated with love and respect. I expect him to take the time and effort to be aware of my bneeds and respond to them as a loving partner. I expect him to show up in the relationship and be the man I deserve.

I asked "Would you rather have a fat wife that loves you or a thin wife that can't stand to be in the same room with you?"

Yes, I intend to be thin and healthy, but it's not like I have a magic wand. I didn't get fat overnight, and I won't get thin overnight either. However, I'm not sure I can EVER be healthy with a partner that only acknowledges my shortcomings and doesn't Celebrate the postivies that I bring to the relationship.

It worked quite well. I think I finally helped him see that his actions were selfish. Just like you, I don't "perform" because he works on his body. It's nice and all, but even when he was overweight I still was a full wife to him. Does him being in shape make the experience more enjoyable? yes (at least when I can concentrate on him and not be distracted by whether MY body looks ok just then - ugh). However, like you, that is not he REASON I do it. I do it because I want to please him. In a loving, reciprocal relationship, I would expect that he'd also want to please ME, and if he's not sure what that means after 18 years, he might want to do a little research and ask.

Maybe it would help to talk to your dh about what your expectations are in a relationship in general - make it less HIM and more about what a good relationship looks like to you. He may feel less attacked, and therefore less defensive and assy (I know "assy" isn't a word, but it seems right here).

I would definitely pursue this tactic before considering leaving AND before considering just sweeping it under as a single event. You don't want to let something like this go unaddressed, or you send the message that it's ok to treat you like that. It's not.

Sometimes it also works (especially since he sounds like a good dad) if he'd encourage his son to treat a wife like he's treating you. What if you are preggers and it's a girl? Would it be ok with him if his daughter's significant other said things like that to her? If not, then why does he think it's ok to treat YOU like that and model that behavior? he needs to BE the man he wants his son to be and be a model for the kind of man he'd want his daughter to marry.

I wish you well, and I'm glad you posted this. I fully understand that this was a vent and that he's not like this all the time, but it's a great opportunity to have a deeper conversation about it so it doesn't become a systemic problem.

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!!

[bandster_1007 1]

You don't seem to care about his hunting so why should he care about your Band? Maybe show his hobbies some interest to see if he'll come around.

this is something that we both realize we have been doing. and it is only a recent thing. we don't always talk to each other like that. it just been one of those months. i do show interest in his hobbies and he does in mine, but this month, we have just both been in our own little worlds. i know he can't care about this band like i do, he's not heavy and he never has been. this is why i love this site.

Meanwhile, shave your cooter and tell him to GET BUSY!

i do shave. he was the one that needs to shave, i have a thing against hair. lol.

[kacee 3]

I've been through a particularly abusive (emotionally, verbally) relationship myself. This sounds familiar (thought not to the caliber mine was). I have one thing to say. Think about it. MANY A TRUTH IS SAID IN JEST. Jibes are very often NOT jibes but inner hurts that just come rolling out more or less accidentally. Listen to what your man is saying. He's wrong of course, but you need to listen and read between the lines. You guys desperately need to talk TO each other, not AT each other. You have no idea how this kind of thing can FESTER. Men are particularly BAD about not communicating (and I don't think this is any news to any of us ladies...or men) so you have to figure out a way to approach them that doesn't (1) scare them; (2) emasculate them (I know that doesn't leave much else to work with...). We can be unbelievably cruel to those we love. I've always heard that instead of lunging at someone saying "You did this...you did that....you always....you never" (always and never are BAD words to use) approaching with "When you do this/say this/act towards me in this wa/ etc., you make me feel like..... (no, don't insert "shit"....be specific).

[Crispy2 0]

I have to say that men do say stupid things sometimes but sometimes they say what they are thinking. Maybe you both need to work on some things with a third party. Counseling really does help and it helps get some things out in the open. I know that my DH and I have really benifited from the few sessions we did go to and it brought us alot closer and open to talk about certain things. I wish you the best of luck and remember just like everything else we have to work on our marriages it is not always a piece of cake.

[bandster_1007 1]

OK not going to judge your relationship on this instance because I cant tell by a story on an internet forum. Just going to say it sounds like he is being a bit selfish in this story. I don't think he is intentionally doing this but now he is just used to it. Just brake him of the attitude. I don't think he intentionally does this but when he gets upset dumb shit comes out. Give him this excuse he is a guy and we say dumb hurtful shit sometimes. From what I gather from your story he is one of the guys guy kind of guy with all the hunting and stuff. So that gives him that me man you woman attitude. Just talk to him and explain yourself. I am sure he loves you or he would not be with you. Maybe he is just nervous because he thinks if you lose the weight you will leave him? My GF of 4 years (soon to be wife , not engaged yet :nervous I am in the same boat as you guys) was nervous about me losing weight. She felt I would leave her when I was thinner. After some time and a lot of talks things are better now and she is loving life. Sex is better :biggrin1: now !

this is so the case. this is one story out of many. it isn't a good example of what the norm is in our relationship. it is my one sided very biased interpretation of his actions. as i mentioned, i had definately been being a female dog. horribly, i would argue with everything he said, wouldn't want to touch him, etc. so i was not helping with the mood thing.

i have to tell you what finally happened. we have been going about our days as normal, and i have not brought up the incident that happened the other night. actually the next morning whenever i got into bed, he made me remember how he acts when he wants me. he kissed me and held me, and well you know..rendezvous under the sheets. that was his way of letting me know that he is a butt. if he just comes out and says, "i'm sorry" then i debate with him. so i've still be pretty depressed and then when getting the responses on here i began to question my decision to be with him (all of my friends want what we have, and my family adores him..they know we have our differences, but we are a very committed honest couple, sometimes even too honest- as seen in this post). last night, i had to take our son to scouts. he was home with a bad back, but i had expressed to him that i wish he felt better so he could take him, so i could put up the tree (didn't do it yet-migraines). so i agreed that tonight when he takes him to bb practice, i was going to stay home and put up the tree. when i got home he had decorated the entire house with christmas decorations :faint:. i went directly in the bedroom and hugged him and cried. he knew that i was sorry for the way i had been acting, and he was letting me know how much he cares. i know that seems dumb, but that is how it is with us. he says dumb things every great once in a while. this was just an all time low, but he was being honest and alcohol kind of rids yourself of inhibitions. if i were drunk i might tell him something about going bald or getting love handles..lol..but i don't drink.

anyways, thank you for you post. you seem to understand where i am coming from. i couldn't believe that he said what he said, but it was a moment of bad words for him and it was out of character. i was wrong, i think, in displaying it to the world. but, i can't tell my mom (my best friends), and i don't want to bore some of my other friends with my problems, so this was just a place to vent.

[bandster_1007 1]

i am so sorry that DH (and i dont mean 'dear') did that. he sounds incredibly selfish to 'expect' you to perform for him since he looks good. oh puhleeze.

you took the words out of my mouth.

lol..see that is what i said. i wish he would just tell me that he doesn't like the taste or something, if it even has a taste, i don't know. he may think that would be more offensive, but i would totally understand that. i am glad that i don't have to do that..hahahaha. i've tried to get him to admit that he just doesn't like to do it, and in the same sentence, explain to him that i'm not real fond of doing it to him either, but it is for the other person and sometimes you just have to suck it up (in my case literally) and do it.

[bandster_1007 1]

nytrink- that is exactly the case. he knows that he doesn't want his son treating his wife that way. he also knows that he doesn't want to treat me that way. sometimes, it just happens. we are both stressed and we don't deal with it well sometimes. majority of the time it is me. he is an easy going, always laughing kind of guy. i on the other hand am wound tighter than a spool of thread. i worry, nag, and complain constantly. i'm not downing myself, i'm being honest. the longer i am with him, the easier i find it to let go and laugh sometimes, and not be so serious all of the time. but, occasionally, i get to him, and he reacts by saying things that he doesn't mean. not to mention he isn't an emotional speaker. he's not very good at communicating effectively how he feels about things. he does communicate it, but i have to read between the lines.

as someone else has mentioned, he is worried. he is scared that i will leave him after i lose weight. his is scared that this isn't going to work, and it will be an expensive "trial". he is worried that i will have complications and we will have to pay for it. he is worried that i will lose my job the beginning of the year due to absences having to do with my comorbidities. he is worried that i will not feel better even after i lose weight. he is worried that i will not follow program, and that i will not exercise. the last two worries are the ones that cause him to say dumb stuff. he loves to exercise. he loves it and it makes him feel better. so, he doesn't understand why i don't. it worries him that i never will, and he wants me to understand how healthy it is and how much better it makes you feel. so he will say things like, "you do nothing for your body"...

anyways. i don't know what i expected when i posted this. it was more or less, i need to vent, and i need someone to be on my side. but then when people get on my side, i realize how i painted this horrible monster of a person that just really doesn't exist.

thank you all for your posts. we obviously need to work on our communication, lately, and we are both aware of that. i know he is worried about my health and my self esteem, and so am i.

kacee- "You guys desperately need to talk TO each other, not AT each other."

Amen to that!!! and i am just as guilty as he is. it is so easy to forget how important it is to be your partner's friend. sometimes we just take advantage of the fact that they are there, and forget that they really are there. we've just had a bad month. we've been doing a lot of at'ing to each other, and i've been an emotional nightmare (with dealing with having my food friend taken from me all of a sudden).

[candy8360 0]

I think it too is totally band related. Our self worth and self esteem play a major role in our healthy mental health. I can relate to her experiences. I have stayed in a 20 year marriage even though there has been no communication and we have had physical problems on HIS part as to why we don't have sex. He has refused to go to the doctor to get 'help'. His problems are prostate related. I gave him back his wedding ring last year and told him I wanted to go out, and I wanted sex. We have not been able to afford to get a divorce, and it is truly a weird circumstance. Neither one of us can afford to live on our own, so he has been on the couch and I have been in limbo. So, I can relate to the feelings that bandster 1007 is feeling.

[bandster_1007 1]

I think it too is totally band related. Our self worth and self esteem play a major role in our healthy mental health. I can relate to her experiences. I have stayed in a 20 year marriage even though there has been no communication and we have had physical problems on HIS part as to why we don't have sex. He has refused to go to the doctor to get 'help'. His problems are prostate related. I gave him back his wedding ring last year and told him I wanted to go out, and I wanted sex. We have not been able to afford to get a divorce, and it is truly a weird circumstance. Neither one of us can afford to live on our own, so he has been on the couch and I have been in limbo. So, I can relate to the feelings that bandster 1007 is feeling.

you know, it is so different for men. us women, we have to go every year to be poked and protted and have a great big light on our personals. my dh was showing some symptoms that could have possibly been prostate related (not impotency), and he had to have an "exam". he could barely tell me about it. he was 27 when he had it done, and now he absolutely plans to never have it done again. he did say he was glad he had a female doctor with small fingers. i just find it so curious that it is SUCH big deal for them. i'm sorry that your dh can't get past that. my father in law (step) had prostate cancer and had to have it removed. he is now cancer free, but he was very embarrased. he didn't want anyone to know anything about his problem.

i hope your husband can get past that somehow, not only for his health but for your relationship, it is sad that his fear has driven you two apart.

[candy8360 0]

I too wish he could have gotten over it. But, the last time we had sex was in August of 2005. I have always been a very oversexed person. I have begged and begged him to do something about his problems, but he would not. Now he is paying a high price for it, and so am I.

[Sula 0]

There are lots of ways to have sex without a functioning penis!! There are other issues, me thinks!

[candy8360 0]

Yes, but he was unwilling and uncommunicative. It's hard to be with someone who won't even hold you close and say "I love you", regardless of whether you have sex or not.

[sherilynn 1]

There are lots of ways to have sex without a functioning penis!! There are other issues, me thinks!

Agreed.:cry

[bandster_1007 1]

Yes, but he was unwilling and uncommunicative. It's hard to be with someone who won't even hold you close and say "I love you", regardless of whether you have sex or not.

i have to agree, intimacy is the true value of a relationship, not the sex. touch is vital.