Spouce Issues: Input appriciated

Gummiebear · November 26, 2007

I wonder if other people have maybe had some of these issues also. Well since I have gotton my band it seems as much weight as I have lost my husband has gained. I really dont know what to do about it either. I dont think he likes being over weight but he doesnt seem to want to do anything about it. I know its hard to lose weight on your own so I hate to say anything to him. When I was really heavy he never said anything to me about it and he always seemed attracted to me no matter how big I was. But at my largest he did have a semi-quazi affair on me and he says it was nothing to do with my size but my attitude at that time. I have chosen to forgive what occured but I cant help to wonder how much it had to do with my weight. I feel like a hippocrit wanting him to lose weight because he was always gracious about me being fat (but then was he really? IDK).

I been thinking and thinking over this time and time again. He doesnt support my weight loss because he says he doesnt want me to lose anymore weight. He doesnt want my boobs smaller, he doesnt want my butt smaller. ect ect. But at the same token I am an enabler about his weight because I allow him to eat my left overs all the time and offer to buy him things at the store that he may not have thought about. I decided I am going to start throwing away my extra food and not share my plate with him anymore. I am also going to not offer to buy things at the store for him. If he wants something bad enough he will think of it himself and go buy it.

So we have both made mistake. I wonder if I should even say anything to him about his weight. I know how much it hurts when someone says your fat. I have asked him if he wanted to get the lab-Band once but he says he doesnt. I am not even sure if he would qualify because I dont think hes quite even 100 pounds over weight hes prolly more like 70-80. I still have weight to lose myself so who am I to say anything right? I do worry about his health because sometimes his cholesterol gets high and mine has always been low, even when I was fatter.

I am so confused about what to do and about how I feel. He has Really large people in his family so I know he has to fight his DNA a bit but maybe he has some kinda emotional issue going on. I just dont know why he continues to gain weight. He also makes comments like "Screw it I am just going to get fatter" then he does. Anyone have any ideas on what I can do.

Daisalana · November 26, 2007

My DH tried to join the bandwagon with me when I started out. He gave up cokes too. 7 months later, he drinks them, but we don't keep them in the house (for my sake). So he just buys bottles and drinks at work and at home whatever is left over. Still less than he use to. He also eats whatever I make, or wherever I can go (I don't eat fast food anymore unless it's Wendy's chili). We were eating fastfood 2-3x a day before. So naturally, he was losing a little weight. He has gained weight since I met him (use to be washboard, now it's a little tire )

Went from 30 waist pants to 36 now. I have GENTLY said something every once in while- mostly due to me having to buy him new pants sizes. He doesn't care, doesn't take offense, but he doesn't see the weight gain. His brothers have called him 'fat' at a family gathering once (imagine how my 300lb+ self felt at that time.. I was sitting there). But anyway.. guess my point is, see how he feels about it. Maybe bring it up casually about him exercising with you (I tried this, he's wishy washy about it). Tell him you worry about his Cholesterol and see if he's willing to eat better with you. The worst he can do is say no. Don't be judgey or mean about it, just casual

In my situation, things seem to just be happening. He has told me 2 times in the past month (he weighed himself) that he is losing weight. If your DH is eating with you or where you go (like mine), he's going to tend to lose weight due to better food choices. If you make dinner, don't make you your good healthy food, then make him his 'regular' kind of food. I only cook 1 dinner, and if he doesn't like it, he doesn't eat hah hah! Portion is another thing, of course, but if it's a ton of healthy food instead of a ton of fat and calories.. see where I'm going?

Good luck!

phyllisc · November 27, 2007

Except for not enabling him, there isn't much you can do. It is his issue and unless he wants to do something about his weight, there is nothing that you can do. You can not change anyone unless they want change. Continue to work on yourself and hope that he will want to please you by being attractive to you and healthy for both of you.

Jachut · November 27, 2007

If my husband told me that he specifically wanted any part of me to look a certain way because HE liked it like that, I'd kick him in the nuts, lol. That's for ME to decide and ME only, I dont look any way to please anybody but myself.

My DH is overweight, probably has a BMI of 31, 32, pretty "normal" looking these days, but big beer gut. However he's also 40, works in a high stress, high pressure sedentary job, spends 3 hours per day driving to and from work and has had high blood pressure since his teens. He's reasonably fit, interested in exercise but the work of carrying his weight means he doesnt stand a chance of keeping up with me.

I'd really love to see him lose weight so that we could run togther, etc, and I really really really dont want to be a widow at 50 when he has a massive heart attack. I dont push because like I just said above, I would find it offensive if someone told me they wanted me to lose weight, I just try to encourage.

He's going to ask the doc for a referral to my lap band surgeon this month when he goes for his blood pressure check. But I doubt he'll follow up, he's seen how well its owrked for me, but he knows how weak stomached and bilious he is compared to me, he gets heartburn, he'll pick up any stomach bug going around and its just kind of assumed that he'll be the one with restriction issues, pb issues etc. He's afraid of that and I think he's afraid of being less of a "bloke" because he eats like a bird and doesnt want to guzzle 10 beers at the pub on Friday night. I think banding is much harder on men in that regard, there's a certain expectation about hearty appetites, alcohol consumption and business lunches that just isnt there for most women.

snowbird · November 27, 2007

Gummie,

sounds like your husband has a little passive-aggressive thing going with his weight. Do you think he might be trying to punish you for losing weight? Some guys do get insecure when their wives do something to make themselves more attractive, so instead of trying to make himself more attractive he does the opposite. Then he can blame you if anything happens to your marriage, because you couldn't put up with his weight gain even though he stayed with you when you were heavy.

I'm just doing some totally untrained and probably misguided psychoanalysis on him, and could be way off base. Anyway, I don't think you can really do anything to stop him other than go on with your life, avoid any enabling behavior, and don't let him see he is getting to you. He may straighten out if he sees you are happier and healthier without the extra weight, but still not about to leave him. You can't talk him into doing anything about his weight; he needs to decide himself that he would be better off without it.

By the way, you don't need to be 100 lb overweight for a lap band that I know of. Is that your doctor's rule or your insurance's guideline?

Gummiebear · November 27, 2007

Snowbird,

My doctors guildlines are at least 100 pounds over weight I just assumed that it was that way for everyone but as I am learning everyone has there own rules about everything lol. Also you could be right, I dont really understand him. He says he likes girls with bigger butts and boobs but sometimes hes checken out girls that are smaller then me. Ehh men make no sense to me. I do feel like I should help him but everyone is right he has to want to help himself. I hate hearing comments about his weight from people like his co-workers telling me that I am letting him eat too much ect. It really puts me on the defensive. He is in a job where he is driving all day and its really high stress. He almost never gets to eat with the family so I am not servering him food he usually buys it when hes out working which doesnt help because thats mostly junk. He also blames his weight on our decrease in sexual relations. So I know hes thinking about his weight. He sometimes makes comments like, "You dont want to have sex with me because I am fat huh" when the truth is the last few times we have done anything hes the one whos stopped in the middle of whatever and said I cant finish because blah blah blah.....Then he will make up something lame like I didnt feel like you were into it so I didnt want to finish. So confused....whatever the issue is I hope I can get it resolved quickly and he doesnt seem to be helping me out in the communication department.

Marimaru · November 27, 2007

It definitely sounds like some passive aggressive behavior there, especially with the comments in the last post. I think the next time he tells you "I didn't think you were that into it" tell him that if you where that into it, you'd tell him and that he should quit deciding how you feel!