Sharing thoughts with 4 days left to surgery....

[Myap 29]

Hi everyone,

Its early in the morning on Thanksgiving, four days before surgery and I wanted to check in because I owe it to myself to be honest about how I am feeling. I am struggling, not with the decision I made to have surgery, but the truth about the challenges I am facing moving forward. I started to ask if anyone had challenges with their pre-op diet, but I know the answer to that question does not matter because I am. I feel a little silenced or maybe ashamed because if I admit to my family I am scared and self-sabotaging then I will be forced to ask myself if I am doing the right thing.

I was doing well with the pre-op diet until two days ago...Tuesday. I have a form of anemia that makes it difficult for me to absorb Iron through food. I noticed I have increasingly more tired and I found out Saturday my iron levels are low again, 6 months after my last iron infusion, and a part of me feared that I would need to post-pone surgery for another round or go in early for blood transfusions. In meeting with me hematologist late Tuesday afternoon, he told me I did not have to do either and since they draw blood every day in the hospital, they could do a blood transfusion there if necessary.

I have been through a lot Healthwise, many surgeries (8), including a gastric sleeve six years ago. The irony is I stepped on the scale and I was the exact weight I was, 368 lbs before surgery in 2013 and although I had a great deal of success the first time, but then as I said in my story life happened. Even though the weight itself was shocking because I felt like I failed in only losing 4 pounds during the first week of my pre-op diet, I don't think panic really set in until I met with the check out receptionist. We were talking and laughing about my relief of not needing to delay my surgery....then without knowing it, she dropped a bomb on me that I did not really recognize how much it affected me until this morning.

When I said I was having a second sleeve, which I had gotten over the embarrassment of admitting, she told me that she had a friend who had her third sleeve some time ago, and she had not seen or heard from her since. My gut reaction was - hell no, no way I am doing this a third time, but in the back of my mind, I began to wonder. Am I ready...will I be successful...is this worth it to go back a third time....then finally, maybe her friend died after her last surgery. The reality is the cavalier way Miss 'size 10' talked about her struggles in what she described as ballooning due to a medication, my guess is that her friend decided she was not the right person to share her struggles with. I cannot even remember he name but I already regret sharing mine.

I am aware of how desperately I battled depression, how I came back from the brink after two suicide attempts after surviving a horrifying violet attack, and I was grateful to be at the point ready to have surgery. Then I came home and started self-sabotaging. I am not sure it was intentional, but I was extremely exhausted and had two doctors appointments that day and had missed two of my shakes. I had larger meal, not like before, but enough to make me horribly sick. I had not eaten any basic carbs in more than a week. Yesterday I was so fatigued, had burning pain in my knee from an old injury, but since it is too late to take NSAIDS, I used flexeril, which made me feel even more out of it.

Yesterday, I still felt out of control and had half of hoagie, which then made me feel worse about myself. My normal unconscious reaction was to head for my go-to foods, SUGAR, thankfully not an ounce of it existed in the house, except for fruit. I took two (non-benzo) anxiety pills and took a nap. I reached out to my surgeon and asked if I now had to change my surgery schedule. He calmly told me no and to just use the pre-op diet to get back on track.

This morning (well technically middle of the night) I woke up and realized all week I have been looking for signs I was making the wrong decision. My nutritionist had given me this negative self-talk wheel that I really forgot about even though it is stuck to my bulletin. When I looked at it, my behavior patterns started to make sense.

The truth is I am scared, and I need to give myself permission to feel that and grieve. Its Thanksgiving and fortunately, I am not cooking and will not be around a lot of food. For the past few years, I have been a part of big Thanksgiving celebrations, due to emotional struggles, but my adult daughter usually brings me something from her dad and his family celebrations.

This morning I woke up and realized how much of my life I have missed out on living in a prison that I not only created, but am the warden who locked away the key to release myself. I want to start living again and not just existing. I know what to expect and that having the surgery will not take away my problems. It is just one tool in my journey to health and better living. Today, I am thankful for the opportunity to begin losing the pounds of pain I have carried for far too long. I needed the last two days to remind that this journey is not going to be easy, but it will take a conscious effort every day to choose to strive for a healthier life for me.

Hopefully, this time next year I can look back on how I feel today and we thankful I made it to the other side.

Thank you for sharing this journey with me,

Mya

[Panda333 276]

Good Morning, I am also up early today. Thank you for sharing your story. I always feel it's 'never to late" I spent years waiting to allow myself some happiness, waiting to use the "nice" china....just...waiting...I waited so long I missed out on the chance to have children....but....we push forward. It truly is a gift that you realized the prison you had been in. I'm only a couple of months out. and I've went though the stage of regretting all of this. but...there is a light...I share your optimism on the future.

Take Care,

Panda

[Myap 29]

@Panda333Thank you Panda. I really appreciate the support.

[Raebae 23]

Personally you may need more therapy sessions it will all work its self out but believe in you and everything will fall into place your doing the right thing for your health but do the same for your mental state I'm praying for your strength hun

[Myap 29]

1 hour ago, Raebae said:

Personally you may need more therapy sessions it will all work its self out but believe in you and everything will fall into place your doing the right thing for your health but do the same for your mental state I'm praying for your strength hun

Mental health is the biggest part of this journey. I pray your strength and wish you well on your journey,

[Deedee12 1,860]

Happy Thanksgiving Mya!!!! Thanks for sharing such an authentic story about yourself and your journey! I know how powerfully cathartic that can be and how you are also helping others who feel the way you do/did. Your journey will be an inspiration to you and others! Please stay connected and NEVER feel alone!
I'm always of the mind that a second chance is laden with courage, experience, wisdom and perseverance. All qualities that will spring you forward this time around that you will even suprise yourself!!

I've found that this WLS journey has not really been ALL about losing weight, but about finding out the amazing things that is tucked within our human spirit that we didn't even know existed and the discovery is invigorating and intoxicating in a very good way.
Keep pushing forward, more amazing wonders lies ahead for you!!![emoji176][emoji176][emoji176][emoji176][emoji176][emoji176][emoji176][emoji176]

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[MBis06 2]

Happy Thanksgiving! My surgery is Dec 2nd also. I am struggling with the nerves & anxiety too. I need to let go of all the what ifs...
If you would like to chat and give each other support I would be greatly appreciative.
I live in Monterey Ca. My surgeon is Dr. Mark Vierra. I'm having my nissen fundoplication converted to RNY and a hiatal hernia repaired for 2nd time.
Focus on all of the positives to come.
Many Blessings! - Mary Michelle

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[Myap 29]

20 hours ago, MBis06 said:

Happy Thanksgiving! My surgery is Dec 2nd also. I am struggling with the nerves & anxiety too. I need to let go of all the what ifs...
If you would like to chat and give each other support I would be greatly appreciative.
I live in Monterey Ca. My surgeon is Dr. Mark Vierra. I'm having my nissen fundoplication converted to RNY and a hiatal hernia repaired for 2nd time.
Focus on all of the positives to come.
Many Blessings! - Mary Michelle

Sent from my SM-N960U using BariatricPal mobile app

Sure we can definitely chat and give each other support. This is my second hiatal hernia repair too.

[Slownstedy 210]

Mya, sounds like you are sorting things , When I have doubts I just consider how my comorbidities ( CHF, diabetes , Kidney failure, severe sleep apnea , etc, will be put into serious remission and the alternative if I don't .

[Tomkat 24]

I appreciate you opening up. This is my first journey. 11 days til surgery and I’m nervous. Almost done with week 2 of a 3 week liquid diet. We are starting at the same weight . Maybe knowing what you are walking into will help you. I stay reading things on this forum to know I’m not alone. Someone is always there with the same struggles😌

[Karriern 1]

Thanks for sharing. It just helps to know that we are not alone. We ALL carry around past baggage and demons. That is why we are overweight. It takes time to let go of our self comforting behaviors. You are on the right track. Hope your surgery went well.

[PlanetHopper 86]

Hey, I want to thank you for sharing your story. I know it's not easy. I noticed that you are now post-op. I hope you are recovering well and I wish you the best on your journey.

[lesleymack2019 26]

Thank you so much for your story I can definitely relate to some of things you mentioned I'm having surgery dec 17 and at this point in font know how to really feel at this point but I'm still very scared an nervous i been having second thoughts like should go through with this or not or could I do it naturally but the truth of the Matt is I need I'm 5'7 330 pounds with height blood pressure I also suffer from social anxiety and depression I always try s have these racing thoughts I can't tell what's the truth and what's just a negative thought ...but for some reason I feel like this is the best choice because I'm trying something different....but I'm so scared of the unknown....I don't know how I will feel after the surgery and I'm not sure of who I may become once all the weight is gone .....but again I have faith in God he know best I didn't go through all these month for nothing I ready for change so I ets just stay positive......and hope for the best

Sent from my SM-A205U using BariatricPal mobile app

[lesleymack2019 26]

Hi everyone,
Its early in the morning on Thanksgiving, four days before surgery and I wanted to check in because I owe it to myself to be honest about how I am feeling. I am struggling, not with the decision I made to have surgery, but the truth about the challenges I am facing moving forward. I started to ask if anyone had challenges with their pre-op diet, but I know the answer to that question does not matter because I am. I feel a little silenced or maybe ashamed because if I admit to my family I am scared and self-sabotaging then I will be forced to ask myself if I am doing the right thing.
I was doing well with the pre-op diet until two days ago...Tuesday. I have a form of anemia that makes it difficult for me to absorb Iron through food. I noticed I have increasingly more tired and I found out Saturday my Iron levels are low again, 6 months after my last iron infusion, and a part of me feared that I would need to post-pone surgery for another round or go in early for blood transfusions. In meeting with me hematologist late Tuesday afternoon, he told me I did not have to do either and since they draw blood every day in the hospital, they could do a blood transfusion there if necessary.
I have been through a lot Healthwise, many surgeries (8), including a gastric sleeve six years ago. The irony is I stepped on the scale and I was the exact weight I was, 368 lbs before surgery in 2013 and although I had a great deal of success the first time, but then as I said in my story life happened. Even though the weight itself was shocking because I felt like I failed in only losing 4 pounds during the first week of my pre-op diet, I don't think panic really set in until I met with the check out receptionist. We were talking and laughing about my relief of not needing to delay my surgery....then without knowing it, she dropped a bomb on me that I did not really recognize how much it affected me until this morning.
When I said I was having a second sleeve, which I had gotten over the embarrassment of admitting, she told me that she had a friend who had her third sleeve some time ago, and she had not seen or heard from her since. My gut reaction was - hell no, no way I am doing this a third time, but in the back of my mind, I began to wonder. Am I ready...will I be successful...is this worth it to go back a third time....then finally, maybe her friend died after her last surgery. The reality is the cavalier way Miss 'size 10' talked about her struggles in what she described as ballooning due to a medication, my guess is that her friend decided she was not the right person to share her struggles with. I cannot even remember he name but I already regret sharing mine.
I am aware of how desperately I battled depression, how I came back from the brink after two suicide attempts after surviving a horrifying violet attack, and I was grateful to be at the point ready to have surgery. Then I came home and started self-sabotaging. I am not sure it was intentional, but I was extremely exhausted and had two doctors appointments that day and had missed two of my shakes. I had larger meal, not like before, but enough to make me horribly sick. I had not eaten any basic carbs in more than a week. Yesterday I was so fatigued, had burning pain in my knee from an old injury, but since it is too late to take NSAIDS, I used flexeril, which made me feel even more out of it.
Yesterday, I still felt out of control and had half of hoagie, which then made me feel worse about myself. My normal unconscious reaction was to head for my go-to foods, SUGAR, thankfully not an ounce of it existed in the house, except for fruit. I took two (non-benzo) anxiety pills and took a nap. I reached out to my surgeon and asked if I now had to change my surgery schedule. He calmly told me no and to just use the pre-op diet to get back on track.
This morning (well technically middle of the night) I woke up and realized all week I have been looking for signs I was making the wrong decision. My nutritionist had given me this negative self-talk wheel that I really forgot about even though it is stuck to my bulletin. When I looked at it, my behavior patterns started to make sense.
The truth is I am scared, and I need to give myself permission to feel that and grieve. Its Thanksgiving and fortunately, I am not cooking and will not be around a lot of food. For the past few years, I have been a part of big Thanksgiving celebrations, due to emotional struggles, but my adult daughter usually brings me something from her dad and his family celebrations.
This morning I woke up and realized how much of my life I have missed out on living in a prison that I not only created, but am the warden who locked away the key to release myself. I want to start living again and not just existing. I know what to expect and that having the surgery will not take away my problems. It is just one tool in my journey to health and better living. Today, I am thankful for the opportunity to begin losing the pounds of pain I have carried for far too long. I needed the last two days to remind that this journey is not going to be easy, but it will take a conscious effort every day to choose to strive for a healthier life for me.
Hopefully, this time next year I can look back on how I feel today and we thankful I made it to the other side.
Thank you for sharing this journey with me,
Mya

Thank you so much for your story I can definitely relate to some of things you mentioned I'm having surgery dec 17 and at this point i don't know how to really feel at this point but I'm still very scared an nervous i been having second thoughts like should go through with this or not or could I do it naturally but the truth of the Matter is I need it I'm 5'7 330 pounds with height blood pressure I also suffer from social anxiety and depression I always get these racing thoughts in my head I can't tell what's the truth and what's just a negative thought ...but for some reason I feel like this is the best choice because I'm trying something different....but I'm so scared of the unknown....I don't know how I will feel after the surgery and I'm not sure of who I may become once all the weight is gone .....but again I have faith in God he knows best I didn't go through all these month for nothing Im ready for change so just stay positive......and hope for the best

Sent from my SM-A205U using BariatricPal mobile app

Sent from my SM-A205U using BariatricPal mobile app