Overwhelming wins and losses

[Darktowerdream 420]

@FluffyChix, @Sheribear68 @GreenTealael just a thank you for making me feel ok to write this post that I put off out of sheer exhaustion due to post exertional malaise from myalgic Encephalomyelitis chronic illness that effects my entire body life and self. And autism spectrum that makes me fear speaking openly in a forum. My words are not brief enough so I apologize in advance. And if I can’t stay on topic or veer in various directions too. This has been a long time coming a longer fight than my surgery alone.

I was reminded of my mom saying how when I was little I said something like what do I do when I get big and my clothes don’t fit as if I’d suddenly be grown up.

i had a very unexpected weight loss win that came upon me sudden and overwhelming. I’ve very little energy not due to surgery.

that’s a long story

but I’ve been trying to make my bedroom a real bedroom I’ve never settled in since moving and my bathroom finally is almost done being fixed and bought a nice MCM dresser for very cheap on Houzz but my ocd I needed drawer bins to organize myself. I had my clothes in plastic bins in the closet. (Another phobia)

After surgery I started to wear compression Capri shorts or pants both because they fit a size range, for orthostatic intolerance aka pots benefits and to hold in jiggle. I also wore oversized men’s t-shirts. I was always a denim and tshirt person. I don’t usually have a lot of clothing. I had a bin in my closet for a long time with brand new shorts that didn’t fit Levis I think size 6 and size small men’s tops. I had another bin with size medium compression bottoms that I got after surgery. And then the bigger siZes that were much too tight by the time I had surgery, I got exhausted getting too big for my usual denim shorts so fast. I buy when I find them cheap less than $10 no more than $15. I’m on a tight budget. I found a pair of size 6 jeans in target and thought these will never fit me. But they were awesome for $10 beautiful matte black with buttons and short enough for me, I thought they wouldn’t fit. I thought My size smalls will never fit me. Even if they run bigger than usual. Which they do. I admit which is fine. I wore a large size xl on the size range and switched to the smaller size large and large men’s. In the past I wore tight size 16 jeans and plus size tops. I’ve been there before.

a week or so ago I said I will try on the jeans and was shocked they fit and then all the clothes fit and my old bras no longer fit but I had back ups of undies and sports bras put away and now I’m glad I did. and I had to finally organize my clothes in my dresser kon mari style and I’ve never had this much clothes. Never. Might not seem like much but to me it is, That even the denim shorts fit so it’s overwhelming. I need to get them in a Smaller size for hot weather again. But needed pants for when it’s chilly. And I started looking at swimwear. I haven’t even done that ever in my life. Though I want Bermuda length bottoms and rash guard due to wrinkly saggy skin. All of a sudden my clothes are smaller than I thought they could ever be again.

my body image I don’t feel small still. Just oddly bony in all the wrong places. And too big in others. And wishing for skin removal. And wondering if anyone has discussed this with their surgeon. I suddenly have the desire to be able to wear shorts that I probably didn’t since I was eight years old the last time I might have been considered thin and maybe a Tom boy. I want to be that kid and not how old am I? I know I can’t get it back but when you fight your body for so long you want simple things. Other people let it roll off their backs. Look away but we see ourselves every day.

i think I feel if I post this it will jinx it that my weight started to go down a little faster than I expected. I’m still a ways away from goal at my height. But I’m ok with that. I’m exhausted and overwhelmed at the same time, my eating needs to be careful and calculating and I slip up in small ways. Find myself tempted by old habits developed because I was losing my ability to taste the food I was eating and having to back step from adding salt or butter or ketchup or carbs. And realizing some things can’t change and I have to keep adapting. I still don’t know why I can’t taste food properly one would think it would help I thought surgery changed it but it s going back to the way it was so I need to adapt again. You still want foods to taste good the bites you do eat. We struggle with our perception of food and nutrition. And not always fitting the norms while trying to succeed.

I admit I added evening coffee because it helps things move along and sometimes sleep a little better but some days it’s not as effective at calming my heart rate or stress due to ADHD, orthostatic intolerance. I can’t be as active as most people either. gotta keep the gut moving. But I had some problems there too I’m still working on. My gastroenterologist is the only one in the area and tests showed colitis of some kind but not my colonoscopy. Plus he did the balloon dilation this time and tore my esophagus. And I’m not due to see my surgeon for a few months, I’m needing to see a new neurologist, spine doctor, cardiologist so I’m the opposite of most in needing more doctors. Weight loss isn’t a easy answer or a cure but don’t let it hold you back from trying,

I am also dealing with crazy emotions and can’t process my weight loss. And can’t explain how I feel because this is a permanent change in a life where I can’t control anything else. I’m now in menopause due to recent surgery and need to manage new chronic conditions along with existing ones. and ones yet to be diagnosed. Ie. A neurological cause of dysphasia muscle weakness. my thoughts have been scattered and exhausting and I’m in a difficult head space because of where my life couldn’t go. And won’t.

it was either give up and lose because of my chronic illness or keep gaining weight. And lose even more of myself. The surgery just exposed weaknesses that I didn’t expect but need to adapt to. The weight was killing me faster hurting me more.

My mom has someone in her life and he needs to consider bariatric surgery he is 6’ over 330lbs has diabetes, high blood pressure is on a lot of meds, thinks he is eating healthy enough, thinks Protein balances carbs and sugars, needs knee replacement. says he knows what’s right. But he judges me and my weight loss journey, comments how I look and how he thinks I should feel about it rather than focus on working on himself. And I’m finding that hard. Because he is capable but he wants the doctors and pills to do the work. And maybe because I never trusted the doctors or pills I see things differently. But it’s hard to be around people who watch how you eat or don’t eat and think it too strange for them to understand.

ive spent my life on the outside and people can’t understand my chronic illness, or what my weight was doing to me overall, and that I will never be well but couldn’t continue on the path of gaining weight and the burden it put on my body.

i wish someone could edit this so it could make sense. I write things and then panic about what I said. I hold back words most of my life and now I am trying not to in hopes it can reach the few people who feel as weird as I do. Struggle with health, body issues, life itself. And just want to have a body they feel good in for themselves and skin they can be comfortable in for themselves. Not just image but how we feel in clothes how we feel in our life whatever type of life it is. And not let the people around us define it or alter it yet not have to disconnect from them either. I don’t have much in my life and I’m hanging on as hard as I can to what is left. And my weight was part of this to try and have something I never could. I see my age I feel older and I’m trying each moment to stay on my feet upwardly mobile and not bed bound. Which honestly I am much of the time. Not by choice. And no one in the Weight loss journey talks about this side of things. The people that can’t be as active but struggle with food issues too. And that diet and exercise, especially exercise can’t fix. I haven’t had a normal life my body has been old before anyone else. I live around 90 year olds more active than me.

ive been writing this over an hour and I’ve exhausted myself and Im putting it out in a public forum and that scares me. Especially since it’s scattered and long. Like all my other posts. I try to check in and answer what I can and took a while to come around to post my update. I’m shocked at six months and I’ve gone from 5’ 0” over 208 lbs BMI of 40, to around 130 lbs. I weigh myself dressed so I don’t feel shocked at changes. I weigh myself daily. Log my food the best I can. Do this for you and no one else, do this because you are ready even when you feel you aren’t. Do this for your health but also your wellbeing. Do this knowing that you need to still put in the work. Do this knowing each persons experience is different but yours is yours and as important as anyone else’s.

im most resistant to changes but sometimes we have to adapt or die. Ignore the numbers or what other people desire, and do this for ourselves.

I need a brain edit. I’ve said too much but only touched the surface. I know this is a public forum and I probably didn’t stay in a linear train of thought. My hormones are all whacked and I see life staring at me taunting me. We just want to fit. Even when we think we never will. I know my experience isn’t much and I’m terrible with words. If this needs to be removed that’s ok. I just felt I needed to say them.

[Kimberly3 71]

Thank you for your amazing courage and strength to share your story. I know it was very scary for you, but I am grateful you did. As a newbie here, I crave any and all informative from people with experiences and willing to share. So thank you again for your awesome story and sharing it with all of us you help us learn a great deal.

[Pug-Mom-Patti 58]

I just want to say that I think you did a great job posting your thoughts, feelings and experiences!

I relate to many of the things you wrote, but this is my absolute favorite part:

Do this for you and no one else, do this because you are ready even when you feel you aren’t. Do this for your health but also your wellbeing. Do this knowing that you need to still put in the work. Do this knowing each persons experience is different but yours is yours and as important as anyone else’s.

Thank you for putting yourself out here and congratulations on all of your current and future successes!

😊😊

[Darktowerdream 420]

Can’t quite say how much I appreciate the response. I will be back around tomorrow. My surgery wasnt normal I was bed bound And couldn’t move. but we all need to know it’s ok and why we take the first step in our journey. And for what reason. We just can’t give up when the going gets rough. Especially with the holidays approaching and emotions tend to be very raw. Takes all my energy to do small tasks. Including writing messages. But we also need to support each other no matter how different our personal journey.

[Bari_KS 499]

Thank you for finding courage to put your message in beautiful words! Your weightloss is impressive. Congrats on your success.

[FluffyChix 17,415]

7 hours ago, Darktowerdream said:

but we all need to know it’s ok and why we take the first step in our journey. And for what reason. We just can’t give up when the going gets rough. Especially with the holidays approaching and emotions tend to be very raw.

Wow so much great stuff in this post! Thank you for sharing a part of yourself and sharing your journey with us. This is a safe space to do that and we have a caring group of friends here.

This quote really resonates with me. There are so many people who share this feeling!!! We all need to band together when the holidays (and family) get too much to bear and come here to share and support!!!

Glad you're here hon and glad you are processing the new you. It's not easy doing the head work. It really isn't. And huge proppahs on the size 6 Levis! Wooot!

[GreenTealael 25,330]

10 hours ago, Darktowerdream said:

I suddenly have the desire to be able to wear shorts that I probably didn’t since I was eight years old the last time I might have been considered thin and maybe a Tom boy. I want to be that kid and not how old am I? I know I can’t get it back but when you fight your body for so long you want simple things.

Confession time:

I took my teens to a trampoline park recently and overheard them whispering that I dress young. They have never really cared what I looked liked until recently with the last 10ish lbs lost when people mistaken me for their peer not Mum.

This has been bothering me ever since. Really bothering me. I didn't think i was doing it on purpose. I thought i was a mere victim of my height and new size (no decent mature clothes in the juniors section for moms 😬) but now that you have put these words to paper (digitally) I can't help but wonder if subconsciously im trying to return to Neverland... I need to think 😔

10 hours ago, Darktowerdream said:

i wish someone could edit this so it could make sense.

I think you did a great job and people can take what they need to from your post. Thanks for sharing with us 💙

[FluffyChix 17,415]

6 minutes ago, GreenTealael said:

think you did a great job and people can take what they need to from your post. Thanks for sharing with us 💙

Agree a meeeeellllllioooon times!

[mcfluffington 179]

Congratulations on your NSV.

Your lucky you had that whole closet of clothes to fall back on.

I know thinking about your weight can play on your mind without having any neurological or psychiatric issues to exacerbate it.

Recently I have been going a little nuts. about dieting. I am trying to lose from a weight regain. So far I have lost 25 lbs but that took two and 1/2 years.

I took a day not to think to hard about stuff and now I am back on track.

Maybe you could take a mental vacation from it like me.

Good luck!

[Machalo 283]

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings and experiences, @Darktowerdream! You are very brave. For a minute I was wondering how you got into my head, LOL! I don't know that I could be that brave to show all my emotions and thoughts and such. While I don't have the same struggles that you do, I know we all have our own paths to walk, and I wish you all the best!

You said, We just can’t give up when the going gets rough. That hits me where I live because life is rough a lot of the time. I figure if it is calm I'm not growing. Since I love to learn and am a permanent student, I don't mind stretching a little here and a little there. It's when the stretching is like pulling a rubber band to the breaking point that I mind.

You have done an awesome job with your weight loss with your challenges. I will look back on your post when I need a pick-me-up and refocus. You are an inspiration, keep up the great work. ((HUGS))

[Darktowerdream 420]

15 hours ago, FluffyChix said:

Glad you're here hon and glad you are processing the new you. It's not easy doing the head work. It really isn't. And huge proppahs on the size 6 Levis! Wooot!

I’m trying to answer before I crash for the night. Laundry day always has me beat and I went to play bingo. I don’t get out much. Tomorrow I’m supposed to have a interstitial cystitis treatment but the last one made me very sick.

im trying to branch out and add new things and find it a struggle to keep on top of it all.

12 hours ago, Machalo said:

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and feelings and experiences, @Darktowerdream! You are very brave. For a minute I was wondering how you got into my head, LOL! I don't know that I could be that brave to show all my emotions and thoughts and such. While I don't have the same struggles that you do, I know we all have our own paths to walk, and I wish you all the best!

I tend to be over honest especially in writing with my thoughts though I can’t always process the emotions.

13 hours ago, mcfluffington said:

Maybe you could take a mental vacation from it like me.

Yeah I could use a break from myself but I am ocd. Maybe some would call it an eating disorder. I just need control of even one thing in my life. I tried so hard to not let stresses to cause me to make mistakes. If I do i get back on track.

Without family, being just my mom and I the holidays will be tough. Especially since it tends to be centered around food I try not to let others habits influence mine. That’s hard. To do the head work. To not fall into bad habits. To know what foods are good for our bodies. I’m far far from perfect but I’ve got nothing else so I fight until I can’t.

I want to at least have words to help if I can. And I know sometimes that’s not wanted. I wish my moms friend would listen and take care of himself. When people notice I lost weight they say things like you don’t have loose skin or exercise can fix it (nope) I don’t think they realize my age. And my body feels even older.

now I’m rambling. Each day I weigh myself I hold my breath and hope for the best and that I can keep the right path despite stress and pain and exhaustion. My childhood was rather hellish and always had weird food issues. But keep working at it, starting with navigating what works for you.

[Darktowerdream 420]

I forgot writing last night and wanted to avoid a doctor appointment this morning, meeting the nurse for a treatment for interstitial cystitis but I had a really bad reaction the last time and had to discuss possible alternatives.

The nurse in my doctor office felt bad leaving me with nothing for the severe pain from IC but bariatric surgery means I need to change my approach to some things. Which my body isn’t keen on medication anyway. I have severe chemical sensitivities.

so I had to postpone what to do until I see a spine surgeon, and other doctor appointments. I’m exhausted. To say the least. And needed to get some errands. In before I crash for the rest of the day.

I was able to exchange shorts for a smaller size in Kohl’s and return a jacket that was suddenly too big . And needed groceries since I’m trying to listen to my nutritionist and try new foods. I got dr praegers veggie burgers, pollock burgers because they are a blend of Protein and soft vegetables. And some egg frittata things not as much protein but low calories with egg and vegetables. I am still having to eat very soft foods but working around it.

i mix plain yogurt with protein or BariatricPal pudding mix. I buy good culture cottage cheese cups because a small cup is only 110 calories and 19 grams protein.

I definitely can’t drink enough Water but doing the best I can. With tea. Hot or iced. Even though drinking even thin shakes is basically the sensation of being waterboarded. Because it keeps wanting to go to my lungs ....

I just needed to ramble before I crash for a while. Literally crash as that is what m.e. Does (post exertional malaise) And no one in my life understands. I had a very late Breakfast lunch.

i had to organize the freezer and finally donated a few bags of too big clothes. This is the most I’ve done in months and I will be paying for days to weeks for it.

hoping I can at least be helpful by checking back here sometimes.

[Machalo 283]

Aww, take good care of yourself! And come back whenever you can - we love hearing your story. Congratulations on all you got accomplished, it made me tired just reading it all. You've done an awesome job. ((HUGS))

[FluffyChix 17,415]

Rest and have a great day. You've done a ton already this morning!!! The new foods sound delish. Let us know how you like them. Have you tried thickenup? To thicken up your drinks so you don't asperate?

[Darktowerdream 420]

I was recommended thickenup but it contradicts with gastric bypass, my food intolerances, my pouch. It tends to fill the belly that I need to be getting Protein and Vitamins into. I have trouble with the ingredients I can’t recall them. There’s a Jello but it’s very expensive. Small sips from my water bottle sets it off. I try to have wetter foods and no meats. The more I drink the more pain. And swallow what I can. Priority is protein. And vitamins. And just enough calories. I’m trying to split the breakfast, lunch and dinner protein more equally instead of skipping lunch. I need to follow up with a different neurologist. The neurologist I saw says I need a diagnostic hospital or clinic. But I was also told even if they figure out what the cause is it can’t be fixed if it’s neurological damage, that was my pcp. Yet she doesn’t quite take it seriously I guess because I, not totally dehydrated. I was asked if I was suggested to have a feeding tube, I’m not there yet. I want to give foods a chance even if I need to eat nutrient dense very small portions ( and still feel sick.)

I bought some of my teas I could find like Yogi teas, natural India tulsi tea. I buy 5 calories ocean spray crab grape usually but now they have grapefruit. I make a small herbal tea, ice it, mix in ocean spray 5 calories juice (hardly any sugar) and sometimes protein if I need it.

I have only one vice I started and that’s a small cup of cafe bustelo in the evening, seems the only thing to keep my heart racing into oblivion as it does all day. Instead of milk I take a rtd Protein Shake with 30 grams protein and use a little bit like coffee creamer.

so far I’ve tried Dr. Praegers pollock burger as lunch when I need less protein, one pollock burger is 90 calories and 9 grams protein. I had two since they are tiny.

Then there is a plant based burger (I couldn’t find more today) but it’s 4 ounce 240 calories but 28 grams protein. They use pea protein and vegetables.

I got anoTher plant based dr praegers perfect burger 4 ounces, 230 calories and 20 grams protein. (They only had one) so I got the all American burger same size and calorie with 22 grams protein. I’m just not a big fan of onion in it. I normally like Gardein best. But these were bogo sale. And I’m looking for whatever has vegetables with more protein for the least calories in the smallest portion. So I get it all in one simple to prepare portion.

i do soft boiled eggs even though they don’t like me so I go easy on that.

a few BariatricPal protein foods are good low calorie meals for 15 grams protein like their pancakes, mug cakes, Protein Shots, I had my first soft Protein Bar finally. Admittedly I ate that between sips of yogi slim life tea with ripple milk.

i like their Soups and protein Pasta but they do make me bloat on a bad day.

In a pinch I grab a Koia plant based protein rtd,

the cottage cheese is a very small finely blended cottage cheese and loaded with protein and Probiotics. that goes down easier I sometimes put a little low sugar chia jelly. Maybe a teaspoon.

my nutritionist recommended 2good yogurt. It’s good to blend with Protein Powder. Now I do a smaller portion. I bought aldi plain yogurt and mixed 3 ounces with a little pea protein ripple milk and BariatricPal toffee flavor pudding mix and it’s really good and 140 calories, 20 grams protein.

The stricture is still a issue but if I’m careful I get the nutrition I need. I log my food by calories and protein but mostly low carb. Each day I make a quick meal plan, write down my weight and what main task I have that day if any. Usually a dr appointment or laundry.

my biggest cheat, (for the fiber) I had an apple peeled and cut up what I couldn’t finish I feed the birds. They do get my leftovers sometimes. I tried protein crisps once.

whatever takes the least chewing to dissolve so there isn’t too much to swallow l chewing tires me and I have to be careful. One would think I was older than I am. Hopefully this information can be helpful. Almost seven months out I’m actually taking it slow and doing my best to keep things moving along, I’m working on the forever “way of eating “

admittedly dairy is a bit of a allergy trigger but low fat dairy does help progress weight loss. Like TwoGood yogurt, good culture cottage cheese.

the hard part is the neurological problems, dysphasia, inability to truly taste food. I sparingly add things to add punch. I’m also now officially in menopause. I’m working against a lot. Not for attention or accolades or pity but in hopes that something I say can benefit someone.