Changes in relationships PO

[Sheribear68 3,200]

Okay, so I’ve got to vent and y’all are my online therapists, don’t ya know?

How many of you can point to several relationships that have been changed for the worse by WLS?

I’ve got many fans and supporters, but there are a few friends who I swear treat me like I’ve got the plague now.

The latest in particular is a friend who lives in the next state. She’s got elderly parents here and comes every few weeks to check on them.
Long story short, they just sold their house to live in assisted living and my friend was here a whole week.
In the past, she’s come through for Easter, July 4th, and other random visits, yet I never find out about them until it’s too late to get together.

This time—knowing it was going to be emotionally rough for her— I offered to help out in any way possible and she said “sure”. Then I proceeded to hear nothing from her about getting together until I finally broke down and texted to see how she was holding up emotionally and did she need me to bring her anything/take her out to dinner/buy her a bottle of wine, etc....

The response was that she was packing up to head home and would be too busy.
Now I’m trying not to be paranoid, but before I had WLS, this never happened and I know for a fact that another mutual friend (who is still MO) took her to dinner the other night.

My friend is MO and has been for her whole adult life. The only reason she even knows I had WLS was because we met back at the start of March and i confessed why I couldn’t really eat much (I was only 4 weeks PO then)
Funnily enough, that’s the last time we’ve seen each other face to face.

I’m trying my best to give her the benefit of the doubt, but it’s really getting tough to do that.

[AZhiker 2,252]

I've gotten the cold shoulder from my sis-in-law. She has gained some weight in the past couple of years, and I think my weight loss has threatened her in some way. I never mention it and she is the only relative who has not commented or asked questions about how I lost weight. A couple of overweight co-workers are acting the same way. I honestly down play my weight loss, I never bring it up to anyone, and I do not believe I treat anyone any differently, but I definitely see some changes in the attitudes of others.

[New&Improved 1,780]

Yea i think it's hard for obese people to see others change their lives around because their reality and mortality is in their face EVERYTIME they see you lose weight as they continue to eat bad and gain weight.

I know now even at the start of my journey some of my obese friends act as if they are happy to hear my progress but they quickly change subjects lol

Don't stress too much about it

[cyberdiva 47]

Yeh, I think, no I believe that “haters are gonna hate”. Seriously, I believe that as we get smaller we intimidate those people; especially if we were already fairly confident.

How many of us have heard the comments about how THEY are going to lose weight without surgery. Then, surprise. . . It doesn’t happen, but the person says it loud enough for you to hear. SMH

#ThatIsAll

[FluffyChix 17,415]

Yeah. So strange. It is her, not you. It's like you cheated on her or left the group, or something and now "due to cheating by having surgery and taking the easy way out", you are "one of them"--the skinny bi*ches.

And she now feels more self-concious about her fattitude and condition. She also doesn't WANT to change her reality. She would rather have her food comfort/drug rather than change her life and eating habits.

Sorry you are experiencing that!

My middle sis is highly competitive with everyone, but especially me. And although she is proud of me and compliments me often, I can see it bothers her that she is now the "heavy sister". She watches everything I put in my mouth and I can tell, she chooses smaller portions and dishes she wouldn't normally eat when we go out.

Meh...you can only do you. Can't control anyone else...

Edited September 27, 2019 by FluffyChix

[Sheribear68 3,200]

Thanks for the responses guys.

It’s really hurtful right now and even though I knew it wasn’t me (I try very hard to fly under the radar, but it’s not exactly like you can “hide” losing over 90 pounds) it’s nice to be reassured.

I make very sure that I don’t mention anything about losing weight, buying new clothes, or how good I feel to anybody except you guys and very very close family members and 1-2 friends who I know are absolutely rock-solid love me no-matter-what kind of relationships.

As I was stewing over this (because it’s cut me to the core and I’m kind of past the point where I can lie to myself and make yet another excuse up for this girl to avoid me now) I started making a list of positive changes in relationships.

1. I’ve got lots of friends all over the country and one of my long-term-yet-not-very-close friends and I have been reconnecting weekly via text and FB messaging bc she’s lost over 90 pounds (not WLS, just totally gave up sugar and now regularly does duathalons) and that relationship is awesome bc we send each other selfies and report on our progress and hold each other accountable.

2. All of you guys here. As if I didn’t realize how important coming here daily and posting was, the new IOS update really brought that home when my ability to be here is limited to when I can get on my pad.

3. The people I’m seeing daily at the Pilates studio.
Okay, so it’s not as easy to make new besties at the age of 50 as it is at the age of 5 (which is a shame really) but seeing these ladies daily in class brings on a feeling of camaraderie that’s really nice.

4. Myself.
Probably should’ve listed this relationship first, but the relationship I have with myself is a complete 180 from where I was this time last year.

[gabybab 696]

That's too bad, Sheri! I think people that are mo have a hard time dealing with someone else taking care of themselves. She probably would have a hard time looking at you and being happy that you are losing and she is not. Don't take it personally!

[tahoetwin 7]

I just had my consult and started my nutritionist appointments for the Gastric Sleeve. I have shared my decision with a couple of friends. Today was the first time a friend stopped taking to me because of it. She is VERY fit and skinny. It made me wonder if she was my friend because I was fat. I decided I'm doing this for me and don't need anyone's approval or permission. Man it still hurts though. I'm sorry that happened to you.

Sent from my SM-G950U using BariatricPal mobile app

[Cheeseburgh 3,080]

I don’t buy into the jealousy or haters gonna hate excuses. I try and see the best in people. Do you remember how you felt 75-100 pounds heavier? I was very insecure with myself.

(I believe) People feel vulnerable when things/people change around them. Sometimes they avoid people who change because it might bring up feelings of inadequacy or force them to look inward which might be uncomfortable for them.

All you can do is be yourself and hope you reconnect someday.

[Sheribear68 3,200]

On 10/02/2019 at 22:10, tahoetwin said:

I just had my consult and started my nutritionist appointments for the Gastric Sleeve. I have shared my decision with a couple of friends. Today was the first time a friend stopped taking to me because of it. She is VERY fit and skinny. It made me wonder if she was my friend because I was fat. I decided I'm doing this for me and don't need anyone's approval or permission. Man it still hurts though. I'm sorry that happened to you.

Sent from my SM-G950U using BariatricPal mobile app

Fabulous attitude!
I’m so excited to hear that you’re taking your first steps on this marvelous journey.
Please keep us posted on how things progress

[Sheribear68 3,200]

On 10/02/2019 at 22:30, Cheeseburgh said:

I don’t buy into the jealousy or haters gonna hate excuses. I try and see the best in people. Do you remember how you felt 75-100 pounds heavier? I was very insecure with myself.

(I believe) People feel vulnerable when things/people change around them. Sometimes they avoid people who change because it might bring up feelings of inadequacy or force them to look inward which might be uncomfortable for them.

All you can do is be yourself and hope you reconnect someday.

I quite honestly don’t know what to think.
Definitely the change is messing with her, and I’ve been very understanding because of all of the stuff she’s dealing with.
At the end of the day though, it doesn’t take the hurt away. She’s letting other friends into her circle and allowing them to help and to be there for her. That’s the part that’s the toughest to deal with ATM.
I’ll continue to give her space and feign ignorance as to not make her uncomfortable.
But it still hurts

[looly 361]

I haven't had a single person be nasty with me because of the surgery. I've got some lovely friends (not many, but they're peaches!)😊

Some people have been b*tchy with me in the past - but that was their problem, not mine. I've detached from them and interestingly, they've turned on each other now. What goes around comes around, eh?

[november11 970]

wow !!!! I have been discussing this with my sister who will have this surgery next year and my niece who is 8 months out and looking fabulous and she warned me this is inevitable especially with females unfortunately and she told me to be ready with a comeback when they make little negative comments sooooo im gonna just say. I was morbid obese,had high blood pressure ,high cholesterol taking 8 pills a day and had severe sleep apnea sooooo let me get this straight you think I should have stayed like that rather than be and look like this??? WOW and just walk away...…..

[drawingdami 34]

Yeah, I think everyone gets focused on reacting to your physical changes and forget that there was a huge health aspect in deciding to do this as well. I'm doing it for health reasons first and foremost and mental health is included in that. If my appearance makes me feel better about myself then that is a healthy win.