Venting about my husband

[teemags48 19]

5 hours ago, CurvyMom said:

Totally unnecessary and NOT HELPFUL!

Please ignore the grammar police!! That was a rude comment. AchievesGoals should worry about their manners.

[MIZ60 1,291]

13 hours ago, AchieveGoals said:

RIP grammar, but I hope it all works out for you!

What is the point of a rude comment like that? If you can't say something nice or supportive and feel policing someone's grammar is necessary do it somewhere else.

[Jobber 321]

Hello, just my two cents (for what it's worth) on this since I have been through some tough times getting my SO on board with everything.

He's probably feeling inferior and the inappropriate advances are possibly his way of asserting dominance (or control) while feeling inferior of the "new you".

Any time you ask him to change the behavior that you have only now changed since you had the surgery is another shot at his pride. You're basically telling him that you're better than him without actually doing it. Or at least that is how he may be taking it.

The non-teeth-brushing and other hygiene issues could also be related to a way of protesting all the changes, even if only subconsciously done.

You need to level with him and like the others said to seek some counseling or it's only going to get worse.

Good Luck, I hope you can work this out.

[BlueAngelEyes 164]

9 hours ago, Jobber said:

Hello, just my two cents (for what it's worth) on this since I have been through some tough times getting my SO on board with everything.

He's probably feeling inferior and the inappropriate advances are possibly his way of asserting dominance (or control) while feeling inferior of the "new you".

Any time you ask him to change the behavior that you have only now changed since you had the surgery is another shot at his pride. You're basically telling him that you're better than him without actually doing it. Or at least that is how he may be taking it.

The non-teeth-brushing and other hygiene issues could also be related to a way of protesting all the changes, even if only subconsciously done.

You need to level with him and like the others said to seek some counseling or it's only going to get worse.

Good Luck, I hope you can work this out.

Thank u for ur post. I think u are right. Iam looking into different counceling things we can do to help our marriage and maybe he will open up more about his personal things hes feeling and going through. Hes just shutting down so i hope things change soon. We havent had sex in like 6months maybe it all has to do with that. Ive heard men r irritable if they dont get sugar from there spouce. I dont know. But i guess im mostly to blame if it is cause of how gross ive felt being so big.. anyways u got me thinking more so thanks.

[Stitches78 65]

My doctor made it a point to tell me that having surgery can cause marital issues. I got lucky. My wife decided she was going to use this as a chance to change things around for her. She and I are on a similar diet and she gets as much exercise as I do. We just cut out going out to eat. We do experiment with new recipes and everything, and that kind of helps keep the diet in check.

I used to take zoloft for my ocd. It should actually make him less hungry...but it can really screw with your sleep. It also makes you sweat a lot. I remember I went on a trip, and I was on a plane for 7 hours, and I was sweating the whole time. It was awful. The thing about those types of drugs, is you need to find the right ones that work for you. So, the zoloft might not be working. He needs to go see the doctor...and he needs to talk to someone. Just taking the drugs won't help, you have to work on your issues as well. I'm not sure if the bathing thing and teeth brushing was like that before...but he needs to kind of know that's not ok. And of course there will always be an excuse not to go to therapy. Hell, I came up with reasons not to go. Guys tend to see it as a weakness. But he needs to go. Clearly, something is going on, and it has to be addressed.

I also get the whole thing about having a device attached to you all the time. My wife is the same way. She's always got her face buried in her phone. Drives me nuts. There has to be some kind of rules. I hate to say that...but unfortunately, if that kind of behavior is not addressed, it will cause problems. He's not a child, but he's acting like one. I'm not sure what kind of talks you've had with him...but if he's not willing to do anything to make things better, it is not fair to you, nor your children. I'm not saying to dump him, but if you love him, and you want things to work out, then he needs to understand that things can't continue the way they are.

It's ok to come on here and gripe about things. We all need to get things out of us. It's healthy. I really hope things work out. It sucks to see someone self-destructing when you're trying to move things in a more positive direction. I'll keep my fingers crossed that it works out.

[BlueAngelEyes 164]

42 minutes ago, Stitches78 said:

My doctor made it a point to tell me that having surgery can cause marital issues. I got lucky. My wife decided she was going to use this as a chance to change things around for her. She and I are on a similar diet and she gets as much exercise as I do. We just cut out going out to eat. We do experiment with new recipes and everything, and that kind of helps keep the diet in check.

I used to take zoloft for my ocd. It should actually make him less hungry...but it can really screw with your sleep. It also makes you sweat a lot. I remember I went on a trip, and I was on a plane for 7 hours, and I was sweating the whole time. It was awful. The thing about those types of drugs, is you need to find the right ones that work for you. So, the zoloft might not be working. He needs to go see the doctor...and he needs to talk to someone. Just taking the drugs won't help, you have to work on your issues as well. I'm not sure if the bathing thing and teeth brushing was like that before...but he needs to kind of know that's not ok. And of course there will always be an excuse not to go to therapy. Hell, I came up with reasons not to go. Guys tend to see it as a weakness. But he needs to go. Clearly, something is going on, and it has to be addressed.

I also get the whole thing about having a device attached to you all the time. My wife is the same way. She's always got her face buried in her phone. Drives me nuts. There has to be some kind of rules. I hate to say that...but unfortunately, if that kind of behavior is not addressed, it will cause problems. He's not a child, but he's acting like one. I'm not sure what kind of talks you've had with him...but if he's not willing to do anything to make things better, it is not fair to you, nor your children. I'm not saying to dump him, but if you love him, and you want things to work out, then he needs to understand that things can't continue the way they are.

It's ok to come on here and gripe about things. We all need to get things out of us. It's healthy. I really hope things work out. It sucks to see someone self-destructing when you're trying to move things in a more positive direction. I'll keep my fingers crossed that it works out.

Thank you for ur response. I agree and appreciate ur advice. Its wonderful you and your wife are able to come together and try recipes and encourage each other. I hope my husband and i can come together as well.

[Sandra Nuelken 419]

I've been married for a long time so I'm saying this from experience. The first time I lost the weight with the band my husband traveled so I guess I was lucky. Just a thought, most men don't know how to be supportive so they need clear instructions. Have a family meeting and sit everyone down and tell them what you need from them. Tell them how they can be a part of your victory. Don't purchase junk food, only healthy food. Tell your husband that he can demonstrate his love and support by eating healthy, take the kids out for the junk food and to be supportive. I've told my husband this time that he will be responsible for his meals. I may pick them up but I am not responsible for them. I'm on my pre-op diet now. As for Snacks, he can't have anything I like, at this time. We will take this one week at a time. Tomorrow is a rotessori chicken day I will take my 4oz and the veggies and he and the dogs will get the rest. Your mind will take a year to catch up to your size. Take a lot of pics so you can see the difference. You have to remember we never thought we were as big as we were, so it makes sense we won't notice how small we are either. Keep venting here if it helps.

[BlueAngelEyes 164]

3 hours ago, Sandra Nuelken said:

I've been married for a long time so I'm saying this from experience. The first time I lost the weight with the band my husband traveled so I guess I was lucky. Just a thought, most men don't know how to be supportive so they need clear instructions. Have a family meeting and sit everyone down and tell them what you need from them. Tell them how they can be a part of your victory. Don't purchase junk food, only healthy food. Tell your husband that he can demonstrate his love and support by eating healthy, take the kids out for the junk food and to be supportive. I've told my husband this time that he will be responsible for his meals. I may pick them up but I am not responsible for them. I'm on my pre-op diet now. As for Snacks, he can't have anything I like, at this time. We will take this one week at a time. Tomorrow is a rotessori chicken day I will take my 4oz and the veggies and he and the dogs will get the rest. Your mind will take a year to catch up to your size. Take a lot of pics so you can see the difference. You have to remember we never thought we were as big as we were, so it makes sense we won't notice how small we are either. Keep venting here if it helps.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I like your post alot it makes sence. I think i will apply some of it to my life as well. Thank u!

[New&Improved 1,780]

It's common that you notice things more after surgery and completely changing your life. You spent so many years stuck in a rut with him and now you know you deserve better. You deserve more respect. You deserve someonewho appreciates you and someone who wants to better themselves. You are changing your life and your kids lives yet your husband is stuck in a negative pattern.

You are finally embracing your future and everyday you are living while your husband is barely existing. You feel why should you have to put up with him after everything you've done for him over the years.

He can't even say thank you?!? Or even take the effort to shower for you?

[TravMac 42]

Thank you for sharing! I’m having the exact same issues! Glad I’m not the only one!

[BlueAngelEyes 164]

Okay im complaining about my husband again, im sorry i dont have anyone to talk about it with so anyone reading sorry to vent. my husband turns eveything i say and somehow thinks i said something else and i try to correct him and he says thats not what i said. Weve always had a rockie marriage and almost got divorced last year. Ive always loved animals and recently got involved with a friend saving a dog at a high kill shelter on the euthanized list. So i want to rescue animals and help them find someone to love them. My husband likes animals but would be fine with having one. Everytime i was dealing with the ups and downs of finding a rescue to pull this dog i was trying to talk to him about it all and hes like this is making you have an attitude and i have to look at him and say this isnt making me have an attitude your just being a insensitive ass and not being supportive. I tell him this is what i want to do it makes me happy and he says im going to ruin our marriage. WTF! Im so angry ive been eatting stupid crap like chocolate chip Cookies and krispie cream donuts. Im so angry i know im emotional eatting and i can stop tomorrow. Haha! But he wants me to pick the animals or him. He started saying if he was sick and the cat was sick id pick the cat over him.. well the answer is kinda but thats only because i believe animals are innocent creatures and need our help hes a grown a** adult and can take care of him self. He is a freaking baby! I havent had such a big blow up with food till today and feel so down. I feel like i have to pick to keep my husband happy and just be happy with what i have or say i want tk do what makes me happy and save animals as i can. I dont know but im down!

[Sandra Nuelken 419]

2 hours ago, BlueAngelEyes said:

Okay im complaining about my husband again, im sorry i dont have anyone to talk about it with so anyone reading sorry to vent. my husband turns eveything i say and somehow thinks i said something else and i try to correct him and he says thats not what i said. Weve always had a rockie marriage and almost got divorced last year. Ive always loved animals and recently got involved with a friend saving a dog at a high kill shelter on the euthanized list. So i want to rescue animals and help them find someone to love them. My husband likes animals but would be fine with having one. Everytime i was dealing with the ups and downs of finding a rescue to pull this dog i was trying to talk to him about it all and hes like this is making you have an attitude and i have to look at him and say this isnt making me have an attitude your just being a insensitive ass and not being supportive. I tell him this is what i want to do it makes me happy and he says im going to ruin our marriage. WTF! Im so angry ive been eatting stupid crap like chocolate chip Cookies and krispie cream donuts. Im so angry i know im emotional eatting and i can stop tomorrow. Haha! But he wants me to pick the animals or him. He started saying if he was sick and the cat was sick id pick the cat over him.. well the answer is kinda but thats only because i believe animals are innocent creatures and need our help hes a grown a** adult and can take care of him self. He is a freaking baby! I havent had such a big blow up with food till today and feel so down. I feel like i have to pick to keep my husband happy and just be happy with what i have or say i want tk do what makes me happy and save animals as i can. I dont know but im down!

You need to keep your priority right now your health. If marriage counseling is out of the question, just focus on your health, weight loss, and anything that will give you a strong base to make your life goals. I admire your goals to protect animals, but may I suggest that maybe you could volunteer at a no-kill shelter. They need volunteers to care for the animals. You need to make peace at home before bringing in new responsibilities. Get healthy, find good support in that goal, then once you have your power then you can make a decision as to what to do. I went back to school with the goal to make myself independent and able to support myself. I really think you need to focus on your health now and your power now. If your husband chooses to act the jerk, ignore him and make yourself a stronger woman.

[rs 1,473]

I agree with Sandra. Please focus on yourself and your health first. If you're good then good things can happen from there. Continue sharing your feelings here, or to family and friends who supportive. Maybe find things to do outside of the house to minimize your time around him. Even if you just drive somewhere like a park and sit to enjoy the solitude. Hang in there!