Venting about my husband

[BlueAngelEyes 164]

So ive lost 32 pounds sence surgery on may 31st. Feel like i weighed the same as i did before surgery but i clearly dont sence i have so much more energy now. Ive been going through all my clutter cleaning everyday and my husband has Noticed a huge change on what i do. I actually fill up Water balloons and squirt guns and run around the yard with my kids geting wet when before i sat on my bench and told them to play. Im more hands on. I feel like hiking and that is a saying i think i have never ever said in my life.

My husband has something going on anxiety or depression but he wont stop eatting marie calendar chicken pot pies. Yummy little suckers but there 1000 cal each. He thens has a snicker ice cream bar which i do take a small bite of :). Hes gaining weight and eatting horrible. He wont talk about whats wrong and he didnt use to be a stress eatter i always was he was the type that starved himself in times of stress.

I guess its bothering me he is eatting so un healthy. He doesnt eat vegys or fruit unless i serve him it for dinner. This new me wants him to be healthy and i dont know how to get him there with me.

Also he wont stop touching me its ticking me off.. lol he keeps touching my boobs or trying to get in my pants when the kids r around and then i turn him down he says im no fun and im an old hag. I try to explain i dont like touchie feelie stuff in front of the kids there 2 and 5 knowing there in the room is not sexy time..

im kinda getting grossed out by him. He doesnt brush his teeth every day cuz hes lazy now and he has death breath. He only takes 1 shower a week. When i take the kids in the spa or to play some thing outside he sits on his phone on the couch playing games on his phone. All he wants to do when he isnt working is watch tv. I used to be a couch ppotaote but lately i just want to get up and go so i started cleaning things out and organizing them while he watches tv.. he gets ssd when i dont want to just watch tv with him thatbi always have to be doing something. Its like that used to be the only thing that bonded us was the dang tv.

He started taking depression meds but doesnt take them everyday like he should unless i remind him. I feel like i have 3 kids its driving me nuts how he is. He keepz taking naps around 5 o clock everyday on the couch and then doesnt sleep well at night and gets up and eats. Hes only 32 he doesnt need naps they screw with him at night. He takes anything i say and turns it around as if im being mean when i mention or suggests he do something different. Im outside the otherday picking weeds in the yard he comes out and says good job and goes back in to play on his phone. Hes no help and its getting to me where i dont want to spend time with him. Weve always had a rockie relationship but now its different and dont really know what to do.

He thinks its annoying i want to put my 5yr old in soccer cause he already does karate and im like i want to get him more active he just wants to play on his tablet all the time and i dont want him being lazy. Kids need to use there imagination and get outside and hes like ok u do that with them. Ugh im just feeling down now. Thanks for listening to me vent!!

[GradyCat 3,695]

It's tough when a loved one is going through something that you want to help them with but they are in denial that they need help.

On a side note, I did find that after my sleeve surgery I was becoming more critical (inside my head, not saying it out loud) of my husband's poor food choices, but the truth is I was eating the same way he was before surgery. When we're healing and making good food choices, it makes the negative ones of those around us more prominent in our minds.

It does sound like he's going through depression. His pills aren't going to help him if he doesn't take them. Can you suggest he see his doctor/psychiatrist?

[AZhiker 2,253]

So sorry you are going through this. Sounds like he is experiencing a lot of anxiety/depression but doesn't know how to work through it except by being passive/aggressive toward you and hurting himself. If he won't see a counsellor, maybe you can go by yourself to learn how to deal with this. You are becoming a new person, but you sure didn't expect hubby to become a new person, too, in the worst way. I really feel for you. I bet others have had unexpected reactions from their spouses as well. It's almost as if he sees you taking control of your life and making amazing changes and this somehow threatens him because now HE is the vulnerable one and now HIS issues look even more magnified. Please consider seeing someone for YOU! And hang in there! Don't let his behavior undermine your success and your new journey.

[DeeberLee 300]

You definitely have to look out for yourself. I learned that the hard way. I was trying to "fix" my spouse's bad eating habits. I thought that since I was eating better, he would also. That didn't happen. I made sure I took care of myself and try to set the good eating example.

[Sosewsue61 3,185]

You needed to vent, come here any time and do that - it's important for your mental health and your journey.

Some men are insecure when the wife makes drastic physical changes and changes the roles that were in place before. He may not know how to handle that. Your description sounds like he is needy and depressed, if his depression meds mess with libido that could bother him. (Wellbutrin does not do that BTW. It takes 3 weeks to take effect, and in some it can have a slight appetite depressant as well.) Depression is joyless and makes a person feel stuck. Men seldom go to counseling, but suggest it anyway.

Try to think back to when you dated and did things together - maybe suggest a date night once a week based on those common interests. Tell him he has to get dressed up, go to a bar with music and dance and talk - you can just get Water with lemon so it looks like a drink. Getting out of the house is good for depression. Or invite another couple over to do something - even just playing cards. Did he ever have hobbies? Motorcycles or bowling, fishing, trains, etc. Arrange a picnic to a forest preserve for the family and lock the phones in the car, bring a frisbee.

Good luck.

[Deedee12 1,860]

You needed to vent, come here any time and do that - it's important for your mental health and your journey.
Some men are insecure when the wife makes drastic physical changes and changes the roles that were in place before. He may not know how to handle that. Your description sounds like he is needy and depressed, if his depression meds mess with libido that could bother him. (Wellbutrin does not do that BTW. It takes 3 weeks to take effect, and in some it can have a slight appetite depressant as well.) Depression is joyless and makes a person feel stuck. Men seldom go to counseling, but suggest it anyway.
Try to think back to when you dated and did things together - maybe suggest a date night once a week based on those common interests. Tell him he has to get dressed up, go to a bar with music and dance and talk - you can just get Water with lemon so it looks like a drink. Getting out of the house is good for depression. Or invite another couple over to do something - even just playing cards. Did he ever have hobbies? Motorcycles or bowling, fishing, trains, etc. Arrange a picnic to a forest preserve for the family and lock the phones in the car, bring a frisbee.
Good luck.

Well said!!! There's a lot of research that has been done about how the marital dynamics changes quite dramatically after WLS! Even the most securely attached couples have adjustment problems talk more of couples that already dealing with active/acute psychiatric disorders such as depression and anxiety. It is EXTREMELY difficult!!

I can so understand your frustration and angst but if you can view him differently (not easy to do) as in from empathy and compassion because believe it or not, those characteristics he's exhibiting now have ALWAYS been there, you just chose to make a change and he has not yet.

I will STRONGLY recommend couples counseling as a way to eventually push him to his own individual therapy. My fear is that if he does not grow and catch up to you, it may cause irreparable damage to your relationship.

Well done!!! You are inspiring and amazing for choosing to make very difficult changes for a better life especially with little marital support/solidarity.

Continue to vent and we'll continue to support and cheer you on because we understand and know IT IS NOT EASY!!

[emoji253][emoji253][emoji253][emoji253][emoji253][emoji253][emoji253][emoji253][emoji253][emoji253][emoji253]

Sent from my SM-N960U using BariatricPal mobile app

[looly 361]

You're changing and he's not - that can cause problems in any relationship, whatever the nature of the change. You have my sympathy, because it's a hard gig.

I suffered from depression long before the surgery and it took me a long time to get better from it. My partner was very calm and patient with me: he looked after me while I found ways to recover. I don't know how he put up with me, but he did.

I think, in the end, he knew he wanted to stay with me because he still liked and loved me, even though I was temporarily a nightmare. And although I'm now over 100 lbs lighter than I used to be, I wouldn't want to ditch him for someone younger and slimmer, because I still like and love him and know that he's reliable when the going is tough.

I suppose you need to decide if you like your husband well enough to wait for him to heal himself, because you can't do it for him.

I'm sending you a virtual hug, because this is such a hard situation to work through. I hope you have a best friend you can talk to.

[AchieveGoals 46]

RIP grammar, but I hope it all works out for you!

[BlueAngelEyes 164]

16 hours ago, Sosewsue61 said:

You needed to vent, come here any time and do that - it's important for your mental health and your journey.

Some men are insecure when the wife makes drastic physical changes and changes the roles that were in place before. He may not know how to handle that. Your description sounds like he is needy and depressed, if his depression meds mess with libido that could bother him. (Wellbutrin does not do that BTW. It takes 3 weeks to take effect, and in some it can have a slight appetite depressant as well.) Depression is joyless and makes a person feel stuck. Men seldom go to counseling, but suggest it anyway.

Try to think back to when you dated and did things together - maybe suggest a date night once a week based on those common interests. Tell him he has to get dressed up, go to a bar with music and dance and talk - you can just get Water with lemon so it looks like a drink. Getting out of the house is good for depression. Or invite another couple over to do something - even just playing cards. Did he ever have hobbies? Motorcycles or bowling, fishing, trains, etc. Arrange a picnic to a forest preserve for the family and lock the phones in the car, bring a frisbee.

Good luck.

My husband never had hobbies. He used to play video games alot but i kinda nipped that in the butt when our first child was born 5yrs ago cuz he was the type to not just ply for an hour or 2 he had to play all day and the next. You deffently have alot of good ideas. We havent tryed alot of things as a couple. Our go to and i think the only thing we do together is watch tv which is getting very boring now. Maybe i can get him to have a game night with his sister. Good suggestion. Hes always been the type to say i love hiking and outdoors but when it comes to it his back hurts and its too hot outside. He is a needy depressed man and im trying not to resent him for acting like Eeyore from winnie the pooh all the time. I have a hard time being negative soo i never see my husband without his stinking ear piece listening to music or a book online. He even has one he sleeps with it really drives me nuts. I think he ADHD or ADD he has to have something going on at all times . He cant just sit there. Im trying to not be critical and nag but goodness gracious its hard.. i think ill deffently try to start some new things for us to do as a fmaily or date night. Thank you for your advice.

[BlueAngelEyes 164]

16 hours ago, Deedee12 said:

Well said!!! There's a lot of research that has been done about how the marital dynamics changes quite dramatically after WLS! Even the most securely attached couples have adjustment problems talk more of couples that already dealing with active/acute psychiatric disorders such as depression and anxiety. It is EXTREMELY difficult!!

I can so understand your frustration and angst but if you can view him differently (not easy to do) as in from empathy and compassion because believe it or not, those characteristics he's exhibiting now have ALWAYS been there, you just chose to make a change and he has not yet.

I will STRONGLY recommend couples counseling as a way to eventually push him to his own individual therapy. My fear is that if he does not grow and catch up to you, it may cause irreparable damage to your relationship.

Well done!!! You are inspiring and amazing for choosing to make very difficult changes for a better life especially with little marital support/solidarity.

Continue to vent and we'll continue to support and cheer you on because we understand and know IT IS NOT EASY!!



Sent from my SM-N960U using BariatricPal mobile app

Thank you!

[BlueAngelEyes 164]

15 hours ago, looly said:

You're changing and he's not - that can cause problems in any relationship, whatever the nature of the change. You have my sympathy, because it's a hard gig.

I suffered from depression long before the surgery and it took me a long time to get better from it. My partner was very calm and patient with me: he looked after me while I found ways to recover. I don't know how he put up with me, but he did.

I think, in the end, he knew he wanted to stay with me because he still liked and loved me, even though I was temporarily a nightmare. And although I'm now over 100 lbs lighter than I used to be, I wouldn't want to ditch him for someone younger and slimmer, because I still like and love him and know that he's reliable when the going is tough.

I suppose you need to decide if you like your husband well enough to wait for him to heal himself, because you can't do it for him.

I'm sending you a virtual hug, because this is such a hard situation to work through. I hope you have a best friend you can talk to.

Thank you for your support. I am a lone ranger i guess. Both my husband and i dont have friends. He has his brother and sis he goes to lunch with on occasion or to china town. I have my sisters and mother but thats it. My mom and sisters are driving me nuts with there critical opinions on diet, life, religion so ive been separating myself from them lately. Ive always was one to have one friend growing up but they would move away and lose contact and so on. I take my kids to mommy groups sometimes but everytime i do i regret it because my kids will get sick from then and it ruins the rest of the week so ive been avoiding that as well. Im in a rut! Alot of people have some good ideas on things to do and try i hope something works.

[BlueAngelEyes 164]

8 hours ago, AchieveGoals said:

RIP grammar, but I hope it all works out for you!

Im sorry my grammer is horrible. Hope my kids have better knowledge of the English language than i do.

[CurvyMom 386]

8 hours ago, AchieveGoals said:

RIP grammar, but I hope it all works out for you!

Totally unnecessary and NOT HELPFUL!

[BlueAngelEyes 164]

On 7/21/2019 at 5:06 AM, GradyCat said:

It's tough when a loved one is going through something that you want to help them with but they are in denial that they need help.

On a side note, I did find that after my sleeve surgery I was becoming more critical (inside my head, not saying it out loud) of my husband's poor food choices, but the truth is I was eating the same way he was before surgery. When we're healing and making good food choices, it makes the negative ones of those around us more prominent in our minds.

It does sound like he's going through depression. His pills aren't going to help him if he doesn't take them. Can you suggest he see his doctor/psychiatrist?

Ive suggested he or we see a psychiatrist or therapist anything. He said we dont have the money for it. Hes on zoloft i put them by his side of the bed now so he actually took them tonight so im hoping he does that continuously everynight. My problem is ive been waking up at 3am the last few nights and cant get back to sleep. I feel like im over thinking with everything i want to do im frazzled. I even took half of .an ambien and still awake. Thanks again for ur post appreciate you commenting.

Edited July 22, 2019 by BlueAngelEyes

[bexybooboo 7]

I would just worry about you. Did he obsess over you're unhealthy eating pre-surgery? As with any addiction, one does something about it when one wants to 🤷

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