Having Such a Hard Time "Treating" Myself

[KT1981 294]

I'm about 7.5 months post-sleeve and down almost 99 pounds (89 from surgery date). I have 26 pounds to goal. I have completely overhauled my eating habits, as many of us have. I stick to my physician's plan very, very closely. So while I am still a work in progress in conquering 30+ years of bad eating habits and a terrible relationship with food, I'm doing incredibly well... except when I decide to treat myself.

Here is my rationale:

I'm a human. I am allowed to enjoy food. Most of the time it is simply fuel, but sometimes I may want to have a cookie, or some chips, or something else that normal, non-obese people eat on occasion as a treat. I am making a conscious decision to eat these foods and am accounting for them in my food logs. I am generally able to eat just one (or one serving) of these items without triggering my binge eating desires... but I can't seem to do it without absolutely beating myself up mentally afterwards.

Today, after having met my Protein requirements for the day, and still being within my preferred caloric intake, I chose to have two servings of tortilla chips (22 chips and 280 calories) and half of a grocery store cookie (70 calories). I can't stop feeling like a failure. Like I "cheated". Like I ruined everything. And you know what that is leading me toward? Binge eating. I haven't done it, and I don't think I will, but I WANT to now, because I'm such a "failure" for having enjoyed something that wasn't strictly fuel for my body.

Does anyone else struggle like this??

[justmetj 421]

Don't look at yourself as a failure. When people do that they tend to want to throw in the towel and binge eat. You're only allowing yourself "treats" if it fits your macros and doesn't exceed your caloric intake. As long as you're within those parameters it is not failing/cheating. It's maintaining a healthy long term balance and creating a healthy relationship with food. It IS going to take the commitment to always log your food so your always aware and accountable and keeping yourself in check.

By the way you're doing great so far! Congratulations on your weight loss!

Edited May 31, 2019 by justmetj

[summerset 5,265]

14 hours ago, KT1981 said:

Here is my rationale:

I'm a human. I am allowed to enjoy food. Most of the time it is simply fuel, but sometimes I may want to have a cookie, or some chips, or something else that normal, non-obese people eat on occasion as a treat. I am making a conscious decision to eat these foods and am accounting for them in my food logs. I am generally able to eat just one (or one serving) of these items without triggering my binge eating desires...

That's a pretty good and normal rationale.

Quote

but I can't seem to do it without absolutely beating myself up mentally afterwards.

Ok, maybe this'll help you feeling better: "food for fuel only forever" is a common wet fantasy of bariatric patients that won't ever come true.

[KCgirl061 1,532]

You absolutely did it the right way though. Youre tracking your food intake, you made sure your Protein was in, you limited your snack. Don't be so hard on yourself. It is okay to treat yourself without feeling guilty about it!

[FluffyChix 17,414]

20 hours ago, KT1981 said:

I'm about 7.5 months post-sleeve and down almost 99 pounds (89 from surgery date). I have 26 pounds to goal. I have completely overhauled my eating habits, as many of us have. I stick to my physician's plan very, very closely. So while I am still a work in progress in conquering 30+ years of bad eating habits and a terrible relationship with food, I'm doing incredibly well... except when I decide to treat myself.

Here is my rationale:

I'm a human. I am allowed to enjoy food. Most of the time it is simply fuel, but sometimes I may want to have a cookie, or some chips, or something else that normal, non-obese people eat on occasion as a treat. I am making a conscious decision to eat these foods and am accounting for them in my food logs. I am generally able to eat just one (or one serving) of these items without triggering my binge eating desires... but I can't seem to do it without absolutely beating myself up mentally afterwards.

Today, after having met my Protein requirements for the day, and still being within my preferred caloric intake, I chose to have two servings of tortilla chips (22 chips and 280 calories) and half of a grocery store cookie (70 calories). I can't stop feeling like a failure. Like I "cheated". Like I ruined everything. And you know what that is leading me toward? Binge eating. I haven't done it, and I don't think I will, but I WANT to now, because I'm such a "failure" for having enjoyed something that wasn't strictly fuel for my body.

Does anyone else struggle like this??

Actually, I think you KNOW the answer to this. Why? Cuz this behavior is sending alarm signals to your rational mind. And you have begun changing your standards. This behavior is aberrant to your new core values. So it is setting up a contradiction. And that always brings stress.

I do not think any of us are 100% perfect. Nor do I think any of us can expect to look at food "as only fuel"--ever! LOL. Cuz it is so much more. Our gut which manufactures 90% of the seratonin in our body makes sure of that. Food is fuel, fun, pleasure, reward, punishment, security, celebration, drug. So. Much. Stuff.

I also think that morale seldom improves with beatings. You just have to accept a choice, catalog it, determine whether it helped or harmed, then decide what you want to do with the next best choice. Then you shrug and move on. But you don't in my honest opinion, tell yourself that your aberrant behavior is ok. It just "is". Right? No judgement attached. And it certainly isn't a treat. Is it a treat to harm your body with a big wad of insulin? Is it a treat to alarm your pancreas by suddenly loading it with highly available sugar influx that has to be neutralized quickly? Is it a treat to alarm your brain into a binge response? I don't think so. It sounds like you don't either.

But it still happens to all of us. It's human. What I do think we have to do is reframe behaviors with food. I don't know about you, but I ENJOY healthy deeply nutritious foods. It tastes great. I don't feel deprivation. So food is fuel but brings me great satisfaction now. And when I'm faced with the tortilla chips I will make lateral changes after making plans to incorporate the tortilla chips in my daily menu. I'll bring Pork rinds in my purse and have 3-4 real tortilla chips, then 3-4 pork rinds with salsa, guac, or queso. No big huge cheat. Instead of a cookie, I might have a couple of squares of a Quest protein bar candy bar that I cut into 8 pieces and freeze for emergencies...or a 1/2c of Enlighten or Halo Top Ice Cream. And I don't feel guilty or tempted to carry on with the highly caloric foods.

Here's a good thread you might want to check out.

[GreenTealael 25,131]

Know your triggers and stay vigilant. Seek professional help when you can no longer manage it alone.

Good Luck 💙

[KT1981 294]

On 6/1/2019 at 12:07 PM, FluffyChix said:

Actually, I think you KNOW the answer to this. Why? Cuz this behavior is sending alarm signals to your rational mind. And you have begun changing your standards. This behavior is aberrant to your new core values. So it is setting up a contradiction. And that always brings stress.

I do not think any of us are 100% perfect. Nor do I think any of us can expect to look at food "as only fuel"--ever! LOL. Cuz it is so much more. Our gut which manufactures 90% of the seratonin in our body makes sure of that. Food is fuel, fun, pleasure, reward, punishment, security, celebration, drug. So. Much. Stuff.

I also think that morale seldom improves with beatings. You just have to accept a choice, catalog it, determine whether it helped or harmed, then decide what you want to do with the next best choice. Then you shrug and move on. But you don't in my honest opinion, tell yourself that your aberrant behavior is ok. It just "is". Right? No judgement attached. And it certainly isn't a treat. Is it a treat to harm your body with a big wad of insulin? Is it a treat to alarm your pancreas by suddenly loading it with highly available sugar influx that has to be neutralized quickly? Is it a treat to alarm your brain into a binge response? I don't think so. It sounds like you don't either.

I read this a few days ago and have been ruminating on it ever since. You are right. I am loosening the reins and I wish I wasn't because I'm not at goal yet. I need to tighten it up but also acknowledge that so long as I am considerate of what I'm eating and accounting for it in my macros, it is simply a choice I'm making, and I need to continue to weigh it against the "consequences" of how it affects my body- both now and in the future.

[GradyCat 3,693]

I can certainly relate to this. I had a donut on national donut day earlier this week, was totally within my calorie goals, but I felt bad about it afterward.