Keeping secrets

[snowbird 2]

I'm not hesitant to tell people about my surgery for a couple of reasons. One, I have friends who could benefit from a lap band, and while I would never try to talk them into it, I feel that as my friends they should have the opportunity to know someone who has done it and can talk about the process. Secondly, I am a self-confirmed know-it-all and have a snarky little part of me that likes to tell people they don't know what they are talking about. I don't mind getting into discussions about the whole bariatric surgery/Mexican surgery thing.

I have had some people tell me I am not "big" enough for surgery too. I just take that as an intended compliment or a slightly nervous response because they don't know what to say, so they are trying say something nice. I could be wrong, but I would rather look at it that way than to take offense.

[fatmary 0]

My faith says "stay with him and let me (God) change him". I have a peace about that.

There is a burden lifted when we get to a place when you don't need a man in your life to be happy. It took me a lot of years, but I am there. My joy comes from somewhere else, with him or not.

But thanks for your kind words!!

[destiny79 0]

that's so awesome Mary you give me hope

[nomadem 1]

I was careful about who I told at first I wanted to keep it a secret bc I am so scared I will fail.

I got up the guts to tell my extended family after reading a post (here?) from someone who regretted not telling people bc she often got asked how she lost so much weight. She felt bad having to lie bc they were never told.

On that note I didnt tell my coworkers all they know is I had abdominal surgery

[BansterNYC 0]

I appreciate all the thoughts on this thread. However, most posters here are not saying HOW they kept it a secret. If you work from home, or are a stay-at-home-parent .... I guess it's much easier. But how did most of you keep it a secret? Pre-op and post-op diets? Recovery time? If you work, and were out for a few days or more... how did you cover that up? I work in New York City -- corporate office, and I have clients and teams to be accountable to on a daily basis. We all know each other so well in this office that I could not just use silence.

Sooo, I was banded 18 days ago. I lied and told everyone I had my appendix out. On the morning of surgery, I sent a blackberry email to my boss and told him I was at the hospital and needed surgery to remove my appendix. I faked aches in my abdomen the previous day and left the office two hours early. The scars and recovery time are virtually identical. I told him I would try to be at work on Monday, but that I would need to take it easy for at least a week. It was the best cover story!!! I did work on Monday, but just for a few hours since I was hopped up on painkillers. He told me to work from home on Tuesday, and by Wednesday I was back to normal. My mother-in-law (who is a nurse) visited 5 days after surgery and even she could not tell my scars were from a lap-band surgery and not an appendix removal.

The only people that know the truth are my wonderful and supportive hubby, and 2 trusted friends.

I did not want to lie. I am transparent in my life and don't hold secrets. This, however, I wanted to keep private for 3 reasons.

1. I am a low BMI, and few would think I "need" the surgery. I had over 10 doctors tell me I was a candidate so I knew medically it was the right decision for me.

2. I want to be known for my humor, love of life, and loyalty -- not for WLS. Like it or not -- most people tend to get labeled with that if it's made public.

3. If you tell, you can't take it back. Sometimes relationships drift and over the years people do not feel the same loyalty as they previously did. Essentially, you can't un-ring a bell.

Thoughts?

[ConnieC 0]

I was so excited at the prospect of having my surgery, thats all I yacked about until I had it, to any one who would listen to me. So pretty much everyone is sick of hearing about Connie's Lap-Band!! ha ha

I was suprised at a couple of my close family members who have been a little snide at times about my having it.

Oh well I did this for me as I was totally sick of being FAT, SICK, and Unattractive..............all my life!!

Tell everybody. Tell nobody. Tell a few bodies.........its your band!!

C/C

[want_so_bad 0]

i lied.

over the past couple years i have had several problems in the "female" department. so i just told my boss i had to have something of that nature taken care of again. he asked no more questions! i missed thursday and friday and was back to work monday. i did miss tuesday, due to overdoing things monday, but then i was back. i took it easy and noone questioned me. that is the same thing that i told family.

the few times people said anything about what i was eating, or more so, lack of eating, i just said i was on yet ANOTHER diet. i have tried so many so often, everyone just kinda rolled their eyes and went with it. no more questions.

over thanksgiving a cousin i hadnt seen in a long time mentioned that i looked good and what was i doing. i told her i was really watching what i ate. and i am, so i didnt lie.

people are so judgemental. why add that stressor to my already stressed out life? NO THANKS!

but i think its great when people can share and get support. i think everyone is just different and there is no right or wrong.

[thenume 2]

I lied too. My mother in-law cooked a huge meal the evening before surgery and was trying to get me to eat, when I said no thankyou she was shocked. I told her that I had already eaten and that I am on I diet. She asks me every so often how the diet is going. I always want to LOL. I see her about once a week and she tells me that I am looking good. Lucky or unlucky ( I can't decide) I am losing slowly so the change is not too drastic in a short period of time.

I just told my husband, mother and sister the truth and it was hard for me to tell my sis (she has a small frame) and mom(she's average). They are very supportive, but I notice how my mom looks on my plate to see how much I eat when we are all out together. Sometimes I chuckle at that too. My husband is very supportive and tells me that I am losing weight (which I love to hear!). I've wandered of the topic...but my solution is tell who YOU want to tell and find a sutible lie errr..I mean excuse.....for the others!

[Mellis 0]

I'm not talking about being deceptive about what I'm having done--I'm just simply not telling many people. Hubby and sons of course--i told my brother because I was asking him questions about his RNY he had several years ago(he thought I was asking for my son(who is big also). Other than that, I believe I have only told about 5 people max. I'm having it done the week between Christmas and New years. That is my slow time at work(I own a quilt shop), so I just plan on being closed that week

I don't plan on lieing about it when I start losing the weight--when they ask, I will determine whether I want to tell them HOW I am doing it--or just say Thank you. I am in 2 different organizations where I see some people on a weekly basis--others month-6 month, etc.

Mary

[thenume 2]

JarvisJ,

How about telling your In-laws you have to go on a business trip (that the line I used and I swore my huband to secretcy); or you and your husband are just spending time together. I took personal days from work. Luckily for me my boss respects the PERSONAL in the words personal days, so she didn't ask. It's sad that we have to lie because of the negative reactions that we feel we may get from people.

[jbrad71629 2]

Hi all!

I just got my band a week and a half ago but before I got it I told everyone I could find that I was having it done, this was my way of making sure that I didn't let myself not succeed this time. I had alot of people tell me I was not big enough, 5'9" 271# is a lot of woman no matter what they try to say so I ignored them. The result of my telling everyone I could find is that 4 people from my office are going to be banded by my surgeon before the end of this year. One of my coworkers had hers done the same day i did so that is super motivational to get off my a** and move so that I don't fail. Th decision to tell people is definately and individual one but I have to say I have had somuch positive feedback that I would not trade it for anything. I have been told more times than I can count how great I am doing, that is so wonderful to hear when you have spent the last 8 years wishing you could just hide so noone would notice your fat butt. Take care and what ever you decide to do you can always come here to get some suport!

[cmeyer11 0]

I only told sa few selectg people, which feels comfortable for now. If I change my mind as I go alaong, so bet it. For now, this feels right.

[Wendell Edwards 73]

Does anyone but me want to keep getting the band a secret? I am scheduled for 12/28 and just don't want to tell very many people. Is it a fear of failing "again" or just not wanting to go through "the discussion"? AND of the few people I am telling--even few of them know that I am going to Mexico to have it done--absolutely because I don't want THAT discussion!! My husband told his father and my f-i-l's remark was"I rather just be fat than have surgery" But like I told hubby--that's because he has no clue--but then most people don't!

so--back to the question--do you tell people ahead of time--or wait till they notice

Mary

"Should I tell my family and friends?"

It's up to you. in an ideal world, everyone would love you and support your decision to have life-saving surgery. But this is the REAL WORLD, where some people just can't keep themselves from making nasty, hurtful, ignorant and insensitive comments to people. If you don't want those comments, or are not strong enough to NOT CARE what other people think, DON'T TELL THEM!

[WOWOX7 0]

Hello,

I will be banded in Jan and have chosen to keep my surgery low key. I of course have discussed it with my bf, he went to the seminar with me. I told my Mom and then I wrote a letter to my three brothers explaining what I was going to do, how much I had researched it. My family knows how I have struggled all my life with weight, they have seen the many diets, the many regains. They have all been positive and want to help me in any way they can. I requested that they not tell anyone else until i feel more comfortable with it. At work I have told my boss, only because of the time off, and the fmla paperwork. I again asked her not to mention it to anyone else. I work nights, pretty much by myself, so I will not have all the people watching and wondering about my eating. I know at some point I will feel more comfortable talking about it.But right now, I want it low key. I am just ready to have it done.

[gretchens4 0]

I was banded on 2/23/07 and my husband is the only person I ever told. I did tell people (because I have 4 kids and needed help for the first week) that I was getting a hiatal hernia repaired (which was true). At least for me the weight loss was so gradual that by the time people really started to notice it was the summer so there was no connection. I did not (and still don't) feel that it's anyone's business. I don't want any opinions etc. Good luck to you and don't feel like you have to tell anyone unless you feel comfortable.

Gretchen

2/23/07

-69 pounds