help with husband

[mom2denise 0]

:help:I want to have surgery, but my other half it totally against it. He says to try to loose it the way I gained, slowly w/exercise. Although he sees me diet, exerciese & fail for the last 15yrs, he still says no. He says he would rather have me the way I am than have surgery & complications. He says we are fine, which I disagree with. We have not had an intimate relationship for years. We very seldom go anywhere together & I think it is because of my weight. He would argue & say that has nothing to do with it. I want the surgery so I can keep up with him & our 7yr old. My dad died at the age of 54, I don't want that to be me. I tried to talk him into coming to the dr w/me, but he won't. What do I do now?

[Sunrise 0]

hey there!!! I understand what you are saying. My husband told me he liked me the way I am and that I'm not THAT big. Well, I'm solid so my weight is spread evenly. But still health issues: sleep apena, high blood pressure, II diabetes, PCOS, and my BMI is 41.8.

My advise: Really take a moment to think about him body,mind and soul. It may be that he has HIS own insecurities. Complications with or without surgery is NOT the true reason. My husband is truly scared I will lose weight and lose my mind--possiblily hit the club and find new love. He just won't say that. So, there's other underlying reasons believe me. Band is more safer...do what's best for you. Like you, my grandmother died at 54 and I just buried my aunt at 51 on Aug 10th.

[daranne 0]

I have just started on my journey through LBS. My husband married me when I was already heavy, and truly only wants me to be healthy. When I decided to look at LBS, he told me that he would support me and nag me relentlessly (he's got a knack for that) to do what the doctor told me to do. He's doing this despite his fears; the other night he asked me very poignantly if I'd love him when I was thin. So maybe your husband really fears that you will leave him if you have the surgery. From your post I gather that you and your husband have a serious communication gap, and I suspect that it has nothing to do with your weight. Keep talking to him, and tell him that ultimately LBS isn't about him, it's about you and your health. What, you're going to go platinum blonde and buy a red convertible to go cruising for beefcake? You're doing this for your health and for your son. Stick to your guns.

[mom2denise 0]

there is no communication gap, we have talked about it several times. i had a surgery a few years ago & had complications that were very rare. I was fine, but required a 2nd surgery. I was down for almost 4 mos. He was scared, he doesn't want to loose me & have to be alone to raise our daughter. I understand that, but am trying to explain to him, that if i don't loose this weight, it's gonna happen either way.

I have asked him if he's afraid of me leaving him when I'm thin, he says know, but he's a guy &you know how jealous they can get.

[Daisalana 33]

Maybe make a pamphlet of information on complications of the obesity problems you already have. Show him how it's only going to get worse with age, and it's going to be harder to lose weight. Explain you want this for ALL of you. You want to be a good active mother, and a wife that can do things with her husband. If it was 'that easy', you'd have done it already.

My DH supported me because at only 23, my body was feeling like 80.. and I wanted to be young! That being said, he did make comments when I asked him how he felt about all this, that he thinks I could do it on my own. Being overweight since birth, I disagree.. but it's hard until they walk in your shoes.

[whosthatgirl 0]

In the beginning my hubby was against it, and then one day I looked at him and said, "you are either with me or against me, but I am having this surgery regardless". He got on board.

[Lucy 0]

The idea of WLS can seem drastic to anyone who doesn't need it. Sometimes it just takes others a little time to get used to the idea. As much as you need and want your husband to support you in this, at the end of the day this is your body and you need to do what you know is best for yourself. I think LauraJ makes a good point, try to express your concern over health issues to him and let him know how much you want and need his support. But when it all comes down, if you know that this is the best thing you can do for yourself, then you need to do it. Good luck.

[DonHoll1 0]

That is a tough one. I would just keep talking to him about it. Donna

[janice m r 0]

do you still kiss, hold hands, show each other affection in other ways or even still love each other, i dont think i could stay married or in a relationship if none of this were there, i would ask him if he trully loved you and he would want to see you healthy and happy and sexy and slim. its a hard one to call ,but i wish you all the luck in the world and hope you can resolve your problem.

[snowbird 2]

The health dangers to you if you remain obese are far greater than those you might have from lap band surgery. Of course, those increased dangers might be years away, while you may have problems with the surgery immediately. Lap band isn't major surgery when compared with other types of bariatric surgery, but you can have difficulties with it.

I had my surgery at age 53 and wish I could have had it when I was your age. However, no one can decide if this is the right path for you except you yourself. I was "lucky" because my husband had the same weight problems as I did, so we had our LBS together. But I did this for myself, and not for him. If you decide to have the surgery, do it for yourself and not for him; if you decide it isn't for you, again, make the decision based on your own health and your own feelings, not his. He will have to go along for the ride whichever way you go!

[McQty 0]

:help:I want to have surgery, but my other half it totally against it. He says to try to loose it the way I gained, slowly w/exercise. Although he sees me diet, exerciese & fail for the last 15yrs, he still says no. He says he would rather have me the way I am than have surgery & complications. He says we are fine, which I disagree with. We have not had an intimate relationship for years. We very seldom go anywhere together & I think it is because of my weight. He would argue & say that has nothing to do with it. I want the surgery so I can keep up with him & our 7yr old. My dad died at the age of 54, I don't want that to be me. I tried to talk him into coming to the dr w/me, but he won't. What do I do now?

I totally agree with some of the other comments people have made. When I first looked at LBS options, my husband was not so keen on the idea, he actually told me one day that I was going to lose alot of weight and then leave him. I was somewhat insulted by that accusation. I told him flat out, that I was NOT with him because I settled and because I couldn't do better and that weight loss wouldnt have changed that. Well he is now my ex-husband.. not for that reason, but I do think men get worried that we will leave them.

I agree that there is a communication gap there with you and your hubby. You might want to list out some of the health risks that you might incounter or already have encountered and show him how that road is much more dangerous and might not allow you to stay with him and your child for a long road ahead... with the LBS you have a better chance of becoming happier, healthier for yourself and for your family.

You might want to ask him what exactly his fears are, and then address them. Let him know that if he is scared of the possible complications then he should attend a seminar or dr visit with you. He has to be willing to compromise as well.

You ultimately have to do what is best for yourself or you won't be able to do what's best for your family.

Just my .02 cents :scared:

[TEJAS-RATTLER 0]

Speaking as a man....I may not buy in on all the talking and asking for his blessings. Although he will be effected by your final choice to have the surgery. He may not like having to carry the load of family and chores during your recovery. He may not like the thought of you making a change in the family menu. He may feel you won't cook for him and the family if you can't eat i so much. He may not like the idea of your being a "babe" and how he thinks that may effect you and your daily life as wife and mom. He maybe afraid of complications......HE MAYBE AFRAID OF LOTS OF THINGS. BUT HE SHOULD BE MOST AFRAID OF LOSING YOU TO AN EARLY DEATH. Bottomline if he really ,really loves you , he will want you to to be there on his daily walk of life. Best of Luck to ya'll.

[green 6]

It is your life, not his, and if you are seriously overweight, unhappy, and medically at risk, then you must do what you have got to do. He learn to must deal with your decision to take control over your body and to end your own suffering. If he is a decent and loving man he will come around to acknowledging that you are right. And if he doesn't, well, that is his problem, isn't it? Do you want to make it your problem?

[Marimaru 7]

:help:I want to have surgery, but my other half it totally against it. He says to try to loose it the way I gained, slowly w/exercise. Although he sees me diet, exerciese & fail for the last 15yrs, he still says no. He says he would rather have me the way I am than have surgery & complications. He says we are fine, which I disagree with. We have not had an intimate relationship for years. We very seldom go anywhere together & I think it is because of my weight. He would argue & say that has nothing to do with it. I want the surgery so I can keep up with him & our 7yr old. My dad died at the age of 54, I don't want that to be me. I tried to talk him into coming to the dr w/me, but he won't. What do I do now?

First of all, while I think you should discuss it with him, I don't think you need his 'permission'. If you have to, you CAN find a way to do this for yourself, by yourself.

Secondly, if you haven't had an intimate relationship for years, it sounds like he rather expects you to hang around no matter what, which isn't good either. I mean, yes, you should mean it when you say "for better or for worse" but that doesn't mean that you'll put up with being ignored either. If you don't agree that your relationship is "fine" I think you need to address that with him. Just my opinion on that matter..

[BlooEyez 13]

My husband was against it but I went ahead and did it anyway. It's my body, my health and he had no say in the matter. His reasons for not wanting me to have the surgery stemmed from his own insecurities. He was (and still is) so afraid that as soon as I lose weight, I'm going to leave him.

Because I chose to proceed with my surgery despite his objections, it caused ALOT of tension in the house ... he didn't speak to me (and slept on the couch) for a couple weeks leading up to my surgery, and an entire month afterwards! He has since accepted it and now supports me in my journey.

You do what you need to do for YOU ... don't let anyone stand in your way.