Scared to Get Skinny (My Surgery Story)

[steph_co 9]

Okay...haven't had Vicodin yet, this morning, so I'm a bit more on the conscious side. Surgery was scheduled for 9:15am yesterday.

The night before I was having the most terrible anxiety. Not about the procedure itself - more about the permanence of this procedure to my body. Every other diet/exercise plan I could quit. This isn't something I feel I can quit and I think that scared me. I know I sound like a major commitmentphobe, but I'm seriously not. I'm very happily married for 4 years, together with him for 5, so it doesn't touch other areas of my life.

Sitting there talking to DH, I figured out that I'm scared to get skinny. :cool: I built up this wall of fat to protect myself. It made A LOT of sense as to why I couldn't succeed in the past in losing weight. Because when I was fat, I felt okay being rejected by people because I could blame it on the fat. Now once I get skinny and I get rejected, I have to come to terms that it's because of something else. Yes - I plan to go get counseling. I already told myself that was a pre-requisite for me before I told myself for sure I could get banded. I just couldn't believe I was THAT controlled by my weight. It really did surprise me. Another thing I was reading in the binder given to me by my surgeon's office was that some people are afraid to lose their fat because they're afraid they'll lose their identity even if "fat" was not the identity they really wanted, anyway. So, yeah. I know when this obsession with food started and it was right after one of the biggest rejections of my life (at 8 years old). So I get to nip this in the bud so that I can move on and LIVE life.

Excuse the long psych session. Onto my surgery story. I was scheduled for 9:15, but they wheeled me in at 9: 47. I remember switching over to the operating table, getting my arms stretched out on those boards, then the anesthesiologist saying he was giving me a sedative and clunk - I was out. LOL He told me as he gave it to me that it would feel like I had had a margarita. I told him, "I don't know - I'm a lightweight!" He kind of chuckled like he didn't believe me and that's seriously the last thing I remember. haha

DH said the doc called him about 10:30 to let him know I was out and in recovery and that they'd let him in as soon as I woke up. They figured it would be about half an hour. He didn't mention a hernia to my DH, he just told him that I had behaved well and so did they. LOL I was soooo groggy. I'm not sure what time I woke up, but it was really hard to rouse myself. I told the nurse I had to pee and she laughed and said I'd have to wait a couple minutes (she could tell I was still weak from the drugs AND I was just in my gown). So eventually she wheeled me over to the bathroom because I kept saying I needed to pee.

Oh, almost forgot - before that, I woke up moaning in TERRIBLE pain. I don't want to scare anybody - I just want you to be aware (and at least I forgot it until now - so it wasn't traumatizing...LOL). I was moving my head back and forth and moaning. So they gave me a bunch of morphine and when that didn't work, they gave me a bunch of fentanel (sp?). It finally started to kick in, even though I still ached. She helped me get dressed and wheeled my bed to the bathroom. I walked in there, took care of business and then came out and she told me to walk over to this recliner. I walked over there all by myself - she seemed impressed. Finally they called my DH in. I was soooo happy to see him because I had kept asking for him. I think they wanted to wait until I was no longer moaning. LOL Didn't want to scare the guy. That was about 11:30.

They had me sit there for a bit to make sure my pain was under control. It was STILL hurting, so she broke a Vicodin in half and had me swallow those. OMG - that was AWFUL. It felt like I swallowed a razor blade when it got to my pouch. So then I was moaning from that. She had me swallow some Water to get it to dissolve quicker. She told me I might have to chew the Vicodin whenever I take it. I have opted, instead, to crushing them and putting them in watery applesauce or watery pudding with a couple scoops of Splenda to try and offset the taste. Ick.

We finally got out of there at about 2pm and made the 3-hour drive home. Of course, stopping every hour so that we could get out and walk around. But I made it through and feeling pretty good. I'll add more to the recovery stories thread.

[sunshiny 0]

Hi Stephanie and congratulations. We are surgery date sisters. I am glad that everything went well for you. I can relate to what you are talking about in regards to losing the fat protection. I know I have used mine to keep people at a distance. As part of the approval for surgery I had to receive counselling and will continue to do so because it is what I need.

I'm a little scared about the new life that awaits me but I am ready for all the happiness I know also awaits.

Good Luck to us all on our new journey in life.

[steph_co 9]

Sunshiny - I'm glad I'm not alone in this fear. I had serious thoughts of backing out, I was so scared. But I kept telling myself I HAD to do this - I didn't want to keep getting bigger. I want to be able to have babies and I want to be able to play with my step-children and then our own children when I have them.

I'm glad to hear that you started counseling before the surgery - I think I would have come to terms on some things sooner rather than the night before my surgery.

I hope things are going well for you, my sister. You'll be in my thoughts for a speedy recovery.

[Skinny_Jill 36]

Stephanie,

I can totally relate. I am single and haven't been on a date in years. When I was thin men paid more attention to me and I dated quite a bit. I am also scared about my new life when I am thin. Dating is scary and a therapist once told me I was hiding behind my fat. I knew that I was but I didn't realize how many areas of my life it affected. The dating thing is a big one. I really want to meet the right guy and get married but I hate the dating process. Rejection is part of it as well. There are many issues to resolve during this new phase of our life but it will only make life better so it is worth it.

[sunshiny 0]

Stephanie* My insurance required a lot of different phases to prepare me to be mentally and physical ready before approval for surgery. The counselling helped me so much to realize how I was using my fat to hold me back. The biggest inspiration to finally make a positive change in my life is that my husband and I want a baby. We tried to get pregnant and failed. And with honest discussions with my doctor I realized it is my weight that is keeping me from reaching that dream. It is kind of scary to start a new life, but even more exciting to know I am getting closer to fulfilling my dreams.

SkinnyJill* You only have a few more days before your surgery date. Good Luck to you.

[deyonbush 0]

omg.... that is my favorite quote.. and i can so relate to ur story... i'm being banded on nov 28th... i think i got used to being the fattest wife and fattest mom and fattest co worker.... i'm almost scared to fail because so many ppl are behind me i want to make them happy....but this is JUST FOR ME!!! I AM READY... i think.......

[steph_co 9]

Stephanie,

I can totally relate. I am single and haven't been on a date in years. When I was thin men paid more attention to me and I dated quite a bit. I am also scared about my new life when I am thin. Dating is scary and a therapist once told me I was hiding behind my fat. I knew that I was but I didn't realize how many areas of my life it affected. The dating thing is a big one. I really want to meet the right guy and get married but I hate the dating process. Rejection is part of it as well. There are many issues to resolve during this new phase of our life but it will only make life better so it is worth it.

You can so do this. I was 170 when I met my husband, but ballooned up to 200 when we got married (yes, I gained about 30 lbs in just over a year). He tells me that I have confidence even at times I think he's crazy. But I realized that I DO have a lot more confidence in myself than I did in high school and I WAS skinny in my senior year (Atkins). Oh, to be skinny AND have that confidence? Sha-bam! LOL Do the inside work first and guys will be noticing you long before you hit your "goal." I was not comfortable with my weight at 170 (head issues), but the way I was strutting around that place, I had all kinds of guys wanting to date me. LOL You can do this, Jill. I'm here with you every step of this journey! Best of luck with your surgery! Keep us updated on your progress.

Stephanie* My insurance required a lot of different phases to prepare me to be mentally and physical ready before approval for surgery. The counselling helped me so much to realize how I was using my fat to hold me back. The biggest inspiration to finally make a positive change in my life is that my husband and I want a baby. We tried to get pregnant and failed. And with honest discussions with my doctor I realized it is my weight that is keeping me from reaching that dream. It is kind of scary to start a new life, but even more exciting to know I am getting closer to fulfilling my dreams.

SkinnyJill* You only have a few more days before your surgery date. Good Luck to you.

That's part of why I decided on the permanent change of the band. DH and I used no birth control whatsoever and it took us 4 1/2 years to get pregnant and then I miscarried. My infertility is not medically explained, but I KNOW it has to do with my weight even if the docs were gun-shy to ever say that to my face (I'm surprised that not a single doctor just came out and said that I should lose weight). Here's to us getting skinny and then pregnant!!! We can do it! :whoo:

omg.... that is my favorite quote.. and i can so relate to ur story... i'm being banded on nov 28th... i think i got used to being the fattest wife and fattest mom and fattest co worker.... i'm almost scared to fail because so many ppl are behind me i want to make them happy....but this is JUST FOR ME!!! I AM READY... i think.......

:girl_hug: Hugs, Deyon. You can do this - and do it for YOU. YOU deserve this. Anybody else being happy for you is just icing on the cake. I'm here for you!

[sunshiny 0]

Stephanie, I look forward to us getting skinny together and quickly pregnant. Those are goals I cannot wait to achieve as soon as possible.

[coolcrystal 1]

Hi, I know what you are talking about. I was always pretty thin until about 8 years ago. I gained 100 pounds in a year. I got "happy" and went out to eat a lot with my boyfriend at the time. Then he dumped me because I got to 220 pounds. Then I went back down to 180.. and then back up to 240.. then down and up and so forth.

I met my husband at 240 and now I'm 285 and the weight never really bothered me until I got over 240. That's when it got painful and then I dislocated the ole kneecap from slipping on Water. All my weight came down on the dislocated knee and ripped tendons and stuff.. it was a long recovery..

ANYway... my point is, when I got fat, women were nicer to me. Suddenly the women at work didn't treat me like crap because I was a threat to them and the men didn't make me feel like a worthless piece of meat. Everywhere I went men were always hitting on me when I was a size 4.. everything I said got turned into a sexual innuendo! "I'm sick in bed today".. their reply, "Oooh, I wish I could be in bed with you", even pumping gas minding my own business some guy would be right there and make vulgar remarks... So, I gained lots of weight and I didn't have to get sexually harassed every second of the day and I finally got some female friends. So, my fat became my safety net.

If I was still at 240 I don't think I would get this lap band, but as I'm quickly heading to the 300's and with my bad knees and disc bulges, I just have to take drastic measures. And, I also want to have a baby too and with me at this weight, it's just not possible. I was preggers last year and had a miscarriage. My doc said that my weight probably had something to do with it. So, I don't want that to happen ever again.

Sorry this was so long..

[lindata 1]

Hey Steph, I know what you mean about hiding behind your fat. I just don't know the reason why I'm doing it. I was feeling the same way about this band, it's permanent, I can't binge again!! aaaah, what have I done!!! I just knew I was going to eat my way into an early grave if I didn't. I gained about 100 pounds in 1.5 years after I got married. I was just so darn comfortable around my husband I honestly didn't think it mattered how fat I got. That got old around year 2. Then I tried to lose, gained, losed, for the next ten years. I think the reason I'm fat has evolved over those ten years, but I have no idea why it's so hard for me now. I'm scared to go to counselling. I'm scared to get someone who really couldn't care less or who doesn't understand. How do you find someone you can trust to tell everything to?

[steph_co 9]

Hey Steph, I know what you mean about hiding behind your fat. I just don't know the reason why I'm doing it. I was feeling the same way about this band, it's permanent, I can't binge again!! aaaah, what have I done!!! I just knew I was going to eat my way into an early grave if I didn't. I gained about 100 pounds in 1.5 years after I got married. I was just so darn comfortable around my husband I honestly didn't think it mattered how fat I got. That got old around year 2. Then I tried to lose, gained, losed, for the next ten years. I think the reason I'm fat has evolved over those ten years, but I have no idea why it's so hard for me now. I'm scared to go to counselling. I'm scared to get someone who really couldn't care less or who doesn't understand. How do you find someone you can trust to tell everything to?

LOL! That SO crossed my mind! haha

Basically you'll have to give a "job interview" to whomever you go to. Go with a list of questions. As to if they've ever dealt with somebody that has had bariatric surgery, or simply if they've dealt with somebody with compulsive eating disorder. Any other issues you may want to bring up. You ARE interviewing them in order to possibly "employ" them. Did your surgeon have an in-house social worker or psychologist? If so, they could also give you more questions to ask. If you don't like a particular person, then don't "hire" them. You deserve to be happy with this person, in particular.