Trust (potentially) Broken

[LBwPCOS 14]

So i recently under went WLS where i only told a hand full of people who have been friends for a while, and in the same friendship group. (plus my parents)

I have a feeling that one of them is getting jealous of what's happening with changes.

She saying that I'm looking great now and that i should stop (4 weeks out and 13kg lost not even close to GW (where the doctors want me is still 5kg more than where i want to be)) and I am beyond worried that she will tell someone as she said tonight on snapchat 'oh i don't know why you're keeping it hidden it is bound to come out' to which i asked how would it come out and there was no reply.

She has mentioned before about how this is a short cut or that i have an advantage to being able to lose weight etc but at the same time i know that she is one to try the diets for a short period of time then stop - we were very alike with that sort of things and love for food but i was also more active than her and especially leading up to the banding.

just also a few things here and there

What would be the best way to deal with this - if there is any way i can deal with this

If anyone has experienced this? also with people finding out how that was??

Greatly appreciated.

[DeeberLee 300]

Hello, I had a similar situation at the job with co-workers, which I posted about. I received some helpful responses. Only my immediate family knows about my WLS, as I feel this is a personal issue. Unfortunately there is always going to be someome who thinks you took the "easy" way out. I did what I had to do for myself . I'm sure you're doing what you need to do for yourself also.

[LBwPCOS 14]

5 minutes ago, DeeberLee said:

Hello, I had a similar situation at the job with co-workers, which I posted about. I received some helpful responses. Only my immediate family knows about my WLS, as I feel this is a personal issue. Unfortunately there is always going to be someome who thinks you took the "easy" way out. I did what I had to do for myself . I'm sure you're doing what you need to do for yourself also.

Thank you DeeberLee, just found the post and you're right that i did this for myself and for a better self too!!! Just how to deal with someone else finding out from said person. it would ruin the friendship etc but end of the day it is my choice and lifestyle and i will be looking great after it

Still not sure how to handle this friend if how she is feeling etc with the comments and reactions with/if others finding out

[Ed_NW 684]

I just don't discuss it with anybody outside of my house. It's really none of their business. If you have hemorrhoids, does everyone need to know that? No, just get it fixed and move on. Will they notice that you don't need to carry around a doughnut shaped pillow anymore? Maybe but that's what's fun about being a mysterious person. Keep em guessing.

[insta_adventurer 1,046]

“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.”—Lao Tzu

[FluffyChix 17,415]

So my sis is very competitive. And she is now heavier than me. Where I know she is proud of me...she is also a blabbermouth. And I think she told all her friends (who also know me) cuz the other night at her party, I caught them all looking at me and staring at me. Then looked away when they saw I caught them staring.

She was evasive when I asked her how many people she had told. (And she knows this is a confidential matter.)

Point being...I've struggled to forgive her and move on. I'm not the poster child for WLS and could give 2 Beans what these people think of me. Living well will be the best revenge. But I do feel like she is so insecure, that the only way she can justify me being smaller than her is to tell people, "Well of course, she had WLS. She would be smaller. Right?"

All we can do is live our life proudly and as privately as we allow. If we tell one person--then honestly, we have violated our own trust. And you just have to take that risk. No man (or woman) is an island. We all depend on mutual support systems. Forgive her. Her insecurities and pettiness are her own. You only get soiled when you roll in the mud with her.

[Orchids&Dragons 9,047]

2 minutes ago, FluffyChix said:

And I think she told all her friends (who also know me) cuz the other night at her party, I caught them all looking at me and staring at me. Then looked away when they saw I caught them staring.

But why wouldn't they stare? You've lost over 100 lbs.! If they already knew you, of course they're curious. I would be!

[rs 1,473]

As others have said, you had the surgery for you and not for anyone else. If this person is going to tell others about your surgery quite frankly there isn't much you can do to stop her. My thought would be to distance yourself from this person as much as you can. You don't need the negativity on top of what already is a challenging journey. Just my $0.02

[sideeye 1,440]

Honestly, I'd very flatly tell her "I've told a very small group of people, this is private information I shared with people I trust, knowing they would not share it with others. I'm asking you not to tell people, and if they ask you directly, tell them you don't know and they'll have to ask me." Give her a line in the sand (I'm not broadcasting and neither should you) and an out (this is exactly what to do if people ask you). Then drop it.

This isn't foolproof. She still might tell, and quite frankly she might already have told if she's hinting that "people will know" and she's trying to get out ahead of you hearing about it. But this at least puts all your cards on the table, avoids any question of her being jealous, and frames it entirely as it being your information, your responsibility to share, and your placing of trust in her NOT to tell.

Either way, prepare yourself that the information's already been shared and get ready to roll with it. The important thing is that you made a life decision for yourself and you're benefiting from those changes - what people opine about your decisions is about as important as how they feel about your new car or the shade you painted your front room. This impacts them... how? Not? Oh, not, it does not impact them at all, so big whoop about their opinions.

[rs 1,473]

Oh I like what @sideeye said. Do that.

[LBwPCOS 14]

3 hours ago, sideeye said:

Honestly, I'd very flatly tell her "I've told a very small group of people, this is private information I shared with people I trust, knowing they would not share it with others. I'm asking you not to tell people, and if they ask you directly, tell them you don't know and they'll have to ask me." Give her a line in the sand (I'm not broadcasting and neither should you) and an out (this is exactly what to do if people ask you). Then drop it.

This isn't foolproof. She still might tell, and quite frankly she might already have told if she's hinting that "people will know" and she's trying to get out ahead of you hearing about it. But this at least puts all your cards on the table, avoids any question of her being jealous, and frames it entirely as it being your information, your responsibility to share, and your placing of trust in her NOT to tell.

Either way, prepare yourself that the information's already been shared and get ready to roll with it. The important thing is that you made a life decision for yourself and you're benefiting from those changes - what people opine about your decisions is about as important as how they feel about your new car or the shade you painted your front room. This impacts them... how? Not? Oh, not, it does not impact them at all, so big whoop about their opinions.

Thank you!!

I know i did it for myself and my reasons of health etc. The ways you said to put it tho are perfect and seeing her Thursday so it will be perfect to use those lines!!!

Defs feeling that if thats the case i was the friend that made her feel better about herself sort of thing - am also jumping the gun but just the few things said have me in self doubt because it isn't anyones story to tell haha

[rs 1,473]

@LBwPCOS keep us posted

[rs 1,473]

[Orchids&Dragons 9,047]

18 hours ago, sideeye said:

Honestly, I'd very flatly tell her "I've told a very small group of people, this is private information I shared with people I trust, knowing they would not share it with others. I'm asking you not to tell people, and if they ask you directly, tell them you don't know and they'll have to ask me." Give her a line in the sand (I'm not broadcasting and neither should you) and an out (this is exactly what to do if people ask you). Then drop it.

I think supplying an answer for people who ask is brilliant. Plenty of us struggle to handle invasive questions. Our friends may not have even considered how to deflect awkward questions and when you get caught without a plan, sometimes you screw up.

[GreenTealael 25,336]

If she breaks your trust, proudly own the truth and cut her off