Has anyone kept their surgery a secret?

[darcyjae 106]

Everyone is different. I told everyone in my life about it, even my clients. And just about every waiter in Boston knows due to my apologies when I leave a plate full of food. :D

I’m a pretty open person, generally but I haven’t had any bad fallout from being candid. On the contrary I think it’s provided me with a better support system. I don’t worry about being judged because I don’t feel one bit self-conscious about the decision.

I also think it’s important for others to have role models in the process (as I did) and not set an implicit expectation for other people struggling with their weight that this journey can be as successful with dieting and exercise alone. Letting people think I did this through sheer virtuous willpower seems just a bit unfair to me. Though I respect that for others the situation is different.

[JessLess 1,163]

28 minutes ago, darcyjae said:

Everyone is different. I told everyone in my life about it, even my clients. And just about every waiter in Boston knows due to my apologies when I leave a plate full of food.

OMG, we are the same person. I'm always like, "It was GREAT! Can I take it home?"

[Krimsonbutterflies 661]

Amazing kind ladies, both of you. My Aunt was so annoyed that my cousin ordered from the kid's menu. She feels that she shouldn't be allowed to order from the kid's menu. 😔😞😟

[RobertaMSN 60]

Great question - am learning a lot reading the varied responses. I've told my super supportive, loving sister and one cousin but no other family members since they are not really a part of my life and never ask how I am. Six months ago I moved to a new area within a small, close-knit neighborhood. I decided to let it be known about my surgery because:

1) Two neighbors recently had cancer, one died and the other is in remission - they both suddenly began losing a lot of weight due to the illness so I didn't want to worry anyone. A couple of them have become close and truly seem concerned about my welfare as I am theirs - I didn't think it fair to tell them but swear them to secrecy.

2) I didn't want to lie when they asked how I was losing weight. I'd feel bad about doing so, saying it was only a change in diet, etc. when so many need help with weight loss and struggle as I have. Plus I've read that the guilt from lying can cause patients to sabotage their own success.

However, if I was still working I would have kept it a secret from coworkers - one of the reasons I left the workforce early was all the malicious gossip and backstabbing in every place I ever worked. No way would I give them that ammunition.

And 3) It was a test to see which of my new neighbors were not people I wanted to allow into my life (other than living close by.) Fortunately they all became super supportive once I explained my health issues due to excessive weight and told them I won't allow negativity. Some of the kindest ones meant well by saying, "Oh, you don't need to lose weight, you look great" while I was at 240 lbs! I straightened them out right away and think they were trying to be kind and to be liked for being nice.

It's interesting that fat shaming is terrible, but those who do the opposite and enable those of us who have serious weight problems by telling us we look great and don't need to lose weight are perhaps worse in the long run. Kindly put honesty is better from the appropriate close people in our lives.

Edited December 31, 2019 by RobertaMSN

[sideeye 1,440]

6 hours ago, RobertaMSN said:

It's interesting that fat shaming is terrible, but those who do the opposite and enable those of us who have serious weight problems by telling us we look great and don't need to lose weight are perhaps worse in the long run.

It all depends on intent. Being accepted for who you are is important, and without this surgery I would still be an obese person. It’s not like extreme fatness was a choice, which is something fundamental thin people don’t understand. People telling me that they were worried about my weight sometimes meant it kindly, but it had absolutely no value to me, it was just another way of saying “this thing that plagues you daily, makes you a social outcast and literally impacts your health? The thing you have been trying to change for decades and can’t? Well, since I’ve decided that’s not weighing you down enough, I just want you to know how it impacts ME”. I had enough to worry about without shouldering that burden too. Does anyone truly think we don’t KNOW we need to lose weight, that we would be healthier and happier?

I always took the “you look great” in context, as in “you look like a great version of you”. Not as in “compared to Cindy Crawford”. The people who say we don’t need to lose weight, I tend to look deeper there too - is it because they’re also overweight? Is it because they know every other message in this world is telling me I’m not good enough? Do they want me to just have a mental day off from the constant monitoring?

There were people in my life who were positive weight loss influences, but they came as supporters, not critics or anxious onlookers. My brother in law constantly invited me on bike excursions, and I suspect when I accepted he picked a smoother road and shorter distance. He always made the invite casual, and always knew when to drop the subject. My sister, a cooking magazine maniac, bought Cooking Light for her own family use but constantly involved me in test-cooking new recipes when I was over, and sent me home with low-cal leftovers. I’ve described before that my mother had a wholesale reformation a decade ago when, reading a book about parenting for work, she realized that the entire eating disorder section listed all the things she’d imposed on me as a teenager under the “don’t do this” list. She called me and apologized, and she’s been incredibly supportive ever since.

Having one person tell you that you’re okay just the way you are hardly cancels out the messaging the rest of the world sends you that you are not. And if it weren’t for this surgery, I can’t stress enough: I would still be obese. It’s not like it’s one of many options that would work with enough effort - it’s THE solution that is most empirically proven to work in the long term. The presence of more people in my life “kindly” informing me that I’m fat and should do something about it would have had no impact at all, other than more yo-yo dieting.

...if in the other hand you’re talking about enablers who seem to want you to STOP losing weight and angling to keep you obese through flattery, then yeah, that’s effed up. Might be health concern (rapid weight loss having powerful subconscious connections to deadly illness), might be jealousy, might just be someone unconsciously wanting a reliable thing in their life to stay stable. But I’d still put them on a different level than fat-shamers.

[Flo-grown 194]

This has been widely discussed on this site, and you'll find that people have strong opinions for either keeping it a secret or telling all. I personally have kept my surgery private. Only my husband and children know. I don't feel obligated to tell anyone my personal medical history. I wouldn't expect someone to tell me they had a vasectomy. It's none of my business. I've changed my eating habits, so I tell them what my diet consists of but leave it at that. Too many people want to criticize another person for his/her life decisions, and I don't have time for that. I'm focusing on being positive and healthy and don't need the drama, especially at work.

I agree with you 100%.

5'4"
Starting weight 297
VSG on 7/31/19
Surgery wt: 266
CW 212
GW 135

Sent from my [samsung Galaxy] using BariatricPal mobile app

[SabrinaGoddess 101]

Yep! After my lapband failed in 2012 people told me how they really felt! I found out many who I thought were supportive were not at all. So when I decided to get sleeved (Dec 9, 2019) I only let a hand full of family know!

[CubaRican73 33]

Only my husband, children and best friend know. I'm very private. Because my husband is dieting and we are eating very low carb, when folks ask, I attribute it to a change in diet.

I definitely have my husband, 2 sons, mother and sister know about it....I dnt think that this early on for me (12/13/19) everyone needs to know and I dnt wanna hear negative crap from people.

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[brooksbrittanyanne 6]

I’m keeping mine semi private. My boyfriend knows, and my office knows but that was easy since other people in the office had the surgery as well, but i haven’t told my family. I just don’t want to deal with the stupid “it’s taking the easy way out” comments i know i will get. I’m adopted, and my adoptive family are all naturally thin, so they just don’t get it. I might tell them at some point, but right now it’s my choice and I’m choosing not to say anything

[Silvernova 31]

On 12/31/2019 at 8:02 AM, darcyjae said:. And just about every waiter in Boston knows due to my apologies when I leave a plate full of food.

I plan on this being my strategy. Surgery is in a few days. I’ve chosen to stay private except for immediate family, but I don’t think I’ll have a problem telling a random waiter/waitress why I need a doggy bag. 😄

[ChubRub 1,702]

My husband is the only person who knows, and I plan on keeping it that way.

My mom is a gossip and has spilled the Beans on every secret I've ever shared with her, so obviously there is no trust there!

I've lost weight before, but have never kept it off, so people are used to seeing my weight go up and down. Only difference is that this time, I'm not gaining it all back! My husband is amazing, and we both like that this is our little secret!

[Krimsonbutterflies 661]

18 minutes ago, ChubRub said:

My husband is the only person who knows, and I plan on keeping it that way.

My mom is a gossip and has spilled the Beans on every secret I've ever shared with her, so obviously there is no trust there!

I've lost weight before, but have never kept it off, so people are used to seeing my weight go up and down. Only difference is that this time, I'm not gaining it all back! My husband is amazing, and we both like that this is our little secret!

This is the case with my dad, he runs his mouth like a faucet. I've sworn him to secrecy and by the end of the day my phone is ringing with more traffic than Grand Central Station. I miss my mom soooooo much, she was the best at keeping a true secret.

[RobertaMSN 60]

On 12/31/2019 at 3:19 PM, sideeye said:

...if in the other hand you’re talking about enablers who seem to want you to STOP losing weight and angling to keep you obese through flattery, then yeah, that’s effed up. Might be health concern (rapid weight loss having powerful subconscious connections to deadly illness), might be jealousy, might just be someone unconsciously wanting a reliable thing in their life to stay stable. But I’d still put them on a different level than fat-shamers.

This is what I was talking about plus those who want to be liked and considered nice so say you look fine when you're obese. So glad to see you have so many wonderful, supportive people around you! Note: This forum must stay positive and supportive of everyone's posts or I'm gone.

Edited January 2, 2020 by RobertaMSN

[lys 16]

My parents know, and that’s it. I will tell no one else. I’m extremely private. :)

[smahan 4]

I told my cousin (who is also overweight) that I was considering it because we've always sort of "been in it together". I didn't want to keep some thing like this from her. But I didn't tell her I was approved or had it done until the day after in the hospital. My husband knew of course and I told my parents a month or so before the surgery. I also told my children (13, 9 and 5) so that they would understand why I was going to the hospital again. They get scared because I had an issue with my heart before. But also so that they would hold me accountable afterwards and man do they! lol

I kept it a secret at work from mostly everyone. Only a few knew from the beginning. Then a week before my surgery they all knew. I didn't mind to tell them at that point because I knew it was really happening. I am weird about jinxing things or failing things.

I didn't tell the rest of my family until Thanksgiving day. They noticed how much smaller I already was and that I wasn't eating. I didn't tell them before because they can be extremely judgmental. But by that point I already had it done and I'm not ashamed of it so I told whoever asked.

Edited January 3, 2020 by smahan