Unsupportive Husband, Says I Gave Up

[Clementine Sky 708]

I'm sorry your husband isn't being supportive. It's a decision you have to make about your body, for the betterment of your life, but naturally you want your life partner to be at your side encouraging you rather than discouraging. My husband was initially opposed to the surgery, incredulous that I even wanted it. I looked on PubMed, which is a database of medical research, and found studies about bariatric surgery - its safety and efficacy, how those who had it were substantially more likely to keep their weight off, and ones specific to women with my own health issues (PCOS and hypothyroidism) having it. This was significant to having him change his mind because it wasn't just my words, my emotions, but facts before him.

I think you should pursue the surgery if you truly believe will better your life. I definitely count the surgery as being the best medical decision I ever made. It's transformed my life. I would continue to try to get your husband on board. The surgery is challenging physically and emotionally for the first month or two out. I had no complications and didn't have to follow a strict pre-op diet, so I had easier than many, but there were still struggles. I think while in that vulnerable state having to deal with any marital issues would have been really hard.

Some things that helped in my situation were -

- The money for the surgery did not come from our joint funds. I was self-pay to Mexico patient since my insurance wouldn't cover it, and so it was a lot more affordable and easier to take on the expenses without his contributions. I was the one who assured him of this.

- Planning. In our household, my husband and I divide up the chores / tasks pretty evenly. We both are young professionals who come home wanting to get the chores out of the way as fast as possible, and relax. By choice I do more things like laundry, vacuuming, grocery shopping, and he does the yard work and takes care of the cars getting washed. I didn't want him to have to do all of my tasks while I was recovering. I cleaned the house top to bottom prior to surgery, and arranged for house cleaners to come in once a week for the month following the surgery. I used a grocery delivery service, and made the point of getting things that he likes even though I couldn't eat them. There was little inconvenience for him.

- I understood that I was the one having surgery, and taking on the changes it required like the post-op diet. I never made him feel like he couldn't have whatever he wanted to eat for dinner, or keep foods that would be tempting to me out of the house. He was good about being considerate, but I think him knowing that he wasn't encumbered by my surgery helped him to not feel resentful of it.

Best wishes to you. I hope your husband gets on board, and you have the surgery and fantastic results from it. I have never for a second regretted my surgery. I'm three years out, have maintained my goal within a small fluctuation zone for two years, and feel more vibrant and healthy now than I did as a teen.

[KT1981 294]

This was me. I made the decision about a year and a half ago, and my husband was not supportive. The exact words were, "Don't you just need to try harder?". I'll never forget that crushing moment. I can tell you exactly what room we were in, where we were sitting, etc. But I did it anyway. I told him, "I'm doing this with or without your support". And I did. I attended appointments and seminars and made insurance phone calls without his support (and even without his knowledge most of the time).

This summer I met all requirements and told him that my information was being submitted to insurance and I would likely have surgery this year. What a change. He could see how serious I was and did a 180. He wanted to help plan for the pre-op diet, for surgery day, and post-op care. He asked questions, watched videos, and wanted to attend pre-op appointments with me.

The freaking day of surgery he admitted that he didn't want me to do this because HE was scared. He was scared of surgical intervention and the risks associated with it. He never believed it was a bad idea, and never believed I hadn't tried other options (we've been married nearly 13 years- he has seen me try!). He was just scared and wished there was another way, for my sake. But when it came down to it, he didn't want me to go through this alone, and he wants me to be healthy. (He is normal weight, always has been, and doesn't have health problems.)

He has since been incredibly supportive. His lack of support greatly affected our marriage. It made me feel alone and concerned me for whether or not we'd end up another post-bariatric surgery divorce statistic. But we're back on track to our healthy marriage.

Maybe try to hear him out a bit. Keep going through the process, but keep the line of communication open. Wishing you the best of luck!!

[Frustr8 7,886]

So do you feel in your ❤of ❤that You gave up or simply found a new better option for your future? I would lean toward the latter MYSELF.

[kfaery215 14]

My hubby says he's with me, but in the same breath he's telling me he doesn't like it and doesn't support me. Bypass scheduled for December 10th.

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