Single DUE to surgery

[Aiysha 44]

Hi Ash,
It is not atypical for partners to feel threatened by WLS, especially when they are overweight themselves. Concepts such as "Will she leave me if I stay overweight and she is thin?" "How will I feel when she gets attention from other men?" etc can certainly result in anxiety and negative treatment may be a means to controlling these outcomes. Unfortunately, this stems from low self-esteem, insecurity, immaturity, trust/respect issues.
There needs to be a sensitivity towards your partner as they are undergoing changes themselves. Reassurance is paramount. However, I will be brutally honest. You cannot promise what you do not know. Many people who undergo a major weight loss go through radical physical and psychological changes, in essence, they become new people. What you are envisioning as your future today, may indeed be nothing what you are envisioning.
The focus should be on the current moment. What is your goal, to lose weight I'm sure. What is supporting or sabotaging this effort? The focus needs to be on what you need to be successful. It already sounds like your inner voice is telling you that he is hindering your progress and/or your ability to enjoy your journey. Boundaries must be set and self-love needs to be your priority. You've come too far and sacrificed too much to fail.
On a side note, my ex husband and I were banded together in 2009. We divorced in 2017. Referring to paragraph 2, there was no way I could ever imagine the extent by which I would change. I lost 120 lbs and you bet it changed how I looked at myself. I not only had a higher esteem, I had a desire for all aspects of my life to be healthy. I am not claiming the divorce was solely based on weight loss or surgery. Rather, the weight loss experience was empowering and I wanted the best for myself. I had a new perspective on life and knew I could be happier. Fastforward to today, I am remarried to the most remarkable man alive and my life no longer feels imbalanced on any level.
I hope that you are able to communicate your feelings and needs with your partner and come to an understanding that support is needed and boundaries respected. If not, I wish you the strength to make the necessary decisions to make you happy and healthy [emoji4]

Well said

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[AEdoesRnY 531]

I don’t see my divorce as a result of my surgery. I see my surgery and, eight months out, my divorce as part of the same thing. I’d been doing a lot of reflection and self-exploration which led to the decision to have the surgery and to live my life the way I wanted without my weight holding me back. That same sense of self-exploration and wanting to live life for me on my terms is what led me to the really challenging decision to tell my husband I wanted a divorce. We are great friends, but not great partners. That was true both before and after the surgery.

[AEdoesRnY 531]

On 12/24/2018 at 22:14, Lucyelle said:

Thank you Frustr8-

i appreciate your kindness- I really loved him.. but I was just a target of his - the betrayal feels horrific and I am really mad at myself fir letting this happen to me.

Yes - it has been terrible. Today he sent me a letter with a check for 8,000 stating in the memo of the check “by cashing this check she agrees to not seek additional monies from me for any reason” . He also put that in the letter he sent . This is a game for him... I need the money and it is my money! I don’t want to “ waste it in lawyers fees “ but it is killing me that he is getting away with this - even worse - he knows I have surgery 12/26 and the letter arrived today .... Christmas Eve!! I am trying to be strong but it really really hurts. I miss the person I thought he was... looking back there were signs but just like the Dirty John series on Bravo - while it was happening I believed him, loved him, made excuses for him and let him destroy me mentally physically and financially- without even knowing it was happening

I hope your recovery and first few months post-op are going well! Sending you positive thoughts as you’re working through this frustrating and messy situation. I’m so in awe of your bravery in getting out when you did, I can’t imagine the complex emotions (and logistics) of disentangling yourself from such a situation.

[AEdoesRnY 531]

On 10/31/2018 at 08:26, AshMarie794 said:

Curious as to how many are here DUE to breakups/divorces due to their surgery process.

Very difficult now being with overweight partner who isn't on the same journey and doesn't understand.

Hope you are doing well and that whatever decision you made regarding fiancé is feeling good and right!

[deadmanwalking 178]

My wife supported my surgery in the beginning. As I lost weight and started getting more attention from everyone, not just ladies, she grew bitter and her insecurity became a problem after 20 years of marriage. We tried to make it work to no avail. Not divorced yet but it wont be long.

[Aiysha 44]

My wife supported my surgery in the beginning. As I lost weight and started getting more attention from everyone, not just ladies, she grew bitter and her insecurity became a problem after 20 years of marriage. We tried to make it work to no avail. Not divorced yet but it wont be long.

Sorry you going threw that, I'm going threw the same thing

Sent from my LGMP260 using BariatricPal mobile app

[deadmanwalking 178]

33 minutes ago, Aiysha said:

Sorry you going threw that, I'm going threw the same thing

Sent from my LGMP260 using BariatricPal mobile app

Sorry you are going through it too. Just know it get easier as time passes. It still Hurts a bit from time to time but that is to be expected...

[Mom_of_Chaos 545]

On 05/27/2019 at 10:34, oldbriannomore said:

My wife supported my surgery in the beginning. As I lost weight and started getting more attention from everyone, not just ladies, she grew bitter and her insecurity became a problem after 20 years of marriage. We tried to make it work to no avail. Not divorced yet but it wont be long.

I’m sorry that y’all are going through this. I hope that being sleeved together will help us not to go through a similar fate. I’m sure there will be jealousy at some points because it’s only natural to have those thoughts watching your spouse go through such a change but I hope that we can be open and talk about it and that we both take the the “new” attention from all the people who ignore us as we are now with a grain of salt.

[Veronica Garza 16]

He’s just jealous but you need to maybe say bye and move on you don’t need any negativity from him in your life

[Hop_Scotch 1,630]

An interesting read from The Guardian (UK) -Bariatric divorce: why extreme weight loss leads to break ups https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/jun/17/bariatric-divorce-why-extreme-weight-loss-leads-to-break-ups

[lzucks 232]

@Hop_Scotch excellent article! Thanks so much for sharing.

[NZR 21]

I asked this question on a men’s Facebook page for wls and was driven off the site from all the abuse I got. Glad there hasn’t been the same response here

[AshMarie794 164]

I have been A-Wall from here for a while but coming back I feel especially on this post I needed to update and get advice. I feel my partner is still very jealous of my progress due to comments made to me by male/female it does not matter. He is INSANLY jealous. And that only seems to getting worse. I try and push though and know I love him but its so hard at time. We have talked about working out together (weight training). But he is 6"2 300lbs and can def pull some weight. I am 5'7 155 and I DO NOT want to get big. Maybe tone up what I have and be more lean. Yes we can put together some routines but he does not listen to me about why I don't want to do some things and why I don't lift like him. why I don't stand a certain way. why I don't do this that and the other. Working out together yesterday at the gym all I could do was cry because he wouldn't listen to me. I don't know how to get through to him.....Def struggling to keep my cool. Stay motivated to stay at the gym. To stay in this relationship. I just don't know what to do.......

[Chiptress 327]

On 08/12/2019 at 08:04, AshMarie794 said:

I have been A-Wall from here for a while but coming back I feel especially on this post I needed to update and get advice. I feel my partner is still very jealous of my progress due to comments made to me by male/female it does not matter. He is INSANLY jealous. And that only seems to getting worse. I try and push though and know I love him but its so hard at time. We have talked about working out together (weight training). But he is 6"2 300lbs and can def pull some weight. I am 5'7 155 and I DO NOT want to get big. Maybe tone up what I have and be more lean. Yes we can put together some routines but he does not listen to me about why I don't want to do some things and why I don't lift like him. why I don't stand a certain way. why I don't do this that and the other. Working out together yesterday at the gym all I could do was cry because he wouldn't listen to me. I don't know how to get through to him.....Def struggling to keep my cool. Stay motivated to stay at the gym. To stay in this relationship. I just don't know what to do.......

Probably best not to work out together. He really sounds very controlling. “I don’t know how to get through to him”. Maybe you can’t get through to him. Maybe he isn’t up for you to “get through to him”. I started going to therapy as soon as I made the decision to have this surgery. I knew I wanted to reset my life & choose better for myself in every aspect. Physically, mentally, emotionally & spiritually . They say while doing this surgery that you also have to do the head work. To me that’s just as important as losing the weight. Best of luck

[summerset 5,265]

On 6/19/2019 at 11:04 AM, Hop_Scotch said:

An interesting read from The Guardian (UK) -Bariatric divorce: why extreme weight loss leads to break ups https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2019/jun/17/bariatric-divorce-why-extreme-weight-loss-leads-to-break-ups

Interesting read.

However, when I've read that only two months after surgery the relationships of these two guys ended... how much weight can you lose in two months? How much attention do these people get to make their partner feel threatened two months after surgery? How many new friends do you gain during this period?

It sounds a bit weird to me. It seems more like these relationships were on their last leg anyway and "surgery" was the scape goat that come along the way the right time.