Single DUE to surgery

[AshMarie794 164]

Curious as to how many are here DUE to breakups/divorces due to their surgery process.

Very difficult now being with overweight partner who isn't on the same journey and doesn't understand.

[GreenTealael 25,430]

1 hour ago, AshMarie794 said:

Curious as to how many are here DUE to breakups/divorces due to their surgery process.

Very difficult now being with overweight partner who isn't on the same journey and doesn't understand.

Great question!

But I'll tell you it may be a matter entirely of perception.

Healthy = thin vs Unhealthy= overweight

i just met someone who is naturally (and always will be) lean, that is not on the same healthy eating journey, doesn't have strict eating habits. It can be just as tough.

But I'm not sure every part of life needs to be shared with a partner. I certainly never expected my then partner to complete research with me during my college years, or travel extensively with me to places they had no interest in. Why focus on this to bind/bond us.

BUT

maybe that's why I'm single!?!?! LOL

Edited October 31, 2018 by GreenTealael

[Matt Z 4,139]

It's interesting to see, sad, but interesting to see how things pan out. Divorce surgery is accurate.

[AshMarie794 164]

Well 7 pm night before my surgery my fiancé pretty much told me to go F&&^% myself and I was selfish for doing it. And that I had to find a ride the next morning to surgery.

Fast forward to now that I am loosing and feeling GREAT. He doesn't get it and is so negative and controlling. I am finally seeing changes in myself and he pulls the rug out from underneath me and I am left feeling worse than before surgery.

And he is overweight and unhealthy. Doesn't care what he eats or drinks. HATES veggies. Eats out all the time. BUT yet he will go to the gym with me........ to control that situation I am sure.

Just UGH at the point and very stressed out. I hope I don't put myself in an plateau due to stress.

[AshMarie794 164]

27 minutes ago, Matt Z said:

It's interesting to see, sad, but interesting to see how things pan out. Divorce surgery is accurate.

I feel like unless you've had the surgery someone will never know that positive energized feeling you have. And in trying to explain anything only makes it worse.

[GreenTealael 25,430]

1 minute ago, AshMarie794 said:

Well 7 pm night before my surgery my fiancé pretty much told me to go F&&^% myself and I was selfish for doing it. And that I had to find a ride the next morning to surgery.

Fast forward to now that I am loosing and feeling GREAT. He doesn't get it and is so negative and controlling. I am finally seeing changes in myself and he pulls the rug out from underneath me and I am left feeling worse than before surgery.

And he is overweight and unhealthy. Doesn't care what he eats or drinks. HATES veggies. Eats out all the time. BUT yet he will go to the gym with me........ to control that situation I am sure.

Just UGH at the point and very stressed out. I hope I don't put myself in an plateau due to stress.

That sounds like a "character" problem more than health habits. He may be the same exact way at any weight or lifestyle.

[AshMarie794 164]

40 minutes ago, GreenTealael said:

That sounds like a "character" problem more than health habits. He may be the same exact way at any weight or lifestyle.

Agreed!

[GreenTealael 25,430]

17 minutes ago, AshMarie794 said:

Agreed!

You deserve the very best from every facet of life!

[AshMarie794 164]

13 minutes ago, GreenTealael said:

You deserve the very best from every facet of life!

I am trying but it is slowly getting worse. So I think not far down the road things will be changing.

[Lapband2009Stephanie 11]

Hi Ash,

It is not atypical for partners to feel threatened by WLS, especially when they are overweight themselves. Concepts such as "Will she leave me if I stay overweight and she is thin?" "How will I feel when she gets attention from other men?" etc can certainly result in anxiety and negative treatment may be a means to controlling these outcomes. Unfortunately, this stems from low self-esteem, insecurity, immaturity, trust/respect issues.

There needs to be a sensitivity towards your partner as they are undergoing changes themselves. Reassurance is paramount. However, I will be brutally honest. You cannot promise what you do not know. Many people who undergo a major weight loss go through radical physical and psychological changes, in essence, they become new people. What you are envisioning as your future today, may indeed be nothing what you are envisioning.

The focus should be on the current moment. What is your goal, to lose weight I'm sure. What is supporting or sabotaging this effort? The focus needs to be on what you need to be successful. It already sounds like your inner voice is telling you that he is hindering your progress and/or your ability to enjoy your journey. Boundaries must be set and self-love needs to be your priority. You've come too far and sacrificed too much to fail.

On a side note, my ex husband and I were banded together in 2009. We divorced in 2017. Referring to paragraph 2, there was no way I could ever imagine the extent by which I would change. I lost 120 lbs and you bet it changed how I looked at myself. I not only had a higher esteem, I had a desire for all aspects of my life to be healthy. I am not claiming the divorce was solely based on weight loss or surgery. Rather, the weight loss experience was empowering and I wanted the best for myself. I had a new perspective on life and knew I could be happier. Fastforward to today, I am remarried to the most remarkable man alive and my life no longer feels imbalanced on any level.

I hope that you are able to communicate your feelings and needs with your partner and come to an understanding that support is needed and boundaries respected. If not, I wish you the strength to make the necessary decisions to make you happy and healthy

[CrankyMagpie 509]

We hear about a lot of divorces/break ups after this surgery. A lot of partners aren't ready for the changes that come after WLS. (I still think my partner is in a little bit of denial about some of what will change as more of my weight comes off and I'm cleared to go to the gym and so on, honestly. I expect he'll be cool about it and roll with the changes, but I don't think he fully understands, yet?)

Sometimes people fix things with couples counseling, and if you're inclined to go that route, and he'll go along with it, awesome!

If not, it sounds like you haven't tied the knot yet? Maybe ... don't? I don't mean "break up with him today," necessarily, but perhaps pushing the date back would be a wake up call for him, that you aren't going to put up with bad behavior? (I don't know. You know him; I don't. It's just a thought.)

Anyway, I agree with the other posters here: you deserve better treatment than you're getting! I wish you the best of luck. ❤️

[MargoCL 677]

My BF supported me (or so I thought) up to surgery and even afterwards. It wasn't until a couple of weeks ago we had an argument that the truth came out that he never wanted me to have surgery. And as it turned out he was afraid of what the future would hold. Would I still want him like I do today; How would my feelings, attitude, etc change. He reminded me that with WLS it's not just our body that transforms but our entire demeanor.

It's sad that it took 2 months post surgery and almost a year in prepping to have the truth come out. But once we sat down and really talked about the surgery, my progress, our future it helped us move on as a couple. He now takes the time to ask how I'm doing with everything post surgery. I guess we had so much going on in our lives, that I didn't even notice he didn't ask me prior.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this situation, it sucks. My personal opinion is to take a day / weekend - go away (if you're still together) and spend some time talking about what has happened. Make sure you're both on the same page with your future plans too.

Wishing you the best....

[Lucyelle 16]

This happened to me as well ... I was in a long term relationship (5yrs) with an apparent narcissist- he stole my money, my self esteem and left me while I was going through presurg approvals.
He held my belongings hostage- still has my furniture some from my first marriage in his new apartment. My surg is 12/26 and I cannot focus on what he did - I filed a police report- he was violent when he left- but other than that I turned my focus toward not letting him derail me from this. Hoping for some empowerment and energy like you all have mentioned once I recover and begin to see progress .....then I can go after my $$ and possessions! I was completely blindsided btw. Turns out he wanted a nice place to live and then he wanted my $$. It was what I am now told “classic” behavior: idolize at the start... then they devalue you.... then they discard. It has been one of the most painful experiences of my life... turns out he has done it to other women before me.

[Frustr8 7,886]

OMG Lucyelle, I am so sorry such a nasty thing happened to a nice lady. You will still have this victory, the best revenge is to not let him ru8n your life in the future. I wish I could hug you and make it all better! You are stronger and will make a beau5iful life l8he a Phoenix out of the ashes. ai am proud to know YOU.❤😛

[Lucyelle 16]

Thank you Frustr8-

i appreciate your kindness- I really loved him.. but I was just a target of his - the betrayal feels horrific and I am really mad at myself fir letting this happen to me.

Yes - it has been terrible. Today he sent me a letter with a check for 8,000 stating in the memo of the check “by cashing this check she agrees to not seek additional monies from me for any reason” . He also put that in the letter he sent . This is a game for him... I need the money and it is my money! I don’t want to “ waste it in lawyers fees “ but it is killing me that he is getting away with this - even worse - he knows I have surgery 12/26 and the letter arrived today .... Christmas Eve!! I am trying to be strong but it really really hurts. I miss the person I thought he was... looking back there were signs but just like the Dirty John series on Bravo - while it was happening I believed him, loved him, made excuses for him and let him destroy me mentally physically and financially- without even knowing it was happening