Bad family experience :(

[michiganer 0]

I had a reall bad experience today with my brother. He does not know I am going for surgery but he suspects something. He lives in Michigan and Ilive in Florida. I was up there a few months ago for my annual summer trip and apparently he became worried about my health. He called my mom and reamed her out for not making me take care of myself. My mom was like 'she's an adult woman and I don't tell her what to do'. BTW, I am 26 and my brother is 28. I guess my mom said that I have a plan and he shouldn't worry about it. Then he pounded her to find out if it was surgery. She finally told him to ask me himself. He is very aggressive and he gets mad if he doesn't get answers he wants. Its really weird because all growing up, he never said anything about my weight. I have been overweight since puberty. My Dad on the other hand has been awful and always criticizes me about my weight. Well, my brother called me a few days ago but I was busy so we didn't talk. At least my mom warned me in advance. In the meantime, my surgery got scheduled for Dec 4th. I had planned a Michigan trip for Thanksgiving but cancelled because I want to be stress-free before surgery. I told my Dad that I have a new boss at work (true) that told everyone they cannot have any holiday vacations (not true). I told them I had to cancel because my job was at stake. It took some selling but he finally bought it. I know it sounds crazy but I have some major issues with my dad and I felt like taking the path of least resistance. I decided not to tell anyone except my mom and a few friends about surgery. The last thing I need is my family telling me how lazy I am and to 'just stop eating so much'. That is how my dad and brother can be.

Well, my dad must have told my brother that I cancelled the trip and he called me tonight. He wanted to know why I am giving them a 'bullshit reason' for not coming up. He basically is convinced I am having surgery although I know that no one has told him. We had it out big time. I basically told him that my story was true and even if it wasn't I don't owe anyone an explanation. He tried so hard to hurt me. He was so angry that I was 'cutting out my family' and that I lived a 'sheltered' life. I have no idea what he is talking about! He thinks that me and my mom are joined at the hip and that she is 'filling my head with bad things about dad' (my parents are divorced). He was really insulting. For the record, I moved out of my mom's house when I was 18, rented an apartment, have a full time job, and just got my bachelor's degree. My mom and I have a great relationship and we speak almost daily. According to my brother, that is an unhealthy relationship and I am sheltered. He knows nothing about me! My brother went to live with my dad when I was 12 years old. We have seen each other only when I take a trip up there. I told him that he barely sees me and to make these judgements about my life is insulting. There was definitely some cursing going on! I am not hurt by what my brother said, I am hurt that he tried to hurt me. Does that make sense? The worst (and best) thing he said to me was "I hope you don't think that you are going to surprise everyone by coming here skinny next year and thinking that dad and grandma are going to be so proud of you and happy for you, you won't get anything from me, I'll give you zero!". I told him that's a good thing because if I come back there skinny it is because I made a choice about MY life and I don't want anyone there to think that all of there negative comments about me drove me to do something. I will change my life for ME and not anyone else!!

He still had some more barbs to throw at me which ran the gamut from 'you only want to talk to dad when you want something' to 'dad has never said anything bad to you and what's wrong with a little criticism anyway'? Also just for the record, I told him that I have NEVER borrowed a dime from our dad or grandma and that HE is the one that has borrowed money. I have a $20000 student loan hanging over my head right now. I don't understand why all of the sudden, he is all over me. I don't know if he is truly worried about me or if he is jealous of me. He has always been pretty accepting of me but now he has brought all kinds of anger and hurtful things to the table. I don't know where to go from here. I want to have a good, loving relationship but he is, and has always been, emotionally unavailable.

If there was one good thing that has come of the conversation, it is that I am going to call my dad tomorrow and tell him how I feel. I have a lot of anger and hurt feelings built up inside and I have never told him. I am tired of him hurting me and putting me down. I have been so intimidated by him my whole life. That just makes me more angry. I am angry at myself that I have never stood up to him. When he says stuff to me, I am like a dog with my tail between my legs. Well no more! I think the best way to have a good relatinship with him is to let out all of my feelings. Have a good talk about the things he has said and how we can move past it. I want to tell him that he has hurt me and that I am angry about it. I am also going to tell him about my surgery. I want him to know that it has NOTHING to do with him. I don't want him to think for a second that all of his years of torment have pushed me to have surgery. He will not get that satisfaction. I will tell him that if he cannot accept surgery, then we have nothing more to say to each other. I will not continue a relationship that is detrimental to my mental health. I really think he will come around and we may end up having a good relationship. The older he has gotten, the more he has mellowed.

Pretty crappy story huh? Sorry to dump on you all but I can't sleep. I am really angry at my brother. It is obvious to me that he has bottled some feelings towards me that have nothing to do with my weight. He brought them all out tonight. When he argues, he always goes for the lowest blows. But I am not hurt by the blows, just the fact that he was aiming to hurt me. I really don't understand it and it makes me sad. Well, I am going to go pray now. I want to have the right words for my dad tomorrow. I have been building these feelings for 26 years now. It is time for me to be an adult and speak up for myself. If I can have surgery, I can let my dad know how I feel. Thanks for listening! Trisha

[Gibson 7]

Hugs to you, Trisha! I'm sorry your brother is an ass. I know how much that can hurt. Believe me, I do. I hope that your talk with your Dad tomorrow clears the air and empowers you in the future! I wish I could help!

[Gibson 7]

P.S. Gem really is outrageous. Truly outrageous. =)

*prays you remember the theme song so you won't think I'm an idiot*

[michiganer 0]

Are you kidding? I love Jem! "Jeeeemmmm is truly outrageous, truly truly truly outrageous, ohohoh Jeeemmm is truly outrageous, Jem is my name, nothing else is the saaammme JEM is my name!!"

Thanks for the hugs too! I think it is time to clear the air with my dad. Hell, I told my brohter exactly how I feel and I think I need to let my dad know where I stand. I am not going to be the whipping girl anymore...

[steph_co 9]

How upsetting. I hope you can find the right words for your dad. You are making a good step in the right direction to taking care of YOU. To heck with what they might think.

[Telecia 1]

I hope it works out for you. I had to totally break ties with one of my brothers cause he is just to negative, abusive and hatefull, he is one of those types that cannot accept he has made mistakes and messed up his own life. And blames it on everyone else.

Up till 4-5 years ago he blamed everything on his mom (single mother) then suddenly it was me. I guess cause I moved 2 hours away and didn't visit as often.

[michiganer 0]

Yeah, my brother is so hateful. He is usually calmer but all of the sudden he is just all over me. I called him today to tell him that I want to have a good relationship with him but I will not be talked to like that. It all spiraled out of control and he came right out and said "I won't support you, you're taking the easy way out. All you need is some self control. Just quit eating so much junk and excercise and I guarantee you will lose weight". It was no use explaining that I have all kinds of medical conditions that contribute to weight gain. He won't listen. He thinks he is right and that is it.

I did speak with my dad today and I finally got a lot off my chest. I told him that he has hurt me a lot over the years with things he has said about my weight. I told him that I have a lot of anger towards him about it. He actually apologized and said that sometimes he has said things to me that he wishes he hadn't. He said that he thought if he kept saying things that it would somehow "jumpstart" me into doing something. I told him that I have tried many times and that my medical conditions really don't help. It was a really good talk and he is supporting me. I am really happy about it!

As for my brother, well I guess we are going to be like those siblings that never talk to each other. My mom is really sad because she thinks that we are all each other has once her and my dad die. When I asked him why he has all of these angry feelings towards me and I started talking about feelings, he hung up on me. I think there is more than meets the eye with his anger but I don't know what it is. I told my mom that until he apologizes for his behavior, I am not speaking to him. The last thing I need in my life is another negative person. I just wish I didn't have to cut my own brother out of my life

[jelbel 0]

I'm glad you spoke to your dad and got it off your chest. I know, some people just are so jealous about this whole thing.

It's not that easy. I'm 7 days post op and I have a cold and cough.

[iisimpleemeeii 0]

right now you just to need to fill your life with all the positive people and positive thoughts because that is what you need! when you get your surgery and start to lose weight and you get the positive comments from people especially people you don't know your self esteem will rise soooo much! i know mine has! I'm come along those people who were learly about me having the surgery but once i educated them about how this is how I AM choosing the live my life and what I AM doing to secure that I am around in the future HEALTHY! lots of luck hopely your brother and dad get it through their mind its not about them and to give your life some thought or even tried to imagine life in your shoes things will turn around and they too will give you support but until then you need to think about you and only you its not selfishness its about and new life for you. your mother is there! i'll pray for you pray is mysterious....

[mescla808 0]

I can only say, go for the talk with your dad with every conviction you have. You need to address these issues so you can move on and be more success in all your endeavors. If you don't you will forever play those told tapes, its those are partially want causes use to eat or over eat. Aloha..

[Lori Ann 0]

Good luck with your Dad and brother.....I really do believe that your brother and father love you.....sometimes it's really hard to express how you feel with close family. I agree you need to surround yourselves with positive people. I would ask your God before you talk to them to guide and direct your thoughts to where he would have them to be and you will be amazed at how the conversation will go....I know that last thing you really want is to be on the outs with your family......Now, once you present the information to them, it is out of your hands......you are not responsible for what they do with that information......you are just responsible on how you present it....hopefully in a loving manner, because you don't need to stoop as low as your brother has......I wish you the best of luck and I know the band is going to change your life in such a positive way and healthy way and I really do believe and hope that your brother and father will see that.....but if they don't, don't waste your time trying to convince them......that is not your job. Good luck and I will say a little prayer for you and your family.

[FlaLMT 0]

Good luck Trisha! with surgery and family.

Where are you getting banded?

I live in Melb, FL.

[TulipStar 2]

Screw those people! They are just trying to bring you down. I had a lot of issues with people in my life. Even a "concerned friend" beforehand who tried to "intervene". The truth was that she wasn't my "friend" bc if she was, I would have felt comfortable telling her about the surgery.

I have a long family history of issues with my parents. Through therapy, I have found the best way for me to deal with this is to write them a letter to let them know how I feel. Sometimes I send the letter, sometimes I don't.

To be honest, I have only had to send a letter to my Dad once. This was about 6 years ago and I set the boundaries. I told him I loved him, wanted to have a relationship with him, but he had to treat me with respect and cut out the verbal abuse or I wouldn't have a relationship with him until he could act decent towards me. He called me after I sent that letter after 6 months of not talking.

Now he pretty much stays within the boundaries I set. If he feels like he isn't going to stay within the boundaries or he is mad at me, he just won't talk to me for 2-6 months. I am ok with that if that's what he has to do to deal with his issues.

You are doing this surgery for you. So tell your brother to take a hike. Don't feel guilty about Thanksgiving, you are doing the right thing.

HUGS!

[IndioGirl55 32]

michiganer - I am sorry about your fight with your Brother - My parents are dead along with one of my brothers - my Sis & baby bro knew about my surgery and were ok with it. But I do know that my bro who is gone would have supported me - he and i loved each other and would be there for each other in a heart beat - but we fought the most too. In fact we had words 2 weeks prior to his unexpected death. I don't know what my dad would say about the surgery - he never harped about my weight but did say that I really needed to work on it - My real mom (died when I was 15) was the one who harped on my as a child - made me the closet eater that i am. Families are tough - you cant choice them - Maybe your bro is upset cuz you aren't telling him the truth.

IMHO just put it out there - tell them all - Maybe he is jealous of your relationsip with your Mom and he wishes his was just as good.. Who knows - but the fighting isn't worth the heart ach - and I agree you need to have that talk with your Dad - it's hard sometimes - cuz no matter how grown up we are they are still our parents...

My best to you on your difficult journey to be banded - but you are on the right road to being a healhty young strong woman...

[tonya66 13]

Some times people have issues that we just don't understand. Your brother obviously has some issues.

You should be so proud of yourself for confronting your dad, now you can begin healing and truly forgive and have a good relationship with your dad.

The surgery is your business and yours alone. If you don't want to tell your brother, DON'T. It is none of his business. There is a reason why we have the HIPPA law. It protects our privacy, our medical records and decisions are our business and ours alone.

Congrats on getting a surgery date. I'm so happy with my band and it truly has changed my life.