What to expect out of spouse before and after surgery?

[ShannaH 7]

So, I am in the Pre surgery phase. I am seeing nutritionist and doing all of the other pre op requirements, including the 6 month diet (low carb of course).

Before I decide to move forward with the process, I asked my husband for his support and his feelings on the surgery. He was all for it and said he would definitely support me if that is what I really want. “ all I want is for you to be happy and healthy baby”, is what he said. (He also is around 300lbs and knows he needs to lose some weight too. )Well, here it is a two months into the diet, I am down 11 lbs but his support is only verbal. Let me explain, he says I support you and sometimes he acts like he supports me but other times he is driving through the McDonald’s parking lot ordering a combo with French fries and a coke ( one of my weaknesses is fast food, especially French fries). I say I want a quarter pounder with cheese no bun. He orders the quarter pounder and says “ you can take off the bun yourself”. When I bring it to his attention later, he says “this diet and surgery is your choice not mine, and for now on you worry about what your gonna eat and I will worry about myself.”

I have tried to tell him more about my new eating habits and how it will change even more after the surgery. But it’s like he doesn’t listen and he still swears he is supporting me.

Any experiences or advice would help. What should I expect from him? Am I asking too much?

[MargoCL 677]

My bf and I made the conscious effort in the beginning of the year to lose weight together. He knew that while my efforts were geared toward natural weightloss I would speak to the bariatric surgeon and find out what I needed to do. His weightloss took off and loss 30lbs in 2 mos, I lost 14 and stayed stagnant. We continued on our journey and he stayed between 30-35 lb loss and we remained true to our new healthy eating habits. Fast forward from January to June and my weightloss never budged so I went forward with my options for surgery. My bf was and still is very supportive.

He has remained by my side every day and while he eats what he wants, he does not support me eating fast food because he knows it's a bad habit waiting. He does allow me a cheat every now and then with a chip or something, but all in all, I could not have asked for a more supportive partner.

Allows me to share meals with him when we go out and encourages me to work out even when I don't always want to.

If your husband is all in and truly supportive he would not say or play the games he us playing. Is it possible he is insecure and fears losing you if you lose the weight? If that's the case counseling for the both of you is needed.

If my bf did not support me, I know I would not be as successful as I am. This journey is about the both of us, not just me. It's my personal journey to get healthy, but it's our journey together because we both want the same outcome

[FluffyChix 17,415]

I think it's push-back. YOU made this decision on your own--without him. He is NOT ready to change anything--diddly squat. And he's making it as uncomfortable as possible on you to drive his point home. In a sense, it is YOUR decision. But still...it's an asshat thing to do.

[Ed_NW 684]

I finally had to come to a point in my life where I stopped using my spouse as an excuse to live an unhealthy life. This surgery will be a life changing decision that can only be successful if I hold myself accountable. I've been married for 30 years and my wife does the same thing. She eats in a way that is opposite to the way I need to be eating. I just try to educate her on the things I've learned and keep pushing forward to my goal of becoming a healthier me. Change is hard for everyone in your life to accept. People will act like they want what's best for you when in reality the status quo is in most cases where the comfort zone is. Sometimes the only way to make positive changes is to leave that comfort zone.

[photogirl70 142]

I'm sorry he's not being more supportive. I'm glad that he is "supporting" you getting the surgery. While it would be easier if he changed his eating habit along with you, it sounds like he's not down for that. I know it's tough but keep on focus with your health and your eating. I'm almost 8 weeks post op and this weekend, I had to deal with my daughter making homemade bread and my husband had me go though the drive thu to get him an ice cream cone. It's agonizing at time but I know it will be worth it in the long run.

[J San 1,071]

Sounds like you are getting the best support he can or is willing to give right now. Stay focused on what you have to do for yourself and your health. Hopefully after you have surgery and things start changing for you physically it will influence him to make the changes he needs to make. But if not remember this is for you and if you expect to get the results you want you have to stay focused on that.

[Jobber 321]

I'm in a somewhat similar situation with my wife. I think he sees you asking him to order food that way as another way to remind him yet again that you're doing this and he's getting more insecure about the whole thing.

He'll come around if he truly supports you, but then again, it may also expose his true feelings as well. If you don't have a healthy foundation in the first place, I think this process is going to show what your relationship is made of for better or worse.

[MargoCL 677]

@ShannaH - Have you spoken to your husband again about this? Maybe sit him down and explain what you're feeling and find out his true feelings. The work to lose weight is all on you, but I think personally we all need that "rock" for support to help us through the difficult time (and there will be difficult times).

We all have our own experiences and advice but honestly only you and your husband can work this out. And you have to decide how to handle it if he doesn't give you the support / answers you want / need to hear.

Sending Hugs and remember we're all here for you

[ShannaH 7]

I spoke with him again and he apologized for it. He said he will try harder to support me and understand. He has said this before but I am going to hope he sticks to his word this time. We have a very honest relationship which helps but I think his food addiction is almost worse than mine and he isn’t ready to face it.

[FluffyChix 17,415]

1 hour ago, ShannaH said:

I spoke with him again and he apologized for it. He said he will try harder to support me and understand. He has said this before but I am going to hope he sticks to his word this time. We have a very honest relationship which helps but I think his food addiction is almost worse than mine and he isn’t ready to face it.

Yep. This. ^^^ He sees you making these changes. And he's "not ready" to give up his love affair with the foods he craves and loves and that pushes him towards an unstable area. The reality is, you just simply must work the program FOR and BY yourself with the "approved" support systems (both in RL and online here with us). We're the people who understand and have chosen to live this recovery. Not any of our family friends or loved ones. Right?

And the biggest plus will be, that not by words, but by actions, that will or can encourage him to consider making his own personal journey with weight loss--one tiny baby step and backslide at a time. That way no resentment can fester between you -- either direction. NO one can blame the other. Right? It's leading by example.

Through my choice to get healthy and do WLS, I've influenced my entire family to confront their food addictions and weight/health issues. And I've not said a word. They've just witnessed that I've come back to life and it makes them consider their own lives.

Good luck. You can do this. Congrats on choosing life!

[TakingABreak 2,733]

48 minutes ago, FluffyChix said:

reality is, you just simply must work the program FOR and BY yourself

^^^ complete truth.

No one in my life made changes but me. I didn't expect them to, because only I had the problem. I wanted it to be a lifestyle change and not contingent on what others were doing around me. I've accomplished that and I think it will give me life long success.

[FluffyChix 17,415]

29 minutes ago, AshAsh1 said:

^^^ complete truth.

No one in my life made changes but me. I didn't expect them to, because only I had the problem. I wanted it to be a lifestyle change and not contingent on what others were doing around me. I've accomplished that and I think it will give me life long success.

I so agree with you hon! Mr. F. did make dietary changes but it's because he wanted to make them for his T2 and to feel better. But I would have done this regardless, and the "hopefully" life-long changes I've made and am making will insure more success. I have seen you make these changes and it's dramatic!!! Congrats girlie!!!

[J San 1,071]

27 minutes ago, AshAsh1 said:

^^^ complete truth.

No one in my life made changes but me. I didn't expect them to, because only I had the problem. I wanted it to be a lifestyle change and not contingent on what others were doing around me. I've accomplished that and I think it will give me life long success.

I'm actually figuring this out right now. I appreciate what support I get from my family but this wasn't something I thought about until recently being able to eat normal foods. My wife and kids eat pretty healthy but not to the degree we have to be. Last week wife made a recipe that called for the chicken to be covered in flour before adding it to the pan. I put a piece of breast without anything on it aside and cooked it later for myself. Same thing on Saturday she made breaded chicken and I pulled a piece aside and cooked it for myself. I know it sounds like simple things but when what your used to doing has completely changed it becomes a big thing for you and your thought process.

[ShannaH 7]

I’m ok with this being my decision and him eating what he wants.. my issue is when he tells me he supports me then when I ask to not go to a specific place because they are not low carb friendly, he gets an attitude. If I cook, he knows that if he don’t eat what I cook then he won’t eat.

[FluffyChix 17,415]

3 minutes ago, ShannaH said:

I’m ok with this being my decision and him eating what he wants.. my issue is when he tells me he supports me then when I ask to not go to a specific place because they are not low carb friendly, he gets an attitude. If I cook, he knows that if he don’t eat what I cook then he won’t eat.

Yeah, it truly sucks at times. And as ever it's our choice to eat it or not. OR pick something more innocent from the menu!! Win-win! You may not want to do it, but your body will thank you.

And although you are the mom and might has some say over the car and kids(when you're driving), if you have someone (an adult) determined to fork their life up who is currently driving, we sometimes have to suck it up and deal. It IS frustrating. Truly. But you can't arbitrate or guilt people into change. It only ruins your life/relationships and fosters resentment toward you. And ultimately, you are the only one signing on to change in this family.

That's where the big girl panties come in handy. It does suck though.