Support Person Anxiety / Negativity

[Bootscraper 56]

I asked my partner to attend a bariatric support group with me last night. I have been going since the beginning of the year (I have 4 months left before my insurance will review me for approval). The topic of last night's meeting was specifically support networks. He did not say or ask anything during the group but there was a heavy focus on the changes that will effect that the support person, especially spouses and people in the same household as the patient. He and I have been on a low carb diet for three months and I have lost about 12lbs through diet and exercise - I am very comfortable with this eating style. Mind you, I am still 100lbs overweight. At dinner, he asked why I could not just continue the diet and exercise regiment instead of getting surgery (DUH I HAVEN'T TRIED THAT IN THE LAST 20+ YEARS!) I was upset because the last nine months he has never once aired any concern about surgery until going to this group and hearing how this will affect him and now thinks that I may become "miserable" to deal with if I regret my choice to have surgery.

Does anyone have experience with overcoming the anxieties of the people you rely on the most? He does not have the ability to attend appointments that I have during the daytime hours like with the nutritionist or surgeon and I don't believe that he would take the time read articles that I might find to show that the long term ineffectiveness of weight loss without surgery for the morbidly obese.

[DaleCruse 756]

Your partner hasn't earned the right to enjoy the best of you without also suffering through the worst of you. But the opposite is true too! You haven't earned the right to enjoy the best of your partner without suffering through the worst of that person. Has there been a time when you supported your partner when that person needed it? If so, perhaps there are stories you can relate to that person about what you dealt with. Now you're calling in a favor & asking that person to be with you again at your worst. Good luck! You are not alone.

[Auroragirl4489 88]

I was asked the same question but at my preop appt. Never said anything before!! I was so irritated but I know it was all out of love and possibly scared for me. I simply said if it was that easy I would not be here. I know I made the right decision for me.

[Bootscraper 56]

23 minutes ago, DaleCruse said:

Your partner hasn't earned the right to enjoy the best of you without also suffering through the worst of you. But the opposite is true too! You haven't earned the right to enjoy the best of your partner without suffering through the worst of that person. Has there been a time when you supported your partner when that person needed it? If so, perhaps there are stories you can relate to that person about what you dealt with. Now you're calling in a favor & asking that person to be with you again at your worst. Good luck! You are not alone.

He was my rock when my mother passed away, three months in to our relationship. He has had struggles that I have supported him through, not as extreme as that but I agree that it could help to relate that support.

[Jobber 321]

Yes. My wife said somethign similar before I even had my first surgeon appointment. I posted about it here and got some very good advice to invite her to my first surgeon and NUT appointment. I changed my user name because she's smart and may find this board now that I'm in the process and mentioned that I'm frequenting online forums to get educated, so she would know it was me asking why she doesn't support me, etc... and that would be a big problem.

Good news is that I followed the advice and played it cool. Once we had the surgeon and his supporting resident sit down with us to talk about the process, he also explained why so many struggle and fail. I consider myself very lucky to have had him do that and it was based on some strategic questions I had lined up prior. I really want my wife to be on board and I was taken aback when she asked me after the appt if I had decided if I was going to go through with the surgery. This doesn't seem like much, but to me, it was a huge win because when we've talked about it before, it wasn't even a question she would ask, it was more of "you don't need this, just diet and exercise and stick to it". I repeat your sentiment of "DUH". I've been doing this for 20 years now and not had much luck...

Anyways, I played it cool when she asked me and said I hadn't decided and that I wanted to go through some of the process and get further along the 6 months before deciding. I knew that was probably the best way to let her know that I'm not just deciding to do this emotionally and that I'm doing this based on my research and experience instead. That will strike the final blow in swaying her to my side, I have no doubt.

She's my everything so making sure she's on board is everything to me. Good luck to you. I don't have any good advice beyond making sure that your SO knows why you want to do this, which is to be around longer for them and for your family, not because you want to lose weight and run off with someone else which is probably what some spouses think.