Serious Post - Looking for Help

[craziikid307 7]

I had WLS in July 2015, gastric sleeve. Shortly before my surgery, it came to my attention that I had an overeating disorder. I went through with the surgery and lost 100lbs. I have regained 60lbs. I feel like a big, fat failure. I feel stuck inside of a broken mind. For the first 20 months after surgery, I was killin' it! Went to the gym 3-4 times a week, got a trainer, was cooking and eating well, monitored my intake of carbs and fats. I was so determined not to fail. But sometimes your mind is stronger than your will and desire to achieve something else.

It was recommended to me to keep a notepad. I did this a few weeks prior to surgery and a few post-op. I was rereading my pre-op posts and I wrote, "I feel ready for this. I'm excited. But I can't help but feel like I'll eventually sabotage myself"

My mind is broken and I don't know how to fix it. Now, I would consider myself about 80% suicidal. I'd rather be dead than be fat because my mind is broken. I feel so literally trapped in my body that I'd rather die than be fat for one more goddamn day.

If I tell anyone this, I'm scared they're going to admit me. I don't want to end my life but I'm so sad and tired of hating myself that I don't know how else to get out. I don't understand how people love me, how my boyfriend says I look good. I feel like a giant, fat, slob who is so broken mentally that I am barely holding it together.

Someone help me, please.

[Pisces2j7 9]

You did it before and can do it again. Just start over and look at what you were eating when you lost weight. Also, you matter and are important. It sounds like you have a great support system. Have you talked to your doctor or NUT? Maybe they can help you get back on track. Maybe talk to a counselor about everything. You’ve got this!

[rs 1,473]

I had WLS in July 2015, gastric sleeve. Shortly before my surgery, it came to my attention that I had an overeating disorder. I went through with the surgery and lost 100lbs. I have regained 60lbs. I feel like a big, fat failure. I feel stuck inside of a broken mind. For the first 20 months after surgery, I was killin' it! Went to the gym 3-4 times a week, got a trainer, was cooking and eating well, monitored my intake of carbs and fats. I was so determined not to fail. But sometimes your mind is stronger than your will and desire to achieve something else.

It was recommended to me to keep a notepad. I did this a few weeks prior to surgery and a few post-op. I was rereading my pre-op posts and I wrote, "I feel ready for this. I'm excited. But I can't help but feel like I'll eventually sabotage myself"

My mind is broken and I don't know how to fix it. Now, I would consider myself about 80% suicidal. I'd rather be dead than be fat because my mind is broken. I feel so literally trapped in my body that I'd rather die than be fat for one more goddamn day.

If I tell anyone this, I'm scared they're going to admit me. I don't want to end my life but I'm so sad and tired of hating myself that I don't know how else to get out. I don't understand how people love me, how my boyfriend says I look good. I feel like a giant, fat, slob who is so broken mentally that I am barely holding it together.

Someone help me, please.

Take a moment to re-read the words of@pisces2j7. I echo every sentiment written.

[GreenTealael 25,439]

I'd rather die than be fat sounds like a bigger problem than can be addressed here, please take care of yourself. Seek the assistance you need from the appropriate place.

Stay safe

Call 1-800-273-8255
Available 24 hours everyday

SuicidePreventionLifeline.org

Edited September 5, 2018 by GreenTealael

[James Marusek 5,244]

Generally there are two phases to weight loss surgery: the weight loss phase and the maintenance phase. The maintenance phase can sometimes be the hardest nut to crack.

It is common for some people to gain a little weight after they bottom out. It is called the 20 pound bounce. But it should level out there. Some individuals gain almost all the weight back. I asked my nutritionist about this. She said a couple things. First, the tool is still there. Stretching the pouch is just a common myth. The tool is still there. Second, it takes the same amount of time that you were out of balance to return to balance. So if you gained weight for a couple years in maintenance, it will take a couple years to get back to the ideal weight. It will not happen overnight.

There was a man in my small town who had weight loss surgery. He lost a tremendous amount of weight and was happy for several years. But then the pounds started adding back on and he gained all the weight back. He then realized he had a problem and put all his energy into reducing his weight. He lost it all again.

One of the components of the surgery is the psychological component. If you have an overeating disorder and are contemplating suicide, that means that you have a problem in this area. And the psychological component can make it more difficult for you to achieve your goals. It must be addressed and addressed soon. So seek the help of professionals in this speciality and let them help you get back on the straight and narrow.

[FluffyChix 17,415]

Ok, so I hear you and acknowledge where you are and your fears. I just want to say right now, you may not know it or feel it, but YOU are in control and CAN command your inner voice(s) that send sucky messages to you and lie to you. You CAN tell that little persistent voice of fear inside of you to STFU and take a back seat.

I just want to encourage you, that sometimes it seems darkest before the dawn of a major break through. Sometimes, getting help is actually the most courageous thing you can do. Please, PLEASE reach out to a licensed professional who is trained in helping people. You are NOT doomed to live your life obese. You aren't. That's a lie the self-hatred inside is telling you.

It is possible to turn this around and get to the bottom of your eating issues with help and a support system. It's OK, if you are admitted to a hospital. It won't be forever, just a short time so you can get intensive help and they can help you arrange for a long-term support system and counseling back in your everyday life. There is ZERO shame in this or in asking/needing help. There just isn't hon.

Please call those numbers. Please?!

[TakingABreak 2,733]

12 hours ago, craziikid307 said:

I had WLS in July 2015, gastric sleeve. Shortly before my surgery, it came to my attention that I had an overeating disorder. I went through with the surgery and lost 100lbs. I have regained 60lbs. I feel like a big, fat failure. I feel stuck inside of a broken mind. For the first 20 months after surgery, I was killin' it! Went to the gym 3-4 times a week, got a trainer, was cooking and eating well, monitored my intake of carbs and fats. I was so determined not to fail. But sometimes your mind is stronger than your will and desire to achieve something else.

It was recommended to me to keep a notepad. I did this a few weeks prior to surgery and a few post-op. I was rereading my pre-op posts and I wrote, "I feel ready for this. I'm excited. But I can't help but feel like I'll eventually sabotage myself"

My mind is broken and I don't know how to fix it. Now, I would consider myself about 80% suicidal. I'd rather be dead than be fat because my mind is broken. I feel so literally trapped in my body that I'd rather die than be fat for one more goddamn day.

If I tell anyone this, I'm scared they're going to admit me. I don't want to end my life but I'm so sad and tired of hating myself that I don't know how else to get out. I don't understand how people love me, how my boyfriend says I look good. I feel like a giant, fat, slob who is so broken mentally that I am barely holding it together.

Someone help me, please.

You have the capabilities and the knowledge to do better and do right by yourself. Its a hard thing to overcome an addiction or disorder. I see people in your shoes who haven't had surgery, who don't know that they can do this. But you do know you can. You have the tools and the resources.

No matter what steps we make to become physically healthy, it doesn't matter if we aren't mentally healthy. I urge... urge you to seek professional help. At this point, if you are 80% suicidal, who cares if they admit you? Especially if this is what you need to get better?

I truly hope you get the help you need. Please reach out to anyone, a friend, a support line, family... literally anyone if those thoughts become too overwhelming.

You are worth the effort. You deserve a chance to be happy again.

[YeahOkay31 651]

The world has lied to you. They told you that being fat is the worst thing in the world. Not being mean, or a bully, an elitist, a miser, materialist---none of these are as bad as being fat. Think about that. Think about that complete and utter BS the world has fed you. They shoved it down your throat, and now the thread of thought is in you and it is poisoning you.

Right now, craziikid, this is your real problem, not your weight. If you don't learn to value yourself for more than what you look like you are never going to get out of the fog. Listen to your man, look at your successes. Despite the world telling you that you will never achieve anything or have people who want to be by your side, you do and you have. Yay, you are fat, but you are worthy as any other f*ck out there. That is the real truth--but they don't want you to know that, because how else are they going to sell you their diet pills, how else are they going to make themselves feel superior? Being thin is all a lot of being got. You got a whole lot more. You know you do.

I hate to go all body positive on you, but that is what you need right now, to give a big old middle finger to society and be fricking happy, girl. I don't mean to simplified it, but being happy is sometimes a choice--take it from one sick mind to another (read my profile if you want details). Then, when you are at that good place, if you want to get back on the dieting horse, do it, but do it for your health. Not for some made up, manufactured ideal of what a person should be.