Feeling fatter than ever...whine...

[Screwballski 540]

It’s been a tough week and my husband is sick of hearing it.
Intellectually, I know these are the same games my head has always played with me.
The same dysmorphic thinking/“seeing”...
Today I put on clothing from three years ago, from a time when I looked incredible. Even today as I looked at photos of me in this clothing I thought how terrific I looked in the outfit back then. I’m 10lbs lighter now.
But, as has been happening recently (and often happens in my life) I swear I look much, much heavier?
I mean, I know the answer...it’s all part of my disease. I know how to calm my head. But, it’s so frustrating that no matter where I am in life, this is never going to end.
When I weighed 115lbs, I saw a fat girl. When I weighed 260lbs, I saw a fat girl. When I weighed 155lbs, I saw a fat girl.
If I weighed 6lbs, I’ll still see a fat girl.

No one except my shrink wants to hear this.
There’s no need to respond.
I’m fine. I’ve been dealing with this since my teens...I’m 53 now.
I just really needed to vent.

[Jingle123423 165]

One statement a therapist made to me eons ago really resonated. She said "Just because you think something, doesn't make it true".

I can relate. I remember thinking I was fat at 125. I wish I was that "fat" now.

[GreenTealael 25,516]

I'm totally here for "whine down to the weekend"

Body dysmorphia is just f-ing ridiculous. I was just looking at a picture of my now smaller self thinking "my what larger hands and feet you now have" I'm like here we go again...

[elmatador 167]

The head games are hard! Just don’t let them lead to changes in behavior - recognize them for what they are and stay true to the part of your mind that is wise.

[Screwballski 540]

Thanks, Folks. I appreciate the support.

[Frustr8 7,886]

My mind thinks I'm somewhere around 235-250, I'm in shock when I look in the mirror " That's not the ME I remember." Now I wonder if I will still feel 250,when I. am under 200. They have spoken of your body having a weight set point, a body-shape your body tries to maintain. Well,i wonder if I have an emotional,set point, and it's 250lbs.

[Screwballski 540]

On 08/10/2018 at 20:02, Frustr8 said:

My mind thinks I'm somewhere around 235-250, I'm in shock when I look in the mirror " That's not the ME I remember." Now I wonder if I will still feel 250,when I. am under 200. They have spoken of your body having a weight set point, a body-shape your body tries to maintain. Well,i wonder if I have an emotional,set point, and it's 250lbs.

When I was a child, they called me chubby. Yet I modeled in NYC for boutiques during buying season. Hated it but did it because it made the same adults who called me chubby happy.
As a teen I was under weight, same adults told me I was beautiful but suggested I lose a few. They wanted me to do pageants because we had Miss NJ’s and Miss Teenage America Runner Up’s in our family. But not my bag and by then my self esteem was shattered, my body image a mess.
In my 20’s I was a swimsuit model in Miami. The very same adults said I was too fat for the job (the agency booked me regularly and got me paid on time though, right).
In my mid-late 20’s, I became a TV model by accident. Was finally a fairly normal weight...just a little underweight. Wasn’t even looking for the job. Worked behind the camera, happily. They came to me. Right away, the adults in my life said I needed to lose 25 lbs because I was too big for TV. Natch, I I did just that. Because after all of this outside chatter, my inside eye had no idea what “too fat” looked like.
I only really know that I wasn’t chubby as a child or too fat on TV by looking at photos or video from back then.
This is the struggle so many people face.
I was only overweight for a 10 year period but I lived as a fat person inside my head for my entire life.
On the outside, people saw me as beautiful, I suppose. But it was completely wasted on me. I KNOW I got treated differently, got special privileges and leaway...but, again, it was wasted because I was, in my head—and always will be—the fat, funny friend.
In one respect I am thankful for this disease. It has made me a kinder, more careful mother and a more empathic human.
But, it sucks the life out of my brain.