Worried about my wife

[Matt Z 4,139]

1 minute ago, James Marusek said:

I am not sure what type of surgery your wife had.

Come on James, it was literally the very first line he wrote. "My wife underwent gastric bypass"

[Matt Z 4,139]

19 minutes ago, Biggamehunter said:

You’re damn right I brought up my aunt. It would be stupid not to bring that up.

Do you bring up all the hundreds of thousands of automobile accidents that results in death whenever anyone gets into a car? No? Then your logic that bringing up a totally unrelated, extremely rare issue that just happened to occur to your aunt doesn't have anything to do with your wife's current situation, like, at all.

Here's what I'm reading you saying:

"My wife is happy and feels healthy. Her doctors confirm that she's healthy. But I don't care about that because I don't like the way she looks, and thus nothing anyone says is going to make me understand that I'm wrong"

You came here looking for information, you've been provided with it, by folks that are right in the middle of dealing with it, but it's clear that the truth isn't what you were looking for.

[BigViffer 3,544]

11 minutes ago, Matt Z said:

@BigViffer Care to chime in about how us bypass folks can't work out?

To be clear though, I am a sleeve patient. There will be some differences in the amounts of food that can be eaten at one time. However, it has been proven that bypass patients can indeed lift weights successfully. The most famous example I can think of is Lyss Remaly:

http://fabulyssfitlife.com

To be fair to the OP though, the first year post op it is next to impossible to build muscle because of the lack of caloric surplus that is necessary to build new muscle. There will be atrophy and loss in size as the body breaks down muscle for the Proteins needed for it to function. If she were lifting weights currently, she would be able to stave off some loss of size, but she would also be increasing the Protein requirements thus breaking down more muscle, etcetera etc..

To the OP, give her time. 10 months is not that long. As long as she is having regular checkups with her surgeon and/or her primary physician to monitor her health, she will be fine.

[Born in Missouri 1,264]

So rather than you people patronizing me or any other bullshit prove me wrong. The phrase “she can weight train” is pointless unless you show proof. Cause I can’t find **** on it and the people at the docs office say the same ****. So if you’re reading this and you have a personal story and can show proof rather than just words then come at me. Otherwise you’re just an emaciated person that’s trying to accept yourself and trying to chew on someone with real questions.

So now we're all "you people" who just want to patronize and come at you?

So if you’re reading this and you have a personal story and can show proof rather than just words then come at me.

If that's an invitation, it's not very inviting. We're not a bunch of scientists wearing lab coats and writing on clipboards ready to hand you a report proving anything. And to label all of our well-meaning responses as "just words"... well, didn't you use "just words" to reply? You have a lot of anger inside of you and you're so defensive that you are incapable of hearing any other points of view. Is this the attitude and tone you use when contacting the doctor's office? If so, that might be why they are "ignoring" you.

I'm moving on. I see no point in any kind of hostile back and forth with you.

[Biggamehunter 13]

3 hours ago, BigViffer said:

To be clear though, I am a sleeve patient. There will be some differences in the amounts of food that can be eaten at one time. However, it has been proven that bypass patients can indeed lift weights successfully. The most famous example I can think of is Lyss Remaly:

http://fabulyssfitlife.com

To be fair to the OP though, the first year post op it is next to impossible to build muscle because of the lack of caloric surplus that is necessary to build new muscle. There will be atrophy and loss in size as the body breaks down muscle for the Proteins needed for it to function. If she were lifting weights currently, she would be able to stave off some loss of size, but she would also be increasing the Protein requirements thus breaking down more muscle, etcetera etc..

To the OP, give her time. 10 months is not that long. As long as she is having regular checkups with her surgeon and/or her primary physician to monitor her health, she will be fine.

Finally someone with some backbone. All these people saying I need mental help because I’m worried about my wife looking more sickly by the month are nutz. When my wife had brought up the surgeries I told her about my aunt and she said she wanted the sleeve anyway I was kind of ok with it. But then the day came for it and she had the bypass instead I was ready to knock the docs teeth into his throat. So hell yes I was mad and angry. I have no choice but to give it more time. But whatever. I don’t think these people have the stomach for a real conversation about it cause they obviously are only willing to see it their way. Crazy MFs in here.

[RapidFirePickle 119]

Actually it’s NOT next to impossible to gain muscle during the first year. A lot has to do with how physically active a person was prior to surgery and how active the are after surgery. I’m three months post bypass and have been engaged in weight-bearing exercise and strength training before and after surgery, and I’ve actually increased muscle mass. Physical activity paired with adequate Protein will stave off muscle loss.

[GreenTealael 25,353]

5 hours ago, Biggamehunter said:

You’re damn right I brought up my aunt. It would be stupid not to bring that up.

And being a man is to come forward with your problems and not just (keep it to myself) as women think we should. You want to open the man vs women door I’ll oblige but I’d rather not get into that.

We have no more or no less sex than before. Yes I had an issue with the change as anyone would if they marry the certain woman they want and then she decides to be the opposite. I’ve been working on that and my mindset has gotten better. There’s even some things I prefer now over before. The sexual attraction part was a hard hill to climb but I’ve pretty much got that whooped. She lacks the strength to do things that we were able to do before. Well I’ll start at the beginning with that. When we met about 5 years ago she was about 190-200 and stayed around there. She’s 5’8” That was what I had preferred in a woman. She started putting weight on and I never got on her case about it. A woman being 5 8 and 250 isn’t the healthiest and I tried getting her to get some exercise with me. I’m no brad Pitt. But I carry my weight alright. 6’ 260lbs and I bench over 400. But she got into depression and put weight on. I enjoyed parts but I knew she wasn’t happy. I am glad she is happy. And I’m happy for her truly. But there was things she could do when we met that she can’t anymore because she lacks the strength and muscle to do it. I’m no doctor but I do understand how the body works. I’m worried she’s going to lose what muscle she has left. And the aged part. She has noticed her rapid aging and is trying to figure out how to fix it but I’m skeptical since her digestive system is basically straight piped now she’s obviously missing something that is important for that.

So rather than you people patronizing me or any other bullshit prove me wrong. The phrase “she can weight train” is pointless unless you show proof. Cause I can’t find **** on it and the people at the docs office say the same ****. So if you’re reading this and you have a personal story and can show proof rather than just words then come at me. Otherwise you’re just an emaciated person that’s trying to accept yourself and trying to chew on someone with real questions.

Ok so instead of suggesting weight training which apparently is patronizing, I suggest physical therapy to repair the muscle you believe have atrophied. HOWEVER ONLY A DOCTOR CAN DIAGNOSIS THIS... BTW, I'm in both physical therapy and began to weight train so I'm not suggesting things I haven't tried, and this was after a real problem not something pretend.

[Biggamehunter 13]

20 minutes ago, GreenTealael said:

Ok so instead of suggesting weight training which apparently is patronizing, I suggest physical therapy to repair the muscle you believe have atrophied. HOWEVER ONLY A DOCTOR CAN DIAGNOSIS THIS... BTW, I'm in both physical therapy and began to weight train so I'm not suggesting things I haven't tried, and this was after a real problem not something pretend.

I never said you were patronizing me. You most certainly were not. The other people throwing out the personal attacks definitely are. My wife isn’t willing to exercise. I guess I was just looking for someone to show me that it’s going to be ok. But I’m pretty sure I went from having an overweight wife that was beautiful the way she was to have an unhealthily skinny wife with a pretty face. It is what it is. Maybe we’ll make it maybe we won’t. I told her I’m there anyway I’m just not pleased with the way It has made her so skinny. She isn’t happy about parts of it either but if you try to talk about it with her she just gets mad. I’ll delete this thread today at some point.

[SummerEssence 130]

08/07/2018 03:34 AM, Missouri-Lee's Summit said:

You said you weren’t happy that your wife went forward with this from the beginning. Is it possible that you are unconsciously looking for physical changes in your wife to support that feeling? Maybe even a “I-told-you-so” feeling because you’re not happy with her appearance now or maybe because she proceeded with her surgery despite your feelings?

I’ve come to accept what she has done… I don’t think you’ve accepted it at all. Why were you opposed to her decision to have this done in the first place? Is there something deep inside of you that resents her for having this surgery even though you were opposed to it? (I don’t know you, but some men have a problem with women making their own decisions, including decisions about their own bodies.)

She used to be… she is now… she is starting to look… She also looks like…. These sound like mourning words. You’re in mourning for the body your wife used to have.

I’m starting to worry… Starting? No, you're in full-blown worry mode, except it’s not really worry. I still think it’s mourning for what was.

I’m afraid I’ve lost my wife… Afraid? No, in your mind you’ve lost her. But have you lost her? Really? Your wife is happy. And the doctor’s office doesn’t seem worried.

His office pretty much ignores my concerns… Are you sure that they’re just disagreeing with you and not ignoring you?

This surgery killed my aunt…. WLS is not a murderer with a sawed-off shotgun. Your aunt had a rare and unfortunate complication. I hope you didn’t bring up your aunt's complication as one of the reasons for not wanting your wife to have her surgery. Or did you?

If I come across as terse, it’s only because men tend to understand things better when those things are presented bluntly or in black and white.

Lastly, it’s only been 10 months. Your wife's body is still trying to find a happy balance.

Has your sex life changed? Is that something you’re also unhappy about? (My husband has always enjoyed my big, soft body.)

Please do not interpret anything I’ve said above as lecturing or patronizing because that is not my intent. This is just my take on things from a woman's point of view. Not every woman's point of view. Just mine. We're not all the same, you know.

You sound like a loving and caring husband. No one here wants you to be unhappy, including me. Your wife, I’m sure, doesn’t want you to be unhappy. But guess what? It’s okay to be unhappy sometimes, except you need to figure out if your unhappiness and fears about your wife’s new body are rational or irrational. If they are irrational fears, and you still can’t come to terms with it all, maybe a therapist might help. Maybe joint therapy. And there is, of course, absolutely no shame in that. None.

Missouri-Lee’s, I have to agree with you there was a lot of (I) going on in his story seems pretty selfish to me yes I said it selfish and maybe a little jealousy. If the doctors said she’s ok and she says she’s ok then it’s not her problem it’s his.

[GreenTealael 25,353]

24 minutes ago, Biggamehunter said:

I never said you were patronizing me. You most certainly were not. The other people throwing out the personal attacks definitely are. My wife isn’t willing to exercise. I guess I was just looking for someone to show me that it’s going to be ok. But I’m pretty sure I went from having an overweight wife that was beautiful the way she was to have an unhealthily skinny wife with a pretty face. It is what it is. Maybe we’ll make it maybe we won’t. I told her I’m there anyway I’m just not pleased with the way It has made her so skinny. She isn’t happy about parts of it either but if you try to talk about it with her she just gets mad. I’ll delete this thread today at some point.

Unfortunately you can't delete these threads, they are here forever

What you have to understand is mostly everyone here is a patient not a spouse so they have to fiercely protect their reasonings for surgery in a world that calls it elective when most of the time is life saving. So you look aggressively against it, it sends up red flags and they want to protect her and her decision . I'm going to side with you because you asked for help. You believe that there is a problem then get proof. Otherwise if there is no physical problems there may have developed a mental problem. It is not uncommon for food aversion or anorexia to develop after WLS. still you need proof and proper medical attention for your wife. Take a step back from your aunts story ( my sincerest condolences, really, tragic...) And carefully/quietly observe your wife to see what's really going on. Is she not eating because she can't or does not want to? Is she low energy or no energy? Subtle differences will help you determine how best to help

Hoping the very best for your family

[min.steph 2]

I really feel for you. As a woman who's gone through gastric sleeve surgery I understand both sides of the argument. I'm 6yrs post-op. I would have done almost anything just to be thin. I've been admitted into the hospital 3x with complications from surgery but I'm glad I did it. My husband was feeling the same way as you. So I started going to the gym with him along with keeping my Protein level high. It made a big difference. Try approaching you wife with the understanding that you get that she's struggling with weight and is now at a healthier weight. But that's not where you stop and become satisfied. All loss isn't good for you and you just want her to be around to grow old together. Balance is the key. I hope it all works out for you.

[BostonWLKC 807]

I think the bigger issue is how to get your wife to EAT and exercise . That seems the only way to get her moving again and get energy level up. Yes all wls can be drastic loss I’m a short time but I don’t see many people in the same boat your wife is in BC she should be exercising regularly and eating more

I hope you continue to go with her to her nutritionist appointments.
Good luck.

[BostonWLKC 807]

I think the bigger issue is how to get your wife to EAT and exercise . That seems the only way to get her moving again and get energy level up. Yes all wls can be drastic loss I’m a short time but I don’t see many people in the same boat your wife is in BC she should be exercising regularly and eating more

I hope you continue to go with her to her nutritionist appointments.
Good luck.

[BigViffer 3,544]

3 hours ago, RapidFirePickle said:

Actually it’s NOT next to impossible to gain muscle during the first year. A lot has to do with how physically active a person was prior to surgery and how active the are after surgery. I’m three months post bypass and have been engaged in weight-bearing exercise and strength training before and after surgery, and I’ve actually increased muscle mass. Physical activity paired with adequate Protein will stave off muscle loss.

Actually, it is impossible to create new muscle tissue when you are eating fewer calories than your body burns. It's kind of a law. (Conservation of mass). If your BMR is 1500 calories and you can only eat 1000 calories, you absolutely cannot create new muscle tissue.

Now you may be able to have the existing muscle tissue live up to it's potential, increase in size comes from blood and Water engorging the tissue. As the muscle is worked, it can hold more. In the case of building new tissue, the above happens as well, but now you literally have more muscle fibers that are holding more blood and water.

@Biggamehunter - perhaps the forum members suggest you get help because you are so angry and taking it out on strangers on the internet? I don't see this as a your side/their side situation. I have no bias one way or the other. I'm just here to answer a question. If you want help from these people, you need to be more personable. You are not endearing enough to make anyone want to help, only argue.

Hope you and your wife can come to a consensus on what to do next.

[sillykitty 10,774]

1 hour ago, BigViffer said:

Actually, it is impossible to create new muscle tissue when you are eating fewer calories than your body burns. It's kind of a law. (Conservation of mass). If your BMR is 1500 calories and you can only eat 1000 calories, you absolutely cannot create new muscle tissue.

I have to say I disagree with this. We already have the fat stores to make up for this deficit.

https://www.bodybuilding.com/content/build-muscle-and-lose-fat-simultaneously-yes-it-is-possible.html

https://www.self.com/story/how-to-lose-fat-and-gain-muscle

https://bayesianbodybuilding.com/gain-muscle-and-lose-fat-at-the-same-time/

https://www.womenshealthmag.com/fitness/a19901609/build-muscle-lose-fat/

https://health.usnews.com/wellness/fitness/articles/2016-12-02/can-you-gain-muscle-while-losing-weight