Worried about my wife

[Biggamehunter 13]

My wife underwent gastric bypass and gal bladder removal 10 months ago. She started at 255lbs and she now fluctuates from 147-155. My main concerns are she used to be fairly strong. Could give me a challenge in a wrestling match. She is now weak AF. She is starting to look emaciated. Her legs have very little muscle and she pretty mutch has only skin and chubs left. She also looks like she has aged about 15-20 years on her face. Dr. Todd in anchorage had her on a fairly strict Protein diet but yet she still lost damn near every bit of muscle she had. I wasn’t happy she went forward with this from the beginning and I’ve come to accept what she had done but I’m starting to worry. This surgery killed my aunt two years after her surgery about 12 years ago when the stomach that was isolated died and turned sepsis and killed her fairly quickly. Im afraid I’ve lost my wife and the nurses and assistants at his office pretty much just ignore my concerns. Any help here would be hot.

[AEdoesRnY 531]

Have you talked with her? Does she share your concerns?

[Biggamehunter 13]

All she says is that she’s happy and says she’s not dying. She doesn’t care about any of it. My aunt Meghan said she would rather die than be fat and that’s exactly what she got. My wife says the same thing. Todd said that what happened is extremely rare. Todd even tried to argue with me on my aunt death. But anyways. He told me only 5% of women lose 80lbs or more I’ve come to believe that’s a big fat lie. He also said the normally women will put about 20 lbs back in at about the year mark but she’s not starting to gain again. Damn near everything she eats makes her sick. Her legs and arms are twigs with extra skin and some flab. I’m fuckin pissed really. I’m sure I’ll get some replies that I’m just selfish or some bs.

[RapidFirePickle 119]

Wow, that sounds pretty rough. There are two bariatric doctors in Anchorage - Dr. Sean Lee and Dr. Justin Clark at Anchorage Bariatrics. I know them; they are the doctors that got me this far in my journey. Dr. Lee did my surgery. I can't see them ignoring her situation. Call their office and get her in to see them; they will figure out what's going on. Best wishes.

[GreenTealael 25,336]

Hi. If she has stopped can you get her to try to return to Protein Drinks and bars? It should help add some muscle building calories back in quickly and begin to weight train, even just lightweight stuff. Perhaps it is time to get a a second opinion. But the challenge will be to get your wife to agree, Good luck.

[Biggamehunter 13]

I guess I don’t really know what I expected from posting on here. You have to do more than eat Protein to build muscle and she doesn’t get that. I just want my wife back. And how does one with no stomach weight train? If you can’t intake the calories to burn and build then how are you supposed to do any of it?

Edited August 7, 2018 by Biggamehunter

[RapidFirePickle 119]

14 minutes ago, Biggamehunter said:

I guess I don’t really know what I expected from posting on here. You have to do more than eat Protein to build muscle and she doesn’t get that. I just want my wife back. And how does one with no stomach weight train? If you can’t intake the calories to burn and build then how are you supposed to do any of it?

The reason I mentioned taking her to Anchorage Bariatrics is so they can figure out WHY she can't eat certain foods or get in enough. She may have internal problems that need endoscopy or other imaging to diagnose. She may be nutrient deficient in other ways than just Protein. They can help figure it out and help her get healthy enough to begin working on strength training. Nutrition has to come first, and if she's not getting the right stuff, having a doctor who knows how to help is the first step. They can also answer YOUR questions and concerns about her health. I wouldn't want my husband to worry about me; I'd keep him involved and listen to his concerns and opinions.

[sillykitty 10,774]

Since your wife doesn't seem to think there is a problem and neither does her surgeon, have you considered that this is your perception, and not reality?

[Born in Missouri 1,264]

You said you weren’t happy that your wife went forward with this from the beginning. Is it possible that you are unconsciously looking for physical changes in your wife to support that feeling? Maybe even a “I-told-you-so” feeling because you’re not happy with her appearance now or maybe because she proceeded with her surgery despite your feelings?

I’ve come to accept what she has done… I don’t think you’ve accepted it at all. Why were you opposed to her decision to have this done in the first place? Is there something deep inside of you that resents her for having this surgery even though you were opposed to it? (I don’t know you, but some men have a problem with women making their own decisions, including decisions about their own bodies.)

She used to be… she is now… she is starting to look… She also looks like…. These sound like mourning words. You’re in mourning for the body your wife used to have.

I’m starting to worry… Starting? No, you're in full-blown worry mode, except it’s not really worry. I still think it’s mourning for what was.

I’m afraid I’ve lost my wife… Afraid? No, in your mind you’ve lost her. But have you lost her? Really? Your wife is happy. And the doctor’s office doesn’t seem worried.

His office pretty much ignores my concerns… Are you sure that they’re just disagreeing with you and not ignoring you?

This surgery killed my aunt…. WLS is not a murderer with a sawed-off shotgun. Your aunt had a rare and unfortunate complication. I hope you didn’t bring up your aunt's complication as one of the reasons for not wanting your wife to have her surgery. Or did you?

If I come across as terse, it’s only because men tend to understand things better when those things are presented bluntly or in black and white.

Lastly, it’s only been 10 months. Your wife's body is still trying to find a happy balance.

Has your sex life changed? Is that something you’re also unhappy about? (My husband has always enjoyed my big, soft body.)

Please do not interpret anything I’ve said above as lecturing or patronizing because that is not my intent. This is just my take on things from a woman's point of view. Not every woman's point of view. Just mine. We're not all the same, you know.

You sound like a loving and caring husband. No one here wants you to be unhappy, including me. Your wife, I’m sure, doesn’t want you to be unhappy. But guess what? It’s okay to be unhappy sometimes, except you need to figure out if your unhappiness and fears about your wife’s new body are rational or irrational. If they are irrational fears, and you still can’t come to terms with it all, maybe a therapist might help. Maybe joint therapy. And there is, of course, absolutely no shame in that. None.

Edited August 7, 2018 by Missouri-Lee's Summit

[Matt Z 4,139]

@Biggamehunter Ok... let me put my 2 cents into this conversation. It sounds like you don't fully understand the human body and are tainted by something that happened 12 years ago.

Your wife has a stomach. And speaking from personal experience, yes, you can most certainly weight lift and body build with the bypass.

What I think you don't understand is that, fat isn't just on the outside, it's on the inside as well and Visceral fat, the fat on the inside, wraps around muscles, organs etc. Did your wife lose a little muscle mass? maybe. Did she loss all her muscle mass, hell no, she's lost the fat that made it APPEAR as if it was larger. As far as the wrestling... body mass and weight play MAJOR roles in hand to hand combat. She's more than likely not weaker, she's just working with a lot less mass and can't use that mass to overpower you like she used to do.

You are using a lot of "I feel" and other opinion statements... when talking about a medical professional. I'm curious what background you have that makes you believe you are smarter than a doctor. Not saying all doctors are super geniuses and they are all simply humans, but, by and large, they know their damn jobs better than those that aren't doctors.

It sounds like you need some therapy because it's pretty clear that the issues here are not with your wife or her surgery.

What happened to your Aunt sounds horrible, but, it is a VERY rare occurrence, as you were informed. But it's totally understandable why you'd have strong feelings about it, your reaction is justified, and you are allowed to have them, but that doesn't mean that what you are afraid of is happening or common. Just because you feel a certain way, doesn't mean that's what is actually going on. I hope you reach out for some counseling.

[GreenTealael 25,336]

7 hours ago, Biggamehunter said:

I guess I don’t really know what I expected from posting on here. You have to do more than eat Protein to build muscle and she doesn’t get that. I just want my wife back. And how does one with no stomach weight train? If you can’t intake the calories to burn and build then how are you supposed to do any of it?

Those Protein drinks and bars have more than just protein . they tend to be high calorie , very easy to eat and some are very tasty. We sometimes call them sliders be cause of this. The weight training even if starting at just the bar will help her to recondition her muscles. Then you work your way up incrementally. She has a stomach. Almost everyone on this site has undergone (or soon will) a similar surgery so the responses are not arbitrary. But a second or third medical opinion really should put you at ease.

[Bryn910 519]

Yea, it seems like you were anti-surgery from the beginning and are now finding things to be wrong to justify your feelings. If your wife and surgeon feel she’s fine and healthy, then her looks shouldn’t really be of any concern.

If she wants to gain more, that’s her decision. If She is weak and wants to weight train, that’s her decision. I am sorry about your aunt and your family’s loss.

and she has a stomach, she can weight train. She just doesn’t want to maybe?

Edited August 7, 2018 by Bryn910

[Biggamehunter 13]

5 hours ago, Missouri-Lee's Summit said:

You said you weren’t happy that your wife went forward with this from the beginning. Is it possible that you are unconsciously looking for physical changes in your wife to support that feeling? Maybe even a “I-told-you-so” feeling because you’re not happy with her appearance now or maybe because she proceeded with her surgery despite your feelings?

I’ve come to accept what she has done… I don’t think you’ve accepted it at all. Why were you opposed to her decision to have this done in the first place? Is there something deep inside of you that resents her for having this surgery even though you were opposed to it? (I don’t know you, but some men have a problem with women making their own decisions, including decisions about their own bodies.)

She used to be… she is now… she is starting to look… She also looks like…. These sound like mourning words. You’re in mourning for the body your wife used to have.

I’m starting to worry… Starting? No, you're in full-blown worry mode, except it’s not really worry. I still think it’s mourning for what was.

I’m afraid I’ve lost my wife… Afraid? No, in your mind you’ve lost her. But have you lost her? Really? Your wife is happy. And the doctor’s office doesn’t seem worried.

His office pretty much ignores my concerns… Are you sure that they’re just disagreeing with you and not ignoring you?

This surgery killed my aunt…. WLS is not a murderer with a sawed-off shotgun. Your aunt had a rare and unfortunate complication. I hope you didn’t bring up your aunt's complication as one of the reasons for not wanting your wife to have her surgery. Or did you?

If I come across as terse, it’s only because men tend to understand things better when those things are presented bluntly or in black and white.

Lastly, it’s only been 10 months. Your wife's body is still trying to find a happy balance.

Has your sex life changed? Is that something you’re also unhappy about? (My husband has always enjoyed my big, soft body.)

Please do not interpret anything I’ve said above as lecturing or patronizing because that is not my intent. This is just my take on things from a woman's point of view. Not every woman's point of view. Just mine. We're not all the same, you know.

You sound like a loving and caring husband. No one here wants you to be unhappy, including me. Your wife, I’m sure, doesn’t want you to be unhappy. But guess what? It’s okay to be unhappy sometimes, except you need to figure out if your unhappiness and fears about your wife’s new body are rational or irrational. If they are irrational fears, and you still can’t come to terms with it all, maybe a therapist might help. Maybe joint therapy. And there is, of course, absolutely no shame in that. None.

You’re damn right I brought up my aunt. It would be stupid not to bring that up.

And being a man is to come forward with your problems and not just (keep it to myself) as women think we should. You want to open the man vs women door I’ll oblige but I’d rather not get into that.

We have no more or no less sex than before. Yes I had an issue with the change as anyone would if they marry the certain woman they want and then she decides to be the opposite. I’ve been working on that and my mindset has gotten better. There’s even some things I prefer now over before. The sexual attraction part was a hard hill to climb but I’ve pretty much got that whooped. She lacks the strength to do things that we were able to do before. Well I’ll start at the beginning with that. When we met about 5 years ago she was about 190-200 and stayed around there. She’s 5’8” That was what I had preferred in a woman. She started putting weight on and I never got on her case about it. A woman being 5 8 and 250 isn’t the healthiest and I tried getting her to get some exercise with me. I’m no brad Pitt. But I carry my weight alright. 6’ 260lbs and I bench over 400. But she got into depression and put weight on. I enjoyed parts but I knew she wasn’t happy. I am glad she is happy. And I’m happy for her truly. But there was things she could do when we met that she can’t anymore because she lacks the strength and muscle to do it. I’m no doctor but I do understand how the body works. I’m worried she’s going to lose what muscle she has left. And the aged part. She has noticed her rapid aging and is trying to figure out how to fix it but I’m skeptical since her digestive system is basically straight piped now she’s obviously missing something that is important for that.

So rather than you people patronizing me or any other bullshit prove me wrong. The phrase “she can weight train” is pointless unless you show proof. Cause I can’t find **** on it and the people at the docs office say the same ****. So if you’re reading this and you have a personal story and can show proof rather than just words then come at me. Otherwise you’re just an emaciated person that’s trying to accept yourself and trying to chew on someone with real questions.

[James Marusek 5,244]

I am not sure what type of surgery your wife had. That can make a difference on answering your concerns. I had gastric bypass and this the approach. The three most important elements after RNY gastric bypass surgery are to meet your daily Protein, Fluid and Vitamin requirements. food is secondary because your body is converting your stored fat into the energy that drives your body. Thus you lose weight. So the first step is to assess these three areas. Your wife should have been given a detailed list of daily requirements.

You said that she is 10 months post-op and that "Damn near everything she eats makes her sick." That is a problem that needs to be resolved. Some individuals that undergo weight loss surgery develop strictures. This can cause them to be unable to take in small amounts of food without vomiting it back up. Others develop ulcers which can give the same symptoms.

According to the internet:

Nausea and vomiting are the most common complaints after bariatric surgery, and they are typically associated with inappropriate diet and noncompliance with a gastroplasty diet (ie, eat undisturbed, chew meticulously, never drink with meals, and wait 2 hours before drinking after solid food is consumed). If these symptoms are associated with epigastric pain, significant dehydration, or not explained by dietary indiscretions, an alternative diagnosis must be explored. One of the most common complications causing nausea and vomiting in gastric bypass patients is anastomotic ulcers, with and without stomal stenosis. Ulceration or stenosis at the gastrojejunostomy of the gastric bypass has a reported incidence of 3% to 20%. Although no unifying explanation for the etiology of anastomotic ulcers exists, most experts agree that the pathogenesis is likely multifactorial. These ulcers are thought to be due to a combination of preserved acid secretion in the pouch, tension from the Roux limb, ischemia from the operation, nonsteroidal anti-inflammatory drug (NSAID) use, and perhaps Helicobacter pylori infection. Evidence suggests that little acid is secreted in the gastric bypass pouch; however, staple line dehiscence may lead to excessive acid bathing of the anastomosis. Treatment for both marginal ulcers and stomal ulcers should include avoidance of NSAIDs, antisecretory therapy with proton-pump inhibitors, and/or sucralfate. In addition, H pylori infection should be identified and treated, if present.

So this can be a major problem that will need to be addressed. In a severe form, she might even find it difficult to consume liquids. If that is the case, it must be driven to ground.

After my surgery, I found that softer foods (such as chili and soups) went down much easier than harder foods (such as chicken and steaks). Therefore I relied on softer foods for my meals. I have included some recipes at the end of the following article. http://www.breadandbutterscience.com/Surgery.pdf

When you say that your wife looks emancipated, "Her legs and arms are twigs with extra skin and some flab." That was the way I looked several months after surgery. I looked like Dopey in Disney's cartoon movie sleeping Beauty. I would receive comments that I looked like I came from a concentration camp. But it was all in perception. I had to replace my entire wardrobe including all my jackets and coats. It was because when I lost the weight I also lost the fat in my shoulders and as a result all my jackets and coats hung down way lower than the times of my fingers. I looked like Dopey. After I replaced the wardrobe with clothes that actually fit me, all those comments disappear. So make sure you buy her some new clothes.

As far as "she has aged about 15-20 years on her face". I experienced that. I had very fine paper thin wrinkles all over my face. I looked like I was 100 years old. My wife suggested that I use a product called Bio-Oil (which can be found in stores like CVS, Krogers, Walmart). I followed her advise and it took all the wrinkles away. I have been using it for 5 years now.

[Matt Z 4,139]

2 minutes ago, Biggamehunter said:

So rather than you people patronizing me or any other bullshit prove me wrong. The phrase “she can weight train” is pointless unless you show proof. Cause I can’t find **** on it and the people at the docs office say the same ****. So if you’re reading this and you have a personal story and can show proof rather than just words then come at me. Otherwise you’re just an emaciated person that’s trying to accept yourself and trying to chew on someone with real questions.

@BigViffer Care to chime in about how us bypass folks can't work out? LOL

Show proof.. what do you want photos of us in the gym lifting weights? You state you can bench 400, well, using your own logic, prove it. I'm in the gym pretty much daily. Cardio, Weight lifting, I had the band installed in 2011, had it removed and was converted to the Bypass this past March. Zero issues working out and building / toning muscle. Just because you refuse to accept it, doesn't mean it's not possible.

No on here is giving you anything other than the truth, that you just refuse to accept. Everything you are writing is just highlighting how this issue, is 100% with you and not your wife or her surgery.

In all seriousness and honesty, you need to get to a therapist, your mindset is grossly unhealthy.