Pre-surgery feelings of mom guilt

[diabladepaz 42]

Hi there - I am on my six month pre-op journey, planning to get the gastric sleeve. I have a two-year old and sometimes feel so guilty about putting myself at risk through surgery. I'll think about how it's elective, what if something goes wrong, what if I die on the table, etc. etc....and then my daughter will be without a mother. My mom feeds into this guilt, telling me surgery is the wrong thing to do. I need to be strong and make the best decision for me. I understand that I will be healthier overall post-sleeve, but does/did anyone else struggle with this kind of pre-surgery guilt? As a parent, specifically? How do you push past this and not let guilt be a driving force behind your decision? My PCP and husband are supportive, but I just feel like I'm a bad mom sometimes for putting myself through surgery that "isn't necessary", so to speak.

[MelTed 12]

Hi! I had VSG surgery 6 weeks ago. I also have a 2 year old and a (at the time) 9 month old. I totally get what you are going through! This was my first ever surgery. I had no idea how I would react to anesthesia or if I would wake up from surgery. It was a scary thought. I’m also a nurse, so I may be more crazy than the average person when it comes to medical procedures haha. Just know that this surgery is so low risk and the benefits definitely outweigh the risks!! I have been overweight/obese for my entire life, and I do not want my children to be like that. I want to set a good example for them, run around at the park with them, and never want them to be embarrassed of me as they get older because of my weight. You know what’s best. You seem to have a great support system from your PCP and husband. Good luck! Let me know if you have any questions!

[GreenTealael 25,352]

I feel your pain but beware

mom guilt will have you 100lbs heavier 10yrs later still longing for surgery. Mom guilt is a convenient way society prevents women from self actualization. You become a mother and suddenly you're only a mother. Never again an individual who needs hobbies, happiness outside of motherhood or even health. Don't fall into that trap. You never see the reverse strictures placed on males in society. Motherhood is amazing, but i wanted to stick around long enough ( in good enough condition) to enjoy the active parenting phase and beyond without making my future (preventable) medical problems my children's burdens.

Edited August 7, 2018 by GreenTealael

[diabladepaz 42]

Thank you so much for these thoughtful responses. Much appreciated!!!

[Books 29]

Sometimes being a good mum is actually putting yourself first. You are the heart of the family and you need to take care of yourself so that you can continue to be the heart of the family. Who will take care of your family if your weight causes you to have health issues that makes you dependent on others? We need to teach our daughters that being a mum doesnt mean that we are not also important. This operation will give you a healthy body and enjoyment of life which will flow onto your daughter. You will feel so much more energetic and two year olds are VERY energetic !! So put your wonderful love for your daughter into action, leave your guilt behind, change the way you are thinking of this and instead get excited about the amazing road ahead.

[Frustr8 7,886]

Don't doubt the goodness of this healthy decision, you are doing this step to insure that the family and you have the strengt to move forward. You are showing them don't fold at the first chance of stress, be strong , move forward and develop into the person,you want to be. Excellent Life Lessons.

[Jobber 321]

I have Dad guilt but it's for the opposite reason. I'm starting this process because I want to see my kids graduate, get married, have kids, etc. I feel guilty that I've been so selfish while slowly killing myself with food and laziness. I'm doing this so I can be a more active, longer living father. Maybe think of it that way?

[Frustr8 7,886]

And I do respect you for this decision to not be Grandpa in the Picture Frame.
May I share this story with you and don't mind me if I cry.
Little Girl and her Mommy, let's call her Suzie were talking one day.
Suzie said " Mommy , who is this?"
Her Mommy said "Oh that's my Mommy, your Grandma Lucy"
Suzie' Mommy , I look a lot like her. Would she have loved me? Would she kiss me, hug me, le5 me climb up on her lap?"
Don't be Grandpa Peng1un Jack in,the wooden frame. Be Grandpa Hack who takes them fising, plays catch with them. Be Daddy Jack,who walks your daughter down the aisle so she marries the love of her life.
Love your future grandchildren Grandma all the days of your remaining life. Let your grandbabies say,I want a marriage like Grandpa and Grandma.
But by all that is holy, don't opt to be just the fellow in the wooden Frame!

[Jobber 321]

48 minutes ago, Frustr8 said:

And I do respect you for this decision to not be Grandpa in the Picture Frame.
May I share this story with you and don't mind me if I cry.
Little Girl and her Mommy, let's call her Suzie were talking one day.
Suzie said " Mommy , who is this?"
Her Mommy said "Oh that's my Mommy, your Grandma Lucy"
Suzie' Mommy , I look a lot like her. Would she have loved me? Would she kiss me, hug me, le5 me climb up on her lap?"
Don't be Grandpa Peng1un Jack in,the wooden frame. Be Grandpa Hack who takes them fising, plays catch with them. Be Daddy Jack,who walks your daughter down the aisle so she marries the love of her life.
Love your future grandchildren Grandma all the days of your remaining life. Let your grandbabies say,I want a marriage like Grandpa and Grandma.
But by all that is holy, don't opt to be just the fellow in the wooden Frame!

Dang it! I'm not supposed to tear up at work like this. Then again, I should probably be working instead of browsing this site. Thanks so much Frustr8, what a great story.

[Matt Z 4,139]

The risks of WLS are much MUCH lower then the risks of being overweight and unhealthy.

This decision is for you. But this decision will impact everyone around you.

My wife wasn't "for" me getting the bypass. She was scared of all the things everyone is scared of. But now, she's dropped a bunch of weight as well, she goes to the gym with me. All of us are eating better. It's just as much for everyone around you, as it is for yourself. Don't worry about the "guilt"... it's better than the alternatives.

Edited August 7, 2018 by Matt Z

[diabladepaz 42]

Thanks so much everyone! I had my pre-op appointment and got a lot of questions answered. I am feeling a lot less scared and even excited at the prospect of how different my life could actually be. I am imaging a future of hiking, kayaking, stand up paddle boarding, amusement park rides and general running around with my little girl! Appreciate the support.

[Jobber 321]

13 minutes ago, diabladepaz said:

Thanks so much everyone! I had my pre-op appointment and got a lot of questions answered. I am feeling a lot less scared and even excited at the prospect of how different my life could actually be. I am imaging a future of hiking, kayaking, stand up paddle boarding, amusement park rides and general running around with my little girl! Appreciate the support.

The thing that I want to be able to do the most and the thing that might actually make me stick to a pre-op plan is that I really want to ride go-karts with my kids. It was one of the most shameful moments of my life a couple years ago when I took them both and I couldn't tandem ride with my daughter because she was too young to do it herself and I was too large to fit in the car. I had to turn around and walk back past that line of folks just glaring at us.

[diabladepaz 42]

12 minutes ago, PENGU1N said:

The thing that I want to be able to do the most and the thing that might actually make me stick to a pre-op plan is that I really want to ride go-karts with my kids. It was one of the most shameful moments of my life a couple years ago when I took them both and I couldn't tandem ride with my daughter because she was too young to do it herself and I was too large to fit in the car. I had to turn around and walk back past that line of folks just glaring at us.

Oh, my heart goes out to you. I have encountered similar situations and they are so painful.

[Frustr8 7,886]

yes but think you will be going from "I'm sorry Mommy can't" to "0h yeah let's do that together!" Good change-off I think!👱&👸