HELP!!! What's Tea with this coping mechanism bs

[Naughty Glitter Goddess 645]

Christ on a cracker! I'm having gastric bypass surgery in 2 weeks after going through a 6 month weight loss program. Damn, I never thought I'd find myself here. I mean WTF? I am having my entire guts rearranged just to get my weight under control. Sometimes it just seems ridiculous.

So, grizzled veterans, what's the run down on your coping strategies? Do not tell me that you discovered a new-found love of exercise and that you just *like* go for a run when you are stressed and tired. For real, what are you doing?

I mean, we go to all these classes and dredge up all our bullshit so ALL THE THINGS are simmering just under the surface and then our coping mechanism is ripped out from under us at the same time. I feel like a battered and bruised ball of sensitivity after talking about and trying to deal with self image, denial, abuse, etc. Then, the one thing that has always been reliable, has always worked for me (temporarily!) is not the thing anymore. The glass of wine, the pint of ice cream, the latte and scone with your BFF, the lasagna at mom's, BUH-BYE!

I don't want to make it sound like I'm not doing the work; this is the first time in ages I've looked forward to the upcoming year. I've worked hard at breaking some of my worst habits: Fast food, eating in front of the TV, snacking after the kids go to bed - THE WORST ONE - checkity check! I've even lost 20 lbs because I'm fk-ing serious about this. But, damn, what now?

I can't help but wonder...will I ever find my healthy coping mechanisms?

Edited August 3, 2018 by Naughty Glitter Goddess
i don't know what i'm doing

[James Marusek 5,244]

It sounds like you are going through the pre-op jitters. Since you are at the beginning of this process, I would recommend three things.

1. Take a good before photograph of yourself, so that you have something to compare to after surgery. Many times we are blind to our obesity. We do not see ourselves. Therefore when the weight begins to drop off rather dramatically, we question if this is really happening. Photographs are a good visualization of our success. Many people carry a before and after photo with them, just to remind themselves of their success.

2. Walk 30 minutes each day, every day until surgery (or equivalent exercise). Walking helps the recovery process go smoothly and minimized the pain levels from surgery.

3. Wean yourself from caffeine and carbonated beverages now. After I gave up my 6 diet coke a day habit, I suffered from a week of severe withdrawal syndrome consisting of severe headaches and body aches. I was miserable. You don't want to combine the effects of caffeine withdrawal with the effects of surgery.

One of the interesting coping mechanisms that I found out about after surgery was shopping. I had to replace my entire wardrobe. That meant shopping and I am very good at bargain shopping. It was fun buying a shirt that was so tight that if I took a deep breath, I would pop a button and within a week it would fit me like a glove.

[Sadiebug 206]

Oh my gosh, reading your post was like I was reading something out of my brain just prior to my surgery! I had so many of the same emotions. Here's what I've done to cope post-op:

• for the first month or so after surgery I still had so many cravings and head-hunger and real hunger. And I was still well over 300 lbs so I wasn't able to "enjoy" the benefits of smaller clothes or being able to exercise or whatever. I got through with a lot of willpower, a lot of crying, a lot of yelling at my poor husband and a few days of throwing up because I tried to "eat" my feelings and made myself sick.
• After a month or so I was able to see the number on the scale consistently moving down in a way I had never managed before and I used that number to help get me through the harder times. I also lost my hunger from around months 2-6. This was something I could never wrap my head around pre-surgery - but it really does happen. So, I might have wanted food to cope but nothing sounded good, nothing tasted good and it just wasn't worth it.
• From about 6 months on I was finally able to find other coping mechanisms. One of them for me is exercise - but I had to try and lot of stuff to find something I really enjoy (spin classes). I still hate running, don't really love walking, hate the gym...but I do it because I have to. I also play with my dogs, sew, crochet, work puzzles, watch TV, play games on my ipad. My husband and I enjoy going to concerts now and travelling more because I fit in the seats much better and am able to be more active.
• now that I'm 18 months I still have days where I want to turn to food but fear of regain stops me nearly every time. I just don't want to go back to what I was dealing with at 350 lbs.
• I also journal a LOT. I started during my 6 month pre-op visits and have continued it every single day. When I have bad days I go back and read previous entries to see how I was feeling and how far I've come.

Pre-op one thing that helped me were to make a list of all of the things I disliked about being 350 lbs - not fitting in chairs, not being able to walk up a flight of stairs, not being able to find clothes that fit. I also made a list of things I was looking forward to when I lost weight - buying clothes in a normal store, being able to walk to lunch with my co-workers, not walking into a room and being the biggest person, going to a football game and not being heavier than most of the players on the field. Those lists helped me quite a bit along the way. Hang in there! You will get through it and you will find ways to cope. It's HARD but it is possible. Good luck!!!

[DaleCruse 756]

8 hours ago, Naughty Glitter Goddess said:

Then, the one thing that has always been reliable, has always worked for me (temporarily!) is not the thing anymore.

I'm going to respectfully challenge this entire premise. food hasn't worked FOR you (or me, or pretty much anyone). If it did work for you, you wouldn't pursue weight loss surgery. Instead, realize that food has been working AGAINST you. It's a huge source of stress for you.

The good news is you're soon going to set that huge source of stress aside. You're going to develop other, much more healthy, coping mechanisms. We don't know what that will be for you, but we'll be cheering you on as you discover it.

Good luck. You are not alone.

[Matt Z 4,139]

7 hours ago, Naughty Glitter Goddess said:

Christ on a cracker! I'm having gastric bypass surgery in 2 weeks after going through a 6 month weight loss program. Damn, I never thought I'd find myself here. I mean WTF? I am having my entire guts rearranged just to get my weight under control. Sometimes it just seems ridiculous.

So, grizzled veterans, what's the run down on your coping strategies? Do not tell me that you discovered a new-found love of exercise and that you just *like* go for a run when you are stressed and tired. For real, what are you doing?

I mean, we go to all these classes and dredge up all our bullshit so ALL THE THINGS are simmering just under the surface and then our coping mechanism is ripped out from under us at the same time. I feel like a battered and bruised ball of sensitivity after talking about and trying to deal with self image, denial, abuse, etc. Then, the one thing that has always been reliable, has always worked for me (temporarily!) is not the thing anymore. The glass of wine, the pint of ice cream, the latte and scone with your BFF, the lasagna at mom's, BUH-BYE!

I don't want to make it sound like I'm not doing the work; this is the first time in ages I've looked forward to the upcoming year. I've worked hard at breaking some of my worst habits: Fast food, eating in front of the TV, snacking after the kids go to bed - THE WORST ONE - checkity check! I've even lost 20 lbs because I'm fk-ing serious about this. But, damn, what now?

I can't help but wonder...will I ever find my healthy coping mechanisms?

I do love going to the gym... well, not the "going" part, but working out and the feeling you get from all the endorphins afterwards is quite a pleasing feeling. I know you said to not say that, but, it's true, for me anyway.

Now the rest here might start treading into some of that slippery slope junk but....
I still eat "ice cream", I just buy Halo Top "ice cream", super low calories for an "ice cream" lots of Protein and almost no sugar.

The trick is to find alternatives to the foods you ate and loved. For that Lasagna, it'll be a totally acceptable meal, just swap out the noodles for noodles made from veggies. Make sure the meat is a low fat version and then make it how you normally would. You'll be more than able to eat it that way. You'll be able to have wine down the road, your doctor might tell you 3 months, or 6 months or 12... some say "never"... but once you are healed up, if you can tolerate it, you can consume it. Just as long as you track the calories, etc

I've found that some cut strawberries and a banana makes a fantastic snack.< br /> I also keep Kay's Natural's protein Snacks around as well. Snacking is more than ok, just need to find those alternative items.

[Orchids&Dragons 9,047]

I'm only 5 months out, but for me, continuing to see a therapist while I'm transitioning is essential.

I still have lunch with my best friend nearly every weekend. There's always something on the menu I can order. But, if you really want that scone, order it. Eat 1/4 (You'll be full) and either save the leftovers or walk away knowing that they won't move onto your hips. Just make sure you log the calories. Logging is key. Order the latte without the sugar. Most places have sugar-free options. Or else, just get coffee and bring a vanilla or caramel Protein Shake to add to it for the "latte" part. You can still enjoy your time with your friends! I promise!

Something like Mom's lasagna - just eat the meat sauce & ricotta. Again, you will be full and really, the noodles don't add any flavor!

Hope this helps. You can do this!

[TakingABreak 2,733]

9 hours ago, Naughty Glitter Goddess said:

So, grizzled veterans, what's the run down on your coping strategies?

I cope by cleaning and organizing. My house has NEVER EVER been THIS clean EVER. I've never been a big gym person, but I don't mind getting elbow deep in my bathtub with some scrubbing bubbles. And I feel like I bust a sweat the same way as I do at the gym LOL.

[Sosewsue61 3,185]

If consuming food fixed my anxiety or problems, boy howdy!!! I would be a marketing genius. I can see the print ad now - 'You don't need therapy or a prescription - grab the Blue Bunny chocolate Swirl and melt away your anxiety.'

I am not mocking you, I used food to get away from feeling what I actually just needed to feel and examine. The food didn't fix anything, it was still right there and still needed solving, it didn't help me, it just made me fatter and LESS healthy, less happy about myself.

I struggle yet - not going to lie about it. I journal, I come to this forum, I vent to people I trust, I sew, I take a nap....and sometimes I still eat a cookie - but not even close to my previous use of food as a fixer. I dance. I am a square, contra, and round dancer - I danced way before I had surgery but I am much lighter on my feet now. Dancing is a great stress relief. I belong to a gym, but would not call myself a gym rat, nor do I use it to keep myself from eating - I use it to build muscle, hold my joints steady, gain flexibility.

You will need to figure yourself out, maybe with therapy or even some books, only you know what your problems are from or where they came from. And only you can fix them. Good luck. We are all a work in progress.

[GreenTealael 25,353]

Cocaine, everyone's really on coke lol
No really exercise does feel good, like energetic sex feels good, you'll see...

[Naughty Glitter Goddess 645]

10 hours ago, GreenTealael said:

Cocaine, everyone's really on coke lol
No really exercise does feel good, like energetic sex feels good, you'll see...

Now, better sex is definitely on the list of things I'm greatly looking forward to!

[Naughty Glitter Goddess 645]

15 hours ago, James Marusek said:

1. Take a good before photograph of yourself, so that you have something to compare to after surgery. Many times we are blind to our obesity. We do not see ourselves. Therefore when the weight begins to drop off rather dramatically, we question if this is really happening. Photographs are a good visualization of our success. Many people carry a before and after photo with them, just to remind themselves of their success.

2. Walk 30 minutes each day, every day until surgery (or equivalent exercise). Walking helps the recovery process go smoothly and minimized the pain levels from surgery.

Thank you, James! I did take a before photo of myself and I'm hoping it comes in handy because at this point, I can hardly stand to look at the damn thing!

[Naughty Glitter Goddess 645]

12 hours ago, Sosewsue61 said:

I struggle yet - not going to lie about it. I journal, I come to this forum, I vent to people I trust, I sew, I take a nap....and sometimes I still eat a cookie - but not even close to my previous use of food as a fixer. I dance. I am a square, contra, and round dancer - I danced way before I had surgery but I am much lighter on my feet now. Dancing is a great stress relief. I belong to a gym, but would not call myself a gym rat, nor do I use it to keep myself from eating - I use it to build muscle, hold my joints steady, gain flexibility.

You will need to figure yourself out, maybe with therapy or even some books, only you know what your problems are from or where they came from. And only you can fix them. Good luck. We are all a work in progress.

It sounds like you've really found some things that you enjoy. I'm still in the exploration phase I guess and it feels almost like a buzzer is about to go off and I'm caught without finishing my quiz Seriously though, I have not been participating enough in LIFE these past couple of years and reflecting on that is both sad and exciting. And, you are absolutely right about that therapy!

[Naughty Glitter Goddess 645]

14 hours ago, Sadiebug said:

Pre-op one thing that helped me were to make a list of all of the things I disliked about being 350 lbs - not fitting in chairs, not being able to walk up a flight of stairs, not being able to find clothes that fit. I also made a list of things I was looking forward to when I lost weight - buying clothes in a normal store, being able to walk to lunch with my co-workers, not walking into a room and being the biggest person, going to a football game and not being heavier than most of the players on the field. Those lists helped me quite a bit along the way. Hang in there! You will get through it and you will find ways to cope. It's HARD but it is possible. Good luck!!!

Man, you hit the nail on the head here. I did make a list of all the things that my weight was keeping me from enjoying back at the begining of this process several months ago. I'm going to revisit that tonight and hopefully brainstorm some things I can do as I'm recovering. My biggest goal is getting back to my travels - I haven't been overseas in ages because of airline seats. I can't wait to get back to it. I may actually get started planning that first trip for a year or two from now

[Naughty Glitter Goddess 645]

14 hours ago, DaleCruse said:

I'm going to respectfully challenge this entire premise. food hasn't worked FOR you (or me, or pretty much anyone). If it did work for you, you wouldn't pursue weight loss surgery. Instead, realize that food has been working AGAINST you. It's a huge source of stress for you.

The good news is you're soon going to set that huge source of stress aside. You're going to develop other, much more healthy, coping mechanisms. We don't know what that will be for you, but we'll be cheering you on as you discover it.

Good luck. You are not alone.

This entire thing, Dale. Seriously, thank you. I needed to hear all of that.

[Orchids&Dragons 9,047]

20 hours ago, GreenTealael said:

Cocaine, everyone's really on coke lol
No really exercise does feel good, like energetic sex feels good, you'll see...

No matter how hard I've worked out, I swear I have never met an endorphin! Might as well be a unicorn that farts rainbows!