Toxic relationship with food

[actuallylosingit 12]

I keep telling myself you eat to live. Not live to eat. I have eaten a snack while making a snack because it took too long. Eaten things just because it was there and didn't want someone else to have it. My car has been know to magically appear in the McDonald's drive through. Ordering multiple drinks so it didn't look like all of it was for me.

Growing up, you could not get up from the table until everything had been eaten. The glorified clean plate club... I don't remember what being full even feels like anymore; unless i'm already in pain from so much food. I have read so many terrible things that can happen from overeating post sleeve. I'm worried I wont recognize what full feels like and suffer the consequences. Any tells of when you feel full post sleeve?

I'm hesitant to talking to anyone about my toxic relationship with food. I don't want anything to hold me back from being eligible for the sleeve. I know it is essential for progress but I am desperate to get my life back. I have been overweight my entire life. The smallest I remember being was 180 in the 6th grade. In the past I stuck to diets until i lost a little weight and treated myself with food that i knew was terrible for me. Thus gaining the weight back plus more. I am determined to get healthy and to have inner me match outer me.

Any advice and/or suggestions?

[Born in Missouri 1,264]

Growing up, you could not get up from the table until everything had been eaten. The glorified clean plate club...

We called it "The Happy Plate". If you finished everything, that was a"happy" thing. You only got dessert if you had a happy plate. I'm sorry to say that I passed on this "noble" traditional to my children.

---------

I could feel the pain and sadness in every word of your post. For good or bad, you also have a "toxic" relationship with the English language. You're just too darn eloquent.

Why are you convinced that the sleeve, instead of the bypass, is for you? I'm biased, of course, but I'm also curious.

I wish I had something equally as eloquent to say in return. I guess I never had the foresight to buy multiple drinks in the drive-thru, though I did ask for two Big Macs and two fries in separate bags once.

The encouraging thing I see in your post is that for each "sin", you seem to have an inner plea for change and a determination to end this toxic relationship. You want to succeed but fear is holding you back. Is this a rational fear or a defensive and irrational one? By the latter, I mean you've already put up a defense of sorts by "pre-convincing" yourself that you won't be able to stop eating despite having surgery. Why, then, get the surgery, it won't work for me anyway? That's a defensive fear.

The person with whom you have the psych evaluation doesn't have to be the person you talk to about your relationship with food. That said, I don't think that merely having a toxic relationship with food precludes you from surgery. The psychologist wants to know if you are committed. Are you? You sound like you want to be free of the hold food has on you. It sounds as though there is a deep, but hidden urge to get healthy. That fear is blocking your urge to act. Deal with your fears first, so you can move on. Be your own self-advocate. Do what you would do for yourself if you were your own best friend. And you should be your best friend. I know that sounds corny, but it is often the turning point to action. Help your best friend; she needs you!

Lastly, you broke free of one fear already (to a certain extent anyway) by baring your soul here. So now that you're here, continue to use us. Misuse us. We don't care which, just keep talking. Hopefully, the feedback you receive will help you to make some life-changing decisions. If you've been lurking here for a while, you've no doubt read posts from people who think they're ready but who are trying to make bargains involving food before they even start. "I want to have surgery, but I still want to eat and do this." or "I'm okay with getting healthy, as long as I can keep doing certain unhealthy things." I don't want to reveal this post to you here, but I can private message it to you so you can see what I mean by a bargainer. You don't appear to be a bargainer to me. I think you're ready, by virtue of what you've said above, to put on and lace up your walking shoes. (I'd say running shoes but those come later.. Heck, I've had surgery and I'm far from running.)

I hope my words aren't too trite because I desperately want to say something --anything-- that is encouraging and meaningful to you, but if I continue to ramble on... well... I...uh...

Edited July 21, 2018 by Missouri-Lee's Summit

[Mattymatt 491]

4 hours ago, actuallylosingit said:

I keep telling myself you eat to live. Not live to eat. I have eaten a snack while making a snack because it took too long. Eaten things just because it was there and didn't want someone else to have it. My car has been know to magically appear in the McDonald's drive through. Ordering multiple drinks so it didn't look like all of it was for me.

Growing up, you could not get up from the table until everything had been eaten. The glorified clean plate club... I don't remember what being full even feels like anymore; unless i'm already in pain from so much food. I have read so many terrible things that can happen from overeating post sleeve. I'm worried I wont recognize what full feels like and suffer the consequences. Any tells of when you feel full post sleeve?

I'm hesitant to talking to anyone about my toxic relationship with food. I don't want anything to hold me back from being eligible for the sleeve. I know it is essential for progress but I am desperate to get my life back. I have been overweight my entire life. The smallest I remember being was 180 in the 6th grade. In the past I stuck to diets until i lost a little weight and treated myself with food that i knew was terrible for me. Thus gaining the weight back plus more. I am determined to get healthy and to have inner me match outer me.

Any advice and/or suggestions?

I am a former food addict. I say former because Gastric Bypass effectively cured the addiction. Much of the foods that I used to eat disgust me. For example: I used to go hog wild for pizza, wings, and fries, and not only can I no longer eat them, but just the smell is enough to make me nauseous. It could very well be that your relationship to food will take a 180 degree turn. I really and truly eat to live now. At times I miss being able to wolf down an entire large pizza but those moments are usually short-lived once I remember I was 366 and dangerously diabetic. Now I am a much better 294 and only have 104 pounds left to lose. This looks a lot more surmountable than the 176 when I first began.

A psychologist once told me that people generally don't reach the weights that we get too that don't also have a terrible relationship to food. They almost make a basic assumption that you have a psychological issue with food. The psychologist with my program only looked for Bulemia or Anexoria because those two conditions could cause severe problems with weight loss surgery.

[sideeye 1,440]

11 hours ago, actuallylosingit said:

Any tells of when you feel full post sleeve?

Yeah, there are a lot. You'll go overboard a couple of times in the beginning and then lie on the couch thinking "THIS IS THE WORST" for about 20 minutes; pretty soon you'll be able to gauge when to stop eating to avoid that feeling. I'm 4.5 months in and a couple of days ago I had a forkful of salad halfway to my mouth when I suddenly said "Nope, done" and put the fork back down. It can be that decisive.

It's best not to drink Water or liquid while eating, but you might forget if you're at a restaurant and they serve it regardless. That's a more urgent "DONE" because the food in your stomach's a lot more Fluid and so you're extremely aware that... well, if you keep eating it might all come up.

Some people hiccup, some people burp or have other very solid tells. Mine is more just a realization that if I eat that next bite, I will feel a certain way, and I can decide whether or not to eat it since I know exactly what the consequence will be. And sometimes you get an assist from the food itself: ice cream, hot chocolate and other high fat/high sugar things now make me gassy, which naturally encourages me to eat very little of those things. So I still get to drink cocoa, just out of much smaller mugs.

One thing for me in particular has been getting a good variety of food in, but not being psychotic about limiting myself. I am now perfectly capable of taking one bite of a brownie at a conference and either thinking "this is not good" and binning it or thinking "this is not worth it" and doing the same. It is not the last brownie I will ever eat, so I can hold out for the high-quality stuff. Similarly, if I DO eat a high-quality brownie, I don't have to eat the whole thing - I can enjoy a much smaller portion. Your assessment of what you WANT to eat (and in what quantity) shifts dramatically.

[Frustr8 7,886]

Boy there are some heavy assessments in this thread and see to say,many resonate with me. I too heard,about Mr Happy Clean Plate, I also heard about "the children in ( enter 3rd world country) who would be happy to get these mashed potatoes, gravy and meat you are leaving on your plate" Most of the people from Third World countries I have met in my adult life got along fine without my,leftovers. But it was so firmly ingrained that as a mother I finished up the leftovers if there wasn't enough to save for another meal and I did it without thinking. But at this late stage I can look back and say " OMG why did I do that?" But I thought this was the right thing to do and else I did do it. I have had a dumpster full of emotional baggage to dispose of. But I am going to rise above it, I am going to take back control of my life, appetite isn't going to control me, family,isn't going to control me and most,important, faithless easy come- easy go food isn't going to control me. This is my last best chance to live, live victorious and I am not going to waste it. It may be the hardest, most tear-laden thing I have ever done, but with all of my strength I AM GOING TO DO IT!😛👍🌈

[actuallylosingit 12]

On 07/21/2018 at 07:30, Missouri-Lee's Summit said:

Growing up, you could not get up from the table until everything had been eaten. The glorified clean plate club...

We called it "The Happy Plate". If you finished everything, that was a"happy" thing. You only got dessert if you had a happy plate. I'm sorry to say that I passed on this "noble" traditional to my children.

---------

I could feel the pain and sadness in every word of your post. For good or bad, you also have a "toxic" relationship with the English language. You're just too darn eloquent.

Why are you convinced that the sleeve, instead of the bypass, is for you? I'm biased, of course, but I'm also curious.

I wish I had something equally as eloquent to say in return. I guess I never had the foresight to buy multiple drinks in the drive-thru, though I did ask for two Big Macs and two fries in separate bags once.

The encouraging thing I see in your post is that for each "sin", you seem to have an inner plea for change and a determination to end this toxic relationship. You want to succeed but fear is holding you back. Is this a rational fear or a defensive and irrational one? By the latter, I mean you've already put up a defense of sorts by "pre-convincing" yourself that you won't be able to stop eating despite having surgery. Why, then, get the surgery, it won't work for me anyway? That's a defensive fear.

The person with whom you have the psych evaluation doesn't have to be the person you talk to about your relationship with food. That said, I don't think that merely having a toxic relationship with food precludes you from surgery. The psychologist wants to know if you are committed. Are you? You sound like you want to be free of the hold food has on you. It sounds as though there is a deep, but hidden urge to get healthy. That fear is blocking your urge to act. Deal with your fears first, so you can move on. Be your own self-advocate. Do what you would do for yourself if you were your own best friend. And you should be your best friend. I know that sounds corny, but it is often the turning point to action. Help your best friend; she needs you!

Lastly, you broke free of one fear already (to a certain extent anyway) by baring your soul here. So now that you're here, continue to use us. Misuse us. We don't care which, just keep talking. Hopefully, the feedback you receive will help you to make some life-changing decisions. If you've been lurking here for a while, you've no doubt read posts from people who think they're ready but who are trying to make bargains involving food before they even start. "I want to have surgery, but I still want to eat and do this." or "I'm okay with getting healthy, as long as I can keep doing certain unhealthy things." I don't want to reveal this post to you here, but I can private message it to you so you can see what I mean by a bargainer. You don't appear to be a bargainer to me. I think you're ready, by virtue of what you've said above, to put on and lace up your walking shoes. (I'd say running shoes but those come later.. Heck, I've had surgery and I'm far from running.)

I hope my words aren't too trite because I desperately want to say something --anything-- that is encouraging and meaningful to you, but if I continue to ramble on... well... I...uh...

I am leaving towards the sleeve because it helps with the Vitamins and absorption so to say. My doctor said he thought i would be a good choice for me. Also my nutritionist said that they average around the same weight after five years.

I’m just so tired of being tired. I just don’t know what to expect. The thought of being small is so foreign to me. It seems impossible. I have read so many threads about the new full feeling. I sit here thinking I don’t know what it’s like now and it kind of scares me to feel it again.

I watch people’s stories on you tube almost daily now. The psych evaluation worries me because I have seen people say they were denied after previously approved based off their future sessions.

There wasn’t any nutritional teachings at home growing up. Only grab a snack until you were full with no set meals. I do shakes and am trying meal prepping now and it’s hard but I’m getting there. Pinterest is a big help. Psychologically; anything exciting or worth being acknowledged growing up was always “You could do better. “ So I have so much self doubt. But I am determined to change my life.

Thank you so much for your kind words! I went back and fourth for probably an hour whether or not to post it. I also read a lot of people complaining of seeing the same questions repeated. I’m trying not to become one of those people haha. Please share I’m pretty new on here and don’t know how to private message. I have joined a gym close by. Now it’s finding the self discipline to set a day to go and stick to it. I know I feel so much better after I have exercised. So much more energy. If I could just get the nerve to not to care what people there think once I walk in.

[Born in Missouri 1,264]

Your post was far from repetitive. Everyone has a different story and your story was heartfelt and uniquely your own. I will send you a private message. Look for it in the upper right-hand corner of your screen. There are two overlapping word balloons up there next to Earth and a shopping cart. If you have a message, you will see a number in a pink square with white numbers. I will teach you some other features/functions, too.

Talk to you soon!

[sillykitty 10,774]

3 hours ago, sideeye said:

Yeah, there are a lot. You'll go overboard a couple of times in the beginning and then lie on the couch thinking "THIS IS THE WORST" for about 20 minutes; pretty soon you'll be able to gauge when to stop eating to avoid that feeling. I'm 4.5 months in and a couple of days ago I had a forkful of salad halfway to my mouth when I suddenly said "Nope, done" and put the fork back down. It can be that decisive.

One thing for me in particular has been getting a good variety of food in, but not being psychotic about limiting myself. I am now perfectly capable of taking one bite of a brownie at a conference and either thinking "this is not good" and binning it or thinking "this is not worth it" and doing the same. It is not the last brownie I will ever eat, so I can hold out for the high-quality stuff. Similarly, if I DO eat a high-quality brownie, I don't have to eat the whole thing - I can enjoy a much smaller portion. Your assessment of what you WANT to eat (and in what quantity) shifts dramatically.

I agree with this. I have learned my full feeling, and rarely overeat. Most recently was a month ago with a sushi roll. That was because the pieces were big, and of course it's awkward to take bites. So 2 1/2 pieces would have been perfect, 3 pieces was too much.

I also can just take one bite of something and be satisfied. I find no need to keep going back for it. For instance fries, bite of cake, chips and salsa, mac and cheese. It is truly so freeing.

[ScoutCR 126]

17 minutes ago, sillykitty said:

I agree with this. I have learned my full feeling, and rarely overeat. Most recently was a month ago with a sushi roll. That was because the pieces were big, and of course it's awkward to take bites. So 2 1/2 pieces would have been perfect, 3 pieces was too much.

I also can just take one bite of something and be satisfied. I find no need to keep going back for it. For instance fries, bite of cake, chips and salsa, mac and cheese. It is truly so freeing.

So true! I know in my head that I am done and yet I take one bite, literally 1 bite more than I should and am I am in agony. I always loved shrimp before surgery but now they are my go to meat (they are not really meat), low in calories and good Protein and last night I had 1 shrimp too many and I paid the price. Gotta start listening to my head, 6-7 shrimp are good 8-10 are too many.

[actuallylosingit 12]

On 07/21/2018 at 07:55, Mattymatt said:

I am a former food addict. I say former because Gastric Bypass effectively cured the addiction. Much of the foods that I used to eat disgust me. For example: I used to go hog wild for pizza, wings, and fries, and not only can I no longer eat them, but just the smell is enough to make me nauseous. It could very well be that your relationship to food will take a 180 degree turn. I really and truly eat to live now. At times I miss being able to wolf down an entire large pizza but those moments are usually short-lived once I remember I was 366 and dangerously diabetic. Now I am a much better 294 and only have 104 pounds left to lose. This looks a lot more surmountable than the 176 when I first began.

A psychologist once told me that people generally don't reach the weights that we get too that don't also have a terrible relationship to food. They almost make a basic assumption that you have a psychological issue with food. The psychologist with my program only looked for Bulemia or Anexoria because those two conditions could cause severe problems with weight loss surgery.

That is great to hear. I love the idea of having the foods I like the most and are the worst for me to become unappealing. Great job that is awesome progress!!!

True statement. Also I didn’t know they looked for such disorders. But it makes perfect sense

[actuallylosingit 12]

On 07/21/2018 at 14:18, sideeye said:

Yeah, there are a lot. You'll go overboard a couple of times in the beginning and then lie on the couch thinking "THIS IS THE WORST" for about 20 minutes; pretty soon you'll be able to gauge when to stop eating to avoid that feeling. I'm 4.5 months in and a couple of days ago I had a forkful of salad halfway to my mouth when I suddenly said "Nope, done" and put the fork back down. It can be that decisive.

It's best not to drink Water or liquid while eating, but you might forget if you're at a restaurant and they serve it regardless. That's a more urgent "DONE" because the food in your stomach's a lot more Fluid and so you're extremely aware that... well, if you keep eating it might all come up.

Some people hiccup, some people burp or have other very solid tells. Mine is more just a realization that if I eat that next bite, I will feel a certain way, and I can decide whether or not to eat it since I know exactly what the consequence will be. And sometimes you get an assist from the food itself: ice cream, hot chocolate and other high fat/high sugar things now make me gassy, which naturally encourages me to eat very little of those things. So I still get to drink cocoa, just out of much smaller mugs.

One thing for me in particular has been getting a good variety of food in, but not being psychotic about limiting myself. I am now perfectly capable of taking one bite of a brownie at a conference and either thinking "this is not good" and binning it or thinking "this is not worth it" and doing the same. It is not the last brownie I will ever eat, so I can hold out for the high-quality stuff. Similarly, if I DO eat a high-quality brownie, I don't have to eat the whole thing - I can enjoy a much smaller portion. Your assessment of what you WANT to eat (and in what quantity) shifts dramatically.

Thank you! Those are great tells for me to look for.

I love the idea of holding out for “high-quality” foods. I know I’m the past I’ve tasted things that weren’t great but ate anyway just because they were there. That’s a great way to look at it.

[actuallylosingit 12]

On 07/21/2018 at 15:34, Frustr8 said:

Boy there are some heavy assessments in this thread and see to say,many resonate with me. I too heard,about Mr Happy Clean Plate, I also heard about "the children in ( enter 3rd world country) who would be happy to get these mashed potatoes, gravy and meat you are leaving on your plate" Most of the people from Third World countries I have met in my adult life got along fine without my,leftovers. But it was so firmly ingrained that as a mother I finished up the leftovers if there wasn't enough to save for another meal and I did it without thinking. But at this late stage I can look back and say " OMG why did I do that?" But I thought this was the right thing to do and else I did do it. I have had a dumpster full of emotional baggage to dispose of. But I am going to rise above it, I am going to take back control of my life, appetite isn't going to control me, family,isn't going to control me and most,important, faithless easy come- easy go food isn't going to control me. This is my last best chance to live, live victorious and I am not going to waste it. It may be the hardest, most tear-laden thing I have ever done, but with all of my strength I AM GOING TO DO IT!😛👍🌈

Exactly! I too have been told about the “third world countries. “ Taking back control over my life is such a huge goal for me. I don’t think I’ve ever fully been in control. I love how you put that and will use that mind set

[actuallylosingit 12]

On 7/21/2018 at 6:40 PM, ScoutCR said:

So true! I know in my head that I am done and yet I take one bite, literally 1 bite more than I should and am I am in agony. I always loved shrimp before surgery but now they are my go to meat (they are not really meat), low in calories and good Protein and last night I had 1 shrimp too many and I paid the price. Gotta start listening to my head, 6-7 shrimp are good 8-10 are too many.

I need to get used to the idea that so little makes so much difference.

[macadamia 591]

I was raised to clean my plate too. I do not have an issue with cleaning my plate. My issue is with the portion size. Had my parents taught me Portion Control, I may not have been as big as I am. I was taught to eat what I took when we would have family get-togethers. My dad's side of the family is all farmers so "healthy" appetites are good. My uncle used to say I had a hollow leg because I could eat so much as a kid. Well, never having learned portion control and having it ingrained in me to clean my plate, I learned early on to overeat. As I got older, I just kept packing on the pounds. Well, for me, enough is enough.

[Frustr8 7,886]

And what kind of relationship pre-surgery did you have with food and how has it changed now?