I don’t want to be “that guy”

[Sweedfire86 29]

I come to you all today wondering if anyone is or has experienced with I am currently experiencing. I know that they call Bariatric surgery “the divorce surgery.” I am 5 weeks post op and lately I have found myself less interested in my fiancé. It’s from nothing she herself has done, I am just not feeling it right now. I am realizing how distant I have been lately and I have not been communicating at all. I feel badly about it because I know it is effecting her emotionally. I just can’t seem to get out of this mood. I know the response from some of you will be “You need to seek a therapist”, I do have a therapist and I have an appointment to discuss this. I am just wondering who has experienced this and what they have done to deal with it.

6’3”
HW: 375
SW: 338
CW: 305
G: 250

[GreenTealael 25,439]

Can just be hormones ,or it can be she reminds you of the old you and you now have the urge to clean house so to speak. Sometimes we settle for who we think we deserve, then we want to move on when we think we can finally be allowed to deserve more. Really think about it before you do anything , don't rush. Think about the entire relationship then really talk to her. She deserves honesty if nothing more. Safe journey

[Sleeved36 356]

Tealael is right, it could be the hormones.

This is a tough process in every way. Can make you want to change every area of your life.

Is your fiance a nice person that treats you well? If so, don't make any rash decisions.

However, if she is rude to you or others and you think you can do better . . . . Happy hunting!

[GreenTealael 25,439]

https://www.bariatricpal.com/applications/tapatalk/index.php?/topic/417641-2018-Study:-Unexpected-changes-after-weight-loss-surgery

VSG2017 HW 249 SW 238 CW 167

[BostonWLKC 807]

Definitely can be hormones. Don’t make any decision for a few months and see where you are then. Everything at your stage is up on end emotionally for a while

Good luck

[Born in Missouri 1,264]

@Sweedfire86 It's not just you. There seems to be something more to it.

[Creekimp13 5,840]

Lot of people struggle with relationships after bariatric surgery because it's a time of tremendous change in their lives.

Sometimes, we find our partners have incompatible eating and recreation habits...when you're working your arse off to clean up your diet.....it can be really hard to be with someone who can't feel like they've had fun unless it involves carnival food, McNuggets, or spending half the night drinking and eating bar food. A change of food culture, in itself, can cause a rift when one partners habits change dramatically.

There's a lot of personal change that can happen as well. When people start to improve their weight and health, it can have a snowball effect. Losing weight might give you more confidence, more energy, more ambition to reclaim lost interests and goals. It might also set a new dynamic of outspokenness in a relationship. A partner who used to silently go along to get along might start speaking up for themselves. A partner who used to shy away from sex might find more of an appetite for it, or vice versa. A person might want more, or something different from their partner....and that isn't limited to the superficial.

Divorce statistics are high because people do change their minds....no bariatric surgery needed. People do grow in different directions and become toxic to each other. Sometimes these splits are healthy and for the best. Changing your mind about a relationship doesn't make you a dog, it makes you human. OP isn't even married, yet. Engagements OFTEN end in a split, and it's ok and sometimes very healthy when they do.

The OP is very responsibly talking to his therapist about this issue. He's concerned about hurting someone whose feelings clearly matter to him. He's reaching out to peers for support.

He's not "a dog" and he shouldn't be abused here for expressing his truth.

[Sleeved36 356]

22 minutes ago, Creekimp13 said:

The OP is very responsibly talking to his therapist about this issue. He's concerned about hurting someone whose feelings clearly matter to him. He's reaching out to peers for support.

He's not "a dog" and he shouldn't be abused here for expressing his truth.

Did I miss something? When did anyone say he was a dog?

OP: I just want you to think carefully before you do anything drastic. It would be terrible if you destroyed a good relationship bc you are in an emotional state postop. You might start dating again and realize she was wonderful.

But I don't know you or your fiance, maybe you guys breaking up is long overdue. Maybe she is toxic and negative person and you are better off without her.

Only you can decide . . . . We all deserve to be treated well, that goes for both you and her.

[GreenTealael 25,439]

Did I miss something? When did anyone say he was a dog?
OP: I just want you to think carefully before you do anything drastic. It would be terrible if you destroyed a good relationship bc you are in an emotional state postop. You might start dating again and realize she was wonderful.
But I don't know you or your fiance, maybe you guys breaking up is long overdue. Maybe she is toxic and negative person and you are better off without her.
Only you can decide . . . . We all deserve to be treated well, that goes for both you and her.

Yes but the post was edited to remove the content

VSG2017 HW 249 SW 238 CW 167

[Sleeved36 356]

Ahh. . .

Well, I like to give people the benefit of the doubt. But that might be true too 😉

[Creekimp13 5,840]

If a woman had written the OP using the exact same words, no one would have called her character into question or been abusive to her.

Edited July 21, 2018 by Creekimp13

[Sleeved36 356]

Chill out Creek!

See the wink emoji?

And don't get on a high horse about being abusive. You like to start sh*t all the time.

[MIZ60 1,291]

Marriage is challenging enough even when you are 100% sure you are making the right choice and deeply love your partner....the purpose of an engagement (IMHO) is to continue to evaluate the relationship and and your feelings about your spouse to be. Much better to get it out there and make that decision now than go through with something your heart and head is not 100% committed to. If you are not feeling it before the wedding you are not going to be feeling it after. Many people make the mistake of getting married to fix things.

Your weight loss may or may not have changed the dynamics between you and your fiancé. Only you and she really know that. Time to put the cards on the table and discuss your feelings openly. You are doing a lot to make yourself healthier (body, mind and spirit) and those changes should improve all your relationships unless they are unhealthy to start with.

Before my husband and I got married almost 34 years ago we went to a series of counseling sessions with our pastor (who also had a PhD in psychology and previously worked as a therapist) that really made us look very closely at our relationship and the various dynamics and expectations. Some of it was hard but it strengthened our commitment.

I called off my previous engagement/wedding 5 weeks before the date. It was terribly difficult and expensive but in retrospect it was the right decision.

Best wishes to you!!

Edited July 21, 2018 by MIZ60

[Sweedfire86 29]

Thank you all for the advice.