Do we really forgive if we can't forget?

[gadgetlady 4]

I think forgiveness is all about whether you have the ability to give up holding something against someone. If you plan to "call" the person on their actions in the future, in many ways you haven't really forgiven them. However, that's very different from forgetting. You can certainly forgive, in the sense that you're not holding the offense against them, but also not forget, in the sense that you're wary of whether their behavior will change in the future.

Practically, as this plays out in my life, God taught me long ago that there are very few offenses of which I am not capable. Because of His grace, mercy, and compassion, I have the ability to give a measure of that grace, mercy, and compassion to others. I am therefore an extremely forgiving person, to the point that I often forget even extreme offenses. This often shocks my family and friends ("Don't you remember what ___ did to you?????"). If the person is not repentant, I won't easily forget (primarily because they still hold the grudge against ME and it interferes with our relationship), but I do still forgive. I feel like their inability to forgive is something they have to deal with every day, and that just leads me to feel more compassion, grace, and mercy.

Does that make sense?

[catzintj 1]

the definition of mercy is NOT GETTING WHAT I DESERVE. forgiveness is a form of mercy. grace is getting what WE DONT DESERVE. the ultimate form of unconditional love is forgiveness. it is hard to ask for forgiveness, but much easier to forgive....... i see the love of god in the eyes of the man who has been forgiven and the man whom has forgiven.... to forgive , i must love as god loves me. what a beautiful thing....

i think of all the things ive done in my past that have caused harm to others, mostly due to a lack of compassion on my part due to my youth, when i put the focus on my shortcomings and improving myself, it makes it easier to forgive . we are human and not perfect... the goal for me is to stay in the efforts department... god is in the results department. my favorite scipture in the bible is LOVE NEVER FAILS... no matter what the wrong, love is the answer....... this is my personal belief....

[ELENATION 0]

I think that everyone is different in how they forgive. I know for me I can forgive and forget, bit it takes me a long time to do so. I've learned to just let it go, and forgive the person no matter what, because if you hold onto it-it will eat away at you. Why hold onto whatever pain or misery the person or people caused you when they are off feeling free not giving a damn what they've done to you.

You are so right.......... but like you, it takes me a long time.....and I wish it wouldn't....

[ELENATION 0]

I have a bit of a different take on this issue. The first time I heard this concept I thought it was a bunch of whooey but after I really thought about it, it kinda makes sense to me.

I think that for the most part people do the best they can for that particular moment. If they could have done better, they would have done better.

All of our experiences from the past create who we are today. Sometimes that's a lot of baggage for some folks to carry around and it takes time to work through that. Maybe they did something bad or wrong, but isn't it a reasonable thing to suggest that if they could have done better at that very moment, they would have? Life is a huge learning experience, a really really huge one. We are testing the waters with each move we make. As we learn, we do better. As we accept the consequences of any experience (good or bad) we usually do better.

How many times have you regretted "X" action? So why didn't you do better and why did you do "X" action? You knew it was wrong when you did it, that's what makes it wrong. So why didn't you do better?

If you could have, you would have. But something got in the way. Ego, anger, frustration, pride, revenge, something. So you learn from it and move on.

I can understand that and I can put myself in someone's shoes and that helps me forgive , but say it's someone that has done you wrong more than once and twice and that same person you see that is doing the same to others all the time, so in cases like that, I start having big problems forgiving...

[ELENATION 0]

I bear grudges for ages. Sometimes I don't forgive or forget. I even remember small slights. I try to think of spiteful ways to get even. But I am often pleasant to their faces.

wow....the thing is that it's tought to live our lives keeping so much resentment... it's just not good for us, it's been said that it's not even good to our health, plus I don't think it's the right thing to do, not that I haven't felt that way some times.... I just keep trying to work on it until I can forgive, but it's hard, I understand...

[ELENATION 0]

I have always thought this quote put it best:

and I'm in the wise category of that quote....but I'm not comfortable with that... I think I should do better, I actually would like to be in the naive...hehehe..

[ELENATION 0]

Depends on a lot of different factors. Some people I will not forgive and feel no need to, but I will forget and not even think of that person again. To me they might as well not even exist. I don't have time in my life for resentment. Revenge will come in it's own time without any effort on my part.

If I love someone or have a close bond, I can forgive a lot. No one I have ever really cared about has harmed me enough to not forgive them.

I have a brother I would like to forget, but I have to deal with him because of our Mother. When she is gone, I will definitly distance myself from him, but will not spend a lot of time thinking about him in one way or another.

So the short answer is all of the above. I can forgive and forget, forgive and not forget, and just plain forget.

Hey, different take and very interesting... my thing is I want to be able to feel good about what I'm doing ....the way I'm forgetting... I want it to feel good inside...maybe I'm just silly....lol! and believe me, sometimes I can't do it....

[ELENATION 0]

I'm not great at forgiving. On one end, it takes sooo much to get to "need forgiveness" status, that few would be likely to get there. On the other end, outside of my husband and immediate family, people just aren't that important to me, so if someone did get to that status, it would be nothing for me to be completely done with them and never look back.

I don't think forgive is a separate action. I think forgiving is reaching a decision that something the person or situation has to offer is greater than your resentment or hurt or <insert emotion of choice> at having to endure it.

And really, I'm not sure people forget. I've seen people hurt by things, who live just fine 20 years, and *bam* along comes that trigger and everything is right there again, just like it happened yesterday.

I can do that to an extent, if the offense is minot, no problem! or if the source is someone I probably won't see again, no problem...

But if it's a major offense that caused me major pain and it came from someone that I cared for that pretty much betrayed me, then I have a problem, I don't take much personally either, but there are some things that one must just take personally because it was intended that way when it was said or done to us... and in those cases, it's hard for me to let go and/or just never talk to that person again and forget the whole thing.... I have a problem with that, I feel the need to know in my heart that I DO forgive that person and that I don't feel resentment anymore, and if I don't have to keep in touch with them, that's ok, but I still feel the need to feel ok with myself... I guess people do matter to me... at least most...

[ELENATION 0]

I'm exactly the same, very little gets me really riled or offended in the first place and I'm also quick and realistic about my own role in anything that's happened.

If Doug were to cheat on me once, I could forgive that, but not forget it. But forgiveness doesnt mean to me to put something out of your mind forever, it means to move past it.

But it depends how much the person matters to you in the first place, some people have to do very little to be written off in my mind as idiots. There's a few around the traps here lately that could claim that prize. When you think that its only onlike stuff and what the hell does it matter, that's bizarre - that I could forgive an infidelity but will hold a grudge about a stupid comment or an outlook I disagree with, but there it is.

So I'm pretty open minded and forgiving, but can be petty at the same time.

So Laurend, I agree entirely, its exactly how I look at it too.

interesting... I don't care about the small things or disagreements, they may bother me at the moment, but 15 minutes later I'm over it, it's the big things that get to me... I saw an Oprah show where this lady's little girl was killed by a gang member, it had happened a year ago or so, she was still crying and devastated, I could see that, but she said that she forgave the man that killed her daughter, she even went to the prison and spoke to him and hugged him and told him that he forgave him.... the guy cried too, maybe he was sorry, who knows... I admire that lady, but I don't know I could do that.... she gave reasons why she was forgiving him, religious belief was one of the reasons and some other reasons, but she said that she felt so much better after she forgave him because the resentment was eating her alive...now, my children mean to me more than my own life, how could I forgive that man? maybe I should, but I know it would be so, so hard, it seems actually impossible right now, I guess I would have to be in her shoes... who knows...

[ELENATION 0]

I gave up on the concept of forgiving years ago. I just don't feel I have the power to "forgive" someone and make everything all ok for them. If the person has wronged me, and wants to make it right, they will reach out - we can talk and move on. If they don't reach out, then I accept that their actions are their burden to live with and not mine. It took me a long time to realize that the only thing I have control of in this life are my actions and reactions. God has the power to forgive, not me. Maybe it's a cop-out for me, I don't know. It's easier for me to follow Buddhist teachings in some respects. Interesting discussion....

yeah, interesting....

you said If the person has wronged me, and wants to make it right, they will reach out - we can talk and move on

Isn't that forgiving anyway... at least somewhat.. oh gee, this is complicated...

[ELENATION 0]

To me the notion 'to forgive' means that in SPITE of my being unable to 'forget' I will manage somehow to adapt my behavior to the point whatever it is I 'forgive' means my own response no longer is the big part of that issue.

That my cousin in 1952 'did something' that changed my behavior and/or feelings toward him for a LONG time but eventually no longer mattered, is different that 'forgetting' about it, like those little times you did something good for someone and told them to 'forget' it....you may have but it may have changed their whole day because of a little kindness...that you yourself 'forgot'...

The burdens of life are heavier if we don't 'forgive'...and there are some things that make life more joyous if we do (or DON'T) 'forget'...

Very good point....

[ELENATION 0]

The book of John tells us we must forgive to be Forgiven .Not an easy thing to do , It doesn't say forget talk to or ever see that person again. You can treat that person like a stranger I know I had a person wrong one of my children . I am still working on it. But one day I hope to be able not to think of this person with out hate . God will help me thourgh it Paul k

I like to hear this.... I know I can definitely forgive, but I don't have the desire to be nice or even be close to that person sometimes and Ithought that mean that I'm still holding a grudge, but really, it doesn't have to mean that... so maybe it's possible to really forgive without forgetting, but just letting go.... thank you.

[ELENATION 0]

I think forgiveness is all about whether you have the ability to give up holding something against someone. If you plan to "call" the person on their actions in the future, in many ways you haven't really forgiven them. However, that's very different from forgetting. You can certainly forgive, in the sense that you're not holding the offense against them, but also not forget, in the sense that you're wary of whether their behavior will change in the future.

Practically, as this plays out in my life, God taught me long ago that there are very few offenses of which I am not capable. Because of His grace, mercy, and compassion, I have the ability to give a measure of that grace, mercy, and compassion to others. I am therefore an extremely forgiving person, to the point that I often forget even extreme offenses. This often shocks my family and friends ("Don't you remember what ___ did to you?????"). If the person is not repentant, I won't easily forget (primarily because they still hold the grudge against ME and it interferes with our relationship), but I do still forgive. I feel like their inability to forgive is something they have to deal with every day, and that just leads me to feel more compassion, grace, and mercy.

Does that make sense?

It makes sense to me, but I admit that I haven't reached that point.... but I would like to..

[ELENATION 0]

the definition of mercy is NOT GETTING WHAT I DESERVE. forgiveness is a form of mercy. grace is getting what WE DONT DESERVE. the ultimate form of unconditional love is forgiveness. it is hard to ask for forgiveness, but much easier to forgive....... i see the love of god in the eyes of the man who has been forgiven and the man whom has forgiven.... to forgive , i must love as god loves me. what a beautiful thing....

i think of all the things ive done in my past that have caused harm to others, mostly due to a lack of compassion on my part due to my youth, when i put the focus on my shortcomings and improving myself, it makes it easier to forgive . we are human and not perfect... the goal for me is to stay in the efforts department... god is in the results department. my favorite scipture in the bible is LOVE NEVER FAILS... no matter what the wrong, love is the answer....... this is my personal belief....

What you said is beautiful and it touches me greatly because I'm a Christian and I honestly would like to feel that way in my heart one day, I think it's a good thing, but I have to work on it... I do notice that I've become better at forgiving now that I'm 45 and am more mature...so I hope to be even better with this at times goes by, it just seems the right way of being to me... I'm not saying that It's the right way to be for everyone, but just for me and it bothers me that I can't do it yet... good for you!

[nina874 48]

Forgive.... I am more of a believer in Karma myself, I truely believe in what goes around.

That said if anyone ever harmed one of my children.....could I forgive a child molester....nope not a chance.

I can forgive hurt that is inflicted on me far more easily than I can hurt that is inflicted on someone that I love, my rage is always greater when I am protecting my loved ones.

I forgive my mother for being an alchoholic, I understand what lead her down that path and feel a great deal of sadness and compassion whenever I think of her, but I will never forget that she was one...how could I ???

I think that you can remember without holding a grudge, but still learn from the lesson.

Other times it is almost a duty NOT to forget, if the person concerned has no remorse and will happily commit the same offense again and again, then it is our duty to protect others from them. It depends on the severity, what exactly they did to need forgivness for.

I have noticed that people who are unpleasant in whatever way, eventually will come up against a situation more unpleasant than them, and then the karmic balance is restored, sometimes karma needs a gentle prod but that is normally all it takes.

Mostly I just cut out people that do unforgivable things, I am more of a 'if the family dog bites me it goes to the pound so it can never threaten my kids' kind of person.

Nina x