Do we really forgive if we can't forget?

[ELENATION 0]

Hey guys,

As some of you probably know from previous posts, I'm Christian, but I admit that I'm far from being a perfect one, gee, I have too many faults to even count...! all I'm doing is trying to be a better person, but believe me, sometimes I fail and I just try again.... actually in my opinion as long as you keep trying to be a decent kind hearted person, that's what counts..

Anywho, I struggle with forgiveness, I have the best intentions to forgive when someone has done wrong to me, and I say to myself, I forgive such person for what she/he did to me, and I'm talking about major hurt, not just some small issue... but deep inside I don't feel as if I'm REALLY forgiving.... I have a hard time forgetting the issue as well, I do pray about it, but still, that feeling doesn't go away easily... I've also heard that we don't truly forgive if we don't forget....

I just wish I could better at this....

Do you guys struggle with this?:omg:

Thanks for reading,

Later,

Elena

[anonemouse 1]

Hey guys,

As some of you probably know from previous posts, I'm Christian, but I admit that I'm far from being a perfect one, gee, I have too many faults to even count...! all I'm doing is trying to be a better person, but believe me, sometimes I fail and I just try again.... actually in my opinion as long as you keep trying to be a decent kind hearted person, that's what counts..

Anywho, I struggle with forgiveness, I have the best intentions to forgive when someone has done wrong to me, and I say to myself, I forgive such person for what she/he did to me, and I'm talking about major hurt, not just some small issue... but deep inside I don't feel as if I'm REALLY forgiving.... I have a hard time forgetting the issue as well, I do pray about it, but still, that feeling doesn't go away easily... I've also heard that we don't truly forgive if we don't forget....

I just wish I could better at this....

Do you guys struggle with this?:omg:

Thanks for reading,

Later,

Elena

Well, this will probably ramble a bit, since I'm thinking as I type, but here goes....

I personally feel that it is possible to forgive, even if you don't forget. But I also feel that there are some things that should never be forgiven. Does that make sense? I think that feeling a different way about someone after a betrayal or hurt or whatever doesn't mean that you haven't forgiven them. It just means that you've learned from the past. The example I always give is of a dog biting you. After he bites you, you may treat him with all the love and attention that you did before he bit you (essentially, you've forgiven him), but you don't let that knowledge leave your mind.

[ELENATION 0]

Well, this will probably ramble a bit, since I'm thinking as I type, but here goes....

I personally feel that it is possible to forgive, even if you don't forget. But I also feel that there are some things that should never be forgiven. Does that make sense? I think that feeling a different way about someone after a betrayal or hurt or whatever doesn't mean that you haven't forgiven them. It just means that you've learned from the past. The example I always give is of a dog biting you. After he bites you, you may treat him with all the love and attention that you did before he bit you (essentially, you've forgiven him), but you don't let that knowledge leave your mind.

Yeah, it does make much, much sense! and I also thought that it was ok to forgive without forgetting... but it seems to me that unless I can forget it, I can't let go of the resentment...which is not forgiving...I think...

For some reason I just feel (personally) that the way I forgive is just not right... not completely sincere...

But then again, what you said makes sense, the way you feel after a betrayal is sort of learning from your past... I guess I'm rambling too...

[SlimTarnishedDiva 1]

I think that everyone is different in how they forgive. I know for me I can forgive and forget, bit it takes me a long time to do so. I've learned to just let it go, and forgive the person no matter what, because if you hold onto it-it will eat away at you. Why hold onto whatever pain or misery the person or people caused you when they are off feeling free not giving a damn what they've done to you.

[WASaBubbleButt 41]

I have a bit of a different take on this issue. The first time I heard this concept I thought it was a bunch of whooey but after I really thought about it, it kinda makes sense to me.

I think that for the most part people do the best they can for that particular moment. If they could have done better, they would have done better.

All of our experiences from the past create who we are today. Sometimes that's a lot of baggage for some folks to carry around and it takes time to work through that. Maybe they did something bad or wrong, but isn't it a reasonable thing to suggest that if they could have done better at that very moment, they would have? Life is a huge learning experience, a really really huge one. We are testing the waters with each move we make. As we learn, we do better. As we accept the consequences of any experience (good or bad) we usually do better.

How many times have you regretted "X" action? So why didn't you do better and why did you do "X" action? You knew it was wrong when you did it, that's what makes it wrong. So why didn't you do better?

If you could have, you would have. But something got in the way. Ego, anger, frustration, pride, revenge, something. So you learn from it and move on.

[ingyrob 1]

I bear grudges for ages. Sometimes I don't forgive or forget. I even remember small slights. I try to think of spiteful ways to get even. But I am often pleasant to their faces.

[DerickM 1]

I have always thought this quote put it best:

The stupid neither forgive nor forget; the naive forgive and forget; the wise forgive but do not forget.

[DerickM 1]

by the way, I am in the 'stupid' category of that quote. If someone has slighted me I am always on the lookout for revenge in some form.

[phyllisc 0]

Depends on a lot of different factors. Some people I will not forgive and feel no need to, but I will forget and not even think of that person again. To me they might as well not even exist. I don't have time in my life for resentment. Revenge will come in it's own time without any effort on my part.

If I love someone or have a close bond, I can forgive a lot. No one I have ever really cared about has harmed me enough to not forgive them.

I have a brother I would like to forget, but I have to deal with him because of our Mother. When she is gone, I will definitly distance myself from him, but will not spend a lot of time thinking about him in one way or another.

So the short answer is all of the above. I can forgive and forget, forgive and not forget, and just plain forget.

[Wheetsin 714]

I'm not great at forgiving. On one end, it takes sooo much to get to "need forgiveness" status, that few would be likely to get there. On the other end, outside of my husband and immediate family, people just aren't that important to me, so if someone did get to that status, it would be nothing for me to be completely done with them and never look back.

I don't think forgive is a separate action. I think forgiving is reaching a decision that something the person or situation has to offer is greater than your resentment or hurt or <insert emotion of choice> at having to endure it.

And really, I'm not sure people forget. I've seen people hurt by things, who live just fine 20 years, and *bam* along comes that trigger and everything is right there again, just like it happened yesterday.

[anonemouse 1]

I'm not great at forgiving. On one end, it takes sooo much to get to "need forgiveness" status, that few would be likely to get there. On the other end, outside of my husband and immediate family, people just aren't that important to me, so if someone did get to that status, it would be nothing for me to be completely done with them and never look back.

I definitely agree with that. I usually just let things roll off my back, so it would take something major for me to actually need to forgive them for something (I don't take most things personally, I guess). Generally, if that does happen, the only people that I forgive are people that are important to me, and even then I don't forget. I catch flack on here, sometimes, because of it. Like you say, most people really just aren't important to me. I don't necessarily hold grudges, but I just disregard the person entirely if they hurt me. They don't exist to me anymore. I don't really care one way or another if they like me or not because it really doesn't affect me.

[Jachut 487]

I'm exactly the same, very little gets me really riled or offended in the first place and I'm also quick and realistic about my own role in anything that's happened.

If Doug were to cheat on me once, I could forgive that, but not forget it. But forgiveness doesnt mean to me to put something out of your mind forever, it means to move past it.

But it depends how much the person matters to you in the first place, some people have to do very little to be written off in my mind as idiots. There's a few around the traps here lately that could claim that prize. When you think that its only onlike stuff and what the hell does it matter, that's bizarre - that I could forgive an infidelity but will hold a grudge about a stupid comment or an outlook I disagree with, but there it is.

So I'm pretty open minded and forgiving, but can be petty at the same time.

So Laurend, I agree entirely, its exactly how I look at it too.

[Chelle B 0]

Hey guys,

As some of you probably know from previous posts, I'm Christian, but I admit that I'm far from being a perfect one, gee, I have too many faults to even count...! all I'm doing is trying to be a better person, but believe me, sometimes I fail and I just try again.... actually in my opinion as long as you keep trying to be a decent kind hearted person, that's what counts..

Anywho, I struggle with forgiveness, I have the best intentions to forgive when someone has done wrong to me, and I say to myself, I forgive such person for what she/he did to me, and I'm talking about major hurt, not just some small issue... but deep inside I don't feel as if I'm REALLY forgiving.... I have a hard time forgetting the issue as well, I do pray about it, but still, that feeling doesn't go away easily... I've also heard that we don't truly forgive if we don't forget....

I just wish I could better at this....

Do you guys struggle with this?:omg:

Thanks for reading,

Later,

Elena

I gave up on the concept of forgiving years ago. I just don't feel I have the power to "forgive" someone and make everything all ok for them. If the person has wronged me, and wants to make it right, they will reach out - we can talk and move on. If they don't reach out, then I accept that their actions are their burden to live with and not mine. It took me a long time to realize that the only thing I have control of in this life are my actions and reactions. God has the power to forgive, not me. Maybe it's a cop-out for me, I don't know. It's easier for me to follow Buddhist teachings in some respects. Interesting discussion....

[kathystrick 3]

I think that everyone is different in how they forgive. I know for me I can forgive and forget, bit it takes me a long time to do so. I've learned to just let it go, and forgive the person no matter what, because if you hold onto it-it will eat away at you. Why hold onto whatever pain or misery the person or people caused you when they are off feeling free not giving a damn what they've done to you.

My sentiments exactly, SSDiva!! DH and I have very different attitudes about this. I feel like as long as I have ANY feeling, whatever the person did, and therefore the person theirself, still has control over you. It's when you can honestly say you have reached indifference that you have regained control over the situation.

DH, on the other hand, will carry a grudge and negative feelings about a person FOREVER!!! Drives me crazy.

[paulk 0]

The book of John tells us we must forgive to be Forgiven .Not an easy thing to do , It doesn't say forget talk to or ever see that person again. You can treat that person like a stranger I know I had a person wrong one of my children . I am still working on it. But one day I hope to be able not to think of this person with out hate . God will help me thourgh it Paul k