When "Family" doesn't understand

[Ernie D 44]

28 days ago I had my sleeve done. After 1 year of getting ready for it, the day finally arrived. My significant other well lets just say he isnt very emotionally intelligent and over the last 13 years I have been with him through 11 medical procedures he needed some were in hospital some were out patient. I always put him first , and took care of him what ever he needed. I am really getting very frustrated I feel he is just in my way of healing now, not physically but mentally and emotionally. He is not emotionally supportive at all, I really am in this all alone. I try to stay positive, I have made a major life change and rather than him having my back he would rather rant and rave with his emotional outbursts. I try to be patient as I know he struggles with some mental health issues. There are just those days when I want to say Seriously do you have any clue what I have just gone through and what I continue to go through. I am so drained when I wake up in the morning,. I need time to just get my head on right. I immediately take care of our Dog, getting her fresh Water, food and take her out to do her business. I then try to get my Vitamins and meds in me, drink some liquid and take my blood glucose. But then here he comes complaining there is nothing to eat for breakfast...........which translates to he wants his huge hot Breakfast eggs, bacon, toast or grits etc which now just the smell makes me ill. If he doesnt get his way then he is just moody and very short tempered all day. So to avoid the constant emotional rollercoaster, i stop what I am doing and make breakfast, I sometimes then forget to take meds or vitamins, it takes me longer to get ready in the morning, not as quick since the surgery as I was before. Yes I know I should kick him to the curb ( and I only stated a mild case ) but financially I cant afford to do that right now, I am really stuck with him. SORRY just needed to say this "out loud " I am just emotionally exhausted from him. Thank you anyone that reads this. I appreciate the listening ear

[Orchids&Dragons 9,047]

I'm so sorry that this is so difficult for you. It's not easy under the best of circumstances. My prior experience is telling me that whatever problem you're having, he can play his trump card (mental issues) and make it all about his needs again. Is there anyone else close by that you can turn to for support? Are there support group meetings, a pastor at church? A friendly ear on-line is fine, but sometimes you just need a real-life hug. I hope it gets better for you soon. ((hug))

[Ernie D 44]

Thanks. I appreciate your comments and on line support.

[KimTriesRNY 1,853]

It’s so tough when you give to the other person and you aren’t supported back.

Mental health problems are not an excuse for bad or obnoxious behaviors but it seems like sometimes they are used that way unfortunately.

I hope your situation improves.

[Hop_Scotch 1,630]

You may not be be able to kick him to the kerb yet, but are you able to be assertive as in "you want breakfast? The eggs and bacon are in the fridge, the frying pay is on the stove, I'll leave you to it while I walk and feed the food, then I am off for my shower."

[allwet 868]

This is the reason that the -dirty little secret- of WLS is relationship breakups.

You are in a very different place now than you were before and it happened very fast and offered little to no time for adjustment for either of you.

You cant and don't want to go back to the place you were before so he will have to decide if he is willing to join you in the journey you have started or you will eventually go on with your lives but without each other.

If you give in and go back to the way it was before you will blame him and it will drive you apart. So really it does depend on him. He will adjust or dig in his heels and you will either change back and hate him for doing that to you or you will continue on this journey without him.

It sucks it really does. You can support him all you can but you have to draw the line at giving up your own health and happiness.

Try to find a local support grp and go to a few meetings.

good luck

[Taoz 284]

It sounds like you are really unhappy in your relationship right now, and your partner is taking everything he needs from you and giving nothing but attitude and negativity back

You said you can't afford financially to leave him right now, and your words give the impression that finances are the only reason you are still there, but staying in this current negative relationship is likely going to cost you a lot emotionally and that will take it's toll on you physically too. You have finally been able to do something for YOUR self and YOUR health, after more than a decade of focusing on your partners problems and needs, don't let that come undone.

Are you able to work towards a situation that is financially safe for you to be on your own? Can you live with family for a while? can you call on social security / spousal (mental/emotional) abuse emergency supports/housing/funding?

Best wishes for happier and healthier days to come.

[XYZXYZXYZ1955 675]

3 hours ago, 2shea said:

You may not be be able to kick him to the kerb yet, but are you able to be assertive as in "you want Breakfast? The eggs and bacon are in the fridge, the frying pay is on the stove, I'll leave you to it while I walk and feed the food, then I am off for my shower."

Exactly this. It drives me crazy that so many men act like cooking is something they can't or won't do. They eat. They should cook or go out and pay for their meals. NOT expect a woman to provide meals for them on demand.

In any event, I hope things improve for you in the future, and I'm sure they will. Stay strong.

[Greensleevie 451]

3 hours ago, 2shea said:

You may not be be able to kick him to the kerb yet, but are you able to be assertive as in "you want Breakfast? The eggs and bacon are in the fridge, the frying pay is on the stove, I'll leave you to it while I walk and feed the food, then I am off for my shower."

This, this and THIS.

In order to be successful with this surgery, self care is imperative. This is the perfect opportunity to explain to him that taking care of your needs just as important than his. At this time in your life, probably more so. Use the surgery as an excuse to start worrying about your own needs as opposed always worrying about his. He'll get over it. And if not, so what? You'll figure it out on your own. You really need to believe you are worth it. Make this a new beginning!

[okayestmom 232]

Maybe try writing down your “bariatric schedule”. This could include Water, Vitamins, food, the amount of time you are supposed to take for each thing i.e. 30 minutes for shake etc. then write down the consequences of not following the program, such as dehydration, infections, slower healing, and exhaustion. When he confronts you with demands during your recovery time, you can just show him the list. Maybe post it on the fridge. Sometimes writing something down helps others understand what you need just in case you have not expressed verbally what you need.

[BINABINA25 50]

PRAYER changes everything....its a beautiful thing that you are still trying to accommodate your loved one during your own trials. It's shows you are compassionate, kind and thoughtful. But often people take our kindness for weakness and feel they can take advantage of us or disregard our needs over theirs...this is the point where you have to EVALUATE YOURSELF...see your own needs it's not being selfish it's called if I don't take care of me..no one else will...talk with your mate and express the need the concern the issue but pray before you talk with him...meanwhile find your own inner peace, smile even when you wanna scream...and remind yourself......GOD ALREADY KNOW WHAT YOURE FACING HES JUST WAITING ON YOU TO COME TO HIM.....PRAYER changes everything🙏🙏🙏🙏

[psychnurse1 30]

Unfortunately there are those with mental illness that stay dependent and leech the ones around them because they just don’t try to help themselves and use the illness as an excuse. This is often the hardest on those closest to them. NAMI. https://www.nami.org/find-support/nami-programs/nami-family-support-group. Is a great support for family. You are going to have to set some boundaries , especially at this part of your journey. Maybe they can help you with suggestions for your situation.

Melissa ( btw I’m a mental health inpatient nurse)

[WeightLoss Mama 15]

Praying things got easier....

[looly 361]

You are putting up with some very cr*ppy treatment - but take heart!

You will find that as you lose weight, your self-belief will grow. Problems that seemed intractable before surgery, will appear to be within your capabilities to solve. Imagine yourself in a year, lighter - healthier - more confident. You won't want to put up with the same old cr*p as before because you won't be the same person. Exciting for you - scary for him - maybe that's why he's acting out.

[KellyP2003 14]

28 days ago I had my sleeve done. After 1 year of getting ready for it, the day finally arrived. My significant other well lets just say he isnt very emotionally intelligent and over the last 13 years I have been with him through 11 medical procedures he needed some were in hospital some were out patient. I always put him first , and took care of him what ever he needed. I am really getting very frustrated I feel he is just in my way of healing now, not physically but mentally and emotionally. He is not emotionally supportive at all, I really am in this all alone. I try to stay positive, I have made a major life change and rather than him having my back he would rather rant and rave with his emotional outbursts. I try to be patient as I know he struggles with some mental health issues. There are just those days when I want to say Seriously do you have any clue what I have just gone through and what I continue to go through. I am so drained when I wake up in the morning,. I need time to just get my head on right. I immediately take care of our Dog, getting her fresh Water, food and take her out to do her business. I then try to get my Vitamins and meds in me, drink some liquid and take my blood glucose. But then here he comes complaining there is nothing to eat for breakfast...........which translates to he wants his huge hot Breakfast eggs, bacon, toast or grits etc which now just the smell makes me ill. If he doesnt get his way then he is just moody and very short tempered all day. So to avoid the constant emotional rollercoaster, i stop what I am doing and make breakfast, I sometimes then forget to take meds or Vitamins, it takes me longer to get ready in the morning, not as quick since the surgery as I was before. Yes I know I should kick him to the curb ( and I only stated a mild case ) but financially I cant afford to do that right now, I am really stuck with him. SORRY just needed to say this "out loud " I am just emotionally exhausted from him. Thank you anyone that reads this. I appreciate the listening ear

Is there a family member that you can visit to get a break? I pray that everything gets better for you.

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