VSG candidate, boyfriend NOT onboard!

[Futuresleevie18 21]

Hi all, I just found this website while searching for information on how to cope, when your significant other doesn't approve of your decision. Well, I am very pleased to have found this site.

I've been struggling with my weight all of my life and I've had little successes, but somehow the weight lost, always came back 10-fold and I have had it! My primary physician gave me an initial referral about a year ago, but I didn't use it due to the fact that I wasn't completely sure that it was the best thing for me. My boyfriend also expressed his dislike towards the idea, so I went ahead with life until late last year, when I thought long and hard about putting my obesity in my past. I got another referral around December and I went in for a seminar in January, where I was given my first consultation appointment for two weeks later. I kept my appointment and when I got the chance to meet with the surgeons, I expressed to them that I would like to have my surgery done as soon as possible. I was given an initial surgery date of March 12th, however it got pushed back to April, which was fine and then it got pushed back even further in April for the 16th. Anyway, I kept all of my appointments and was very prepared for my surgery on April 16th, but when the day came, my anxiety rose and all I thought was, "God, I don't want to die," so I did not go. I called, left messages, but was later told that it's ok to not show up, but I should still get in touch with my coordinator, which I ultimately did. I asked to have my surgery at a later date because I wanted to push myself to see if this was really the best option for me. They were very gracious to give me another date in July as I had requested. I was set for July 10th and so I went back to eating regular healthy meals and working out even more. I worked out 5-7 days a week and ate clean. I love weightlifting, so I made it a priority while eating more Proteins, vegetables, Water and Protein Shakes and eliminating dairy, sugar, fried foods, etc. I was incredibly motivated to the point where I snacked on broccoli and humus, even cutting out fruits to stay away from sugars. Then I saw the scale going up and things went awry. During my pre-op liquid phase for my initial surgery date I lost 10lbs and from these pounds lost, I saw a two-pound increase within two weeks. I tried not to stress about it, but it was inevitable this past week when I saw an extra 3lbs on the scale. Unfortunately, I'm on my period and it's definitely the reason why I gained the extra 3lbs, so in the middle of my freakout I decided to go ahead and have the surgery no matter what. I emailed my coordinator and the next day the doctor called me to find out how soon I wanted it done and I told him this month. He then gave me a new surgery date, May 14th. I was happy, but still with concerns because I've never been ill and I have a fear of illness. Living alone doesn't help my fear either. Anyway, I told my boyfriend and things are not the same between us.

My boyfriend thinks that I'm taking the easy way out, that I have zero control, that I am being inconsiderate of him, that I will become ill and regretful and he's also expressed that he wants out of the relationship because he doesn't want someone who's lazy and wants a leg up. I tried explaining to him that it has nothing to do with getting a "leg up" or taking the easy way out, but simply for the peace of mind knowing that I'd add several more years to my life. I understand his concerns and how he's feeling, but his thoughts are so extreme that it's stressing out the both of us. I love him so much and would do almost anything for him, but I respected his views on surgery and refrained from it for many years with the hopes of losing the weight naturally, but instead I gained more weight, so right now it's difficult for me to continue respecting his feelings. I want to lose weight! I want to feel good about myself, more than I already do and I feel like this is my best option, but I am also afraid to lose him. I am stuck between a rock and a wall and I don't know how to get out. Help! How can I make him see that this is what's best for me? How do I choose between my love and my well-being? What would you do in this situation? I'd appreciate any advice you may have and thank you in advance!

[Sosewsue61 3,185]

I would do the surgery. It's really a shame your bf has this attitude. And disrespectful, too - he has no idea how hard it is to be obese - MAJOR SURGERY is not the easy way out. You can do this if you commit to the whole process your surgical team gives you.

Anyone that really really loves you would still support YOU, even if they didn't believe in the surgery. So tell him straight up, ' it's okay if you have this opinion but I am doing it anyway, this isn't about you! '.

Some partners are afraid of the changes, insecure, and some are afraid of complications - but saying 'it's the easy way out' is a judgement call directly against YOU - that isn't real love IMO.

Good luck and Welcome aboard!

[Orchids&Dragons 9,047]

Futuresleeve, you didn't mention if he was supportive while you tried to lose weight the "regular" way. If he was, try and invite him to a support group meeting or to one of the followups with the surgeon/nutritionist, etc. See if he's at all interested in becoming informed about something that you are passionate about and are doing for the sake of your health and future. If he responds, that's great. Maybe he'll learn to be more open to your needs.

If not, is this "My boyfriend thinks that I'm taking the easy way out, that I have zero control, that I am being inconsiderate of him, that I will become ill and regretful and he's also expressed that he wants out of the relationship because he doesn't want someone who's lazy and wants a leg up." really what you need in your life?

You need someone helping you to achieve the best life you can and if he's not on board, to %$#@ bad. Sorry about being blunt, but you deserve better.

[Kay07 734]

45 minutes ago, Futuresleevie18 said:

How do I choose between my love and my well-being? What would you do in this situation? I'd appreciate any advice you may have and thank you in advance!

I am sorry you are going through this. Not to sound callous, but he sounds like a jerk. The truth is that this situation sounds like a lose/lose. If you decide not to get the surgery to accommodate him, eventually you may begin to harbor resentment. As you continue to push yourself to get results, there is a strong possibility they won't be what you are hoping for. So many of us try to lose weight. And we do. But then it stops. I have a few friends who went from 300lbs+ to a healthy weight, but their life literally revolves around working out and always making the perfect food choices. My doctor explained it that our bodies are like memory foam. They are accustomed to our obese size, and want to get back to that weight. I eat a candy bar? 2lb gain right there. My sister eats a big mac with fries and lg coke? Nada. So if the weight does not come off or stay off, in the back of your mind you may begin to blame him. That is a very ugly situation.

On the flip side, if you DO get the surgery, your boyfriend is going to feel like you didn't value his opinion. That you didn't take him into consideration. While I would love to say that he is a self-centered butthead for thinking this, it really isn't. When people important to us make life-changing decisions, it has a snowball effect so obviously we want our opinions known. You love him, so you care for his opinion. However it only goes so far. You need to take care of you over his feelings.

This situation should make you reevaluate what you want in life. You have a view of how you want to live your life, and if that involves having the surgery to pursue an obesity free life, then you need to ask yourself if you will allow one person's different opinion to trump that.

It is not an easy choice. It might help if you think of it not as a choice between him or the surgery, but instead think of it as two different versions of yourself. Do you want to be a WLS patient on the road to a healthier lifestyle? Or do you want to continue doing what your doing and go for the best results you can?

[Hop_Scotch 1,632]

I wonder if it's him who is actually wanting 'an easy way out', using the WLS as a means to force a break up?

FutureSleevie read your own post back a couple of times, now what would you ask/tell or advise a close friend or family member after you've watched them struggle with weight gain and maintaining losses for a long time, struggling with obese related health issues, struggling with making what is one of their most important decisions in their life? I am guessing you wouldn't be telling them they are taking the easy way out and that you would be a hell of a lot more caring than that.

[Futuresleevie18 21]

Thank you for your warm and heartfelt responses!

He's truly tried his hardest to help me in the past; he's done lots of research as I have, invested in getting me equipments, helped me to make better food choices, devoted time to working out with me, but all of that didn't work. Either my calves or my ankles pain would get in the way and then I'd take a break only to start all over again. This cycle has been going on for just about six years and out of respect, I would try my hardest to do it again, knowing that I couldn't. Then I'd obsess and give up when the numbers on the scale didn't change and I am exhausted! He's always complained about my weight, so the stress from that didn't help and now I have an excellent chance at success, but I'm getting even more stress. He's currently putting a file together to show me that it's the wrong thing to do and although I know it's not true, I'm doubting my decision. I just don't want to be fat anymore...

[Orchids&Dragons 9,047]

28 minutes ago, Futuresleevie18 said:

Thank you for your warm and heartfelt responses!

He's truly tried his hardest to help me in the past; he's done lots of research as I have, invested in getting me equipments, helped me to make better food choices, devoted time to working out with me, but all of that didn't work. Either my calves or my ankles pain would get in the way and then I'd take a break only to start all over again. This cycle has been going on for just about six years and out of respect, I would try my hardest to do it again, knowing that I couldn't. Then I'd obsess and give up when the numbers on the scale didn't change and I am exhausted! He's always complained about my weight, so the stress from that didn't help and now I have an excellent chance at success, but I'm getting even more stress. He's currently putting a file together to show me that it's the wrong thing to do and although I know it's not true, I'm doubting my decision. I just don't want to be fat anymore...

Maybe you can compile your own file of studies that show the odds of regaining weight and the likely results of remaining obese. Someone else on the website (apologies, but maybe they'll comment) said, would you let a cardiac patient die without a bypass because they didn't make the right life-choices? Would you tell a type-2 diabetic that they can't have insulin because it's the easy way? The most effective, long-term treatment for obesity is surgery.

[Frustr8 7,886]

Start a file to show him it's right for you. Hey we all are landing hard on you? Sweet Sleevie I could be the worst of all. I am 72,yeah you read that right, and at this late date I'm still growing up. See I was what you could become, I was married 44 years to someone, when I look back , was very emotionally controling. Why did I stay there? My generation was taught you put up with a lot just to keep a man, you're nothing without a man, ooh I'd could tell you until nightfall, but now I'm finally,standing,on my own 2 feet, not easy,when every joint is broken down by arthritis. My parents didn't want me to rush my health, I didn't have surgery, I got married, my husband put,me down for my weight, I didn't stand up to him about,it, I stifeled my heartbreak and kept,on, doing any thing to appease his anger so I could keep that man, and I grew a little heavier, had a daughter, raised up until she started school, goody half the responsability, now b I can have some time for me, lost a little weight, felt a little better about myself, did Mr Perfect notice? He complimented me to others but never to me, I was the fat blob,that should always obey him, asked about surgery, told what good would that do? As since I had be taught not to rock the status quo, I gave in, I was warm in a house, yes I had groceries, as long as I cooked what he wanted when he wanted it things were peaceful. I was such a good robot that when the 2 subsequent children cried I took them somewhere, took them for a walk so their noise wouldn't disturb Mr Perfect, the Great White husband, and I started gaining again, when he told me how ugly I was getting, I just gave in , agreed thinking that would make him love me more. Did it work ? Maybe,but he was still against a surgical change for me. And my arthritis kept on getting worse but I gritted me teeth and went on. And my children grew to young adulthood and then adulthood. Did I leave them or him? No I had promised to stay married to him in the wedding vows and my main duty was to,prep him and all the children happy, my wants got stuffed down and I continued on in my warm sheltered prison. Even when I got a job I was expected to return home promptly, gave my check into,the family coffers and kept my mouth shut, I wasn't out in the cold that way.
Toward the end of my marriage I got a little more independant, having a job gave me a little more fire in my soul. I didn't hardly,mention WLS but I decided I would eventually have it for I felt my bodybstarting to slow down from the years of weight.
The last few months of his life he started a new tactic on me. I couldn't cook right, now the children were mostly grown and not around to hearing him, he could try a few more belittling things. People at work started noticing I wasn't as bouncy and cheery as I once was, they attributed to me approaching retirement age, I didn't admit the unhappiness I got at home. I had started walking for exercise with a friend, I was accursed of having an affair with her. I couldn't keep the house clean, he could ha e helped, wouldn't, not a mans job so I did what I could in between working, decided he didn't feel like driving me back and forth, started using public,transit, asked if he would help me regain a license, I hadn't driven in years. Thought,maybe I drive it there with him in other seat, because I had learners permit , then if he drive the car back I could drive home. Seemed reasonable to me, he didn't think so, why would I want to be so silly and do that? And he started talking more about my ugliness, if weight,was,mentioned it was my fault,i was fat and ugly. Got a pedometer to check , my exercise level was quite adequate. I finally Rationlized maybe he was getting Alzheimers, if so maybe he couldn't help what he was saying. The unhappiness must be all my fault. And he started getting thinner, maybe I wasn't making sure he was getting enough to eat. He was always home, did he fix his own food, nope? Found out later after he would announce he was too tired to drive me, he would go out to eat. But I accepted everything was my fault. Didn't admit problems to anyone, that would admit my imperfections. After pointing out to me that he could control his diet and the diet didn't control him, another dig at me. He offered his ultimate insult,I was so ugly that not even a blind man would touch me, and if I did ever find,one, it would take every dollar in my wallet to pay him, for no intelligent would do it for free.
And still he did this and I meekly accepted it.
Then we lost power during a bad storm in 2012, no cold drinks, he wouldn't drink warm drinks or Water so he basically dehydrated and died on the 4th of July. After he died I started going through his personal papers, turned out his doctor had told him he was in kidney failure, without intervention he would die. Had he told me, the woman who gave up college, sublimated her wishes, her self respect and did her up most to please him for 44 years, 2/3rd of her life?Nope, and suddenly the blinders fell off my eyes. I had given everything up and got little in return. I was basically alone, yes I still had my son, although he was and still,is a comfort, to me I would have to be an adult, yes the self-same person told,she was nothing wihout him to,lean on. Guess what he was wrong then and he's still wrong. I am loved in this world for being,me,not somebody's daughter, somebody's wife, somebody's parent, loved for me and me alone. And like a prisioner wrongly,imprisoned for a crime he didn't commit, I am free! And since I am now freed, I can want and achieve a dream, bariatric surgery, yes it is a late date in my life, but I can still have a few more years to live smaller, fitter and with a greater degree of health. And sad to say, there probably surgeon's that will say,i,am too old, too physically depleted for surgery. So now I have to carry,my own banner, at 20,30,40 even 50 people are happy to March with you on such,a journey. At 72 I am forced to,make my own kind of music, sing my own song, but even then, the sound of my voicecspeaking up still deserves to be heard.
You said he is not supportive of your plans for surgery? Well earlier today I wrote a poem, well I do write poetry, that part of my personality didn't get killed. You'll find it posted under Surgery is it the easy way out? I may be a little proud of my own work but I think,of is pretty good. Go read,it, everyone else reading can too. Then get back to me if you like. I'm almost always within earshot,of my android phone. Your older but wiser friend Frust8

[Frustr8 7,886]

The correct title Surgery "it's the easy way"

[Orchids&Dragons 9,047]

Wow, Frustr8, I could tell you were a survivor, but just wow. Blessings on your new journey.

[Creekimp13 5,840]

15 hours ago, Futuresleevie18 said:

and he's also expressed that he wants out of the relationship

This should be your clue.

Give him his wish.

Get your surgery.

Get away from men who treat your feelings like an afterthought and emotionally blackmail you to get their way.

Edited May 6, 2018 by Creekimp13

[Creekimp13 5,840]

16 hours ago, Futuresleevie18 said:

I love him so much and would do almost anything for him,

I think you're codependent and in love with an idea of him.... that isn't true.

Don't waste your love on someone who doesn't love you back. His actions prove how he feels about you.

16 hours ago, Futuresleevie18 said:

How do I choose between my love and my well-being?

Here's a clue....no one who loves you would make you choose.

[TexasMommy80 297]

I’m sorry you are going through this, but if your boyfriend is using this as a way out, the may have more issues than you are aware of. My boyfriend was very much against mine and had no problem expressing that. He thought it was too risky considering my only issue was severe osteoarthritis (even though I’ve already had a knee replacement at 36). He eventually came around and now fully supports me. He is a body builder and he has been looking up healthy recipes we can both eat when I am able to again. He knows that I want to change up my focus in the gym too, so he is making me a new workout plan. I think in the long run, it’s been good for us.


Age: 37
Height: 5’6
Starting BMI: 37
VSG: 4/16/18
Starting Weight: 241
Surgery Weight: 229
Current Weight: 213 (17 days post op)
GW: 160
MFP: Fit4LifeAR

[Walter.Sobchak 978]

Tell your boyfriend to go F**K himself.
Get the surgery for you and to extend your life.
Get thin and hot and find a new understanding boyfriend.
Your boyfriend sounds like a real douchebag, VSG is not the easy way out. It is actually very hard.

[Orchids&Dragons 9,047]

6 minutes ago, Walter.Sobchak said:

Tell your boyfriend to go F**K himself.
Get the surgery for you and to extend your life.
Get thin and hot and find a new understanding boyfriend.
Your boyfriend sounds like a real douchebag, VSG is not the easy way out. It is actually very hard.

I was curious to hear a male perspective on this one. Very clear and to the point!