Dining with Friends

[MermaidInAZ 29]

On ‎5‎/‎4‎/‎2018 at 10:53 AM, Tealael said:

I went to lunch with a friend and had to make a ton of excuses about my food choice or lack thereof . This person does not know about my surgery (I want to keep all of my health issues private so I only told two people who are my proxies)

How do you deal with friends without outright lying (not my style to lie)

But still maintain your privacy?

HW 270

SW 238

CW 182

VSG 11/7

I don't think it's lying - more like selective information sharing. I have also kept my surgery private and this Saturday am going to a birthday dinner so I'm wondering what I'm going to say. People have noticed my weight loss and have asked. I just say that sometimes it takes a medical scare to set things right. You are under no obligation to explain yourself if you don't want to. "No" is a full sentence that requires no further explanation.

[mikeyandmary 0]

I had my sleeve surgery last December and was very private pre-surgery. I only told my wife, my boss, my minister and 1 close friend. For me it was mostly the anxiety of failing another attempt at weight loss. Post-surgery I decided I didn't want to be pushy or make a big deal so I let people decide how much they wanted to know. Lots of people (friends and work colleagues) noticed the weight loss or that my eating habits had significantly changed and a few made comments or asked questions. Most just said "you've lost weight / you look great". My initial response is thanks. If they ask how I did it I say I asked my doctor for help. If they ask for more detail I tell them I had surgery just before Christmas.

I did have an awkward moment when a friend said to me that maybe I should suggest the surgery to mutual friend who was overweight. I felt so awkward and said I'd hate for someone to say that about me.

I've been really blessed because my boss has been a great support (very unobtrusive and accommodated several appointments) and I'm yet to have someone make a negative comment when they find out I had the surgery.

Don't feel that you have to say anything but hopefully, if you do decide to share your journey, the people you tell are caring enough to build you up rather than put you down.

[sillykitty 10,776]

I don't like it, but I lie.

I do a lot of dining out with customers and colleagues, so the small amount I can eat is obvious. I usually tell people when ordering that I have been having stomach issues and won't be eating much. If I dine with them frequently then I've had to go into more detail, i.e. more elaborate lies, about an ongoing stomach condition and reassure them I am under a Dr.'s care.

[HarleyMan82 12]

Tell them the truth, you are trying to lose weight and eat less food, this is completely true with or without the surgery.

[GreenTealael 25,439]

I think im still conflicted as i have tried excuses of being on a diet, not hungry, upset stomach etc... That may swing with strangers but friends tend to be relentless and turn into F-ing Sherloch Holmes. They see my changes as a critiscism of their lifestyles and dont know what to do about it. I guess i will just keep living in half truths, sigh

Thanks a ton everyone for the thoughtful responses

I appreciate this community

[sillykitty 10,776]

3 minutes ago, Tealael said:

I think im still conflicted as i have tried excuses of being on a diet, not hungry, upset stomach etc... That may swing with strangers but friends tend to be relentless and turn into F-ing Sherloch Holmes. They see my changes as a critiscism of their lifestyles and dont know what to do about it. I guess i will just keep living in half truths, sigh

Thanks a ton everyone for the thoughtful responses

I appreciate this community

Yeah, in this case you have to choose between the truth or more elaborate lies.

Just last week I was at a meeting with some peers I only see quarterly. One of them I consider a good friend cornered me about what exactly was going on with me, am I really ok. I was touched by his concern. I wanted to tell him the truth, but I had been lying to my boss, so I decided to stick to the same story. I just want to minimize the risk my upper management would get wind of my surgery.

[Malpraxis 32]

Not in that stage yet, but among my colleagues one was on a similar situation.

Whenever dining, when they asked "Why do you eat so little/slow?" he answered "Why do you eat so much/fast?". It worked, making them feel self conscious is a powerful tool.

In my case, I'll be going with sarcasm. "I'm anorexic". "Already ate with my real friends". "Do you think us androids need food? ".

[GreenTealael 25,439]

29 minutes ago, sillykitty said:

Yeah, in this case you have to choose between the truth or more elaborate lies.

Just last week I was at a meeting with some peers I only see quarterly. One of them I consider a good friend cornered me about what exactly was going on with me, am I really ok. I was touched by his concern. I wanted to tell him the truth, but I had been lying to my boss, so I decided to stick to the same story. I just want to minimize the risk my upper management would get wind of my surgery.

Sigh,

Why does it feel like being obese is criminal activity amd wls is like rehab... I feel like i should not have to feel the need to make excuses beyond im on a strict diet...

[GreenTealael 25,439]

2 minutes ago, Malpraxis said:

Not in that stage yet, but among my colleagues one was on a similar situation.

Whenever dining, when they asked "Why do you eat so little/slow?" he answered "Why do you eat so much/fast?". It worked, making them feel self conscious is a powerful tool.

In my case, I'll be going with sarcasm. "I'm anorexic". "Already ate with my real friends". "Do you think us androids need food?".

Lol super funny,

I just find it odd that if you are learning to drive, taking college courses or hell even buy new clothes no one deeply questions the reasons. Its understood that it must be necessary if you are doing it.

Buy start losing weight (especially through wls) and everyone suddenly needs more explanations, like you are purchasing an unnecessary luxury item you cant afford...

[Malpraxis 32]

7 minutes ago, Tealael said:

Sigh,

Why does it feel like being obese is criminal activity amd wls is like rehab... I feel like i should not have to feel the need to make excuses beyond im on a strict diet...

Well, it's because the world is on a primitive mindset. Morbid obesity is an epidemic, and surgery is the best known solution.

A generation from now it will be like asking a diabetic why are their taking their pills/insulin. Only diabetes will go down because it's proven to be cheaper in the long run to have early metabolic surgery before reaching that stage.

[Malpraxis 32]

3 minutes ago, Tealael said:

Lol super funny,

I just find it odd that if you are learning to drive, taking college courses or hell even buy new clothes no one deeply questions the reasons. Its understood that it must be necessary if you are doing it.

Buy start losing weight (especially through wls) and everyone suddenly needs more explanations, like you are purchasing an unnecessary luxury item you cant afford...

Aaaaaand I was already answering you! We are the future.

[sillykitty 10,776]

4 minutes ago, Tealael said:

Sigh,

Why does it feel like being obese is criminal activity amd wls is like rehab... I feel like i should not have to feel the need to make excuses beyond im on a strict diet...

Part of this is just me. I have never expressed any unhappiness with my weight to anyone, not family or my closest friends. The friends & family I did tell were surprised I wanted WLS because I appeared happy and confident. So personally I am not comfortable with people knowing my weight is a struggle for me. It feel s like a weakness and I don't want to open myself up to being judged anymore than I already am.

Secondly, I think the medical excuse works better than, I'm watching what I eat, or I am dieting. Only being able to eat 2-3 oz barely makes a dent in a plate. If people think I'm voluntarily eating so little, they will definitely encourage me to eat more. If I don't they will jump to the conclusion I've developed an eating disorder. Additionally, I have to have a medical excuse to not drink. If I don't I would hear endlessly about, "Just one drink" etc. In fact my workplace has such a drinking culture I'm badgered endlessly to drink even after telling people it will make me ill.

[abefroman329 704]

24 minutes ago, Tealael said:

Sigh,

Why does it feel like being obese is criminal activity amd wls is like rehab... I feel like i should not have to feel the need to make excuses beyond im on a strict diet...

Because WLS IS like rehab. And you may just need new friends, which is exactly what happens to many people who quit drinking or taking drugs or deal with other addictions where their relationships are intertwined with the bad behaviors.

[sideeye 1,440]

Overall I’m sticking with a combo of “I’m not very hungry” and “stomach is a little unsettled”. There’s the added bonus that I really am NOT that hungry, so my response and body language is 100% honest: I’m not hungry. Sometimes I’ll say I need to run to another meeting uptown, which is usually true, so I’m eating light. Seems to work.

Ha, though, I have done this: when asked why I’m just ordering an appetizer or Soup and I think it’s going to be a thing, I’ll say I’m not that hungry... “but if yours looks good I’m stealing some”. And then I do, just one forkful, but it seems to do the trick. I have no idea what psychological hoodoo is at play there, I’m just taking advantage of the result.

[GreenTealael 25,439]

14 minutes ago, abefroman329 said:

Because WLS IS like rehab. And you may just need new friends, which is exactly what happens to many people who quit drinking or taking drugs or deal with other addictions where their relationships are intertwined with the bad behaviors.

Lol i need friends that dont eat lol