I hate it when people post just to post.....

[ThePoolGirl 1]

Ebony, one thought: If he seems to be the rescuer of damsels in distress, maybe you were that damsel once but now you are not so much in distress since losing weight and taking charge of your life...? Or was this always a part of your lives but you are just now recognizing it?

Ebony, this is kind of my take on it as well. Men are threatened so easily. I think you're doing the right thing by waiting and planning. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Hang tough, girl!

[*slim* 2]

Ebony-(((((hugs))))) I have no words of wisdom. I think the other ladies have hit on some very good points. We will be there for you no matter what you decide.

[DivaStyleCoach 89]

PJTP...

I just got off the phone with H (he's not DH right now)...he seems to be backing down from his earlier stance. He tried to "lighten up" the situation by telling me that he's not going anywhere...

Said I could have him bothering me while we live in the same house, or with me living in my own place, but he wasn't going to leave me alone. I would always be a part of his life.

He's also backed off of the online conversation subject - told me that he's trying to get better and that I just have to "smack him on the head" when he crosses the line. I asked him how I'm supposed to know - his response was for me to check his email whenever I felt like it.

That makes me the "relationship police" and I'm not interested in playing that role. If HE doesn't want it bad enough NOT to flirt online, then why would he stop just because I said so? I'm really confused and don't know where he's coming from.

Time will tell...I'm going to try and keep some semblance of normalcy and sanity in my life while I work this out. I DO love him, but I don't know if being IN LOVE with him is the best thing for me right now. I've got enough going on with job worries, my weight loss journey (though that's going pretty well) and my DD starting school to worry about his nonsense and mixed messages.

Now, if you hadn't noticed, I'm getting an attitude...a hands-on-the-hips, finger-in-your-face, neck-rolling sista-girl attitude :w00t:

I'll keep y'all posted...right now, I'm just gonna live my life and let HIM twist in the wind for a while. I'm not convinced that his little hissy fit this morning is over - I know it's not over for me. :w00t:

[kcmagu 3]

Hang in there Ebony - no advice just prayers for you!

[BethFromVA 5]

He thinks that he was always like this - not really willing to commit / stop flirting, but his upbringing (parents were VERY religious) made him see marriage as the only way. He remembered one of his past girlfriends accusing him of "getting around". Says now that's more the truth than he knew then.

What complicates this for me is that this is the kind of behavior he ex-wife showed. She ran around on him - cheated multiple times. He said if she'd still come home 3 or 4 nights a week, they'd probably still be married. What seems to have broken them up was that she got pregnant by one of her affairs...eventually married the guy, but left him when he developed a drug problem...

She's still not in a long-term relationship. She has sent him messages that indicate she thinks she's not made for that - sometimes I wonder if that is where this is coming from.

I think I'm too conservative for him...he says he WANTS to see my flirty, freaky side...okay - that's just a little too strange for me. And if I felt the commitment was there, and I wouldn't be judged and found wanting, he'd SEE that side of me, but I'm not giving him that while he's still chasing virtual tail across the Internet. :w00t:

Very strange... Then again, many men SAY they want to see our freaky side and then get all jealous if we let it out.

I would wonder, if he KNEW you were writing other men but, like him, didn't share those exchanges, if he'd feel what you're feeling.

I'ma gonna use a Dr. Phil-ism (sorry), but he says, those who have nothing to hide hide nothing. It's very true.

I'm sorry you're going through this, hon. (((((HUGS))))) It ALMOST sounds as if he's like, pffftttt, you don't like it and you wanna leave? Okay... :w00t:

[BethFromVA 5]

PJTP...

Unfortunately, he wants to run WITH me...the past week I've been on my own because of his work schedule, but we started this together and I just dread getting up tomorrow and he's going to want to run with me. Just the other day I thanked him for helping me to get started running - he was very supportive.

Makes the rest of this so hard to deal with...I dunno what I'm going to do. I am NOT going to stop running, though...I NEED to do that right now. :w00t:

Nothin' says you hafta take him. :w00t:

[BethFromVA 5]

I just got off the phone with H (he's not DH right now)...he seems to be backing down from his earlier stance. He tried to "lighten up" the situation by telling me that he's not going anywhere...

Yanno, if it was me, I'd SO be doin' the sista-girl, "Huh... :w00t: Since these new revelations, it doesn't mean that I'M not."

[DivaStyleCoach 89]

PJTP...

Very strange... Then again, many men SAY they want to see our freaky side and then get all jealous if we let it out.

Yep, I think that might be him...we'll see...

I would wonder, if he KNEW you were writing other men but, like him, didn't share those exchanges, if he'd feel what you're feeling.

I wonder that myself...gonna find out tonight...

I'ma gonna use a Dr. Phil-ism (sorry), but he says, those who have nothing to hide hide nothing. It's very true.

That is a true statement...I agree with Dr. Phil on that one...

I'm sorry you're going through this, hon. (((((HUGS))))) It ALMOST sounds as if he's like, pffftttt, you don't like it and you wanna leave? Okay... :w00t:

Exactly! And now that I'm out of "cry" mode and into "fight" mode, here's what I'm going to do...

Tonight we had plans to go to dinner and a comedy club - he's on his way to get me as I type this. I brought an outfit with me to change into: black "daytime satin" sleeveless top and pencil skirt, fishnet hose with a seam up the back, black suede heels with a leather tie that wraps around the ankle. It's a new outfit for me - smaller size - and fits like the proverbial glove. I have a silver-and-black jacket to go with and black-and-clear rhinestone earrings.

I'm going to get dressed shortly, and I'm going to be flirting tonight...not necessarily with H - we'll see what happens. I'm coming out of my shell with a vengeance. I won't be taking anybody but H home tonight, but MY ego needs a boost and I'm gonna find it tonight...:w00t:

[ThePoolGirl 1]

Ebony,

Here's my opinion: You're doing the right thing in taking care of yourself, keeping on your WL journey and worrying about your DD. You and your child are the most important part of your current situation. What will be, will be. It sounds like your DH wants to have his cake and eat it too. Well, dude, too bad. Though I'm not a Dr. Phil fan either, I agree with Beth's post. If there is nothing going on there's no reason to be secretive.

Take care of you, DD and DDog! DH has to make his own way in this world.

TPG

[ThePoolGirl 1]

PJTP...

Exactly! And now that I'm out of "cry" mode and into "fight" mode, here's what I'm going to do...

but MY ego needs a boost and I'm gonna find it tonight...:w00t:

Yay! You go, girl!! :w00t:

[heartfire 4]

How many calories in a crapweasel? And will it get stuck in my band (if I had one :w00t:)?

Nikes - love 'em. LOVE eBay....get Nikes mucho cheapo on eBay. I have a great pair that are pink and silver. :w00t:

PJTP: Fish makes me gag.

LOL!!!

Thank you, heartfire!! I've never been into shopping before but I am really getting into it now. Bought some lovely new tops on special last night (and yes, several patterns, one of them really LOUD but it works!) and the sexiest pair of shoes! My honey says he's taking me out for dinner and dancing tonight, so I get to wear my new red dress and my sexy shoes :w00t: YAY!

Not into shopping either, at least I wasn't. Now, I keep wanting to go buy stuff but I've got enough to last me for a bit with just buying a little here and there so nothing major til I MUST!!

Hope you had a fab night!!! I was going to ask for details but really, ummm, don't want details! LOL!!

~~~~~~~~~~~

~Ebony, I am SO sorry! (((HUGS!!))) My only advice (while you're planning and putting together your funds) is to go to counseling. Whether he goes or not, YOU find someone you're comfortable with and get some help to work thru all of this.

And if you find you need a vacation - I live in the mountains and there's lots to do here or you can go sit by the lake and do nothing! I even have a car right now you can borrow while you're here.

Lots of hugs and prayers to you Ebony. I'm so sorry.

[DivaStyleCoach 89]

PJTP...I have such good friends! :w00t:

~Ebony, I am SO sorry! (((HUGS!!))) My only advice (while you're planning and putting together your funds) is to go to counseling. Whether he goes or not, YOU find someone you're comfortable with and get some help to work thru all of this.

Sounds like a good idea - I think we have counselors available through my job...I'm going to investigate that.

And if you find you need a vacation - I live in the mountains and there's lots to do here or you can go sit by the lake and do nothing! I even have a car right now you can borrow while you're here.

Lots of hugs and prayers to you Ebony. I'm so sorry.

Thank you so much, Michelle! Your place sounds wonderful, and I'm very tempted...I'll keep your generous and lovely offer in mind...:w00t:

[Kat817 19]

Awww Ebony, as if you didn't have enough CRAP to deal with right now!

I personally agree with Beth, and others, that he has lost the feeling of being your saviour. You said he likes the needy ones. Well if he loved you, and I am sure he did, 20 years is a long time to piddle around if not, but he was still "rescuing" you, because possibly in his mind, no one else would because of your weight. Know what I mean. But you took his 'controlling help' away by losing weight--how dare you!!! LOL Then he transferred some of it to helping you while they are being ass wipes at work, but then you took that away too, by taking control--again, without him.

You and DD struggled with the decision, but made the call for her to go to local college for a year, and he couldn't FIX that for anyone.

I think you have him running scared, whether he realizes it or not. I am NOT in any way saying he is right, or that I support his stance, I do not. But I think your emerging as a new woman, has him at a loss for what good is he to you, or to himself even.

Now, the outfit, flaunt it, and take pics!

I personally would not discuss it with him for another second! When brought up I would simply state "I haven't decided what is best for me yet, when I do, I'll let you know".

When he wanted to run with me, I would tell him, no thanks I want some time to think. And not back down. If he insists on going, let him, then leave after going in a different direction! EVERY day he would get the same answer.

I agree, I would not be the relationship police. However....the evil side of me, must let you know that my email goes out under my DH's name.....so if ever you want a strange email showing up under a definite male name, you just let me know!!!

And there is always a place for you in that man from the emails house!!!! You are welcome anytime----and if you need to talk, let me know I will PM you my #.

Counseling is a wonderful suggestion! DH has an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) that allows something like 13 sessions without prior approval, and more with authorization---at NO CHARGE! I bet you have something similar.

Hang in there, and know anytime you need someone all you gotta do is reach out. There are lots of us who care hanging out here!

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

Hello all....checking in....trying to step away from some drama....lol...

Ebony....I think you are doing the right thing. You have been working this for awhile, and I don't think it is NOT your thing to work on, it is HIS! HE is a grown man--you do not need to police anyone. Policing is for people who do wrong--if he is doing wrong it is on him, he needs to check himself! Take care of the things that YOU need to take care of--YOU!

I am a mess here in the hospital with Faith and pretty livid at the moment. My mom who claims to be such a good "grammy" has not been to the hospital to see her AT ALL. She chose to go on VACATION today and keeps calling me for updates....wtf?

Faith is really upset that they didn't come to see her, and what kid wouldn't for pete's sake she just had surgery. My mom and dad want everyone to "be a family" and fall at their feet but NEVER return the favor. How can you not be at the hospital when your grandkid has surgery?? Am I expecting too much?

[ThePoolGirl 1]

Nope, BBK, you're not expecting too much! Poor Faith. I'm sure this hurts her feelings...and yours too. G'parents are important. Hang in there and best wishes are coming your way...

TPG