I hate it when people post just to post.....

[Fanny Adams 7]

Thank you, heartfire!! I've never been into shopping before but I am really getting into it now. Bought some lovely new tops on special last night (and yes, several patterns, one of them really LOUD but it works!) and the sexiest pair of shoes! My honey says he's taking me out for dinner and dancing tonight, so I get to wear my new red dress and my sexy shoes :thumbup: YAY!

[DivaStyleCoach 89]

PJTP...Happy Friday, Everyone! :w00t:

Having a slow, rather restful day so far...not a lot going on at work, DH and DD are at home doing their thing, DDog didn't even wake me up as usual this morning. Everybody's feeling lazy, I think...

Going out with DH tonight to see "Huggy Lowdown" the radio comic from the Tom Joyner show. He's hilarious on the radio, hopefully he'll be the same in person. Generally I like comedy shows, though I don't LOL like my DH does! He can be the "life of the party" at comedy shows and get this - he's decided he's going "Red". He has a bright red shadow-stripe suit and just bought a red hat to go with it. :w00t:

***Politically incorrect alert****

Can you say PIMP? :w00t::eek::w00t:

*****Politically incorrect end alert ****

He KNOWS this outfit is going to bring him much attention - in fact, he PLANNED it that way...**sigh** :w00t:

Since I KNOW he's doing this for attention, I'm dressing a little quieter...black "daytime satin" v-neck sleeveless top with matching pencil skirt, fishnet hose (with a seam up the back) and black suede heels with a leather tie that wraps around the ankle. Hot, but subtle. He's picking me up at work and we'll go to the comedy show after having dinner, then he wants to go out dancing / clubbing later...

We've been having our issues lately...his online flirting. Nothing overtly sexual, just message I consider "over the line". We talked this morning, he actually said to me that he probably never should have gotten married - likes to flirt too much. WTF? After NINETEEN years you tell me this? :w00t:

I don't know what to think...he says he loves me, and part of me wants to believe him, but after having gone 'round Robin Hood's barn with this multiple times, I don't know if I can do it again. :w00t: He promised me that he's stay off the porn sites, and he has. The flirty messages to other women in his life (some are co-workers, no real threat there; some are friends from the past - bigger issue for me there) are his "thing"...he's not willing to stop. They are all online / email - no text messages, no phone calls (which I can and did verify). Claims he loves me, knows this hurts me, but he still won't stop. :w00t:

Can't decide if this is a deal-breaker for me...am I just over-reacting? After knowing him for over 30 years, why didn't I see this? And why does this moment of self-realization have to come in the middle of MY marriage? :w00t:

I don't know what to feel right now...I'm a bit numb. He says he'll abide by my decision, whatever that is. Asked that we stay together until DDog dies to avoid sending him back to the shelter, said we'd split all other assets if I decide to leave. Actually said he probably wasn't the right guy for me...probably never was...but would stay with me as long as I wanted to stay, and would treat me well.

I dunno what to do...part of me wants to walk away. Part of me is still madly in love with him and wants nothing more than to be by his side until I leave this earth. :w00t:

Helpful / insightful comments welcome...

[BethFromVA 5]

We've been having our issues lately...his online flirting. Nothing overtly sexual, just message I consider "over the line". We talked this morning, he actually said to me that he probably never should have gotten married - likes to flirt too much. WTF? After NINETEEN years you tell me this? :w00t:

I don't know what to think...he says he loves me, and part of me wants to believe him, but after having gone 'round Robin Hood's barn with this multiple times, I don't know if I can do it again. :w00t: He promised me that he's stay off the porn sites, and he has. The flirty messages to other women in his life (some are co-workers, no real threat there; some are friends from the past - bigger issue for me there) are his "thing"...he's not willing to stop. They are all online / email - no text messages, no phone calls (which I can and did verify). Claims he loves me, knows this hurts me, but he still won't stop. :w00t:

Can't decide if this is a deal-breaker for me...am I just over-reacting? After knowing him for over 30 years, why didn't I see this? And why does this moment of self-realization have to come in the middle of MY marriage? :w00t:

I don't know what to feel right now...I'm a bit numb. He says he'll abide by my decision, whatever that is. Asked that we stay together until DDog dies to avoid sending him back to the shelter, said we'd split all other assets if I decide to leave. Actually said he probably wasn't the right guy for me...probably never was...but would stay with me as long as I wanted to stay, and would treat me well.

I dunno what to do...part of me wants to walk away. Part of me is still madly in love with him and wants nothing more than to be by his side until I leave this earth. :w00t:

Helpful / insightful comments welcome...

Wow, Ebony, that's heavy. I don't know what to say! Apparently his wants override your pain, and he acknowledges that -- which means you can't even reason with him. And the fact that he says maybe he should never have gotten married and that he's not the right one for you... WTF?? :w00t:

Wow, I'm speechless. I don't know what advice to offer.

[suzyt 0]

Ebony -- so sorry to hear this. My only advice is to not make any rash decisions -- see how you feel once the shock has worn off.

I wonder if the timing has anything to do with your daughter going to college.....but I can't remember, did she leave home or is she still living with you?

Hugs,

[DivaStyleCoach 89]

PJTP...

Wow, Ebony, that's heavy. I don't know what to say! Apparently his wants override your pain, and he acknowledges that -- which means you can't even reason with him. And the fact that he says maybe he should never have gotten married and that he's not the right one for you... WTF?? :w00t:

Wow, I'm speechless. I don't know what advice to offer.

I hear ya, Beth...if anyone had told me that he'd be willing to continue a behavior that I have openly acknowledged hurts me, I'd have said they were crazy...before this morning. I did NOT see this coming...not at all.

He did say he'd keep his comments online (Facebook) to a minimum - they are public and everyone can see them, so everyone who knows us and sees his page sees them. Most of this has been email between him and one particular person we both went to high school with.

For some reason, he seems to gravitate to "needy" women - those who are bruised, hurt or otherwise seem to need protecting. Maybe that's what he truly wants and needs...maybe it's because his ex-wife nearly destroyed HIS self-esteem that he now seeks positive reinforcement elsewhere. Maybe whatever his bruised and damaged heart needs, I can't give him.

He said to me this morning that I've ALWAYS been on his mind. Even while he was married to the ex-wife...that I've always been "the other woman". Not because of anything I did, but that's where he put me in his mind.

I don't pretend to understand...but I also know that I can't live a lie...now that I know this is how he feels, I don't think we'll make it to our 20th anniversary. I'll be making plans all this next year to get out when my daughter goes away to school. I will NOT live like this - wondering every time I see him on the computer if THIS is the one that makes him want to leave, or makes him want to cross the line and turn it into a flesh-and-blood affair.

I'm hurting right now...don't know how exactly I'm going to handle it, but I am a planner. I'm going into research mode - gonna figure out just how much I need to amass in my "independence fund" and when I get there, I'm gone.

A wonderful girlfriend of mine suggested prayer - "duck and let God hit 'em" kind of thing...right now, my faith is weak where this is concerned. What I'll be praying for is strength to do what I must, perseverance to keep some semblance of normalcy for my daughter, and a calm spirit so I don't end up in the hospital from stress...

**sigh** What a way to start the weekend! NOT!

[krtork 0]

Too funny! :w00t:

When I saw this I just knew you would jump on it!

How many calories in a crapweasel? And will it get stuck in my band (if I had one :w00t:)?

Nikes - love 'em. LOVE eBay....get Nikes mucho cheapo on eBay. I have a great pair that are pink and silver. :w00t:

PJTP: Fish makes me gag.

No band, crapweasel is for you!

Pink and Silver! Oh man I would love those!

And I figured you would jump on the train too!:w00t:

Thank you, heartfire!! I've never been into shopping before but I am really getting into it now. Bought some lovely new tops on special last night (and yes, several patterns, one of them really LOUD but it works!) and the sexiest pair of shoes! My honey says he's taking me out for dinner and dancing tonight, so I get to wear my new red dress and my sexy shoes :w00t: YAY!

Red dress and sexy shoes, I bet you are getting more than dinner and dancin'!:w00t:

PJTP...Happy Friday, Everyone! :w00t:

I dunno what to do...part of me wants to walk away. Part of me is still madly in love with him and wants nothing more than to be by his side until I leave this earth. :w00t:

Helpful / insightful comments welcome...

WOW! Insight, don't make any rash decisions. I just don't know what to say to that - what a bomb to drop after all these years! :w00t: Is he having some underlying issues, besides the flirting, that could bring this on?

((((HUGS))))

[DivaStyleCoach 89]

PJTP...

Ebony -- so sorry to hear this. My only advice is to not make any rash decisions -- see how you feel once the shock has worn off.

I agree...shock is definately the state I'm in right now. Part of me wants to walk out, but realistically, I can't do that right now. I'm going to put together a plan - by this time next year, I'll know what I'm going to do.

I wonder if the timing has anything to do with your daughter going to college.....but I can't remember, did she leave home or is she still living with you?

My DD is still with us...she's doing a year at Community College, hopes to transfer to VSU next summer. Right now my plan is to leave when she does if things don't change...and the way H was talking this morning, they aren't going to change...

Hugs,

Pink and Silver! Oh man I would love those!

My Nikes that I bought on Ebay are pink and silver too!

WOW! Insight, don't make any rash decisions. I just don't know what to say to that - what a bomb to drop after all these years! :w00t: Is he having some underlying issues, besides the flirting, that could bring this on?

I wonder...I don't think my being banded has anything to do with it - quite the contrary, I thought he'd be excited about it. He sorta is, but recently I've been noticing (hindsight is 20/20) that he's been feeling more "free" to express his admiration for "normal" sized women. I thought it was just because he didn't want me to think he wanted me to stay heavy, or that he wouldn't want me to be healthy. Now I wonder if he's always been less-than-honest with me about his feelings. Like he's been less-than-honest about being married and not flirting.

((((HUGS))))

Thanks for the hugs and rational thoughts, my friends...I need that right now...:w00t:

[BethFromVA 5]

I hear ya, Beth...if anyone had told me that he'd be willing to continue a behavior that I have openly acknowledged hurts me, I'd have said they were crazy...before this morning. I did NOT see this coming...not at all.

He did say he'd keep his comments online (Facebook) to a minimum - they are public and everyone can see them, so everyone who knows us and sees his page sees them. Most of this has been email between him and one particular person we both went to high school with.

For some reason, he seems to gravitate to "needy" women - those who are bruised, hurt or otherwise seem to need protecting. Maybe that's what he truly wants and needs...maybe it's because his ex-wife nearly destroyed HIS self-esteem that he now seeks positive reinforcement elsewhere. Maybe whatever his bruised and damaged heart needs, I can't give him.

He said to me this morning that I've ALWAYS been on his mind. Even while he was married to the ex-wife...that I've always been "the other woman". Not because of anything I did, but that's where he put me in his mind.

I don't pretend to understand...but I also know that I can't live a lie...now that I know this is how he feels, I don't think we'll make it to our 20th anniversary. I'll be making plans all this next year to get out when my daughter goes away to school. I will NOT live like this - wondering every time I see him on the computer if THIS is the one that makes him want to leave, or makes him want to cross the line and turn it into a flesh-and-blood affair.

I'm hurting right now...don't know how exactly I'm going to handle it, but I am a planner. I'm going into research mode - gonna figure out just how much I need to amass in my "independence fund" and when I get there, I'm gone.

A wonderful girlfriend of mine suggested prayer - "duck and let God hit 'em" kind of thing...right now, my faith is weak where this is concerned. What I'll be praying for is strength to do what I must, perseverance to keep some semblance of normalcy for my daughter, and a calm spirit so I don't end up in the hospital from stress...

**sigh** What a way to start the weekend! NOT!

What I would NORMALLY suggest is to ask the other person, "If I was writing to men what you are writing to these women, how would it make you feel," but it sounds like he wouldn't care if only because his wants outweigh any moral decisionmaking on his part. And the fact that he seems to treat your marriage so flippantly also tells me he wouldn't react the way you would want him to to a question like that.

[BethFromVA 5]

Ebony, one thought: If he seems to be the rescuer of damsels in distress, maybe you were that damsel once but now you are not so much in distress since losing weight and taking charge of your life...? Or was this always a part of your lives but you are just now recognizing it?

[Gracey 7]

Ebony - do you think that he's threatened by your weight loss? Are the computer women "big girls"? Clearly he's a crapweasel for being so flippant with your feelings. I can't speak to marriage since I'm not in one but I feel for ya. **hugs**

[DivaStyleCoach 89]

PJTP...

What I would NORMALLY suggest is to ask the other person, "If I was writing to men what you are writing to these women, how would it make you feel," but it sounds like he wouldn't care if only because his wants outweigh any moral decisionmaking on his part. And the fact that he seems to treat your marriage so flippantly also tells me he wouldn't react the way you would want him to to a question like that.

Again, my sister-from-another-mother, we are on the same track. I actually asked him that this morning. He said he wouldn't have a problem with me flirting with other men. He actually said he'd find it "exciting"! I think what he DIDN'T say is that he knows I'd still come home and it would never go any further. He said he'd like to read the flirty emails - I told him that since he didn't feel inclined to share his with me, I wouldn't share with HIM. :w00t:

Ebony, one thought: If he seems to be the rescuer of damsels in distress, maybe you were that damsel once but now you are not so much in distress since losing weight and taking charge of your life...? Or was this always a part of your lives but you are just now recognizing it?

He thinks that he was always like this - not really willing to commit / stop flirting, but his upbringing (parents were VERY religious) made him see marriage as the only way. He remembered one of his past girlfriends accusing him of "getting around". Says now that's more the truth than he knew then.

What complicates this for me is that this is the kind of behavior he ex-wife showed. She ran around on him - cheated multiple times. He said if she'd still come home 3 or 4 nights a week, they'd probably still be married. What seems to have broken them up was that she got pregnant by one of her affairs...eventually married the guy, but left him when he developed a drug problem...

She's still not in a long-term relationship. She has sent him messages that indicate she thinks she's not made for that - sometimes I wonder if that is where this is coming from.

I think I'm too conservative for him...he says he WANTS to see my flirty, freaky side...okay - that's just a little too strange for me. And if I felt the commitment was there, and I wouldn't be judged and found wanting, he'd SEE that side of me, but I'm not giving him that while he's still chasing virtual tail across the Internet. :w00t:

[DivaStyleCoach 89]

PJTP...

Hi SickNTired!

Can I borrow your screen name for a while? Except mine will probably be SickNTiredOfWafflingJerkyDamnExHusbandToBe! :w00t:

Ebony - do you think that he's threatened by your weight loss? Are the computer women "big girls"? Clearly he's a crapweasel for being so flippant with your feelings. I can't speak to marriage since I'm not in one but I feel for ya. **hugs**

Thanks, girlfriend...I don't know what's going on. He's been one of my biggest advocates since I was banded. Even went on the two week liquid diet with me post-band. Has said repeatedly that he wants the world to see what he's always seen. What has changed, I don't know. Maybe he thinks that now since I'm getting smaller and more attractive, I won't be lacking for male companionship and I can find the guy that really is the right one for me. He said something like that this morning - that he hopes if I leave him, that I find the guy I should have been with all along and he is not that guy...

I think HE'S given up on our marriage. I actually asked him if he would prefer to co-habitate instead of being married and he said no. Not sure if that was a true reaction or not...

I'm so confused and hurt right now...good thing it's slow today at work...:w00t:

[luluc 6]

have no pearls to offer, only good thoughts that you can come to a resolution w/peace.

[krtork 0]

PJTP...

I'm hurting right now...don't know how exactly I'm going to handle it, but I am a planner. I'm going into research mode - gonna figure out just how much I need to amass in my "independence fund" and when I get there, I'm gone.

A wonderful girlfriend of mine suggested prayer - "duck and let God hit 'em" kind of thing...right now, my faith is weak where this is concerned. What I'll be praying for is strength to do what I must, perseverance to keep some semblance of normalcy for my daughter, and a calm spirit so I don't end up in the hospital from stress...

**sigh** What a way to start the weekend! NOT!

My heart goes out to you. It is hard being blindsided by his revelation. You are in my prayers. You are a strong woman and you will do what needs to be done to get through this!

You can always vent and rant here as much as you need to! Make sure you keep up with your running, that will be a great stress reliever for you. It give you that alone time to think things through and release some energy.

[DivaStyleCoach 89]

PJTP...

My heart goes out to you. It is hard being blindsided by his revelation. You are in my prayers. You are a strong woman and you will do what needs to be done to get through this!

Thank you so much...the support of my friends here means the world to me...especially now! :w00t:

You can always vent and rant here as much as you need to! Make sure you keep up with your running, that will be a great stress reliever for you. It give you that alone time to think things through and release some energy.

Unfortunately, he wants to run WITH me...the past week I've been on my own because of his work schedule, but we started this together and I just dread getting up tomorrow and he's going to want to run with me. Just the other day I thanked him for helping me to get started running - he was very supportive.

Makes the rest of this so hard to deal with...I dunno what I'm going to do. I am NOT going to stop running, though...I NEED to do that right now. :w00t: