Intimacy / mental health / pre-op thoughts

[jessicasz 8]

A question popped into my head today as I was walking to the car after an appointment with my nutritionist: "Why am I doing this?" Really, why am I doing any of this? I never wanted to have surgery. I never wanted to change my body, the way I was made, for any reason. I never even wanted to diet but twelve years ago I found myself doing that after meeting the man who would later become my husband. In my mind, my weight was the reason for our lack of intimacy and I wanted so badly for him to want me. Cue the yo-yo / spiral of me needing intimacy & dieting in order to look better for him, having some weight loss success, still not getting the intimacy I desire, getting angry / depressed & quitting the diet, going numb & gaining the weight back, getting over it and ignoring the issue until the cycle starts over again. So am I doing this for him, in yet another attempt to gain the intimacy I so desperately crave, or am I doing this for me, to feel better about myself, to be able to do the physical activities I'd like to do?

I really don't know. I am at a loss and quite frankly I feel pretty awful right now.

I know for a fact that losing the weight will not help our intimacy issues - we discovered the cause/reason after a handful of sessions with a therapist (simply put, it's his problem). I'm probably stuck in a behavior / thought cycle that is ignoring all logic. I have a bad habit of blaming myself for every problem and never wanting to believe that fixing it is out of my control.

On top of this I feel like I have nobody to talk to. Which is why I'm here. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks for reading.

[Creekimp13 5,840]

Until you're certain that weight loss surgery is the right path for you, I would continue to diet...but delay your surgery until you've had a chance to discuss the issue with a therapist.

Weight loss surgery is a huge undertaking. It's life changing. And it's permanent. You need to be 100% committed to changing your diet and exercise habits. You need to be sure.

My personal feeling is that you might not be there yet.

If you're not? Keep soul searching until you are.

Best wishes.

Edited April 16, 2018 by Creekimp13

[Creekimp13 5,840]

Research divorce rates after bariatric surgery.

80-85% of couples will split up 2 years after bariatric surgery.

Surgeons and psychologists will tell you....surgery can make a good relationship better, and a bad relationship worse.

Be prepared for that.

Edited April 16, 2018 by Creekimp13

[Orchids&Dragons 9,047]

3 minutes ago, Creekimp13 said:

Research divorce rates after bariatric surgery.

80-85% of couples will split up 2 years after bariatric surgery.

Surgeons and psychologists will tell you....surgery can make a good relationship better, and a bad relationship worse.

Be prepared for that.

OMgosh, where did you see that? You're scaring the daylights out of me!

[jessicasz 8]

@Creekimp13 The ridiculous thing is - my relationship with my husband is fricken perfect aside from our intimacy issues. He's my best friend & my rock... the one I can always count on to be in my corner. You're right though - I do need to talk to a therapist. Thank you for your thoughts.

[Orchids&Dragons 9,047]

Jessicasz, I'm with CreekImp on this one for sure. You need to really discuss this with the therapist. Surgery changes your stomach, but not your brain. They need to work together to make you successful.

[Sosewsue61 3,185]

I think you need to work on your self esteem in regards to your body image, and work on finding a way to meet your intimacy needs while remaining married, if that is your goal. Do this before saying yes to surgery. Surgery is a huge mental issue in and of itself because you examine yourself so closely in ways you never have before, and it is scary chit. You could be hiding behind that fat for a reason you aren't even aware of......like once I am finally thin and fit and then get rejected, now what do I feel?

I don't believe the divorce rate is related to the surgery. I believe divorces happen because the marriage isn't working for one or both, and the surgery just makes this fact a glaring revelation. My marriage will not be detrimentally effected by it in the least, unless more bedroom gymnastics results in an injury 😆

[TakingABreak 2,733]

2 hours ago, Creekimp13 said:

Research divorce rates after bariatric surgery.

80-85% of couples will split up 2 years after bariatric surgery.

Surgeons and psychologists will tell you....surgery can make a good relationship better, and a bad relationship worse.

Be prepared for that.

Holy crap. I didn't know the number was that high. Wow!

[Creekimp13 5,840]

https://www.healthcentral.com/article/divorce-rate-after-bariatric-surgery-is-high-my-bariatric-life

[Creekimp13 5,840]

This one is a little less bleak, but still worth reading:

http://www.latimes.com/science/sciencenow/la-sci-sn-bariatric-surgery-relationship-status-20180327-story.html

A large Swedish study has found that obese people who had a spouse or live-in partner and then underwent weight loss surgery were 28% more likely to become separated or divorced compared with those in a comparison group who didn't have surgery.

(given that about 50% of marriages end in divorce under normal circumstances....adding an extra 28% brings you close to 80%)

[TakingABreak 2,733]

11 minutes ago, Creekimp13 said:

https://www.healthcentral.com/article/divorce-rate-after-bariatric-surgery-is-high-my-bariatric-life

Thanks for the read! This article does state " However, if the person was overweight or obese when the relationship or marriage began, the chances of that relationship or marriage ending within two years after the surgery is 80 to 85 percent."

Also, It does seem to focus on a relationship where both couples " have shared the problems of overeating and obesity"

Just wanted to clarify for folks who skim through this.

[Creekimp13 5,840]

Yepper. There are a lot of variables that can crunch the odds in different directions.

But it's a widely known syndrome.

It has a name.... "Divorce Surgery" LOL

Lot of factors can play in. Self esteem improving for the heavy partner can change the dynamics of a relationship. Jealousy issues occur. Lifestyle incompatibilities (if one partner wants to remain heavy and eat unrestricted), Infidelity, long fought over issues can come to a head when a more passive spouse becomes more assertive. Sometimes a more sheltered partner wants more freedom and less introversion as they lose weight, and the other partner isn't on board. It can get complicated.

The changes can be a stressful endeavor for even really solid couples.

So far, so good at my house....but I've got an incredibly supportive guy and a pretty old beat up marriage (25 years) that has been forged and strengthened in the fires of hell. LOL.

Have really enjoyed being more active with hubby, and he's been enthusiastic to join me for swimming, hikes, etc....which has been incredibly fun.

Even so....I can't say the process hasn't been without some stressy days!

[TakingABreak 2,733]

15 minutes ago, Creekimp13 said:

Yepper. There are a lot of variables that can crunch the odds in different directions.

But it's a widely known syndrome.

It has a name.... "Divorce Surgery" LOL

Lot of factors can play in. Self esteem improving for the heavy partner can change the dynamics of a relationship. Jealousy issues occur. Lifestyle incompatibilities (if one partner wants to remain heavy and eat unrestricted), Infidelity, long fought over issues can come to a head when a more passive spouse becomes more assertive. Sometimes a more sheltered partner wants more freedom and less introversion as they lose weight, and the other partner isn't on board. It can get complicated.

The changes can be a stressful endeavor for even really solid couples.

So far, so good at my house....but I've got an incredibly supportive guy and a pretty old beat up marriage (25 years) that has been forged and strengthened in the fires of hell. LOL.

Have really enjoyed being more active with hubby, and he's been enthusiastic to join me for swimming, hikes, etc....which has been incredibly fun.

Even so....I can't say the process hasn't been without some stressy days!

My circumstances are similar. I have a very supportive husband. He loved me at my highest and loves the new me. He has embraced my lifestyle change as well. He hasn't been overweight a day in his life. He's enjoying every moment of my new found energy. We do so much more together and I think it's helped our relationship. I haven't tried to change his eating style. I still buy him all of his junk favorites and I don't scoff when he eats them in front of me. I know his metabolism is different and we are DIFFERENT human beings. I should have learned this a long time ago, I could have avoided the 75lbs I put on during our marriage.

[Frustr8 7,886]

We had equal or worse in my Nursing School,class. The husbands couldn't accept the independence and ability to support themself instead of being in emotionall supression and no,longer,having her,financially dependant on him for every bit of money. And if you think I' m imagining this I heard a soon to be ex verbalize in my presence. I was,glad he didn't slap her in my presence because my redheaded temper might have erupted. Thought he was kind of low class doing it where he could be overheard. so was embarrassed for my classmate.

[jessicasz 8]

Thanks everyone so much for your thoughts. You've all really helped. Hubby and I had a "discussion" last night (there were lots of tears) and we have a plan of action. I'm going to do some soul-searching to figure out the real reason why I'm wanting the surgery. He's going to go to therapy. I'm probably also going to go to therapy. I think we'll be ok.