unwanted sexual advances by boss

[catzintj 1]

has anyone had to deal with the whole sexual harrassment issue at work. a man from the uppermost management has made it perfectly clear that he would like to ADVANCE my career....... he stopped by my office last nite. after hours for him...... came on so strong, telling me how smart and sexy i am. blah blah blah. i was so uncomfortable. im not sure how to respond. i have a good job and he is really popular. no one would believe me if i said he was coming on to me. i cant believe that im the first women he has done this too. i dont want any trouble or to even deal with this situation. im so tired of married old men coming on to me, but this one is my boss and he is very insistant........... i told him last nite that i wasnt interested in ADVANCING MY CAREER. he said he would give me more time to think about it. i am worried about retaliation. i already had trouble before with a coworker and he doesnt work here anymore. i did not report him but people saw how he was treating me and the did not renew his contract. so i got lucky that time. but now im freaking out. i dont need this now . i have too much on my plate already.

i keep thinking " what am i doing to deserve this" i dont dress sexy at work. i wear scrubs. i dont flirt with men at work. so why me. im not weak or passive......... anyone else have to deal with this.........

[babs0101 1]

I wish I had words of wisdom for you. I have never been in that position. Maybe if you chuckle like you thought he was kidding or the thought of being with him was just too funny, saying thanks but no thanks. I just don't know. I do know I'm bold enough to tell the jerk where to get off. But that is me. I hope all works out for the best for you.

[Chelle B 0]

has anyone had to deal with the whole sexual harrassment issue at work. a man from the uppermost management has made it perfectly clear that he would like to ADVANCE my career....... he stopped by my office last nite. after hours for him...... came on so strong, telling me how smart and sexy i am. blah blah blah. i was so uncomfortable. im not sure how to respond. i have a good job and he is really popular. no one would believe me if i said he was coming on to me. i cant believe that im the first women he has done this too. i dont want any trouble or to even deal with this situation. im so tired of married old men coming on to me, but this one is my boss and he is very insistant........... i told him last nite that i wasnt interested in ADVANCING MY CAREER. he said he would give me more time to think about it. i am worried about retaliation. i already had trouble before with a coworker and he doesnt work here anymore. i did not report him but people saw how he was treating me and the did not renew his contract. so i got lucky that time. but now im freaking out. i dont need this now . i have too much on my plate already.

i keep thinking " what am i doing to deserve this" i dont dress sexy at work. i wear scrubs. i dont flirt with men at work. so why me. im not weak or passive......... anyone else have to deal with this.........

This is not about sex - it's about power. The best response is the toughest one - be very direct. Tell him that you are uncomfortable with his comments (if it happens again), and that you hope you are misunderstanding him as that would be very inappropriate. Generally that stops all but the most stupid offenders, and also gives you more support when you report it. It also gives him an out, so that he can apologize and say he didn't mean it. Take care.

[Chris_NJ 9]

This is not about sex - it's about power. The best response is the toughest one - be very direct. Tell him that you are uncomfortable with his comments (if it happens again), and that you hope you are misunderstanding him as that would be very inappropriate. Generally that stops all but the most stupid offenders, and also gives you more support when you report it. It also gives him an out, so that he can apologize and say he didn't mean it. Take care.

I would also keep a log of what happened. Maybe tell someone also.

[phyllisc 0]

I guess I would try to ignore it as much as possible, but if he persists, I would tell him that you are flattered but the circumstances are all wrong for anything other than a professional relationship. You shouldn't have to be burdened with this kind of tension at work. Persuing a case against someone for sexual harrassment is extremely stressful especially since you like your job and would like to keep it. Good luck and I hope that everything turns out in your favor.

[Wheetsin 714]

What you are describing is quid pro quo sexual harassment. In other words, "this for that." If you're "ok" with being sexually harassed in the workplace or "dont want any trouble or to even deal with this situation" then ignore his behavior. By doing this, you give him permission to objectifty you, continue the harassment, and put your job in continued jeopardy. You also kind of forfeit the right to complain about it if you're not willing to try and effect a change.

If you are not "ok" with being a target of sexual harassment, then tell him to stop sexually harassing you. Look into the laws your state has on the matter, you can start here. You cannot be rightfully fired for making efforts to stop sexual harassment. This is prohibited under Title VII. Retaliation includes tranfer to another area, demotion from current position, dismissal from current position, and poor performance evaluations. Your actions protected against retaliation include (among others) resisting advances and registering a complaint.

I disagree with the past advice. Don't tell him you're flattered. Flattered?! Come on! Even "I'm flattered, but..." still says "I'm flattered." ARE you flattered? If not, then never say it. You cannot expect a behavior to change if you are inciting it, and telling him that his actions flatter you is definitely incitement.

Do tell him that his advances, comments, etc. are unwanted and make you uncomfortable. If it continues, you're either "ok" with it, or not, and your actions from that point forward are 100% up to you.

anyone else have to deal with this.........

Yes, at a place where I was a director and he was the VP. I told him to stop, it did not stop. I took the issue to the board of directors and it still did not stop so I escalated it to my state's Commission on Human Rights. It stopped then, I resigned after a few weeks, and he was fired within 3 days of my departure. I don't regret one ounce of it.

He was inappropriate, no ifs ands or buts.

I respect myself too much to just ignore it.

I respect my marriage too much to just ignore it.

I respect my professionalism and career too much to ignore it.

You jsut have to figure out where your priorities are, and then the decision, either way, is not so hard.

[phyllisc 0]

"I disagree with the past advice. Don't tell him you're flattered. Flattered?! Come on! Even "I'm flattered, but..." still says "I'm flattered." ARE you flattered? If not, then never say it. You cannot expect a behavior to change if you are inciting it, and telling him that his actions flatter you is definitely incitement."

You are absolutly right. I guess I am just a product of my generation when we didn't have laws that were on our side and had to deal with situations on our own. Just putting a stop to it by whatever means that worked was the objective.

Once the head of our department (back in the early 70's) grabbed my rear end and I just hauled off and slugged him. That put a stop to it.

[Daisalana 33]

Just my quick little advice, you need to tell someone above him. By law, they have to investigate. We had this happen at work recently, and we had to keep a paper trail and sign acknowledgements that management was notified and it is being resolved.

It may be emberassing but, in the long run it's better you put an end to it now before it turns into a Lifetime story plot

[Marimaru 7]

It doesn't matter what his position in the company is. I'm sure there is an HR department that you can report this to. It is their job to take your complaint and investigate it. It doesn't matter whether they "believe" you or not, really. If they take their job seriously, they will take care of you. If not, follow Wheetsin's path. You need to take care of you, and you need to make sure you work for a company that has ethics enough to make be sure this kind of thing doesn't continue happening.

[Wheetsin 714]

My personal path was a bit extreme but the regular channels weren't working, and it was causing a much larger problem. I just deleted my long paragraph of examples because that's not the point, but let's just say it was extremely obscene, inappropriate, and malicious (one of the more tame events being this VP saying he'd love to watch me and his daughter go at each other.)

But you really have to do, or do not.

Companies expect you to stand up for yourself and follow the channels you have available. If you sit there and take it for two years, you will have a much harder fight than if you go on first offense.

[catzintj 1]

thanks for all the advice. very helpful information. after thinking about it , im hoping maybe i took him too serious. but, if it happens again im going to just tell him that he needs to realize his behavior is innapropriate and that i will not accept it. i have to deal with it even if i dont want to.....

[smsmithart 4]

everytime you see him gush to yhim or coworkers in earshot of him how great your guy is and how generous and devoted to you he is he will back off send yourself a huge bunch of roses and display them prodly on your desk..

[catzintj 1]

i dont have the problem boss anymore. thank god.

[lindata 1]

This has never happened to me, but I would make sure I have a record of it for legal purposes. If he's the boss, it's your word against his. You need proof. Someone mentioned keeping a log. That's a great idea. Another thing is having a small cassette recorder on your person and if you see him approach like this, put it on record. Anything you can do to keep a record of it is going to help you.

And please be careful. If he's pressuring you like this behind the scenes, he may have the courage to really corner you one day when no one is around.

This should not be happening in this day and age. It sounds like something from the 70's.

[Kat817 19]

I am really glad you no longer have that boss to deal with. Someone advised when in this postion to keep a log of what happen when. Good plan. My niece dealt with this...from her bosses WIFE! Her attorney had her log what was happening, but also had her write it down----and mail it to herself---within 24 hours of the contact. Then when the envelope come, to just put it in her court file, un opened. Then when they were in court, and the defending attorney claimed she was making things up as they went, her attorney, showed the judge an envelope with a postmark of the offending day---------and told the judge she could open it and find a detailed report written the night of the offense! Worked like a charm!!!

Cheap proof of timing for the cost of a stamp!

Kat