Spouse of a WLS patient

[capty 8]

So I can't find a forum for spouses. So I was hoping some of you can give me some tips.

My husband's surgery is Monday. We live 4 hours from the hospital and he will have to stay 8-10 days in a hotel. I have to go back for 4 days because my job. After that I will be out of work until May/June (seasonal jobs).

I don't want to be the a-hole who dangles food in front of him, however eating out until he is ready is unrealistic for me.

How do I strike a balance? During this pre-op stage I've been good about eating at work (a restaurant) and then having yogurt or Soup at home.

When work stops next week, all my meals will be at home (except when we travel for the surgery.). I can't keep up Soups and yogurts at home or weeks. (note- I'm an avid hiker and average 28 miles of walking a week, so I need calories.)

I know some people are different, but how long was it before you were okay with food being around?

What other things could your SO been more supportive about?

I've read gas is an issue. Which is scary because between him and our English bulldog its already pretty gassy around here 😯. But seriously, any other side effects I should be aware of?

I'm for the surgery, so that is not an issue. I just dont know anyone who has been through to ask.

[FluffyChix 17,415]

I don't think there is a spouse board, but Welcome and post often in my opinion! You will learn so much here. I know I have -- and continue to learn daily.

How come you have to be in the hotel for 10 days? People who go down to Mexico don't even hang out that long post surgery and most of those have an air trip home! I was out of the hospital (RNY) literally within 24 hours--gone by 11:30am so I avoided a 2nd day hospital charge. And was up walking at home (1 1/2 hours away) that same day as soon as we got home. I went back for a 1 week, 2week, 1month, and will go for a 3month, 6month, 9month, 12month check up. The drive will be way cheaper than 10 days of hotels and being cooped up in an unfamiliar bed/territory.

My recliner chair made sleeping so easy and comfy. No way would I have been comfy in bed or on a couch. And having my own things around me made it easy.

I really commend you for supporting your hubs and not eating in front of him, especially on the pre-op. I made dinner for my non-bariatric DH during pre and post op despite being on liquids. I enjoyed it. I view that I'M the one getting the surgery. No one's life should have to change because of my decision. So everyone eats their normal routine around me and I'm perfectly ok with that. It's life as usual. But DH is on a weight loss plan with me -- by choice, and it's just the two of us.

I think the best thing Mr. F. has helped me with is just being a mental/emotional support system--allowing me to talk and process with him as a sounding board. He's verbally affirming, and shows emotionally and physically that he appreciates my efforts. He's one of my cheerleaders. When I am struggling with head stuff, he's there to help, but isn't pushy about it. He walks with me and is helping me increase my physical endurance. And we do fun stuff together again--outside the house that is not food motivated.

Hope those ideas help you! Again, please post often!

[James Marusek 5,244]

After surgery, I took care of my meals myself. It was perfectly fine with me if my wife ate whatever she wanted and I ate what I wanted. Besides right after surgery, the volume of food I was consuming was almost negligible.

I had RNY gastric bypass whereas it appears that your husband is going in for sleeve surgery. This article describes my experiences after surgery. So your husbands experience may be a little different. http://www.breadandbutterscience.com/Surgery.pdf

During the first week after surgery, most of the pain you husband will experience is caused by gas. It is important for him to walk, walk, walk to relieve this pain. It also helps to prevent blood clots from forming. But after that time, he may vent 2 or 3 times his normal rate. That is because his stomach is significantly smaller and will not be able to store the amount of gas as he did prior to surgery.

The three most important elements after surgery are to meet your daily Protein, Fluid and Vitamin requirements. Food is secondary because your body is converting your stored fat into the energy that drives your body. Thus you lose weight.

Weight loss is achieved after surgery through meal volume control. You begin at 2 ounces (1/4 cup) per meal and for gastric bypass patients gradually over the next year and a half increase the volume to 1 cup per meal. With this minuscule amount of food, it is next to impossible to meet your protein daily requirements by food alone, so therefore you need to rely on supplements such as Protein Shakes.

[Orchids&Dragons 9,047]

OK, I'll admit to being selfish here. During the pre-op clear liquid phase (just 2 days) I asked my family to eat dinners out. I was soooo hungry. After the surgery, it wasn't nearly so challenging. But still, if you can avoid cooking foods that smell really deliscious and have to cook for hours, that would be kind. (Smelling chili cooking for 3 hours just about did me in!) Depending on his doctor, he may be on liquids for 2 weeks or longer after the surgery. I found that to be the hardest time. Once I could get something even a bit solid, like applesauce, it wasn't so bad. A lot will depend on whether he experiences a lot of nausea, too.

Good luck to you both!

[nancymm72 13]

I didn't have the preop diet. But when I came home from the hospital I made individual meals for them before the surgery. I at what the dr order were and they are what I had made. We still sat down are at table like a normal family ate

[Ghamara 12]

I did appreciate if they didn't eat stuff in front of me pre-op, but really post-op I wasn't interested in their food at all so even though they still tried to be kind with it all, I told them it was honestly fine and to not worry about it. I did appreciate the effort though -- so I think it is an individual thing. Just done bring in or make his favorites and he should be good.

[capty 8]

38 minutes ago, FluffyChix said:

I don't think there is a spouse board, but Welcome and post often in my opinion! You will learn so much here. I know I have -- and continue to learn daily.

How come you have to be in the hotel for 10 days? People who go down to Mexico don't even hang out that long post surgery and most of those have an air trip home! I was out of the hospital (RNY) literally within 24 hours--gone by 11:30am so I avoided a 2nd day hospital charge. And was up walking at home (1 1/2 hours away) that same day as soon as we got home. I went back for a 1 week, 2week, 1month, and will go for a 3month, 6month, 9month, 12month check up. The drive will be way cheaper than 10 days of hotels and being cooped up in an unfamiliar bed/territory.

My recliner chair made sleeping so easy and comfy. No way would I have been comfy in bed or on a couch. And having my own things around me made it easy.

I really commend you for supporting your hubs and not eating in front of him, especially on the pre-op. I made dinner for my non-bariatric DH during pre and post op despite being on liquids. I enjoyed it. I view that I'M the one getting the surgery. No one's life should have to change because of my decision. So everyone eats their normal routine around me and I'm perfectly ok with that. It's life as usual. But DH is on a weight loss plan with me -- by choice, and it's just the two of us.

I think the best thing Mr. F. has helped me with is just being a mental/emotional support system--allowing me to talk and process with him as a sounding board. He's verbally affirming, and shows emotionally and physically that he appreciates my efforts. He's one of my cheerleaders. When I am struggling with head stuff, he's there to help, but isn't pushy about it. He walks with me and is helping me increase my physical endurance. And we do fun stuff together again--outside the house that is not food motivated.

Hope those ideas help you! Again, please post often!

I'm not sure. this doctor says if you are more than 2 hours away you need to stay in Denver for up to 10 days. Although we have an appt on thr 8th day. we live at altitude so made that is it?

[FluffyChix 17,415]

9 minutes ago, capty said:

I'm not sure. this doctor says if you are more than 2 hours away you need to stay in Denver for up to 10 days. Although we have an appt on thr 8th day. we live at altitude so made that is it?

Oh yeah. Maybe that is it? Also if you're up in the mountains and have little access to a big hospital, that may be problematic too. Damn, I don't even wanna think about the gas in the shoulders post surgery and high altitude. LOL! Ouchy!!

Oh btw, Gas X strips were a life saver to me post surgery for bowel gas that happens naturally as part of the surgery. The wind usually dies down for people.

But post surgery gas is different. It's the stuff they pump into your body outside of the bowels to separate the lining of the stomach from your viscera so they have room to work. It will migrate to your chest, and shoulders after surgery and cause chest, back, and shoulder pain as well as a distended abdomen.

[Ellens531 81]

This is a good. My boyfriend will be getting sleeved about 3 months or so before me if all goes as planned. Which is perfect because like you, I have English bulldogs. My 3 are older and 1 sometimes requires to be carried. So one of us has to be healed before the other goes in. I am also worried about eating in front of him. I am a big fan of my Protein Shakes in the morning now. I love them. So that's not an issue. I am worried about food at night. I guess I will have to wait for him and he can let me know how he feels about it. Either way, I will be supportive and do what I can to make his new journey easier and I hope he will do the same for me.

[FluffyChix 17,415]

I agree it was much, much harder before surgery than after. I would serve him dinner and just go in the other room and do stuff like talk here, or do dishes. That way, his life would be normal--since it was me having the surgery. It was up to me to control what I could or couldn't handle. You know?

[sillykitty 10,765]

57 minutes ago, Orchids&Dragons said:

if you can avoid cooking foods that smell really deliscious and have to cook for hours, that would be kind. (Smelling chili cooking for 3 hours just about did me in!)

I agree with this. One of the things I had to learn after surgery was to separate head hunger from physical hunger. Seeing, smelling, thinking about food makes me feel hungry, and it is indistinguishable from physical hunger. It took me some time to realize, if I didn't have a trigger, I wasn't hungry. Since realizing that, it has been way easier to reason with myself that if I'm feeling hungry, it's not real, and a Protein Shake will do.

Everyone is different as far as recovery. I had no issue with gas at all, neither surgical gas nor gi gas.

I'd suggest talking to the Dr about the long hotel stay. I stay at hotel frequently for work, but the thought of being in one for ten days straight makes me want to climb the walls. I would just want to know the reasoning behind it, and if the reasoning doesn't apply to my situation then to ask for an exception.

[capty 8]

31 minutes ago, sillykitty said:

I agree with this. One of the things I had to learn after surgery was to separate head hunger from physical hunger. Seeing, smelling, thinking about food makes me feel hungry, and it is indistinguishable from physical hunger. It took me some time to realize, if I didn't have a trigger, I wasn't hungry. Since realizing that, it has been way easier to reason with myself that if I'm feeling hungry, it's not real, and a Protein Shake will do.

Everyone is different as far as recovery. I had no issue with gas at all, neither surgical gas nor gi gas.

I'd suggest talking to the Dr about the long hotel stay. I stay at hotel frequently for work, but the thought of being in one for ten days straight makes me want to climb the walls. I would just want to know the reasoning behind it, and if the reasoning doesn't apply to my situation then to ask for an exception.

We have already talked to him about it. That is what he wants.

My husband will be taking an online class (to become a certified master chef).. So that will keep him busy. I will return on day 7 (After the resturant) closes) to take him back.

thx for all the replies.

[GreenTealael 25,314]

So I can't find a forum for spouses. So I was hoping some of you can give me some tips.

My husband's surgery is Monday. We live 4 hours from the hospital and he will have to stay 8-10 days in a hotel. I have to go back for 4 days because my job. After that I will be out of work until May/June (seasonal jobs).

I don't want to be the a-hole who dangles food in front of him, however eating out until he is ready is unrealistic for me.
How do I strike a balance? During this pre-op stage I've been good about eating at work (a restaurant) and then having yogurt or Soup at home.

When work stops next week, all my meals will be at home (except when we travel for the surgery.). I can't keep up Soups and yogurts at home or weeks. (note- I'm an avid hiker and average 28 miles of walking a week, so I need calories.)

I know some people are different, but how long was it before you were okay with food being around?

What other things could your SO been more supportive about?

I've read gas is an issue. Which is scary because between him and our English bulldog its already pretty gassy around here [emoji54]. But seriously, any other side effects I should be aware of?
I'm for the surgery, so that is not an issue. I just dont know anyone who has been through to ask.

I think the balance occurs when it's not all about one person
He may need to come to grips with you needing to eat also and excusing himself from the room sometimes
The burden CANNOT be all yours

Amazing of you to be the super support system but don't forget about yourself

[kandywolf 161]

I have to admit, I am still not ok with going out to eat. First off, drink with a straw, a big nono and my body lets me know after awhile. food choices usually are slim. Alcohol also if he has an occasional drink. None for 6 months. The food part isnt too bad for me. The big thing is not drinking anything for 30 min after.
I think it is awesome you are supporting him. Maybe ask him? I cook for the other 4 in the house, (my cousin and her family) and afterwards come back over to my area (I have an efficiency apartment that is attached to their house) and make my dinner. It isnt always easy. You forget easily. Old habits die hard. Good luck to you both!


SW 350 (11/15)
BSW 260 (10/17/17)
CW 207 (3/18/18)
RGW 199
GW 175

[TakingABreak 2,733]

On ‎04‎/‎06‎/‎2018 at 8:53 AM, capty said:

I'm not sure. this doctor says if you are more than 2 hours away you need to stay in Denver for up to 10 days. Although we have an appt on thr 8th day. we live at altitude so made that is it?

I was over 3 hours away from my surgeon and he required me to stay locally until my post op appointment which was 10 days after surgery. This is common practice if you don't live nearby.