Feeling Really Down

[Macs1978 25]

Over the years, I’ve really struggled and if am truthful didn’t fully follow through with any diet I tried. I can make excuses that I was always hungry, or they were too restrictive, or they didn’t make me feel good but in the end, I didn’t complete any diet until I lost the weight. My husband and I have had a LOT of issues over the years which we have gone to therapy for and I really thought things were getting better. One of the issues has been my weight and he has said some things I feel really hurt about over the years. “Our daughter is going to graduate from high school with you still having that baby weight” said for the first time when she was 5, she’s 9 now. Things like how uncomfortable he was because I was the biggest mom at the party in a size 16/18. How I’m really wide and it makes me look really big. When we were working through therapy he told me he said those things out of anger and didn’t mean them.

It took me a lot to convince him that WLS was the best option for me so I wanted to include him in every step and hold myself accountable to someone because it costs a lot of money. Last night as I was preparing to begin my pre-op diet I told him my starting weight if 246. He said whatever he can do to support me to let him know and I said thank you. That I was ashamed of where I had gotten but I really felt this was going to work. For some reason that got to him and the next thing I know, in a span of 10 minutes he told me I was a quitter for failing all the diets before, I lied to him for years by saying I would lose the weight and then not managing to do it and I was putting my responsibility to lose my weight on someone else by having surgery and if I didn’t have the surgery, it’s a fact our daughter would graduate from high school with me still having the “baby fat” or worse. This is after I told him that the statement about the baby fat was one of the most hurtful statements he had ever said to me. He told me it’s my fault for letting those things hurt me because they are 100% factual. Even if they were which I can’t see how they are as my daughter is only in 3rd grade, I feel he was cruel.

I am completely honest with myself that I failed but I don’t think I’m a quitter when I’m 2 weeks away from a surgery that will help with my hunger issues. I also know I’m still responsible for what happens after because this is a life style change and the way I eat will change forever. I’ve prayed and feel so much that this is the right decision for me.

I just feel absolutely demoralized by the things he has said and he tried ending the conversation by saying he meant it to be positive and he is here for me but doesn’t want me to make excuses. I will call my therapist and set up an appointment but I really needed to get this off my chest this morning as I woke up so full of pain.

To anyone else who has struggled with diet after diet and pill after pill, you are NOT a quitter! WLS is a tool that will help with a lot of the issues which made us unsuccessful before but the fact you are still trying should make you proud. And no matter what we may feel about ourselves on the outside, may we all learn not to let that define who we are because we are so much better than that!

Thanks for letting me share. My heart feels a little lighter.

[Creekimp13 5,840]

Statistically, 85% of people who have weight loss surgery get divorced within the first few years after surgery.

Someone here said their surgeon told them it makes a good marriage better, and a bad marriage worse.

How to put this eloquently?

Your husband sounds like an abusive jerk and you should have left him long ago. Why haven't you?

I think he's scared to death you'll succeed. Which is why he sabotages you and tries to make you feel like dirt.

Yes, his mental health issues are pitiable. But at this point he cares so little for your welfare he's trying to derail your efforts to take charge of your health due to his insecurity.

Your post is written by a downtrodden broken person who takes the blame for everything. I don't think that's who you are or who you want to be. It's who he's made you become.

Your daughter is watching. Every time he hurls caustic insults...she gets used to that being ok. It's not ok. And it's a terrible example. Do you want her to end up with a guy who treats her like that? Of course you don't.

Have the surgery. Stick to your plan.

Get rid of this jerk. Have a happy life with someone who respects you.

You're stronger than you think.

Edited March 20, 2018 by Creekimp13

[Sosewsue61 3,185]

Your husband is a total tool. And he is using excuses to be mean. He has no idea how difficult this is to be obese, to diet and fail, to have to struggle with the impact of the weight and the attempts to lose the weight, no idea at all. AND when you are successful, he will not credit you with it, he will then say - 'the surgery did it, not you, you took the easy way out.' I can hear it now. He says he is saying these things because they are 'the truth' but he is also delivering that with malice and intentional pain. He needs counseling.

Stand firm, don't let him or anyone get in your way of this surgery or your goals. We support you here, come and vent all you want, and we will cheer you on and Celebrate your successes.

[FluffyChix 17,415]

I too would say this. ((hugs)) Hurting from any kind of abuse SUCKS!!! Receiving hurt from the person you love and trust hurts even more.

But here's the deal. Become a warrior. Do it for yourself and your daughter and do it by yourself. Do NOT depend on him for any type of emotional support.

AND choose your timing. While he supports you, do EVERYTHING you need to do to get healthy and whole and do it quickly with all haste. Be the best forking wls patient evs. Lose the most weight, the most inches, get in the BEST shape of your life. Do it on HIS dime. Cuz you know victory and paybacks are a b***h!!!! Go to therapy (by yourself FOR yourself). Take advantage of EVERY tool offered to help you become victorious and a smoking hotty with a brick shi*house body!

Then review your reality once you've accomplished everything. If you can forgive this tool and move forward into the future with a new reality. Then meh, who am I to judge. But if it were me, I'd get healthy on his dime, then divorce his sorry ass and take half of his money to boot. I would get you and your daughter out of that toxic cesspool and start a new life that YOU define.

((hugs)) Remember, CHOOSE your timing and your battles. Don't keep making trips to the dry well. Don't show him your hand. You do YOU. Let him do him.

[frust8 963]

Excellent excellent Advice. Life is too danged short to be sad, miserable and emotionally downtrodden. [emoji12]

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[deltagirl93 79]

I agree with previous posters. Do this for you! Not sure if he’s one of the types that gets off on making you feel bad, but if it were me, I’d snap back with “...and you can kiss my ENTIRE baby fat ASS, MOTHER F—R!”

I know it’s not the most wholesome language. However, sometimes you have to JOLT these SOBs out of their comfort zones of saying crap like that.

I wish you the best. Focus on you and your daughter for now, and seek others for your emotional support. It’s not coming from him. He truly may not know how to give it. I don’t know how he was raised or what, but that can have a lot to do with it.

Good luck!

[TakingABreak 2,733]

I'm sorry you are going through this with your husband. I know I'm 8 weeks post op and I've already noticed a change in my closest relationships. My husband, while nothing like what you are going through, hasn't complimented me once. In fact, he hasn't said ONE word about my progress unless prompted by me. What does that mean? I don't know, but it hurts my feelings. However, he has been supportive by going to the gym with me ect. Maybe I'm overly sensitive.

However, my best friend, has changed 100%. We used to talk on a daily basis. We used to make plans at least once per week. Now, I haven't seen her in going on 3 weeks. Haven't talked to her on the phone in longer. I'm not sure what's going on with her, but something has changed and I just so happed to have surgery. She is overweight and when I got home from the hospital she decided to try some fad diet. It was all she talked about for weeks and weeks. Then overnight completely failed. After she failed, things changed.

My point is not to make this about me, but to say that people change after WLS. Friends, family, spouses. It was something I was warned about in my psych evaluation. I hope you and your husband make amends, if that's what you want.

We are with you in this journey. Xo

[frust8 963]

And if you still humble youself and hang around? You end up with a model like my late only somewhat Lamented. The baby fat remark sounds so familiar. My crowning blow? "You are so fat and ugly not even a blind man would touch YOU." And now at 72 I am going to get the surgery I have needed and wanted for years! And although there were times I loved the ground he walked on, they became few and far between. Not the existance you want or deserve, please do this for yourself and that precious daughter. There is a strong probability she'll think these are the right ways to be treated and you will end up with a son-in-law cut from the same bolt of fabric.[emoji26] (hugs and a tearful kiss on the cheek)

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[Sosewsue61 3,185]

@Macs1978 I would not tell anyone to get divorced, that doesn't help you right now with your surgery or journey. I would however take your husband out for coffee and tell him his responses are not that of a grown man that is supposed to cherish his wife for herself, AND that he is forbidden from further comments good or bad on your weight because you cannot be sure of his integrity on the subject based on the recent comments. And then tell him you forgive him. Close the subject. He now owns his behavior entirely.

And stick to this, and gear up for your journey - clean out your cupboards of junk (your daughter doesn't need it, there will be plenty of kid events and holidays for that and the hubs can get his own diversions, he is an adult) - you run the house and set the rules. Love yourself, honor your awesomeness, let go of guilt, shame, and anger. Good luck.

[James Marusek 5,244]

You are 2 weeks away from surgery. I would recommend three things.

1. Take a good before photograph of yourself, so that you have something to compare to after surgery. Many times we are blind to our obesity. We do not see ourselves. Therefore when the weight begins to drop off rather dramatically, we question if this is really happening. Photographs are a good visualization of our success. Many people carry a before and after photo with them, just to remind themselves of their success.

2. Walk 30 minutes each day, every day until surgery (or equivalent exercise). Walking helps the recovery process go smoothly and minimized the pain levels from surgery.

3. Wean yourself from caffeine and carbonated beverages now. After I gave up my 6 diet coke a day habit, I suffered from a week of severe withdrawal syndrome consisting of severe headaches and body aches. I was miserable. You don't want to combine the effects of caffeine withdrawal with the effects of surgery.

[aNYCdb 310]

Folks here have offered some amazing advice that I would echo wholeheartedly. Remember you are doing this surgery for yourself and you shouldn't let anyone, no matter who they are tell you that you aren't good enough or aren't smart enough to know what's best for you.

[Macs1978 25]

Thank you all so much for your comments and advice! This show of support has helped me more than I can say. Every person had something to say that I took to heart. Thanks for “listening” to me and being there when I so badly needed it. I am really looking forward to my journey towards a healthier life and all that entails both physically and psychologically.

[frust8 963]

And you'll be able to be a Stable Mabel and an inspiration to us all. Macs1978 we[emoji173] you and we know you will triumph!

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[newmebithebypass 713]

Awe honim sorry you are getting treated this way at all it's not fair but your stronger than you think

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[soready17 167]

Okay here's another opinion which might cause some ruffled feathers. My first impression of what you wrote was that you have many issues with your weight and your husband. As I continued to read I felt that your husband might be really stressed out about I don't know what but even the surgery so soon may have something to do with it. You are the care taker of your house and he probably feels like this is an inconvenience for him and is lashing out at you. He is most definitely wrong for his mean words and intent to hurt you. The way he ended his rant by saying he meant to be positive and he doesn't want you to make excuses makes me feel as though he mayyyybe regretted his rant and that's what he truly meant(I could be wrong though). Men sometimes don't have filters unfortunately, but it doesnt mean he doesnt love and support you. He seems really frustrated and doesnt know what do with himself. Also you pretty much have to ride it out and see if he truly does support you. I have a question.. is he cruel and mean to you on a regular basis or just when it comes to your weight?
The reason why I have this different view from the other posters is because I have a husband similar to yours. He's never been purposefully mean but he definetly has no filter and it causes us many problems. I am 7 months post op and we are better then ever now. And alot if the positives that have happened in my marriage post vsg were not even related to my husband's thoughtless words...it all had to do with me. My confidence went up I gave him a no nonsense attitude about my life and how I am trying to better myself...and if he isn't on the same track as me he will have to go. That got his attention and as fluffychix said if you can forgive him and he truly loves and supports you he will change and realise how amazing you truly are and you will have him wrapped around your little finger. Sorry ladies sometimes not all all of us women will have knights in shining armor who will tend to our every need and emotion. I wish I did I truly do. But reality is men are jerks doesn't mean we divorce them as soon as they say something hurtful. They are humans too. Im sure we all have said some things that we didnt mean. We just get tougher skin to deal with people like them.
On the other hand if you husband is always mean and continuously ruins your day then priorities must be given my friend. Do as fluffy said succeed and exit the relationship.simple as that

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