What did you tell your teen children?

[Deb100 16]

Hi all, I would appreciate your thoughts on this topic. I have 5 kids ranging in age from 12 - 19 years old. I just made the decision last week to move ahead with bariatric surgery. At this moment I feel ashamed that I have come to this point with my weight. My instincts right now are telling me “make something up, what can I tell the kids I am having done? I can’t let them know I have given up and this is my last resort”

I know I have a lot of emotional work to do from top to bottom... My head is spinning right now and would appreciate any thoughts or advice folks may have. Thank you

[KCgirl061 1,532]

I haven’t told my kids yet. I wish I had a successful talk about it well behind me and could give you solid advice. The only thing I can think to suggest is to stop thinking of it as giving up. You’re giving yourself a tool to succeed. Tell them you want to be able to do physical activities with them some day that you can’t now. Tell them you want to not only be there at their weddings someday but that you want to be able to walk proudly down the aisle and kick it on the dance floor!

[Acts238girl 73]

I have a huge age range of 8 kids: 22, 19, 18, 14, 8, 6, 4 and 1! I felt the same way you do, and totally understand. For some reason I didn't want to tell my daughter (14) because at that age I didn't want her questioning her body or self image. I told my 22 year-old the day before. He is stationed in CA in the Marines and I figured ...if something happened. He was pleased with my decision and I got the thumbs up! The other two older boys I told the truth too: my blood pressure has been high for years, high cholesterol, and now diabetic, all genetic. They KNOW I am always going, and busy - seen me going to the gym, walking 10K steps in JUST my daily routine, so they know it's not from lack of trying. They also said it was a good choice, but "surgery" made them nervous. It made ME nervous! Lol! Initially I told my 14 year old daughter that I was having a hernia repair. I told the little kids that I was just having surgery on my stomach to fix something. After I had surgery, I did tell my fourteen-year-old the truth. I figured she was smart enough to put two and two together and I didn't want her to be hurt that I lied. I explained it just like I did to the older kids and she seemed fine with it. I also told her my reasoning for not telling her right away. The good part about the kids knowing, is it a chip in and help a lot more. I couldn't pick up the one-year-old for two weeks and they were all fabulous to help. In the long run, I think the truth is better because your kids have seen you try to lose weight. They've seen you check out Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, paleo diets, Etc. Yes, this is an extreme measure but you want to be around for years to come, and they want you too!

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[Sonyawon 135]

Absolutely what kcgirl061 said....I'm a year and 2 months out I can keep up with my 21 year old on a obstacle course wow never thought I'd see the day ...trust me... you need to tell them because they will support you and encourage you through your tough times be very open.....my kids are so proud of me and thankful I'm not just sitting around .....my daughter said since I had this done I've been so happy and of course nobody really knows what goes on inside my head but I do know that I have been tremendously happy and yes there is always those mind games that your mind puts you through during your weight loss but your kids will listen to you and they'll acknowledge and they'll help ....I'm going to be a grandma for the first time and I'm so thankful I've made this change I'll be able to play with my grandchild and keep up and not be worn out

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[frust8 963]

You are gonna be one funky granny, so proud of you, you'll be able to keep up with all your grandbaby's future foibles but you'll love it and cherish it anyway . Do you know yet whether it will be a boy or girl or is it early days now? I'm jumping up and down with happy for you, doctor would say I need the exercise anyway.

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[Sonyawon 135]

Lol your a comedian like me lol.

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[Sonyawon 135]

She had one altra sound at3 month it was awesome ..but don't know yet if boy or girl ...she is 3mth and 3 weeks now and yes we are all so excited it'll be the first baby in our family since my daughter almost 22 years ago

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[Sonyawon 135]

So see we all need to look to our future.... we have lots of wonderful things coming that our children will say we need to be around for.... So lets all jump with frust8 its good for us lol

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[frust8 963]

Deb tell them, "you remember how I always said life was a growing up experience and to use the tools to help you grow? Well Mom is still learning and growing herself. My doctor and I have decided it might be a good idea if I lowered my weight. A good tool for me will be weight loss surgery. I love each of you and I would like to be here and enjoy the stages as you grow further. I want to see each of you get married, I want to hold your children, my grandbabies, I don't want to be the lady they see in a picture frame. Don't be afraid, I'll still be your mom, I'll just have a smaller physical body. I'll need your help, even moms need help at times. Be happy for me, be here for me and we'll face this together as a family. You are important to me and I know you feel the same. Now give me a hug or kiss and please know everything's going to be just fine." If your kids are the great kids you know they are, cause you raised them, they will appreciate you treating them like adults , involving them and even admitting moms aren't always perfect but they are the best friend they'll ever find. The Bariatric Grandma has spoke her piece,now go hug each one of them for me. And God's richest blessings on your journey.

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[Creekimp13 5,840]

My kiddo has been on "Team Mom" since I started researching the surgery and which group I wanted to use. She's a Microbiology major at a major medical research university (her program was Pre-Med, but she's since elected to go to grad school to be a medical entomologist) and was really excited to help me research, and even more excited to see me address some of my medical conditions that have concerned her.

She's 22, and has been one of my biggest cheerleaders.

Also....here's a reality. Our kids share our genetics, and they absorbed our horrible food choices. Changing food culture at our house has been a family effort. My daughter and I are exchanging recipes, diet strategies and research articles.

Every day we have a standing date on the phone. She's walking the two miles home to her apartment instead of taking the bus, and I walk with her every day (even though we're a hundred miles apart). It's an awesome time to talk and support each other's exercise habits.

Be honest with your kids. Particularly, about an issue they might find themselves facing someday. Shame you direct at yourself...will be shame they feel is directed at them if they suffer weight issues. Don't go there. Work as a family to be happy and healthy and have a healthier fitness culture:)

Edited March 6, 2018 by Creekimp13

[Sosewsue61 3,185]

You have to let go of the shame, you can't move forward unless you are kind to yourself. My two grandgirls age 8 and 10 live here, they don't know what kind of surgery I had but they understand Grandma is on a specific plan and getting healthy. My adult kids know and where very on board with it and cheer me on. I did not tell a lot of other people, only a select few.

[MrsGamgee 756]

I've been up front with my kids from the beginning of this journey, but then I've always been honest about my medical stuff with them (partly because they needed to know what to do if I had a sugar low or something). I need them to understand that I'm doing this to take care of myself, to better my health and outlook on life, and so that I can be around when they grow up, graduate, get married, etc.

I get the feelings of shame... on my bad days I feel that a bit too. Weight gain is a huge miasma of contributing factors... not just eating junk and sitting on the couch. Weight loss is hard, and the reality is proven in the numbers. They say only 5% of folks who lose a significant/large amount of weight will actually be able to keep it off long term without surgery. You have made a hugely beneficial decision for you, for your family, for your future. I think that's something to be proud of. You have made incredible strides in getting to this point, and it will still be hard work after the surgery. You need your family to have a good understanding of what you're in for and to be your support system.

Hang in there!

[FluffyChix 17,415]

Gosh I love you guys!!!

[jess9395 5,449]

My kids were 11 and 15 when I had surgery and I was super matter of fact and honest with both of them, never occurred to me to be anything else. They’ve seen my struggles I can’t pretend they didn’t.

And I didn’t tell anyone outside of them and my husband and mother in law (who lives on our property) until way later.

[Diana_in_Philly 1,426]

On 3/6/2018 at 10:53 AM, Deb100 said:

My instincts right now are telling me “make something up, what can I tell the kids I am having done? I can’t let them know I have given up and this is my last resort”

Why not? Long story short, I was 55 at time of surgery. My kids were 17 and 13 at the time. I had surgery August 2016 - just before the start of my older daughter's senior year of high school. They saw me have to stop and meet them later during college tours because I couldn't walk the whole campus. They knew how miserable I was. What was wrong with telling them - I've tried everything. Nothing has worked. This is my last hope of not dropping dead before either of you graduate college.

And I sat them down (after I had told my hubby and we decided the best way to do this) and said this is what I have decided is right for me. (Both my girls are overweight.) I told them the nature of the surgery and answered questions. My younger daughter was angry and lashed out at me - it was fear because with any surgery there is a risk of death and I was up front about that. But that passed.

As of this moment, I'm in better shape than both my girls physically. I wear the clothes they outgrow. I can workout harder and longer. And I'm setting a damn fine example of how you can turn your life around if you are motivated to do so and how you can take control of your health.

The only people who knew of my surgery were my husband, my two girls and my two best friends. My mother and my sister don't know and never will. As to everyone else, I tell them I eat a very high Protein diet, I restrict sugars and carbs, I exercise like a maniac and record every bite I eat. All of that is true.

Don't lie to your kids. They will find out. They will likely resent the fact that you didn't think you could either trust them to keep the secret or handle that you were having surgery. They are grown people - they understand and believe me - they know your limitations due to your weight. If you are really concerned, consult with a social worker or family counselor who works with bariatric patients. Your group should be able to refer you to someone.