20 years of Lies

[Creekimp13 5,840]

For 20 years, I dieted, and lied to myself.

Went back and forth between two extremes. You might be familiar with them.

One was called....Screw it, you're fat, so what? I drank a two liter of Pepsi daily, loved bread, french fries, chicken tenders, and chocolate turtle ice cream pie. I also love food that was good for me. And food that had sprinkles. And grease. And sugar. And anything hot out of an oven. And....well, you get the picture. My husband laughed at me for putting excess bacon on my veggie burgers.

The other me was....The Fitness Nazi. I was the autistic savant of calorie counting. Like Rain man, I could look at a deconstructed plate of stuff and guess calories with the accuracy of a food scientist. I was all about counting my grapes, going from one fad diet to the next. This time, I'm going to find the answer to fast weight loss. Must be thin. Not healthy. Not strong. Thin. And I'd like to be thin as fast as possible, please. Need to go to the gym. I hate the gym. Go anyway, you're fat, you must repent and be punished by the gym to be excused of your sin of fattness. Must never again eat anything white, or carb, or that casts a shadow. I'm a perfectionist, dammit. I can DO THIS!

Speaking of Fatness. Remember The Hunger Games? I went to a costume party last year as the fat version of Katniss Everdeen: Fatness NeverLean. My flaming dress had porkchops on it.

For 20 years...I went back and forth between two lies. I'm not either of these people.

I'm not in denial about how bad obesity is for your health. I care. But I'm not a Fitness Nazi either. I don't care about being thin.

For me...I needed to make peace with food, not fight a war against it. And man, sometimes if feels like that's all we do. Just endlessly battle. I'm tried, man. Just really tired of the war.

What helped me the most...is escaping an extremist mindset.

I'm tired of extremes.

I don't want to binge on crap anymore. Screw that self destructive nonsense.

I also don't want to starve anymore or eat "healthy" things I HATE. Screw that self destructive nonsense, too.

I don't want to eat stuff I don't like..."because it's good for me." I want to eat stuff that I DO like that's good for me. Sometimes those things are hard to find! But they're out there. They're worth finding and taking the extra effort to make.

I'm tired of lying to myself. 20 years of dieting lies...up, down, up down. What's the point? I don't want to be either of those two people, I just kept running from both of them.

I had to find balance. I had to love my life, love my diet, love my self enough to stop the self abuse of both extremes. I HATE the fat binger. I HATE the thin fitness nazi.

Finding the plan that works for the individual is tough. And it's gonna be different for everyone. It's not one size fits all. (nothing one size fits all works for me...lol)

If I were doing low carb and crazy low calories, I'd probably shoot myself or others. I feel horrible on that plan...and I know from experience that I'll crash and burn on it eventually. It works great for some folks....but I'm not one of them.

These days I'm working on being really really honest with myself. I'm picking things for my diet on a new criteria...Do I genuinely like eating this? Is it good nutrition? Can it fit in a balanced day of healthy eating?

When I exercise, I don't think about how many calories it burns anymore, or how long I have to do it, or what gets me the most burn in the least time. I think....Do I enjoy doing this? Do I look forward to it, or dread it? Can I do this with a friend for support and have a good time?

I want to love my new life.

I want a Forever diet that I love.

I want a Forever exercise plan that I love.

I want balance.

I'm done with immediacy and urgency and extremes.

I'm losing weight slow and steady. If I lose 3-5 pounds a month, I am so happy with that. I didn't put all this weight on in a few months, I'm not gonna lose it in a few months.

They say you'll lose weight for 18 months or so after surgery. I've got 16 months to go. If I lose 2-3 pounds a month, I'll make my goal. I'm in no hurry, because I'm working on my forever diet that I can love and live with.......not my "until I'm skinny" punishment diet.

Sometimes I really think the key to this whole mess is finding a way to be honest with yourself...resolve the two extremes and find the middle ground.

Just some thoughts. Take what ya like, and leave the rest:)

[It's about Me 142]

I can so relate to everything you have said, except I HATE exercising. This is going to be a struggle for me and has been. I agree unless we make peace with the demon in our head that is in control of our choices and yes they are choices we make, we cant be at peace with ourselves. I hate the constant thinking about my weight and worrying about food, it is on my mind 24/7. I to want to let go and find nutural ground and live my life. I always get, "you have such a pretty face", well what the hell's wrong with the rest of me, is it not pretty? People are so cruel and stupid, I have lost weight (so many times) and had them say, " you are so beautiful", well am I not the same person and then what does that make me now? I say F***k them and let's get on with our lives and who we want to be. I havent even had my surgury yet, but I am determined to make this work and love me.

[Pepsipants 6]

This is honestly the first post that really sang to me. So thank you for being so authentic. Through therapy and self- reflection, I have discovered how extremist my personality is too. Touches of OCD tendencies creep in with dumping out my pantry and replacing it with Paleo "clean" food, avoiding social gatherings for fear I go over a certain calorie count, weighing myself 10 times a day, or preaching to others how they should be lowering carbs and upping protein....mustn't hold too much weight coming from the mouth of a 260 lb hypocrite!!! But somewhere along the journey we must find that sweet spot, BALANCE. For me it looks like spending more $ on Protein Shakes I actually like the taste of, doing aqua aerobics, and lots of prayer. Had a friend tell me recently instead of being resentful (in my case of my 25+ year battle with diets and self image), release your angst, and tell your body THANK YOU FOR THE STRUGGLE. It's why we are where we are. Right. Now.

Sent from my SM-G900T using BariatricPal mobile app

[kakatlady612 1,053]

Like your nom de plume Pepsipants. There were times when mine should have been "Yeah I got room for that." But I am trying to be a reformed chubby-dub, trying to turn into slim Chicky. Baby. Hmm maybe at my age I should settle for Svelte Hen? Chicky Baby may not come in a 72 year old model.

Sent from my VS880PP using BariatricPal mobile app

[FluffyChix 17,415]

I think there are parts of what you write that have sound merit for me. But I also know, that I could wipe out the progress of my 3-5lbs/month with one meal. I've lived low carb (between 80/20 and 90/10 virtuosity) for the past 18 years and it's helped me contain my hyperinsulinism/pre-diabetes/PCOS diseases. So I know that high glycemic carbs for me are a personal killing fields. Through that time, I only lost between 2-4lbs per month. It took me (with time off for poor behavior), 18 years to get 102lbs off. I don't have that kind of time any longer.

I have a honeymoon period of 6 months. I "might" because all people are different continue to lose for 1 to 1 1/2 years. But who knows? If I wanted to lose 3-5lbs per month infinity, I would not be looking at rearranging my guts on Tuesday. My secret fear is that I will lose focus and momentum and not ever reach my goal. Because, that's my pattern you know. So I'm probably gonna be that borderline obsessive WLS gal who counts and weighs and measures lol. And oh well! Sucks to be me. But I'll do it. And count myself so fortunate.

I want quick weight loss. I do. There are newer studies emerging in Europe that claim that quick weight loss is best for obese individuals because it keeps excitement, momentum, and successful days at a pitch. I believe it. I am that person. Ask any vet here and they will tell you maintenance is the hard part, cuz you no longer have that daily/weekly high of seeing that big downward jump on the scale, or losses on the measuring tape, or the downward trend line on your weight loss graph is now horizontal as it approaches zero excess pounds.

http://sciencenordic.com/researchers-rapid-weight-loss-best

Dr. Michael Moseley talks about this in his latest book, Eight Week Blood Sugar Diet. https://thebloodsugardiet.com/

I don't know which way is right. I only know with pretty deep assurance which is right for me. I will still seek lots of lovely veg, some low glycemic fruits, and only a Protein adequate diet with healthy fats. I'm sure I will have cheat meals, even cheat weekends. But I will understand there will be a price to be paid for those off plan times.

[Apple203 1,314]

Hear, hear to everything y'all are saying! The last place I want to end up is continuing with extreme diets and eating things I don't like or in a way that feels unnatural to me.

ps, this is hilarious: Fatness NeverLean. My flaming dress had porkchops on it.

[Apple203 1,314]

28 minutes ago, FluffyChix said:

Dr. Michael Moseley talks about this in his latest book, Eight Week Blood Sugar Diet. https://thebloodsugardiet.com/.

I just downloaded this book from Amazon, can't wait to read it tonight! The concept of losing fast to maintain interest is of particular interest to me -- I've never lost more than 20-30 pounds at one time.

[FluffyChix 17,415]

15 minutes ago, Apple203 said:

I just downloaded this book from Amazon, can't wait to read it tonight! The concept of losing fast to maintain interest is of particular interest to me -- I've never lost more than 20-30 pounds at one time.

Hope you like it. I find his stuff so interesting and very easy to read. It's based on the Mediterranean Diet approach.

[GotProlactinoma 458]

I really related to your post too. So honest. How many of us knew damn well what was healthy and could critique foods, plates, etc like a food Nazi but at home be like “I want to eat what I want and who cares what I weigh”? I am not missing that. I don’t feel I have to be an extreme at all any more. The surgery has allowed me the Portion Control, and I already have my favorite healthy foods that I truly love, so I am quite happy just being me, in the middle, like you said.

And exercising is so much more fun with less fat, being smaller. I don’t hate it any more. And I do it when I know I will start losing my new muscle if I don’t keep it up. If I’ve gone three days, I actually (and I am not lying here) WANT to do some form of movement. This is so new. I think up new things to do. My daughter is learning to ice skate so I am teaching myself to do it and it is effing slow, I’m not very good. But I’m doing it.

I don’t think we have to be food junkies or food Nazis any more. I think we can just be us. If less carbs help (like they do me), then I est less carbs, but other than putting my foods into Lose It, I am not worried. I really liked your post. We can just be us.

[ajmsp8879 24]

On 2/15/2018 at 10:57 AM, Creekimp13 said:

For 20 years, I dieted, and lied to myself.

Went back and forth between two extremes. You might be familiar with them.

One was called....Screw it, you're fat, so what? I drank a two liter of Pepsi daily, loved bread, french fries, chicken tenders, and chocolate turtle ice cream pie. I also love food that was good for me. And food that had sprinkles. And grease. And sugar. And anything hot out of an oven. And....well, you get the picture. My husband laughed at me for putting excess bacon on my veggie burgers.

The other me was....The Fitness Nazi. I was the autistic savant of calorie counting. Like Rain man, I could look at a deconstructed plate of stuff and guess calories with the accuracy of a food scientist. I was all about counting my grapes, going from one fad diet to the next. This time, I'm going to find the answer to fast weight loss. Must be thin. Not healthy. Not strong. Thin. And I'd like to be thin as fast as possible, please. Need to go to the gym. I hate the gym. Go anyway, you're fat, you must repent and be punished by the gym to be excused of your sin of fattness. Must never again eat anything white, or carb, or that casts a shadow. I'm a perfectionist, dammit. I can DO THIS!

Speaking of Fatness. Remember The Hunger Games? I went to a costume party last year as the fat version of Katniss Everdeen: Fatness NeverLean. My flaming dress had porkchops on it.

For 20 years...I went back and forth between two lies. I'm not either of these people.

I'm not in denial about how bad obesity is for your health. I care. But I'm not a Fitness Nazi either. I don't care about being thin.

For me...I needed to make peace with food, not fight a war against it. And man, sometimes if feels like that's all we do. Just endlessly battle. I'm tried, man. Just really tired of the war.

What helped me the most...is escaping an extremist mindset.

I'm tired of extremes.

I don't want to binge on crap anymore. Screw that self destructive nonsense.

I also don't want to starve anymore or eat "healthy" things I HATE. Screw that self destructive nonsense, too.

I don't want to eat stuff I don't like..."because it's good for me." I want to eat stuff that I DO like that's good for me. Sometimes those things are hard to find! But they're out there. They're worth finding and taking the extra effort to make.

I'm tired of lying to myself. 20 years of dieting lies...up, down, up down. What's the point? I don't want to be either of those two people, I just kept running from both of them.

I had to find balance. I had to love my life, love my diet, love my self enough to stop the self abuse of both extremes. I HATE the fat binger. I HATE the thin fitness nazi.

Finding the plan that works for the individual is tough. And it's gonna be different for everyone. It's not one size fits all. (nothing one size fits all works for me...lol)

If I were doing low carb and crazy low calories, I'd probably shoot myself or others. I feel horrible on that plan...and I know from experience that I'll crash and burn on it eventually. It works great for some folks....but I'm not one of them.

These days I'm working on being really really honest with myself. I'm picking things for my diet on a new criteria...Do I genuinely like eating this? Is it good nutrition? Can it fit in a balanced day of healthy eating?

When I exercise, I don't think about how many calories it burns anymore, or how long I have to do it, or what gets me the most burn in the least time. I think....Do I enjoy doing this? Do I look forward to it, or dread it? Can I do this with a friend for support and have a good time?

I want to love my new life.

I want a Forever diet that I love.

I want a Forever exercise plan that I love.

I want balance.

I'm done with immediacy and urgency and extremes.

I'm losing weight slow and steady. If I lose 3-5 pounds a month, I am so happy with that. I didn't put all this weight on in a few months, I'm not gonna lose it in a few months.

They say you'll lose weight for 18 months or so after surgery. I've got 16 months to go. If I lose 2-3 pounds a month, I'll make my goal. I'm in no hurry, because I'm working on my forever diet that I can love and live with.......not my "until I'm skinny" punishment diet.

Sometimes I really think the key to this whole mess is finding a way to be honest with yourself...resolve the two extremes and find the middle ground.

Just some thoughts. Take what ya like, and leave the rest:)

I read this and thought... This is MY life. I was angry last week ago when I noticed that there was a notation of non-specified eating disorder in my record, but now I GET IT. I never did the full-on binge thing, but I definitely was an extremist when it came to dieting and then falling off the wagon HARDCORE. I haven't dieted for about 1 1/2 years, but I would rather address this now than have issues surface when I'm pursuing the surgery. I'm relieved. I've scheduled a counseling appointment with an eating disorders specialist at the bariatric clinic and put everything else on hold. Perhaps I won't be able to be sleeved at all, because of my history. You know what, that's okay. I choose health first. Wish me luck all!!!

Edited March 13, 2018 by ajmsp8879

[dillydog 73]

Great read!

[Healthy_life2 8,324]

On 2/15/2018 at 9:57 AM, Creekimp13 said:

For 20 years, I dieted, and lied to myself.

Went back and forth between two extremes. You might be familiar with them.

One was called....Screw it, you're fat, so what? I drank a two liter of Pepsi daily, loved bread, french fries, chicken tenders, and chocolate turtle ice cream pie. I also love food that was good for me. And food that had sprinkles. And grease. And sugar. And anything hot out of an oven. And....well, you get the picture. My husband laughed at me for putting excess bacon on my veggie burgers.

The other me was....The Fitness Nazi. I was the autistic savant of calorie counting. Like Rain man, I could look at a deconstructed plate of stuff and guess calories with the accuracy of a food scientist. I was all about counting my grapes, going from one fad diet to the next. This time, I'm going to find the answer to fast weight loss. Must be thin. Not healthy. Not strong. Thin. And I'd like to be thin as fast as possible, please. Need to go to the gym. I hate the gym. Go anyway, you're fat, you must repent and be punished by the gym to be excused of your sin of fattness. Must never again eat anything white, or carb, or that casts a shadow. I'm a perfectionist, dammit. I can DO THIS!

Speaking of Fatness. Remember The Hunger Games? I went to a costume party last year as the fat version of Katniss Everdeen: Fatness NeverLean. My flaming dress had porkchops on it.

For 20 years...I went back and forth between two lies. I'm not either of these people.

I'm not in denial about how bad obesity is for your health. I care. But I'm not a Fitness Nazi either. I don't care about being thin.

For me...I needed to make peace with food, not fight a war against it. And man, sometimes if feels like that's all we do. Just endlessly battle. I'm tried, man. Just really tired of the war.

What helped me the most...is escaping an extremist mindset.

I'm tired of extremes.

I don't want to binge on crap anymore. Screw that self destructive nonsense.

I also don't want to starve anymore or eat "healthy" things I HATE. Screw that self destructive nonsense, too.

I don't want to eat stuff I don't like..."because it's good for me." I want to eat stuff that I DO like that's good for me. Sometimes those things are hard to find! But they're out there. They're worth finding and taking the extra effort to make.

I'm tired of lying to myself. 20 years of dieting lies...up, down, up down. What's the point? I don't want to be either of those two people, I just kept running from both of them.

I had to find balance. I had to love my life, love my diet, love my self enough to stop the self abuse of both extremes. I HATE the fat binger. I HATE the thin fitness nazi.

Finding the plan that works for the individual is tough. And it's gonna be different for everyone. It's not one size fits all. (nothing one size fits all works for me...lol)

If I were doing low carb and crazy low calories, I'd probably shoot myself or others. I feel horrible on that plan...and I know from experience that I'll crash and burn on it eventually. It works great for some folks....but I'm not one of them.

These days I'm working on being really really honest with myself. I'm picking things for my diet on a new criteria...Do I genuinely like eating this? Is it good nutrition? Can it fit in a balanced day of healthy eating?

When I exercise, I don't think about how many calories it burns anymore, or how long I have to do it, or what gets me the most burn in the least time. I think....Do I enjoy doing this? Do I look forward to it, or dread it? Can I do this with a friend for support and have a good time?

I want to love my new life.

I want a Forever diet that I love.

I want a Forever exercise plan that I love.

I want balance.

I'm done with immediacy and urgency and extremes.

I'm losing weight slow and steady. If I lose 3-5 pounds a month, I am so happy with that. I didn't put all this weight on in a few months, I'm not gonna lose it in a few months.

They say you'll lose weight for 18 months or so after surgery. I've got 16 months to go. If I lose 2-3 pounds a month, I'll make my goal. I'm in no hurry, because I'm working on my forever diet that I can love and live with.......not my "until I'm skinny" punishment diet.

Sometimes I really think the key to this whole mess is finding a way to be honest with yourself...resolve the two extremes and find the middle ground.

Just some thoughts. Take what ya like, and leave the rest:)

Love what you had to say. It was honest. Many of us share the same extremes. I'm glad you are finding balance and what works for you.

TO EVERYONE!!!!! Get what you want out of surgery. This is a second chance in life . Be your own amazing!

I lean toward what you see as a nazi

Goals for our surgery outcome are personal. My heart stopped in ICU. I lost my mom to cancer a few months before surgery. That was serious motivation for me. Health first then a 5k in memory of my mother.

My exercise is not about punishing myself or being thin. It's about living an amazing life and making up for lost time. I hated exercise and all things fitness pre surgery. It has become one of the best gifts from this process

A lifelong sustainable diet and lifestyle is key to maintain long term. This process is not a one size fits all. We all have different, body physiology, medical issues, and goals with weight loss.

Things I noticed

• Trying to do thing my way never served me well. Learning how this works was eye opening.
• being a bit of a food nazi until I learned to fuel my body for weight loss helped me change old behaviors. Once I understood nutrition and my body physiology type. Eating became habit. I relaxed a bit more from the food logging.
• Fitness is your personal choice. find what you enjoy.
• Be open to your goals changing and evolving as you progress from surgery.

[Travelher 915]

On 2/15/2018 at 12:29 PM, It's about Me said:

I can so relate to everything you have said, except I HATE exercising. This is going to be a struggle for me and has been. I agree unless we make peace with the demon in our head that is in control of our choices and yes they are choices we make, we cant be at peace with ourselves. I hate the constant thinking about my weight and worrying about food, it is on my mind 24/7. I to want to let go and find nutural ground and live my life. I always get, "you have such a pretty face", well what the hell's wrong with the rest of me, is it not pretty? People are so cruel and stupid, I have lost weight (so many times) and had them say, " you are so beautiful", well am I not the same person and then what does that make me now? I say F***k them and let's get on with our lives and who we want to be. I havent even had my surgury yet, but I am determined to make this work and love me.

good thing exercise isn't a requirement for weight loss. it is all about the food. walking is all I did.

Edited March 13, 2018 by Travelher

[Sprinkles1 358]

Thks is sooo relatable. Thank you for posting! I'm TRYING to do the same thing. I'm done punishing myself for being fat. It's time to change that mindset and change my lifestyle!

Sent from my SM-G955U using BariatricPal mobile app

[Angie's_Ocean 213]

I really enjoyed reading this post. And all the responses. I’m terrible at expressing my thoughts both in writing and to others directly. But what everyone wrote resonated so deeply within me. Especially the part about people saying now “you’re so beautiful”. I literally tore my best friend’s head off who is overseas when he messaged me this. When my dad & his wife asked me how much weight I’ve lost I turned into a psycho-raging leviathan on them outta nowhere. My husband actually had to calm me down. It’s like all this anger I had building up inside me is now coming out and I don’t know how to keep it under check