When food is no longer a coping mechanism.

[Creekimp13 5,840]

Have had a few things on my mind about the process I'm going through, don't quite know how to explain, but am going to attempt to, because I think others might relate.

food has changed. And I don't say that like some badge of victory. I say it with a little bit of anxiety and a little bit of grief.

Everything still *tastes* like it used to....but the effect of food has changed significantly in my life. (and even my physiology) And my preferences for foods have certainly changed.

I really LOVED food. Sort of akin to maybe how a homebrewist loves beer. It was my go-to to relax. It made a bad day more bearable. It took the edge off emotionally difficult situations. It was a source of joy and comfort.

Back when I was doing my 6 month diet...I still loved food. I still had my little food love affair celebrations. Every Friday, I'd budget my calories and splurge on a glazed donut. (yes, I know this is pure poison)...but it was a wonderful treat, and I really enjoyed that donut I'd earned by being good all week. With a big cup of premium coffee. And I was losing weight, so why not?

I told myself I'd still do this once in a while...obviously I can't eat a whole donut....but I thought....maybe one of these days I'll get a donut and cut off a little quarter of it...let hubby eat the rest...and still have my little donut reward for a job well done.

Now here's the weird part.

I've found myself standing in front of the same donut case...looking at those damned glazed donuts....several weeks in a row now...and I can't get myself to buy one. Not because I think I'm going to screw anything up hopelessly...I won't. Not because I feel I couldn't control the quantity...I know I could. I just feel sad looking at the donuts. Just this weird grief of knowing it wouldn't feel the same if I ate it.

And this is what I'm finding hard to describe...

It's like the beer homebrew guy...who would really like like a beer....opening up beer after beer...only to find they all taste like ice tea. I mean...sure, ice tea is great...it's wet, you can drink it and not be thirsty. But what you wanted doesn't exist anymore.

Food no longer affords me a coping mechanism. And I'm not sure how to feel about that. Part of me is delighted...because I know THAT is the root problem...food shouldn't be a coping mechanism. Food shouldn't be a love affair. That's a big part of why I got fat.

But the other part of me feels a little freaked out by this. Like...damn, what do I use now as a coping mechanism? I can totally understand how crossover addictions happen. And while I don't think I'm really at risk for one because I'm expressing all of this to my support people and trying to come up with some other good ideas for coping mechanisms......I understand the danger, now. I think being aware and talking about it helps a lot. I'm avoiding alcohol and other substances that could potentially be problematic, too....at least until I feel like i've got this all figured out and have settled in feeling more comfortable about it.

But yeah....this? This was unexpected.

My husband said last night.....OK, for a long time you were trying to make a lifestyle change and you equated all of these fantastic outcomes to that someday mythical lifestyle change.....but now that you have made the lifestyle changes you're noticing the reality isn't exactly what you thought it would be. And that's the thing about any major endeavor, there will be surprises, both positive and negative. I think you're doing great, and doing a great job of taking it all in stride. Keep talking to me.

I think I'll keep him.

No regrets about the surgery...I'm overall increadibly happy. Just trying to describe something that I really didn't see coming.

Edited February 7, 2018 by Creekimp13

[GoGoGail 3]

Great topic! I have a friend who had the sleeve (but I don't think the type of surgery really matters in this case) and had the same sadness over losing the companionship of food. I'm 2 days away from surgery, and right now I'm (kinda?) looking forward to not using food as a crutch anymore.

[kakatlady612 1,053]

Think of it as a toxic relationship and now you're divorcing bad types of food. Good luck on your surgery, text us from the "other" side.

Sent from my VS880PP using BariatricPal mobile app

[ChaosUnlimited 559]

I can relate to this because I have had those same feelings. It's sort of like losing a good friend. Sometimes I miss being able to gorge on a big cheeseburger or burrito while watching my favorite tv show. I may not be hungry, but the thought, almost like a craving for the feeling, is still there. I haven't discovered yet what to replace it with. I recognize it for what it is, but that doesn't always make it easier. That said, I am so much happier at my current level of health than I was when gorging on delicious foods, so I try to focus on the positives when those feelings threaten.

[FluffyChix 17,415]

@Creekimp13 Thank you so much for this thread. Your description of this is so eloquent and thoughtfully written. I totally get it. It is about the grieving and reinventing and coming to terms that most of the old will need to change to survive in the new normal.

In a post BC world, they talk about "the new normal" and you hear it so often, that sometimes you just want to go cram it down the next person who mentions its throat. LOL. But I think (or have an inkling) this will be true in my post WLS world.

It is shocking how much time you have on your hands when not planning, shopping, prepping, cooking, eating, and cleaning up from a meal. You know? It's like, "What the f*ck am I supposed to do with the next 20hours of the day? And where on earth am I gonna get something to entertain and amuse me like food/cooking/being a foodie does?" *snic* LOL.

I have some thoughts for you. I think you should pursue acting out a 9 1/2 weeks and do sex transference addiction with the hubs, whom I agree is a massive keeper. Then you should regale us with your wicked feats of strength for our enjoyment. Just spit ballin' ideas for you here.

Edited February 7, 2018 by FluffyChix

[kakatlady612 1,053]

Loved what you wrote, I have a skoosh with my gastritis but I'm sure it will hit in spades post surgery. Think I'll go heat up a cup of broth, about the only,thing that sounds good now. And I'll hoist in honor of our goodbud,Ms Fluffy Chix.

Sent from my VS880PP using BariatricPal mobile app

[Healthy_life2 8,324]

1 hour ago, Creekimp13 said:

Have had a few things on my mind about the process I'm going through, don't quite know how to explain, but am going to attempt to, because I think others might relate.

food has changed. And I don't say that like some badge of victory. I say it with a little bit of anxiety and a little bit of grief.

Everything still *tastes* like it used to....but the effect of food has changed significantly in my life. (and even my physiology) And my preferences for foods have certainly changed.

I really LOVED food. Sort of akin to maybe how a homebrewist loves beer. It was my go-to to relax. It made a bad day more bearable. It took the edge off emotionally difficult situations. It was a source of joy and comfort.

Back when I was doing my 6 month diet...I still loved food. I still had my little food love affair celebrations. Every Friday, I'd budget my calories and splurge on a glazed donut. (yes, I know this is pure poison)...but it was a wonderful treat, and I really enjoyed that donut I'd earned by being good all week. With a big cup of premium coffee. And I was losing weight, so why not?

I told myself I'd still do this once in a while...obviously I can't eat a whole donut....but I thought....maybe one of these days I'll get a donut and cut off a little quarter of it...let hubby eat the rest...and still have my little donut reward for a job well done.

Now here's the weird part.

I've found myself standing in front of the same donut case...looking at those damned glazed donuts....several weeks in a row now...and I can't get myself to buy one. Not because I think I'm going to screw anything up hopelessly...I won't. Not because I feel I couldn't control the quantity...I know I could. I just feel sad looking at the donuts. Just this weird grief of knowing it wouldn't feel the same if I ate it.

And this is what I'm finding hard to describe...

It's like the beer homebrew guy...who would really like like a beer....opening up beer after beer...only to find they all taste like ice tea. I mean...sure, ice tea is great...it's wet, you can drink it and not be thirsty. But what you wanted doesn't exist anymore.

Food no longer affords me a coping mechanism. And I'm not sure how to feel about that. Part of me is delighted...because I know THAT is the root problem...food shouldn't be a coping mechanism. Food shouldn't be a love affair. That's a big part of why I got fat.

But the other part of me feels a little freaked out by this. Like...damn, what do I use now as a coping mechanism? I can totally understand how crossover addictions happen. And while I don't think I'm really at risk for one because I'm expressing all of this to my support people and trying to come up with some other good ideas for coping mechanisms......I understand the danger, now. I think being aware and talking about it helps a lot. I'm avoiding alcohol and other substances that could potentially be problematic, too....at least until I feel like i've got this all figured out and have settled in feeling more comfortable about it.

But yeah....this? This was unexpected.

My husband said last night.....OK, for a long time you were trying to make a lifestyle change and you equated all of these fantastic outcomes to that someday mythical lifestyle change.....but now that you have made the lifestyle changes you're noticing the reality isn't exactly what you thought it would be. And that's the thing about any major endeavor, there will be surprises, both positive and negative. I think you're doing great, and doing a great job of taking it all in stride. Keep talking to me.

I think I'll keep him.

No regrets about the surgery...I'm overall increadibly happy. Just trying to describe something that I really didn't see coming.

8 minutes ago, FluffyChix said:

@Creekimp13 Thank you so much for this thread. Your description of this is so eloquent and thoughtfully written. I totally get it. It is about the grieving and reinventing and coming to terms that most of the old will need to change to survive in the new normal.

In a post BC world, they talk about "the new normal" and you hear it so often, that sometimes you just want to go cram it down the next person who mentions its throat. LOL. But I think (or have an inkling) this will be true in my post WLS world.

It is shocking how much time you have on your hands when not planning, shopping, prepping, cooking, eating, and cleaning up from a meal. You know? It's like, "What the f*ck am I supposed to do with the next 20hours of the day? And where on earth am I gonna get something to entertain and amuse me like food/cooking/being a foodie does?" *snic* LOL.

I have some thoughts for you. I think you should pursue acting out a 9 1/2 weeks and do sex transference addiction with the hubs, whom I agree is a massive keeper. Then you should regale us with your wicked feats of strength for our enjoyment. Just spit ballin' ideas for you here.

I agree, this feels like grieving for the comfort and favorite foods of the past. I can relate, I miss the coping skill that no longer serves me well.

The change is positive stuff. but, It forced me to figure out new ways to cope. Stress and emotions can get the best of me. I am not perfect. I've had days where I ate a whole box of my beloved spicy sweet wheat thins.

I go to a coffee shop alone. I just need time away to regroup.

I take most of my, stress and emotions to the gym. It's the one place I am not a mother, employee, and wife. It's my time that I have carved out for me. It may sound strange but, I processed my mother passing from cancer on an elliptical machine.

@FluffyChixBring on the sex addiction!

[elforman 234]

When I think of replacing bad habits I always come back to this:

Quote

Looks like I picked the wrong day to stop sniffing glue...

[FluffyChix 17,415]

4 minutes ago, elforman said:

When I think of replacing bad habits I always come back to this:

bahahahahahahaahahahahaaha!!! Classic!

Well played.

[kakatlady612 1,053]

Oh elforman I love it,i really do. I'm having one of those days myself, my surgery got postponed once again. Bariatric surgeon was supposed to fax local gastroenterologist so I could get upper GI with contrast done locally. Was supposed to occur yesterday, doctor#2 says doctor#1 hasn't faxed anything yet. Was gonna get it done today if the order was in, now I have to make another trip out on another day. Seems like I change my schedule for them but they are. inflexible. Far as I know that's the roadblock in my way, to anyone. else it would,be a mere speed bump. But it's my verdompt speed bump. Some days I think I want the operation more than they want to operate.Threatened that I'm going to invest in a bowie knife, some fishing line and a package of steri strips and,operate on myself . a little vodka or summthin similar and I might not feel any pain.

Sent from my VS880PP using BariatricPal mobile app

[Minnesota Redhead 7]

I feel this too. Must be after the year I've had of losing weight that the newness wears off and you realize that this is what life will be like. I find myself a bit bored and trying to find things to fill my time.

For me, it was also giving up the alcohol. I used to love to come home on a Friday night and have my husband make me a Cosmo (or two or three) at our bar. Or to invite over a bunch of people for appetizers and wine. food and alcohol were so much a part of my social identity. I was the entertainer, I was the great cook, I always had the stocked bar.

But now I am able to breathe, and I can walk and garden and do so many other things that I hadn't been able to for so long. My health has returned and I am no longer diabetic. So yes, no regrets. But I get what you are saying about the lack of coping mechanisms...and for me it is also a lack of social outings that don't involve food or alcohol.

[Apple203 1,314]

Interesting discussion! I figured dropping cocktails on the weekends (and I still use the college definition of weekend: Thurs-Sun, haha) would leave an "activity" hole, but I didnt consider that food would, too. Interesting times!!

[FluffyChix 17,415]

@Minnesota Redhead and @Apple203, and @jenn1 Haha! Maybe we should replace those times with nekkid twister parties? And by "we" I mean "y'all" and then you could post about it and keep me entertained here on the boards?

[Apple203 1,314]

Haha -- so not happening, @FluffyChix. I have impending retirement (or new job?) to throw into the mix, too -- big changes, welcome changes coming, but I am a little scared.

Edited February 7, 2018 by Apple203

[Kat410 423]

@Creekimp13

Thank you for sharing this so powerfully. Like others, I can relate to what you have said. And while there are moments when I miss the experience of sitting down at a diner and ordering a bacon cheeseburger with waffle fries and how felt when I ate some really rich and savory and fatty dish (at least for the 20 minutes I was eating and savoring it), I have found some other ways to channel my feelings about food.

I don't have hard rules - bread is a major trigger for me and I don't buy it, but I do eat it from time to time. If there is a rule, it has to be really good bread, like the kind of home made French bread I might get if I was at Balthazar in New York. Fried foods are also a trigger but again - same principle, if there is quality I will have some.

I have no intention of ever completely eliminating the aspect of food that is beyond fuel - that is sensual, pleasure based and emotionally connected. What I am no longer willing to have is a life that revolves around that. So it will always have its place, I will always love to cook, entertain, enjoy pristine produce, learning cuisines and techniques and yes - even eating certain foods from time to time.

I had my surgery in May - so I'm not yet a year in. Today I crossed the 130 lb lost mark and so far its working but a lot of why it's working is because my sense of restriction is still very intense (just had two bites of tuna poke and feel like I used to feel after I ate a 12 oz ribeye!)

I may have to change my tune at some point in the future, but for now - this is where I am at.