A hurtful comment from a close friend

[Sue's Eye 0]

When I told her my surgery date was coming up quickly, she stopped, looked at me and said "I don't want you to get skinny."

My jaw fell open. I couldn't believe she said this. What's up with that?

I've always tried to be supportive of her when she needs me, and in the past she has been there for me as well, so I don't understand how she could be so hurtful and say something she knew would upset me.

Just wanted to vent. Thanks.

[travelgirl 3]

Did you ask her why she said it? Maybe she's afraid she'll lose your friendship. There are several threads dedicated to that topic.

Maybe she didn't mean it to be hurtful, but doesn't know how to express her anxiety?

[Sue's Eye 0]

I was speechless that she said it. I wasn't able to recover fast enough to ask her why she would say such a thing, but replied something along the lines of "too bad, cuz it's happening."

I'll look for the other threads. Thanks!

[ParaGirl 71]

A very good friend of mine who wanted the band, but did not want to go through what her insurance company required, told me that if I got skinny, I would dump her and not be her friend anymore...she was teasing me of course. I just told her that I would need her around to make me look even better!

She and I are great friends and we have been on bunches of diet plans together and both of us ended up gaining from those great diets we tried.

She even sent me flowers when I had the surgery and it said "Love, your ex-best friend"

She is a hoot!

It does happen though, she will see you change physically, and let's pray she can handle it. Some people cannot deal with change, especially change for the better....for you. She may see herself remaining stagnant, and you are doing something that will better your life. It may make her jealous of you.

But, it may also motivate her to change her life for the better.

Face it, change is hard, good or bad. Let your friend deal with it in her own way, and if she ends up not wanting to continue a friendship because of jealousy, then so be it. HER PROBLEM. You cannot let her weigh you down...heck, you are getting surgery to stop YOU from weighing you down.

Thank you for allowing me to ramble.

[Gibson 7]

Maybe she meant it in a joking way? My best friend and I spend 85% of our conversational time talking about how fat we are so I'm sure weird things will happen to our friendship if I am banded and start losing the weight. I know that our friendship is strong enough to handle it but it will be weird at times. I love my best friend more than I love my family and I would be thrilled for her if she lost a bunch of weight. HOWEVER, I am honest enough to say that I'd also be jealous as hell even though I love her.

[kacee 3]

Actually when you think about it, she wasn't really saying something hurtful at all. She was absolutely voicing a concern about her relationship with you and where she feared it would head if you lost weight. It is kindof refreshing to hear the truth from people....as much of a faux pax as it might be. I think I would have felt more sorry for her at that moment. What goes through my head...

Does she think she will lose you as a friend if you "get skinny"?

-- that you won't consider her worthy of your time

-- that you will be embarassed to be seen with her (if she is the same size as you now) or that she will be jealous of you afterwards because you are "competition" if she is much smaller than you now.

Her comment to you was totally about herself. Yes, it was about HER feelings of whatever loss she perceives, not of her well-wishes for your health, etc. If she is a good friend you can overlook that. Many of us have opened our mouths and inserted our feet...sometimes up to the kneecap.

[cindyluhu 0]

Kacee,

That was nicely put, I agree 100%. I don't think she meant it to hurt you, more likely she was feeling hurt and left out.

Good luck

Cindy

[kacee 3]

I can say that I have had many girlfriends who were very happy with my size because I was not a "threat" to them. I was a good comfort zone. Especially when I was younger I seemed to "attract" very vivacious, gorgeous girlfriends. They knew that when we went to a party they could make "their grand entrance" and have everyone stop in awe as they entered the room. I did not want that, expect it, nor did I need it emotionally. I was just myself and it took the competitive pressure off of them. I wasn't out vying for the boys and wasn't expecting anything. They were "safe" with me. I believe there is always just a LITTLE of that in female relationships, whether we admit it or not. This edge of competition....if I were that type of person, Sue's Eye, I think I'd be a little worried about you, because though your picture is small, you seem to be a very beautiful girl. If you are that pretty with excess weight, you're gonna be a helluva "contender" when you slim down! (And this has nothing to do with being single or happily married, etc.)

[mylapspirit 2]

My "best" friend said to me that she doesn't think I will look good if I go under 200 lbs. WTF? She is 5'8" and weighs about 156. I was quite taken aback because I would like to get back to my "normal" weight of 150.

Maybe it is competition or the fear of change but a true friend would want the best for you in all aspects of your life. From what I have experienced in the past people in general can say such hurtful things and they don't realize when you are overweight a person in general is more sensitive - at least I know I am that way. People that know me come up to me in restaurants to see what and how much I am eating. And it kind of bugs me.

Since getting my band I am just so proud of myself that I had the courage to have the surgery, follow the lap band rules, and have such good success so far. You know deep down inside what is best for you so be strong and stay strong and know that the people here on lbt are here for your support any time day or night.

Take care,

shelli:girl_hug:

[Topdownbug 0]

Kaycee - I have to agree with your statement "Sue's Eye, I think I'd be a little worried about you, because though your picture is small, you seem to be a very beautiful girl. "

But - I have to say ... even though YOUR picture is small... I doubt any of us can hold a candle to your beauty! Who does your hair anyway ? :biggrin1:

(by the way, I've uploaded my photo several times but can't get it to show up on my posts.... suggestions anyone??)

[lawanda jessica 0]

I was told that I would probably lose some friends after surgery.

I have not lost any so far.

My aunt told me yesterday that if I get to 175 I'll look anorexic!

Wtf? I'm 5ft2 with a petite frame.

She has not seen me since the end of august.

Its almost if she is dodging me.

We were very close.

I heard she said some nasty things about my surgery prior to me having it.

Jealousy is a dangerous emotion!

Do what's best for you.

For me 135 pounds is where I want to be!

Good luck 2 you!

[VegasGrace 1]

When I told her my surgery date was coming up quickly, she stopped, looked at me and said "I don't want you to get skinny."

My jaw fell open. I couldn't believe she said this. What's up with that?

I've always tried to be supportive of her when she needs me, and in the past she has been there for me as well, so I don't understand how she could be so hurtful and say something she knew would upset me.

Just wanted to vent. Thanks.

What a great friend to have...to be open and honest...and not spiteful and try to sabotoge your efforts. Change is difficult to deal with...for anyone. The person it happens to and those in the circle.

Hopefully by now you guys have talked and everything is okay.

[Chrisann 0]

My best friend said that I would look horribly sick losing a lot of weight and would look old. Nice Huh?

Looking at the photos of all of you who have lost lots of weight, you all look younger and healthy. So, you are my inspiration.

[Jachut 487]

Oh boy. The weight comments, the anorexic one particularly.

We've just had huge discussions about this on another thread, quite heated ones. Lets just say more than ever I now believe a comment like this is never meant nicely or innocently. Its a bitchy remark, end of story. It means I want that, I havent been successful in attaining it so I am now going to kid myself that I am scornful of it. In short, I'm going to take it out my frustrations and insecurities on you by turning nasty. If you're truly secure in your own weight/appearance issues you'd feel no need to comment like this. Its self defence pure and simple.

Still, I can forgive my friends the occasional snide remark if I can understand that they're feeling anxious or threatened by what I am doing. It takes a lot of courage to change your life totally and when you do it, it can be very anxiety inducing in others who want to be there, but havent come to a place where they can face it yet

At least "I dont want you to get skinny" is honest - the way she's said it indicates she knows its about her, not about you. Much better than veiled remarks about anorexia or looking ill. I could forgive that one even if I were hurt by it.

[Jazlady 1]

This happened to me with my couisan who is my best friend. We both talked about lapband for years and then she won a lawsuit, had the money, and chose NOT to get lapband. Then I moved forward and got it. She couldn't believe it! Then, I've been sucessful and now she told me that she regrets not getting it when she had the money. Then I ran for queen and won and she could have died! She had nothing but negative things to say about that. Later she confided in me that she always wanted to do that when she was younger. So, I say it is about her and her stuff. People have changed towards me and that really shocks me. I've seen both sides, good and bad.