Anyone have a husband who is nonsupportive?

[munchkin392 1]

Hello everyone,

I really just need to vent. My husband is being so completely unsupportive about my preop liquid diet. I have been cheating by not drinking my Slimfast, but I have been following Clear Liquids for the most part and eating healthy foods when I don't eat clear liquids (yogurt,fruit,etc). My husband is completely riding me about cheating. He used to be an alcoholic and is comparing it to his drinking, which I think is completely unfair- yes, food is an addiction, but unlike alcohol, we need it to survive. It's not something you can just totally avoid.

What does everyone else think? I need some words of wisdom. I am starting to doubt whether I should go through with this-he makes me feel as if I have no willpower and I am a failure.

Please, someone help with my sanity and thanks for listening to me vent my frustrations! :help:

[lindyloo 0]

Hi Munchkin,

I feel your frustration. My husband has been waffeling between nonsupportive and sort of supportive. You need to find someone to cheer you on. Don't hold it against him. I wonder if there is more going on with him. I know my husband, and I feel that his issue is fear. It's scarey in a lot of ways for the spouse. Surgery, recovery, all the time it takes to go thru all the stages of this journey. He knows his wife is going to change and will she change for the better or worse. Is he going to get left behind when he finds himself with a person he may not recognise? Also, getting on your case about what you are eating might be his weird way of being supportive. He may be worried that if you don't follow the doctors advice something could go wrong.

You mentioned you were "cheating" with your diet so he must see it too. That may be a worry to him.

You are doing a good thing for yourself. So keep up the good work.

PS. Stay away from the fruit, it has too much sugar. Try your best to stick to your diet for yourself so you can go thru your surgery in the best shape you can. Your liver will love you. This is a difficult time on a difficult diet, but you can do it.

[georgia girl 35]

Munchkin,

Sorry you're having a rough time right now. Your husband may be trying to help you the best way he knows how. i think you should have a

sit-down with him and explain how you're feeling. If he's making you feel like a failure something needs to change. For a long time i was the type of person that would diet and do good for a while. then i would eat something bad and just give up because i felt like a failure. I'm just now learning that no one can be perfect all the time. So if i mess up now, i tell myself that it is not going to ruin my life, i just get re-focused and start again. I hope you decide to go through with the surgery. It's one of the best decisions i ever made. Hope this helps...

[steph_co 9]

I'm sorry, but alcoholism is nothing like being obese. Yes, food can be an addiction, but like you said - you HAVE to eat to survive. You could go your whole life and never have a drink and be just fine.

The biggest thing I heard from my surgeon at the patient seminar that really pushed me in the direction of getting the band was that something like 98% of people over a certain weight that try diet and exercise will gain the weight back and then some.

One thing I've noticed about A LOT of people that are unsupportive about this kind of thing is that they are actually afraid. Afraid of whatever their biggest problem may be with it. For some, it might be that their spouse could die or get sick from the procedure. He might be afraid that you'll change...like maybe you won't love him as much once you get skinny. He might be afraid if he has heard all the stats on divorce rates amongst patients after bariatric surgery.

Has he done any research on the procedure himself? Have him watch one of the live procedures in the FAQ section on here. Show him some of the literature. If necessary, have him talk to your surgeon's office with any questions he might have. He might just be embarrassed to admit he's afraid.

If it's the other stuff, then maybe spend more time with him. Plan a date night. Write him a letter letting him know how much you love him (like maybe a list of the reasons you fell in love with him). Seriously - people are unsupportive because they're afraid. I wouldn't say that he's doing it because he doesn't care - it's probably because he DOES care, he just doesn't understand some part of the equation.

I hope things can get worked out.

[coltonwade 27]

Maybe his concern is that he does not think that you can / will follow 'band" rules post op. however most will tell you that its TOTALLY different once your banded. And once your banded , I personally dont look at this as a Diet, I eat what I want for the most part. I Do eat healthy . But if i want to eat a piece of cake at a bday party i will. So maybe he thinks your going to do the same as you are now post op . And honey , what your doing is TOTALLY natural I think. I know i "Cheated" pre op .

NOW GIven that , Granted he may be scared , his way of expressing himself is WAY OUT OF Line if you ask me and I in no way shape or form would put up with that sh*t! IF he is not going to support you he needs to SHUT UP plane and simple. IF he cant say anything nice he needs to say NOTHING. If he's acting like this NOW , ya'll need to get into counseling in my opinion.

Yes he may be scared but that does not give him the right to sabbatoge you . Stick up for yourself. Did you do this to him when he was getting sober ? Your getting sober from food right now . If you supported him He NEEDS to support you ! I agree with the other posted find people who WILL Lift you up as well...

Just my input im off my soap box LOL

Love

mindy

[TitanVA 0]

Munchkin,

I will try and take a stab at this from a guy's point of view. I don't think he is trying to be unsupportive, but he feels he is trying to support you. When you say he is riding you what do you mean. Is he questioning your cheating on th preop diet, making comments yelling at you etc. If he is yelling at you I agree with everyone else tell him to shut up and he is not helping. All he sees is that you just started and you are already cheating. If the doc put you on a pre op liquid diet it is probably for a reason, so maybe he is concerned you are not following it. A slip up once in a while is no big deal but if you are not drinking your slim fast or following various other parts of the pre op diet you can't expect him to support that. Do you really want someone that is just going to agree with your cheating and tell you it's no big deal? I bet he has watched you struggle with your weight and wants to help you suceed. We as men are just not as subtle as women would like us to be.

Good luck in your journey,

Chris

[jennibee 3]

I am having the same problem, but with my daughter. She is almost eleven years old and is constantly riding my butt about what I should be eating and what I shouldn't. I am post-op six weeks and have a really good handle on what is good for me and what isn't. Sometimes I get kinda mad at her for examining every bit of food that goes into my mouth. I know she is just doing her "job". But geez, I never thought my sweet little baby girl would turn into the food gestapo...lol:)

[make33 2]

I am on the post-op diet now and my husband watches my intake--and I really love him for it.

Yes, I become aggravated when he will say "Slow down" or "How much food is that?", but he KNOWS I could go off the deep end and he loves me and wants me to succeed!

Our husbands have been with us through all our efforts to lose weight over the years, and with mine, I'm just glad he's so willing to be involved with helping me reach my goal.

[munchkin392 1]

Thanks for all the helpful input from everyone. Yes, I agree, we need counseling and I am going to take him with me to my counselor next week. And yes, he is yelling at me about not eating right. And the stress of that is not, I repeat not, helping me deal with sticking to the diet I am supposed to. Especially when he says things like "Well I guess it will be ok with you if I go out and have a couple drinks." Again, not the same as eating.

The other problem I am having is this: I am a nurse, and I have gotten more flak from various doctors that I work with about having this surgery. Every single one of them has told me not to have it, that it is unhealthy, that I don't need it. A liver specialist actually told me that the preop liquid/Slimfast diet will harm your liver and cause problems down the road, possibly causing liver failure. I am so confused.

[alwayscurious 0]

Munchkin,

Go Munchkin! G-O M-U-N-C-H-K-I-N! You can do it, You can do it, If you put your mind to it, GO MUNCHKIN!

I just thought you needed a cheerleader!

We will support you. I agree that your DH may be afraid if you are having trouble with the pre-op than you might have trouble with the post-op and eating differently for life. He needs help through this process too. Going to counseling with him is a GREAT idea.

Oh, and just so you know, I asked my MD if I could do slim fast instead of Optifast and he told me the same thing you heard, that slim fast is actually bad for your liver (and kidneys). So, I listened to my MD and did the Opti fast. I would talk with whatever MD is overseeing the process for you and bring up your concerns about slim fast.

You said you are a nurse and getting flck from people in your work environment? I saw a post around here somewhere by someone who is a banded nutritionist and she is having a hard time with co-workers too:cry Maybe you could also talk with her for support.

[munchkin392 1]

Thanks Always Curious! I needed the cheerleading! I would have done the Optifast, but around here you have to special order it from Walgreens, and it would not have gotten here in time for me to complete my entire two week diet. (Not that I'm doing so well there anyway...) Oh well, today is a new day, and I went to the store yesterday and stocked up on clear liquids instead, so hopefully I'll be good to go in that area. I'm glad to hear someone else heard the same thing about Slimfast. I mean, this doctor was REALLY adamant about the effects the Slimfast would have on my liver. And he is a doctor I have worked with for a long time, have a good relationship with, and trust. He has never done wrong by any of my patients. My thought is this, and someone mentioned this in another thread-maybe it depends on the experience of the surgeon doing the surgery. Our lapband program at our hospital is brand new and they have only done a few procedures so far, so maybe it is a learning process for them also. I meet with the surgeon Monday morning and I have lots of questions to ask her. We'll see how it goes!

[alwayscurious 0]

Let us know how it goes!

Good luck.

[coltonwade 27]

I am having the same problem, but with my daughter. She is almost eleven years old and is constantly riding my butt about what I should be eating and what I shouldn't. I am post-op six weeks and have a really good handle on what is good for me and what isn't. Sometimes I get kinda mad at her for examining every bit of food that goes into my mouth. I know she is just doing her "job". But geez, I never thought my sweet little baby girl would turn into the food gestapo...lol:)

NOW Im sorry an 11 yr old daughter is a different story .

In this situation YOU are the MOM , You need to tell your daughter that you are in control of your body and your band , you know what you can and can not eat and NO 11 yr old should be "Riding your butt" about anything , she only does what is allowed to be done .

Really would you allow someone else to do this ?? I certainly would not . I would not allow anyone i know to police my food. Questions are fine, But no way is anyone going to ride me one what i put in MY body . Family or not.

Conern is one thing but, i people will only do what you allow them to do .

I would tell your daughter you appreciate her conern but you are a grown up and she needs to STOP

Mindy

[PrettyBrownEyez 0]

I know the pre-op diet is extrememly hard but once you see those first couple of pounds starting to fall off...it will be soooo worth it. We all have been there and will help you through this. :whoo:

[Chrisann 0]

My best friend, who is like my plantonic husband is completely non-supportive, and it hurts. Hang in there and ignore him. He rides me for getting rid of the junk food he loves in the house and the fact I have no soda there either. Says I am going to look sick and not attractive when I lose the weight.

Amazing, he never said I was attractive in the first place. But still, he is a big man himself, around 6'4" and at least 375. He just doesn't want to understand.

That is why I say hang in there and try to ignore him. Keep the liquid diet going when he is around, show him that you are serious. No one should compare past experiences of any other thing to trying to lose weight. Why would you opt for ELECTIVE SURGERY and go through the steps to do it right if you weren't serious now?