Lack of support... :(

[Nat2.0 11]

I'm fairly new to the site as I'm still in the pre-op stage. I've had 3 of 6 insurance mandated nutritionist visits and am having my psych eval and pre-op extended nutrition class in Feb. Hoping to have all requirements met and ppwk submitted in April for approval. If approved, I will not be able to have the time off for surgery until very end of May or early June due to my work demands. Like many people I've read about on here, I'm ready for a change and sick and tired of being sick and tired. I've struggled with my weight most of my life and have spent more time trying to lose weight in my life than not. I am now at my heaviest and was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes last year. My husband is 6'4" 195 lbs and has been pretty thin and fit most of his life. Though he knows my weight struggles and complicated relationship with food existed long before I met him 23 years ago, he has also witnessed my successes and disappointments since then.

Last October I met with a bariatric surgeon my friend recommended and came home even more convinced that this was the right choice for me. I think when I told my husband I was going to pursue the idea and learn more, he went along with it perhaps not thinking I'd really go through with it. When I actually started my nutritionist visits in November he realized I was serious and the first question he asked was, "How much is this going to cost?" I cried at his response that he didn't care to learn more about the surgery or ask me questions about my well-being, but rather only showed concern for the bottom line. I told him this is now a LIFE SAVING decision for myself. It's not about vanity or just changing my life. I believe I MUST do this to SAVE MY LIFE! Of course I assured him insurance would hopefully approve me and cover most of it but that I'd budget for the anticipated out of pocket expenses in the meantime. I've kept him abreast of the little things the nutritionist is having me integrate monthly into my life and share with him tidbits about the procedure, things I read, etc. When I told him I'm now halfway through the 6 month waiting period, he replied, "So, you're still going to go through with it?" I told him of course that I had not changed my mind. He continues to ask me how this is going to be different than my other previous weight loss attempts... that if this is mainly restricting me from consuming calories then of course I'm going to lose weight and that I should just save myself the money and just restrict myself... he believes this is just a permanent, non-reversible way of restricting or starving myself for the rest of my life. I told him that eventually some people can go back to eating "normal" meaning not just having liquid diets and eating like birds for the rest of their lives. His reply, "Well, isn't that why you're getting it?! So, you CAN'T eat NORMAL? Isn't that what got you to where you are in the first place?" *SIGH*

Now, I have to say my husband really does sound like a jerk. Really, he's not in any other way. It's just he lacks the ability to understand weight struggles and needs to work on emotional tact sometimes. I know he loves me and wants me to be healthy. I think it does bother him that I'm not as active as him and he really doesn't believe that I'm "big enough" to need bariatric surgery. I assured him he has NO idea how bad it is... I informed him that BMI 40 is considered morbid obesity and I am at 39 WITH diabetes... I'm a ticking time bomb. I also told him he has absolutely NO IDEA how deeply I hate myself right now. I hate how I look and feel. I've hated it for years. Even the evening I went for the bariatric surgery consult, I about cried. One of my friends who was sleeved 1.5 years ago came with me for support. My husband comes from the annoying mindset of "if you want to lose weight just eat less, move more." I told him if food/weight issues were that simple then a lot of people wouldn't struggle with it. He's the type of person that moans and groans when he sees weight loss shows - he just can't understand how/why someone would let themselves get to that point.

I have my pre-op nutrition class on Feb. 18th. I told him he is welcome to come if he's interested, otherwise it's not mandated that he join me. Part of me wants him to come to show support but the other part of me doesn't because I think he's just going to be critical of it all and then he's going to become the food police on me post surgery. After spending "all this money" on these consults (that aren't covered by my insurance) and paying the difference my insurance doesn't pay, I fear my husband is going to ride my @ss for the rest of my life about everything I put in my mouth. Last night I gave him a great article about WLS I asked him to read. It explained how it's used as a tool, how it's not a magic bullet, the different procedures, and why bariatric surgeries are different than just cutting calories, exercising and dieting alone. It discussed how for sleeve/bypass patients it reduces the feeling of hunger by removing the hunger hormone and can often times reset someone "set point" and metabolic rate. All things I've already talked to my husband about... sometimes to a deaf or disbelieving ear. He said, "If I read this article do I still have to go to the class with you in Feb?" *rolling eyes* I told him he didn't have to go to the class at all - that was up to him. But, I would appreciate him reading the article because it was well written and I think helped explain a lot.

He only read half the article last night... Hopefully he'll finish it tonight. *fingers crossed*

I am still planning on moving forward with my surgery... praying I get approved... planning to start attending the support groups in February that my surgeon's office offers... it just makes me sad that my husband's lack of support, understanding, ignorance, etc. etc. is the thing that is making me hesitate ever so slightly. Can I handle someone being the food police on me for the rest of my life? Will he ever come around?

I'm hopeful once he sees me be successful post-op, regain my physical/emotional/mental happiness, become more active with him and the kids, etc that he will move past it all and agree that it certainly saved my life. My weight struggles are so very personal to me and run so deep that I rarely discuss my weight issues with anyone. I am literally brought to tears at the mere mention of it and the "F" word to me is "FAT." I HATE that word!! Because of all this, I don't want to tell my family or my husband's family about the surgery until it is over and even then if I could avoid it coming up I would. My family and husband's family also are of the same mindset and would easily think "it's the easy way out" or a "copout."

Sorry for the rant... needed to get it out... and I know there are others out there with similar people in their circles or have lacked support where they wanted it most.

Edited January 30, 2018 by Nat2.0

[blizair09 3,250]

Hi,

I am really sorry that you are having to deal with a non-supportive spouse in what I know is a difficult time. I have always thought that a person that has never experienced weight issues or struggles in his or her own life can truly empathize with someone that has. It isn't that they don't care or want the best for you, but it is so hard to understand something if it hasn't affected your life experience.

That being said, whether or not he gets on board or acts as we all know he SHOULD, you need to move forward with what is best for YOU. The only way you are going to be successful in this journey is to make it the highest priority in your life (and I say that knowing that you have a family and children). If you don't, you won't be successful.

I weighed 400 pounds at 6'0" when I started my journey 22 months ago. Now, I am below goal at 173 and have been maintaining for months. This can CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

One other thing -- if you have always been bigger than your husband, do you feel he will flip out when you aren't anymore? Some men (really people) are like that, and I don't ask to put something in your head, but to maybe help you to get underneath why he is acting as he is.

Please keep moving toward your goal, and if you can't get the support you deserve at home, try to find it at a local support group or through resources such as BP.

Wishing you the best!

[Creekimp13 5,840]

I think you should get your surgery....get incredibly hot...dump that jerk, and find a guy who supports things that are important to you regardless of whether he fully understands them. That's what partners do for each other...or should do....they have each other's backs, even when they're uncertain...they trust and support.

It's possible your hubby is a good enough guy...and he's just incredibly afraid and won't admit it.

But man, his selfishness would not set well with me.

You deserve better.

Best wishes on doing something positive for yourself. You deserve a happy healthy life.

I hope he comes around and has your back soon.

Edited January 30, 2018 by Creekimp13

[Nat2.0 11]

1 hour ago, blizair09 said:

Hi,

I am really sorry that you are having to deal with a non-supportive spouse in what I know is a difficult time. I have always thought that a person that has never experienced weight issues or struggles in his or her own life can truly empathize with someone that has. It isn't that they don't care or want the best for you, but it is so hard to understand something if it hasn't affected your life experience.

That being said, whether or not he gets on board or acts as we all know he SHOULD, you need to move forward with what is best for YOU. The only way you are going to be successful in this journey is to make it the highest priority in your life (and I say that knowing that you have a family and children). If you don't, you won't be successful.

I weighed 400 pounds at 6'0" when I started my journey 22 months ago. Now, I am below goal at 173 and have been maintaining for months. This can CHANGE YOUR LIFE.

One other thing -- if you have always been bigger than your husband, do you feel he will flip out when you aren't anymore? Some men (really people) are like that, and I don't ask to put something in your head, but to maybe help you to get underneath why he is acting as he is.

Please keep moving toward your goal, and if you can't get the support you deserve at home, try to find it at a local support group or through resources such as BP.

Wishing you the best!

Thank you, blizair09. Your candid, well-articulated comment and encouragement are so greatly appreciated! And, your success and dedication to your healthier lifestyle is inspiring. To answer your question, my husband will not flip out when I get smaller. In the 23 years we've been together I've lost large amounts of weight before on my own through exercise and healthier living... The last time even losing 50+ lbs and lowering my fat % from 42% to 17%. (It is hard to vividly remember how wonderfully healthy, happy, and confident I felt and to know I have since fallen a long way).

He is not the jealous type, but he does definitely prefer when I'm slimmer, in better shape, and active. I do not fit the physical profile of the type of women he's usually attracted to and we've had our share of ups and down on that issue and my weight. Obviously, I've managed to regain my weight even with those previous successes which is why I'm now on this journey. I intend to proceed with my sleeve surgery (if I'm approved) and will just hope and pray he comes around (along with other family members). I will continue to seek support from my friend who had the procedure done, support groups, my best friend (who has not had surgery but is very supportive), and also encouraging BP participants like yourself. Congratulations on your success!! Thanks again for the positive response.

[Nat2.0 11]

25 minutes ago, Creekimp13 said:

I think you should get your surgery....get incredibly hot...dump that jerk, and find a guy who supports things that are important to you regardless of whether he fully understands them. That's what partners do for each other...or should do....they have each other's backs, even when they're uncertain...they trust and support.

It's possible your hubby is a good enough guy...and he's just incredibly afraid and won't admit it.

But man, his selfishness would not set well with me.

You deserve better.

Best wishes on doing something positive for yourself. You deserve a happy healthy life.

I hope he comes around and has your back soon.

Hi, Creekimp13. Thanks for your reply. My husband is a good enough guy and we've been through a lot in 23 years. I agree his response and support in this matter leave a lot to be desired. I keep trying to remind myself I don't need his approval and that I need to just take charge of my own health and life whether he understands now or not. I think he will come around once I am through the surgery, recovery, and he sees how much it will change/save my life. I keep trying to stress to him that this is now a life saving procedure for me. Even if he doesn't come around, I doubt I will regret the decision. From all I've read of people's struggles and successes, it seems the reasons I'm in this journey far outweigh the reasons not to be... aside from potentially putting my diabetes in remission, regaining my physical health to be able to be more active and participate in life, regaining my emotional/mental health, etc. I want to stop watching my family from the sidelines. I shower my kids with love and try to support them in every way but I don't do a lot of physical activities with them because I feel terrible and I'm out of shape. I want to be a better mom for them. I want to show them that we are all worth taking care of ourselves, loving ourselves, and should strive to be happy and healthy. Congrats on your success so far... all the best to you as you continue on your journey. Thanks for being present on this online support forum.

Edited January 30, 2018 by Nat2.0

[mellah124 1]

Hi Nat2.0. Your post was long but well-written and my heart goes out to you. Sometimes an outward display of negativity masks a persons true feelings. Your hubby may be afraid that if you are successful at reaching your weight loss goal it may have a negative effect on your relationship with him. He may be afraid you will no longer want to be married. Stay strong, continue to seek his support, continue to let him know how important his love and support are and hopefully the situation will turn around. On the WLS support side, I too have suffered from Type 2 diabetes for 11 years (it took me a long time to finally commit to the surgery) and since the surgery, 2 of 3 diabetes medications have been eliminated. Really happy about that as one 30-day medication had a $525 co-pay! I fully expect to be off all diabetes meds at goal weight. Good luck to you Nat2.0, stay strong, stay committed and you will reach your weight loss goal!

[FluffyChix 17,415]

((hugs)) Hang in there and whatever choices you make, do them for you--to make you better, happier, whole. Sounds like you've got it figured out. Sometimes it just takes a while for people to throw their support on board with you. Be consistent and just keep swimmin'!

[Nat2.0 11]

10 minutes ago, mellah124 said:

Hi Nat2.0. Your post was long but well-written and my heart goes out to you. Sometimes an outward display of negativity masks a persons true feelings. Your hubby may be afraid that if you are successful at reaching your weight loss goal it may have a negative effect on your relationship with him. He may be afraid you will no longer want to be married. Stay strong, continue to seek his support, continue to let him know how important his love and support are and hopefully the situation will turn around. On the WLS support side, I too have suffered from Type 2 diabetes for 11 years (it took me a long time to finally commit to the surgery) and since the surgery, 2 of 3 diabetes medications have been eliminated. Really happy about that as one 30-day medication had a $525 co-pay! I fully expect to be off all diabetes meds at goal weight. Good luck to you Nat2.0, stay strong, stay committed and you will reach your weight loss goal!

Thank you, mellah124. Sorry it was so long... just had to get it off my chest and I knew people here would be supportive and encouraging. Congrats on your weight loss thus far and even more on being able to eliminate 2 of your 3 diabetes meds! I am confident you'll be able to eliminate the last one at goal!

[Nat2.0 11]

13 minutes ago, FluffyChix said:

((hugs)) Hang in there and whatever choices you make, do them for you--to make you better, happier, whole. Sounds like you've got it figured out. Sometimes it just takes a while for people to throw their support on board with you. Be consistent and just keep swimmin'!

Thank you, FluffyChix! I've seen on on many of the boards I've visited. Thanks for your positivity and always lending an encouraging word! I'm definitely going to keep swimmin'!

[KimTriesRNY 1,853]

Next have him read the article where 75 percent of marriages end in divorce after someone gets bariatric surgery....that post is around here somewhere...

[jrmoseley 101]

You're doing really well at moving forward, doing your research and making decisions based on what will be best for your future health. And your husband is doing what husbands often find easiest when faced with situations in which they have no control--he is resisting in a sort of passive aggressive way. I say that in the most positive light, because I have a passive aggressive husband who I adore, and have for 25 years. Yes, he frustrates me to no end at times, but I'm quite sure that there are things about me that cause him frustration, too.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and try to remain loving and understanding. At some point, you'll probably have to sit him down and set down some ground rules for life after surgery--things like when you're feeling sick at 2 weeks or frustrated at 8 weeks, he is never allowed to enter any form of the phrase "I told you so" because it will cause you a great deal of anguish and cause you to resent him, thus damaging your relationship. And when you are seeing a lot of success, and celebrating your accomplishments, he is not allowed to express any sort of negative feedback, or doubt that it will last, or say things like "it's about time." He is only allowed to smile and tell you he's proud of you. He doesn't have to understand, he merely must provide loving support, as you do when he faces life's hurdles.

In return, of course, he will receive all the perks of having a fit, healthy, beautiful wife that loves and adores him.

[Nat2.0 11]

Next have him read the article where 75 percent of marriages end in divorce after someone gets bariatric surgery....that post is around here somewhere...

Is that true?! Wow, I've been doing a lot of research on bariatric surgery but haven't come across any marriage stats yet... That's sad to hear. :-/

[Nat2.0 11]

You're doing really well at moving forward, doing your research and making decisions based on what will be best for your future health. And your husband is doing what husbands often find easiest when faced with situations in which they have no control--he is resisting in a sort of passive aggressive way. I say that in the most positive light, because I have a passive aggressive husband who I adore, and have for 25 years. Yes, he frustrates me to no end at times, but I'm quite sure that there are things about me that cause him frustration, too.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and try to remain loving and understanding. At some point, you'll probably have to sit him down and set down some ground rules for life after surgery--things like when you're feeling sick at 2 weeks or frustrated at 8 weeks, he is never allowed to enter any form of the phrase "I told you so" because it will cause you a great deal of anguish and cause you to resent him, thus damaging your relationship. And when you are seeing a lot of success, and celebrating your accomplishments, he is not allowed to express any sort of negative feedback, or doubt that it will last, or say things like "it's about time." He is only allowed to smile and tell you he's proud of you. He doesn't have to understand, he merely must provide loving support, as you do when he faces life's hurdles.
In return, of course, he will receive all the perks of having a fit, healthy, beautiful wife that loves and adores him.

Thank you, JRMoseley. What you wrote hits the nail on the head. My husband is indeed passive aggressive and you are right in that usually in marriage each person has flaws that might frustrate the other... ground rules help and support and love being offered to each other even if the one person doesn't fully understand. I love the way you put things. Much appreciated!

[kakatlady612 1,053]

In a slightly different but related band. My friend, let's call her Sylvia cause that's Not her name married a guy, from the wedding day on embarked on a plan to change him, even boasted to us her friends of it, 5 years later she divorced him Her excuse "He's no longer the man I married!"

Sent from my VS880PP using BariatricPal mobile app