Relationship perspective change after weight loss surgery

[FromBiggie2Smallz 22]

I'm new here, so if my post is too lengthy, I apologise for not knowing protocol. I'm a year out from surgery, I've had great post-op results. I'm down to my college football build and am heavy in bettering myself physically. I've been married for nearly 13 years and recently have been realizing the sexual issues I felt in my marriage, which were already there pre-surgery, have been taking a toll on my happiness. Before surgery I would voice my feelings to my wife and things would improve for a short while, however our situation would always revert back to the "normal". The first 4 years of our marriage were outstanding, our sex life was phenomenal and exciting, but for whatever reason, things changed. Outside of our sexual relationship, our marriage is solid. My wife is truly my best friend. I expected surgery to make a great impact on our relationship, but it hasn't, regardless of the efforts I've made.

Within the past month I began to gain attention from an old love interest, from before I was married. I'm a faithful man and would never cheat on my wife, though the opportunity was there. I can't help but notice how much I've craved the attention, being readily given by this other person. I've continued to attempt to mend my relationship and as a result I ended the communications with the other person, with great difficulty. I recently began the process of seeking counseling to workout my marriage.

Before surgery, the thought of going outside of my marriage to connect with someone would never have been a possibility. I always looked down upon those who could not maintain faithfulness. I want my marriage to work and I will fight to keep it together. My question is, has anyone else experienced a change in their perspective toward relationships and how they define their happiness?

Thanks,

Jon

Sent from my SM-G955U using BariatricPal mobile app

[illailla 79]

Before this thread gets going....This is the guys room ladies....just thought I'd let you know.

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[FromBiggie2Smallz 22]

But a woman's input is always appreciated, as I'm curious to find if this occurs with anyone who has surgery.

5'9"
32yo

HW-408 BMI-56%
sW-388
CW-248 BMI-27%

"Sweat is weakness leaving the body"

[CalGuy64 66]

Weight loss changes people. Both me and my ex had weight issues. She had WLS in 2012 and lost over 350 pounds (that's not a typo). In 2014 and 2015 she had multiple reconstructive procedures (including the removal of 22 pounds of skin from her abdomen alone). I sold my house to pay for this. Once she had her new body she promptly lost interest in me and quickly found a new guy. I was devastated.

I'm now rebuilding my life. Having WLS myself is part of the rebuilding plan.

[JohnnyCakes 593]

21 hours ago, FromBiggie2Smallz said:

But a woman's input is always appreciated, as I'm curious to find if this occurs with anyone who has surgery.

then you should have put it in the main forum. this place is for the XY.

to answer your question - i definitely can relate to what you're going thru. you've been married 13 years, i've been married 10 but been together 12. i'll say this... it's hard to be married that long regardless of weight. even if you never had a weight problem, you'd probably still be getting a "13 year itch".

and it's not like being overweight with no confidence is a good way to "stay true" to your spouse (out of lack of options, you know?). that "protection" is gone and you (we) are suddenly faced with the question "do you want to still be married to your spouse? because you have options." that's a very different question than "do you want to still be married to your spouse? because no one else would want you."

basically, you (we) have been out of practice in making the pro-active commitment to our wives everyday. we have to change that and start thinking that we're with them by choice, not by predicament. i'd suggest taking some time to really imagine what your life would be like without your wife. sounds like you love her a lot and are great friends. i think you would really, really miss that. you have to remember that any "fresh" relationship would also, eventually, get old and stale.

in the end, it sounds like you are struggling with the very common challenges that all long term marriages suffer from.

[FromBiggie2Smallz 22]

then you should have put it in the main forum. this place is for the XY.

Noted. [emoji106]

In regard to the rest of your post, you're right, I love my wife and we are amazing together! I think my greatest hurdle in all of this has been understanding that my wife has had to make drastic adjustments to the new me, and my peace in progressing is probably much faster than hers. Neither of us are the same as we used to be, before my surgery, me for the obvious physical and emotional, and my wife for emotional adjustment to being with a new me and how she perceives herself. Essentially, as a few others have suggested (outside of the forum) that each of us (my wife and I) need to approach our relationship as though we are dating again.

Thankfully, I never got lost in the fantasy of someone new showing me interest, and the further I find myself detached from that relationship, the clearer my path becomes and more confident I am in e choice I made to my commitment to my wife and family. I'm not going to lie though, the detachment sucks and I miss the connection with the other person, but I understand if I want my marriage to succeed I have to pursue that same connection with my wife.

RNY 12/20/16 5'9" 32yo HW-408 SW-388 CW-247

Sweat is just fat crying!

[Xerox 14]

Sex is part of a healthy relationship, both partners have to pull their weight, tell her how it is, if you are willing to fight for your family she should be willing to fight for hers.
Its great to say you would be faithful to your wife nomatter what, but that gives her free rein to get as lazy as she wants with the relationship. You have to give yourself some leverage. Truth is if it got bad enough you would have to leave the marriage and she needs to know that.
She now knows what her limits are, you need to tighten those limits like you are your waistline, you now have more sexual options and if she knows this it will encourage her to keep up with you. She has already shown that shes willing to try because she wants to stay together, but you let her slack off, she will push the boundries.

[CalGuy64 66]

43 minutes ago, Xerox said:

Sex is part of a healthy relationship, both partners have to pull their weight, tell her how it is, if you are willing to fight for your family she should be willing to fight for hers. ...

Yeah it sucks when your partner doesn't bring her A-game. Looking back this was a sign of the impending end of my marriage. Once a woman looses interest in physical affection its not a big leap for her to loose interest in staying married.

[FromBiggie2Smallz 22]

Sex is part of a healthy relationship, both partners have to pull their weight, tell her how it is, if you are willing to fight for your family she should be willing to fight for hers.
Its great to say you would be faithful to your wife nomatter what, but that gives her free rein to get as lazy as she wants with the relationship. You have to give yourself some leverage. Truth is if it got bad enough you would have to leave the marriage and she needs to know that.
She now knows what her limits are, you need to tighten those limits like you are your waistline, you now have more sexual options and if she knows this it will encourage her to keep up with you. She has already shown that shes willing to try because she wants to stay together, but you let her slack off, she will push the boundries.

I think this has been a part of the issue with her and me. We have each gotten very comfortable with the quick pace our life has reached and neither of us took the time to stop and reestablish our relationship. Essentially, what's happened is I've always just voiced issues I've had and never provided alternatives or solutions. It's very easy to revert back to the "easier" or "less work required" relationship.

RNY 12/20/16 32YO 5'9" HW- 408 SW- 388 CW- 247 current BMI- 27

Sweat is just fat crying!

[FromBiggie2Smallz 22]

Yeah it sucks when your partner doesn't bring her A-game. Looking back this was a sign of the impending end of my marriage. Once a woman looses interest in physical affection its not a big leap for her to loose interest in staying married.

I'm sorry for all you had to go through. I've been very conflicted about my marriage, long before surgery, and have noticed the lack of bringing her A-game. It's slowly becoming clear that a relationship that might offer what I need, should my wife not be willing to try, is available. It's something pre-op me wouldn't have considered, due to my low fat man self confidence. Ideally, we avoid divorce and figure this all out. It's a horrible-delight, being married.

RNY 12/20/16 32YO 5'9" HW- 408 SW- 388 CW- 247 current BMI- 27

Sweat is just fat crying!

[Mattymatt 491]

First off, good for you on bettering yourself. I am glad you did not let your failed relationship derail you from getting your health back! You have certainly been through a lot and now it's time for you to live life for you. I am sure you look good and feel great so it's time to play the field again and see what you can see. Personally, I can't fooking wait to be able to look into the mirror and see someone who looks good. Live it up, man!

[PatientEleventyBillion 851]

OP it just sounds like long relationships aren't for you.

I've only been married 7.5 years. The relationship is nowhere as fun as it was when it started. That's the nature of relationships especially when you're part of someone's life every day for hours a day. Things aren't as intense after the first several years, sex isn't as great in the overwhelming amount of partnerships. It drops substantially. Most people can't handle it. Don't take it personally, its very common. It's human nature we're fighting.

Just do whats in your best interests, be honest with yourself (and others).

That being said, for me, I've transitioned in life from wanting that excitement (sex for example) to just wanting to chill. The every day things my wife and I do together (with our family) means far, far more to me than a moment of sex, or going through the "intense" ups and downs that encompass the early stages of a relationship, with someone else. I've been through the stages since pre-op of where my sex drive was ridiculous and wife couldn't keep up. What wife couldn't fulfill of that need I, bluntly, just spent jerking it.

Edited January 22, 2018 by PatientEleventyBillion