You're not big enough for weight loss surgery" What do you say?

[Creekimp13 5,840]

This is a tricky one that keeps coming up for me.....friends, family and acquaintances who are heavier people insist that I'm not big enough for weight loss surgery, and almost get mad and take it personally. Like....Hmmm, if she thinks she's so big she needs to do that, she must think I'm outrageously big, too. And they get angry and seem really insulted. Why would you do that? You're not that big!

This is a weird question, but is it better to address it and say.....I'm not judging your choice to be heavy, I love you just the way you are........or is it better to just say....well, my doctor thinks I'm heavy enough and has been asking me to consider this for years. Both kinda fall flat of the diplomacy i'm looking for.

How do I defend my choice without making other heavier people feel criticized? I really don't WANT others to feel hurt by my choice, or feel I'm viewing them critically. Any ideas?

[angyplus5 470]

I find that I get that question a lot as well, when I was getting my EGD for surgery the nurse said wow, why are you getting wls? You don't look big enough! All I said was I'm doing it for health reasons. I'm like you, I really don't know how to respond sometimes. Hopefully our friends here have some suggestions!!!

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[TheNewMrsR 249]

This is a tricky one that keeps coming up for me.....friends, family and acquaintances who are heavier people insist that I'm not big enough for weight loss surgery, and almost get mad and take it personally. Like....Hmmm, if she thinks she's so big she needs to do that, she must think I'm outrageously big, too. And they get angry and seem really insulted. Why would you do that? You're not that big!
This is a weird question, but is it better to address it and say.....I'm not judging your choice to be heavy, I love you just the way you are........or is it better to just say....well, my doctor thinks I'm heavy enough and has been asking me to consider this for years. Both kinda fall flat of the diplomacy i'm looking for.
How do I defend my choice without making other heavier people feel criticized? I really don't WANT others to feel hurt by my choice, or feel I'm viewing them critically. Any ideas?

Good question. I'm on the lower side too or I should say I wear my weight well and don't look like I need to lose 75 pounds but I do. I'm not telling people but I totally get what you're saying which is partly why I'm not telling people.

I'd just explain that it was a decision you and your Dr. decided was a good option for you in order to get you into good health. It's a deeply personal choice that is not for everyone. Just remember it's about YOU not them. If they feel some kind of way than maybe that just a reflection of their own feelings and has nothing to do with you. As long as you don't gloat or act like you're better than they are because you are getting surgery than they should have no room to try and read your mind or put words in to your mouth regarding how you feel about anyone else.

Good luck. I wish you much success!

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[MaggieH2 50]

I just tell people it is for health reasons... didn’t know I was so unhealthy till they started poking around... my snoring was sleep apnea, my blood sugars were rising and I have Barrett’s Esophagus from reflux I didn’t realize that I had. .... as I tick off the problems that a 65 lb loss has fixed, folks tend to understand a lot better, although they still say that I didn’t look heavy enough! At 46, I want to live my life healthy and happy!

[LifesGood 3]

People always have an opinion and if you don't have thick skin you need to keep it to yourself because you will get worse comments than that you know that it's for a medical issue and you know what you and your doctor discussed and that should be between you and your doctor you don't owe anybody any explanations on why you're having surgery a lot of people are uneducated when it comes to this surgery before I had my surgery I was nervous so I would tell people I thought I could trust but their response were not the ones that I was looking for so I just don't tell people because a lot of people are not educated about the gastric sleeve. And I have thick skin and it'll only get me in trouble so I just don't say anything about it I've been told things like oh don't do it you're going to die or you really should think about that oh that's so dangerous and all this nothing that's ever positive and you're going to have people that are going to be jealous of you because of the weight loss and a whole bunch of other crap so it's best to just kind of keep it to yourself or maybe have one person that you can trust to talk to

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[Creekimp13 5,840]

It's not ME I'm concerned about. I don't feel picked on. I've got a pretty good self image, and I'm kinda bomb proof about physical comments. Who doesn't want to be called "too small"? That's a novelty I sort of enjoy!

No, what I'm getting at....is that I have a lot of fat friends and family. Love these folks. Everyone addresses weight issues when they're ready. Some people choose not to at all. I'm 100% ok with everyone's individual right to choose, and everyone's own process and time frame.

I'm just trying to figure out how to finesse my news in a way that's gonna express that.

I feel a little like that one person in a group of friends who likes to drink together a lot....who admits they're an alcoholic and seeks treatment. It makes people uncomfortable and sort of forces the issue. And while I realize it's not my problem, I'm trying to come up with a strategy to minimize discomfort.

[Shawn Marie 2]

I struggled with this for about three days after going to my doctors office and telling them I was having surgery came a storm. Your not 400lbs so you don't need it. You're not fat enough. Those things hurt me at first (I have a great support system at home! Thankfully they mostly supported me). But if you do tell people and they get hurt, as my husband says it affects them because they feel it's already a problem for them, you can't control their feelings sweetie and don't ever be ashamed what your doing. I also talked to quite a few people on the fb group that I am a part of and they also helped me through it. I had my surgery 11/17 by an awesome doctor. I will tell people I had gastric sleeve and be proud of it. As I start ticking off all the health problems off it will even be better! Prediabetic, major bone issues with my weight, asthma 10x worse.....I mean I could go on and on lol. My decision to have this wasn't an affront against them, it was to save my life early before things could go worse.

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[Polly Pocket 83]

3 hours ago, angyplus5 said:

I find that I get that question a lot as well, when I was getting my EGD for surgery the nurse said wow, why are you getting wls? You don't look big enough! All I said was I'm doing it for health reasons. I'm like you, I really don't know how to respond sometimes. Hopefully our friends here have some suggestions!!!

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Like needing to loose nearly 100 pounds isn't enough??? My daughter (who is large) said that to me. I replied, "My BMI is 40 and i'm having health complications."

[angyplus5 470]

Like needing to loose nearly 100 pounds isn't enough??? My daughter (who is large) said that to me. I replied, "My BMI is 40 and i'm having health complications."

my bmi is 40 as well, I also have diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol and Rheumatoid arthritis. To me that's plenty a reason!!!

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[Polly Pocket 83]

1 minute ago, angyplus5 said:

my bmi is 40 as well, I also have diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol and Rheumatoid arthritis. To me that's plenty a reason!!!

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we could be twins.

[angyplus5 470]

we could be twins.

I've always wondered what it would be like to have a twin! lol

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[Daisy30uk 6]

This happened to me on my very first visit to see my bariatric surgeon. The lady that was next in line to me at the office window asked me if I was there to discuss weight loss surgery, and when I said 'yes', she responded quite loudly that she didn't think that I was big enough to need it! I was initially very offended since it was none of her business anyway, but someone pointed out that maybe she was trying to pay me a compliment! Whatever her reasons, and whatever anyone else's reasons are for saying it, I don't feel the need to justify why I have done this and if others choose to get offended, then that is on them and not anything that I can control. It's also why very few people know that I have had the surgery - my family in the UK don't know and most of my friend's don't know - just a couple of my closest friend's who have been supportive since the very beginning of my journey.

[FLHappyGirl 171]

2 hours ago, Creekimp13 said:

It's not ME I'm concerned about. I don't feel picked on. I've got a pretty good self image, and I'm kinda bomb proof about physical comments. Who doesn't want to be called "too small"? That's a novelty I sort of enjoy!

No, what I'm getting at....is that I have a lot of fat friends and family. Love these folks. Everyone addresses weight issues when they're ready. Some people choose not to at all. I'm 100% ok with everyone's individual right to choose, and everyone's own process and time frame.

I'm just trying to figure out how to finesse my news in a way that's gonna express that.

I feel a little like that one person in a group of friends who likes to drink together a lot....who admits they're an alcoholic and seeks treatment. It makes people uncomfortable and sort of forces the issue. And while I realize it's not my problem, I'm trying to come up with a strategy to minimize discomfort.

I tend to agree with your last statement. It is much like an alcoholic being forced to take a look at their behavior/addiction when a drinking buddy takes the step to heal themselves. I think it is all in the delivery. My decision is not for everyone so if I suspected someone was going to react negatively, I didn't point out their flaws; instead I simply said, "your health may not be affected by the added weight but mine is suffering." And in the likely event they follow up with "why don't you do it on your own" you can reply that you have tried and been unsuccessful in the past (I'm assuming here). I would always point out my health problems (diabetes, high blood pressure, cholesterol, arthritis, whatever it is) is only going to get worse. If you do nothing it won't get better. Again, I always make sure to direct everything toward myself and leave them out of it. After all, it is about you. Take care of you! Oh, and it is one of the reasons I limited who I told.

[Apple203 1,314]

Another thing to consider is that excess weight doesn't wear well as you age -- co-morbidities start to add up (as does the weight). At least that's been my case, and I know for sure its not going to get better unless I permanently lose a boatload of weight.

[Berry78 4,261]

This actually came up yesterday. My hubby said, "but, you always used to be my eating partner!"

Surgery, dieting, getting healthy... any of these things will change your relationships. Activities you used to do together may not make any sense: i.e. running to Dairy Queen.

Pick your biggest health concern, and explain the surgery is going to help you with it. That way it's not about obesity.. it's about diabetes or high blood pressure.

My FIL has had at least 10 strokes, uncontrolled high blood pressure (while on 6 blood pressure meds), and uncontrolled insulin-dependent diabetes. All I have to do is point at him and say "that's what I'm trying to avoid, and going to DQ was taking me down that path".

I'm 8 months postop. Surgery doesn't keep me away from fast food. Only I can do that.

(If my hubby didn't have weight loss goals himself, then I could go to be sociable and just not eat anything. But he's trying to lose weight now too.)